Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Harry and his friends walked into the Evil Lair of Evilness which was open since it was during normal business hours.

Suddenly, Bellatrix and a bunch of Death Eaters apparated in front of them, cast disarming charms and bound them all with magical ropes.

Bellatrix looked absolutely stunned, "So it worked? That convoluted hair-brained idiotic plan actually worked? Perhaps I misjudged my dear nose-less one. Now, Dolohov, you take Granger, Crabbe, take Lovegood, Draco? Are those my earings? They look lovely on you. Goyle, take the ginger. I'll take Longbottom of course and the Dark Lord will take Potter. We'll torture them until they're near mad and kill them." She was gleeful, muttering under her breath "it worked! It actually worked."

"Not so fast Bella," a high pitched voice rang out, "Remember who has the Award Winning Evil Laugh. We can't just torture and kill them. First we have to place them in an escapable position and explain our entire evil plan. Then we can attempt to kill them."

Bellatrix groaned and sat in a corner sulking.

Mary Sue, Happy Su and Nella then all apparated. Nella was being held up by the other two so she wouldn't fall over. "We're here Master! We're here and we're here to take what's ours! Potter!"

"Where is Enoby?" Voldemort asked.

Enoby ran in sexily in her normal Hot Topic garb, "Preppps! O noes! Prepps! Snap and Loopin are outside on their broomsticks masticating! Sickos!"

"It was a long ride, we got hungry," Snape said calmly as he walked in chewing the remains of an apple.

"Seriously girl, what is your problem with people eating on broomsticks?" Lupin chimed in.

"No matter," Voldemort said rubbing his hands together, "My girls are here and they all have horcruxes so they can't be killed."

"Yeah prepps we got whores!" Enoby yelled.

Bellatrix facepalmed.

"Besides Snape, my slippery friend, I've heard you were just appointed DADA professor and everyone knows what happens to those"

Snape smiled curtly and removed his outer robes revealing a green Slytherin shirt.

"That's right. Green shirt. Bitches."

The Death Eaters attacked, Enoby pulled out her wand "CROOKSHANKS! CROOKSHANKS!"

"Stay away from my cat you foul thing!" Hermione yelled, throwing a stunning spell at her which barely missed.

"Shut up u prepp..." Enoby screamed but before she could curse Hermione, Snape sent a grammar book flying at her face, enchanting it to read aloud to her. Enoby fell over screaming and thrashing as the book spoke calmly, "A comma can be used to separate items in a series..."

"No! Make it stop!" She screamed and screamed but it was no avail. The grammar book kept reading and reading.

"Now Mary Sue," Snape said calmly, "What are you doing here? You are perfect and beautiful, blah, blah, blah. There is no man on earth that is worthy of you, least of all this little git here. If you want true happiness, you should literally go fuck yourself."

Mary Sue looked shocked. Even though she should know everything, she didn't know this. He was right. The only person right for her, was her. Only she could match herself in her perfection. And with that, she exited and all the men in the room looked at her longingly as she bounced out with perfect grace.

"And Happy Su," Lupin added, "There is a country called Japan where there are ninjas and people say Konichiwa as a greeting and I guess they occasionally break boards with their palms.. you should go there and study the culture, I think it would make you happy."

"Ja..pan?" Su looked oddly, "There's like a country and stuff? With Ninjas? KAWAIIII! I'm going there! BELIEVE IT!" And with that she ninja-teleported out.

"Not so fast," laughed Voldemort, "Nella is still here. Nella, my greatest weapon! Oh the pity poor Potter felt for her when he thought she was cursed. No, Potter she isn't cursed, she's just like that except now she has horcruxes and you have no escape! You shall spend the rest of your life with her!"

Nella lunged madly, not tripping over herself this time with the aid of many Death Eater Spells and tackled Harry to the ground. "Mine! All mine! We'll have babies! Lots of babies! And you'll break my bones and bruise me until I'm near death! It will be so romantic!"

Just then, Draco reached into his make up bag and pulled out a packet of glitter. He threw it, hitting Wormtail. Nella stopped attacking Harry and looked at the rat-like man with utter delight!

"You sparkle! You are my dream! Marry me, and we will live in a tent by the river!" And with those words she fell into his arms.

Wormtail shrugged, a tent, by the river not as bad as having to carry out yet another one of the Dark Lord's stupid plans. "Let's go Nella, I promise to break every one of your bones after we get married and Greyback can marry our baby."

Voldemort spat angrily at the ground, "Just when I think I have a good plan you all have to ruin it. Well, I'll still come up with something.. something good!"

Harry yawned, "Yeah, just owl me when you're ready. I'm tired and Hermione still needs to find her homework.

Harry and his friends and Lupin and Snape walked out of the Evil Lair of Evilness without being bothered by the Death Eaters who looked sad and dejected.

Just then, someone apparated.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUCKERS!"

It was... Dumbledore.

"Albus," Remus said, "We've already dealt with Voldemort's plot, we were just about to go back to the castle and have some treacle tart."

"Oh, in that case, carry on. I apologise for my absence. There were some very important broomstick hexes at the European Cup I had to investigate."

Just then one of the poorly rendered sharks rained down and ate Dumbledore.

"Sectusempra!," Snape cut the shark open but it was too late. Dumbledore was dead. Harry knelt down and to his horror, underneath the Headmaster's robes was a red shirt.

"I told him not to go to that bull fighting tournament," Snape sighed.