Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners). The Enoby bits don't really make sense unless you've read the brilliant My Immortal - but that is the best Harry Potter fanfic ever so there's no reason not to read it :)

So it's come to this.. Harry thought. Camping. He'd been sharing a tent with Hermione and Ron and everyone was mad at everyone since he was in the infirmary. Apparently Hermione's worries about her lost homework instead of the people who died made Ron angry and he went off, told Mary that he didn't hate her because she was beautiful and she kissed him but then called him Harry which made Ron mad at Harry and Harry was just mad at the whole thing because three girls, who came out of nowhere, were trying to date him and he wasn't the least bit interested.

And there was Nella who was still insane. She kept rambling on about how they'd live in a tent down by the river and get married and then he'd break her bones and then their baby would get married to Ron after they got Ron bitten so he'd be a werewolf. Out of all of them, he felt the worst for her because surely no sane mind could come up with ideas like that. Snape had examined her and could find no traces of Dark Magic but too was convinced that the girl must be cursed. Red Shirt Man tried to examine her but at least four died just getting to the infirmary so they decided to wait for Dumbledore instead.

It was times like this, with something this sensitive and private, he wished he had someone to talk to, a parent figure. Sirius. But Sirius was dead. His parents were dead. His aunt and uncle were useless. Dumbledore was gone. He sighed and went up to the DADA classroom. Red Shirt Man was grading papers and was still alive. At least he'd be dead before he had the chance to tell anyone anything embarrassing, thought Harry.

"Hullo Harry" Red Shirt Man said, "Now careful, I'm a haemophiliac so if I get a paper cut, it's all over for me I'm afraid."

"I'm sorry to hear that, I wanted to ask your advice.. and please, put that paper down.."

Red Shirt Man did and looked at Harry, "You know, you're the first one to come to me for advice. I know I've only been on the job a few hours since the last Red Shirt Man but it feels good. Now tell me, what can I do for you?"

"I have three crazy girls chasing after me and a fourth who is in love with me but has some very twisted fantasies and I'm afraid it's somehow part of Voldemort's plot. Last time, I ended up nearly dying and Gryffindor Tower blew up."

"I'm a Red Shirt Man Harry, death isn't something I fear and neither should you."

"You're saying I should become a Red Shirt Man? That's the stupidest advice I've ever heard"

"Oh come now, there's much stupide.. oh dear, I've cut myself"

Harry walked out dejected as Red Shirt Man quickly succumbed to his paper cut when he saw a Hufflepuff girl in silly pigtails who looked somewhat familiar and then he realised.. Draco Malfoy.

"Nice lipstick Malfoy."

"Thanks, I think it really goes with my ey.. shut up Potter." Draco snarled, "Come with me."

The two went down a corridor to the room of requirements and found themselves in a small quiet room.

"Look I shouldn't be telling you this.. but Enoby.. she keeps chasing after me.. keeps dropping her pants.. saying she wants you and me doing.. things," he shuddered "and drinking blood and slitting our wrists and doing all this dumb muggle stuff. I can't take it. I've been dressing up as a Hufflepuff girl to avoid her, she won't go near a Hufflepuff."

"So you know something.."

"I overheard my aunt Bellatrix talking to my mum, apparently the Dark Lord had some evil plan to use these girls to make you go camping or something. She thought it was really stupid and that he should just come and kill you which I agree with but hey, he's the one with the Award Winning Evil Laugh. "

"Camping.. that's what Nella said.. I'll be living in a tent down by the river.. but what does that have to do with an evil plot?"

"I don't know, all I know is that this lipstick makes my lips look twice as plump and stays on all day.. and we need to get rid of Enoby and those girls before we all end up like Red Shirt Man. Did he die already?"

"Haemophiliac.. grading papers... of course. But what can we do?"

"What you always do. Put yourself in mortal danger and things will magically work out so you don't die and the Dark Lord's plans get thwarted. He has an Evil Lair of Evilness. It's very Evil. Naturally you should go there."

"I know we haven't been friends but will you come with me? Ron and Hermione are mad at me for stupid reasons and it will take them at least a few paragraphs to catch up."

"Fine Potter, but I'm not taking off the make up or the wig..or the heels.. got it?"

"As you wish. You are right, it does bring out your eyes."

"Hippogriffs? Thestrals? Brooms? How are we going to get there?"

"Let's just apparate, none of us are wearing red shirts"

The two went out to the Dark Forest, careful to make sure the girls weren't following. Soon Hermione, Ron, Neville, Luna and Ginny had followed them.

"The Wizarding News Network said there was a 90% chance of Harry Potter going on a likely lethal journey and had you guys on the map so we followed, figured we'd go with you. As Red Shirt Man said, right before he drank that poison for no reason, YOLO."

"YOLO!" They all said in unison and, after checking for red shirts, apparated to the Evil Lair of Evilness.