Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

At his Evil Lair of Evilness, Voldemort had just finished petting his snake and looked sadly in the mirror,

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, why do I have no nose" he said sadly, "What is immortality if you can't smell the flowers or smell of the air after a warm summer rain,"

The mirror thought for a few moments and spoke,

"Well.. if you ask me how I'm feeling.. I hope you understand.. never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around an..."
"Crucio" The mirror shattered and Voldemort fell to the ground, screaming and twitching in pain.

"Bloody hell Bella, what the hell!" He cried once he got himself together.

"Get yourself together man," She yelled furiously, "Here you are, in your Evil Lair of Evilness, supposedly the Dark Lord who's this evil villain and you're whining about flowers and summer rain. What's the plot this year? Are we going to spend a year to break into Hogwarts to steal some of Potter's socks? Or maybe we'll lure him out to some place where we've placed an easy to find and locate escape mechanism and spend a whole bunch of time explaining it to him... You know, when I joined I expected violence, torture, mayhem.. and what do I get? Chasing after an overrated Christmas Bauble for a year? I swear, if I weren't attracted to your lack of nostrils I'd find some other villain to serve."

"Calm down Bella," Voldemort said, smiling and twirling his wand, "this year is different. This year I have something really evil. At the end of it.. Harry will be begging me for his death."

Bella gave him a cold look, "And then you'll kill him? Like finally kill him? Really Adava Kedavra it's not that hard."

"Adava Kedavra..what a wonderful phrase," Voldemort hummed joyfully.

Bellatrix facepalmed, "That's the spirit," she said flatly and left Voldemort humming alone with his snake.

Back at Hogwarts, Harry woke up with his head throbbing. He was right. Voldemort had come up with some evil plot. But this plot was supposedly less stupid than the other ones and he wasn't planning to kill him but to horribly torture him in some way. He got dressed quickly and ran down to the Great Hall to explain his vision to his friends.

"Vampire! Iz me Enoby! Y U keep igniting me? C'mon let's go to the MCR Concert and Do It and I'll let you put your thingy in my you know what and then we can slit our wrists sexily."

"Look, I am not a vampire, and I don't want to do any of that and I don't know what you are on about," Harry snapped. Then McGonagall's words came back to him and he remembered what it was like when he was a new first year. "Who are you? What house are you in? Are you a vampire?"

"I am Ebony Raven Goff Black Satin and I'm in Slytherin and I'm a vampire and a witch," she said sexily.

"Your robes say Gryffindor."

"The robes are a lie! Anyway, me and Bloody Mary r gonna go watch horror movies and hang ourselves if you want to come." She seemed slightly angry and Harry felt bad that he had lost his temper with her but he had never met a vampire before. He supposed that's just how they acted.

"These robes are so KAWAIII!" A girl in front of him giggled. She was blonde but she looked like something from Dudley's ninja video games except with everything in neon colours and weird looking puppies everywhere. "I'm Happy Su, I'm a ninja! And a witch! Believe it!"

She seemed very happy and excited, "I'm Harry Potter, it's nice to meet you Su, welcome to Hogwarts, I see you are in Gryffindor too.."

"BELIEVE IT!"

"Yes, yes, I believe it, I'm going to get some breakfast now..." He backed off.. slowly. The girl was kicking at something and yelling random things that made no sense. Two Gryffindors.. two really odd Gryffindors.. He wondered what house Nella was placed in, if she was in any state at all to go to school and whether Madam Pomfrey had determined what sort of curse had been done to her. He was so lost in thought that he almost bumped into a girl with shiny brown hair in an overly ornate braid with perfect teeth and gleaming light blue eyes.

"Hi! Don't worry, you didn't hurt me, I put a spell on myself that makes me immune to pain and injury, I'm a healer and an Auror you know. My name is Mary, I'm from New York City. You must be Harry Potter. I've read all about you. I'm sorry about those two girls. They're transfers too but they are so imperfect. Anyway, you look like you go want to tell your friends about your thoughts – I'm an expert Legillimens, so I know, but I'll let you to it. I'll be off practising the Wronski Feint if you want to join me later. Toodles" She bounced off effortlessly.

Harry finally got to the Great Hall and explained everything to Ron and Hermione.

"So, I think there's something going on, I know it. I saw it in a dream. Have either of you seen Nella? I think she might be the key to solving this."

"Stop. Harry. It's the first day of school. You know we have to get to at least after Christmas holidays for us to begin to unravel this plot and at least a few misfortunes have to happen needlessly. And we need to wait for Dumbledore to get back from his expedition of collecting sea shells for scientific research." Hermione explained and Ron nodded, though he was staring and drooling at the new Mary girl.

"Yes, you're right I suppose, but that vampire girl is already talking about people killing themselves, what if she hurts someone.. and Nella.. and who's our new DADA professor?"

"Oh, McGonagall got another Red Shirt Man, he seems a bit sturdier."

This Red Shirt Man did seem sturdier. In fact, he was rather rowdy, going around all the professors asking for dares.

"Nothing can defeat me, I am Red Shirt Man! YOLO!" He would yell out and beat his burly chest.

Professor Flitwick dared him to eat an enchanted fencing pineapple which he did with glee. Professor Sprout had him do battle with a venomous tentacula which he seemed to be adept at. Professor Snape looked annoyed and was trying to avoid the entire spectacle.

"I bet Snape's jealous. Look at him go!" Colin Creevy cheered.

Then Snape eyes turned large as Red Shirt Man took something from his robes and swallowed it, "Stop! That's poison! Stop! Red Shirt Man! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STAHP! POISON! IDIOT!"
"YOLO!" and there was a thump as Red Shirt Man fell to the floor, very much dead.