Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Some weeks had passed since the passing of Red Shirt Man. It was lucky that McGonagall seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of them so they actually managed to get to DADA lessons. If they were lucky, they'd last an entire lesson before getting themselves killed. One even managed two whole days before impaling himself on an obelisk that had appeared out of nowhere.

The Trio's lessons had been harder than ever. Preparing for N.E.W.T.S. made preparing for O.W.L.S. seem pithy and they had started apparition lessons which were further frustrated as Red Shirt Men were assigned to teach them and seemed to be exceptionally good at fatally splinching themselves.

"Impressive," Luna Lovegood said in her dream-like way during one lesson as Red Shirt Man splinched himself into multiple pieces.

"Yeah, at least we'll know what not to do," Padma Patil laughed nervously as another Red Shirt Man came in to clean up the bits of the old one, slipped on a spleen and fell out the window.

Harry took the interruption as an excuse to go visit Nella who had remained in the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey was making every effort to try to get the poor girl to stand but she seemed to fall over and bump into walls. Harry reminded himself to make sure she never wore anything red.

As he entered the infirmary, she lay on the bed. She looked drab, like she had been moping for hours. Madam Pomfrey had her strapped to the bed for her own safety.

"How are you feeling Nella? Any better?"

"I'm fine. I keep telling them that. Back in Spoons, I used to walk into walls all day long and no one thought anything out of the ordinary."

"What kind of place is Spoons?"

"Oh, you know, houses, trees, roads, that kind of thing. What kind of house do you like Harry? Do you like houses? Perhaps you prefer camping? Tell me please.. it's so hard.."

"What's hard?"

"Not having opinions. I don't ever know what to think unless I meet the perfect guy so he can think for me and you are perfect Harry."

"Please, Nella, I'm far from perfect"

"Yes, yes you are. You are perfect! I want to marry you and have your baby and then we can get the baby engaged to your best friend!" For the first time she seemed to have some sort of emotion but the emotion she displayed disturbed Harry, clearly the girl was still ill and suffering the effects of Dark Magic.

"Please, Nella. When you were in Spoons, were there any people in black robes and masks?"

"Do you want there to be? If you want there to be then I'll say yes."

Harry shook his head, "I'm sorry Nella, I wish I could help. Perhaps when Dumbledore gets back from his expedition he may be able to help you but I'm going to go for now."

"Please! Please don't go!" She cried out, "Don't leave me!" And with that, she fell over, bed and all. The noise got Madam Pomfrey's attention as she attempted some spells to help the girl.

"I'm sorry Mr. Potter. I've tried everything. I can't seem to find out what's wrong. I think you are right. This is some sort of Dark Magic, I've asked Professor Snape and Professor Red Shirt Man to look into it. Dumbledore is learning some ballroom combat moves in Vienna or something."

"Red Shirt Man died Madam Pomfrey, fell out a window this time."

"No worries, we'll get another."

Harry came back to the Gryffindor Common Room doing his best to avoid the new students but Enoby had taken him by surprise.

"Vampire! Come on stop being preppp! I've had a horrible day! I had to kill myself five times because I saw Snap masticating on his broomstick and I'm out of blood and have to drink the artificially flavoured kind and that gives you cancer. Let's go do it! Put your thingy in my you-know-what!

"Enoby please, I don't know you like that, and there's nothing wrong with having a snack on a broom ride, it's strenuous exercise. But please, calm down. Stop with the suicide stuff. You're alive! Live! It's not like you have a red shirt."

She looked at him, crying tears of blood sexily. She looked at him, his eyes, his mother's green eyes and then she began rabidly French-kissing him. Harry fell to the ground, trying to wrestle the girl off but she was strong for someone who was constantly bleeding. Suddenly he felt another weight fall on him. Mary, who had been busy with wandless magic had jumped on Enoby.

"Get away from him! He's mine! He's the only one who doesn't hate me because I'm so talented and perfect!" She punched and kicked and threw spells that Harry didn't know but must have been powerful..

"CROOKSHANKS! CROOKSHANKS!" Enoby kept screaming.

"HIYAAAAAAH! Get away from him! He's mine! Believe it!" Now Su was throwing ninja kicks and jumped in the pile. Harry was powerless, pinned, getting hit with random spells, kicks, punches. He heard the sickening sound of his ribs snap and then pain and then it was all black.

Black.. like Enoby's miniskirt.. he shuddered awake feeling a nauseating ache throughout his entire body. Ron and Hermione stood over him looking worried. In the corner of his eye he saw Nella, looking at him expectantly. He must have been in the infirmary.

"What happened?" Harry asked weakly.

"They all attacked like a bunch of rabid harpies.. no scratch that, rabid harpies have better manners." Hermione said. She was shaking with anger.

"Are they gone now? What happened?"

"Gryffindor Tower is gone is what happened!" Hermione cried! "Mary divided by zero and it all blew up. Everything gone! My homework! Hedwig! My books! Colin Creevy! And Red Shirt Man who happened to be there at the moment.. Did I mention my homework?"

"Wait.. Colin Creevy and Hedwig are dead?"

"Yes, and my homework, which I worked on for hours..."

"So where do we stay now?"

Ron looked down at his feet, "Camping" he muttered.

The ache in Harry's body seemed to move to his scar and then it seemed to split open with agony.

"Mwahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahaha!"

"Very good my lord," Wormtail said, "Award-winning quality even."

"Oh stop with the false flattery, if I'm going to win it this year I have some stiff competition. That's not the point. The point is – Gryffindor Tower has fallen! They're going to be camping! Isn't that wonderful! My evil plan is finally taking shape!"

"Your evil plan is to make them live in tents?" Bellatrix said, "Two years ago they paid good money to live in tents for the Quidditch World Cup. Besides, wizard tents are nice. It's not like they're going to be suffering.. why don't you send a few of us over there, we'll torture them a bit, then kill them, then we can take over the wizarding world and get on with things."

"Are you the one with the Award Winning Evil Laugh? No, I didn't think so." Voldemort hissed, "Please Bella, have faith. This plan will be evil! It will be very evil! I promise. I won't let you down."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you said last night, and I was let down.. all night"

A few death eaters giggled. Voldemort blushed, "I'm under a lot of pressure ok!"

Bellatrix sighed, "If it wasn't for those flat nostrils.. fine, just hurry it up and kill him ok."

Voldemort looked out the window. It was raining sharks again. He smiled as they fell to the ground eating muggles in mid-air. This time.. this time.. he would get his revenge!