Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Finally, the train arrived at Hogwarts. It had stopped raining and the full moon shone above them. After having Nella fall over at least five times, Harry resorted to just carrying her.

"You're so strong Harry, such muscles, you must be the strongest wizard. Oooh a full moon, maybe a werewolf will come out and try to bite me and you can wrestle him shirtless," Nella muttered. Harry shuddered at the thought. Having seen his good friend and mentor, Remus Lupin in werewolf form, he had no desire to wrestle one, and the shirtless thing was just weird. He wanted to give her to Hagrid but he was busy taking the first years across the lake, armed with his pink umbrella, no doubt in case the sharks started raining again. Finally they got to the castle and he saw Professor McGonagall's familiar face and approached her.

"Professor, this is a new student from some town called Spoons, I think she's been cursed by Dark Magic, she can barely stand up. And there was something else, another girl on the train – she was calling me a vampire and wanting to drink blood. Please, help this girl and let me see the Headmaster." Harry said, handing Nella over to Professor McGonagall.

"I was informed about a few new students that would be attending.. but I didn't imagine them so.. "

"Please, Professor, I think this is part of Voldemort's yearly plot to kill me," Harry said with a touch of desperation.

"I will have Mr. Filch take her to the infirmary, but I must attend to the sorting," McGonagall replied, "and the Headmaster is on vacatio... er.. an important trip to the Wizengamot to do important things, I don't know when he'll be back but please, please Harry, these students are new.. and odd.. I'm sure you understand how they feel. Please, for my sake, try to make them feel welcome." And with that she went into the castle, to prepare the first years for sorting.

Harry went in to join his fellow Gryffindors at their table. As usual, the feast had been served with all sorts of delicious treats.

"New students? I wonder what house they'll be in" Hermione pondered.

"Oh I bet that's one of them," Angelina Johnson said, pointing at a blonde girl dressed in neon ninja clothes that seemed to be trying to break one the tables with her hand.

"What is she doing?" Seamus asked

"Barking mad if you ask me" Ron chimed in, "The one on the train seemed to be ill and there was another one but I think she's some sort of vampire and.." his voice trailed off as another girl came in. Her shiny brown hair had been done up in a perfect and very complex braid. She sat down neatly and took out a book written in an obscure language and began to sing in perfect pitch.

"Pretty...girl..." Ron drooled. Hermione looked murderous.

"Ahem, good evening everyone," McGonagall began her speech, "Headmaster Dumbledore cannot be here due to his trip to the Baham.. um.. disadvantaged magical war zone to save orphans who are stranded on the beach. As always, let us start with the Sorting Hat's annual song."

She put the dirty and ragged old hat on the chair and it began to sing,

A thousand years or more ago
when I was newly sewn,
there lived four wizards of renown,
whose names are still well known.

But if you ask me, I think you'll understand.

Never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down,

Never gonna run around and desert you,

Never gonna make you cry,

Never gonna saaaaay goodbye,

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you...

McGonagall finally hit the hat with a silencing charm, looking slightly flustered.

"I apologise about that. As you all know, the hat reacts to events that are going on and it's been under a lot of stress. And now to welcome our new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor seeing as our last one was an escaped convict disguised by polyjuice potion. This year's victi...er newest member of staff is none other than Red Shirt Man. Please give him our warmest welcome!" Everyone's eyes turned to the generic looking man in the red shirt who seemed to be beaming with joy and pride.

"Hem, hem" Red Shirt Man piped up, "If I may say a few words"

"But of course"

"I know the last few years have been hard on you, with a new professor every year. Professors that seem to die or disappear or try to kill and torture the students.. but this year will be different. See this red shirt? This red shirt is a mark of bravery and strength. It is a proven fact that those that wear red shirts and are completely generic in nature never succumb to anything bad. So I promise you, students of Hogwarts, that I shall survive this entire year.

And then he fell over. His dead face lying in the bowl of cabbage soup.