Epilogue

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Epilogue – 19 years later

Harry was walking with Draco, who was wearing the latest fashion from Witch Weekly (and of course, aunt Bella's earrings) down the platform to the Hogwarts Express with their son, Albus Red Shirt Man and daughter, Lily

"Now remember son," Harry said proudly, "You are named after the two most brave men I ever knew. Albus Dumbledore and Red Shirt Man."

"Yes dad, I know. You've told me. Over and over again. You got it tattooed on me when I was four."

"I was afraid you'd forget... Oh son, remember what Draco and I told you."

"Yes, dad I know, never wear a red shirt ever, and always carry an umbrella in case it rains sharks."

Hermione and Ron got married, predictably. However, after a year of bickering they split up. Ron got re-married to Lavender Brown and they turned out to be perfect together. They run a divination and bunny breeding business. Hermione married Seamus Finnegan. Together they run a charity turning water into rum for pirates suffering from sobriety.

McGonagall continued as Headmistress and Gryffindor tower was rebuilt. They added math classes to make sure no one would try to divide by zero again.

Snape and Lupin bonded together over their love of long-distance broom riding. They were just recently married and continue to take long romantic broom rides together... and they always bring a snack in case they get hungry.

Nella and Wormtail, who was still sparkling, were living in a tent, down by the river. They had gotten married, had a baby who was engaged to Fenrir Greyback at birth which was not at all creepy, they divorced due to Wormtail refusing to break her skull one night, but they've reconciled and are still living in that tent, down by the river with their baby girl Ermaghersadaffdsme.

Mary Sue went back to New York City and using her superior knowledge of everything, made a clone of herself who she married. Finally she was with someone who would not abandon her for being too beautiful or smart or talented. She had 3.14 perfect children with herself and then, being too perfect for Earth, invented a rocket and a space colony from where she, her clone wife, their 3.14 children, 2 dogs and a cat operate a successful chiropractic practise.

Hello Su went to Japan like Snape told her to and got really pissed off. People there didn't yell KAWAII for no reason and broke random pieces of wood and there were no neon dressed ninjas to be found.. and everyone spoke this strange, non-English language. She went back to wherever she was from originally and started a successful cult. Their motto? BELIEVE IT!

Enoby has been confined to St. Mungo's closed ward since the attack. Although healers know how to remove the grammar book from her, they've decided not to, concluding that she's a "bloody annoying little git and should know the difference between 'there' and 'they're' after nineteen bloody years." She still struggles with basic grammar and gets packages from Hot Topic every year from a secret admirer.

Bellatrix left Voldemort and started her own evil enterprise where she actually kills her victims before explaining the entire convoluted plot to them. She currently controls a large part of Wizarding Europe where she's instituted a reign of terror, torture and murder but no one's really concerned about that. She's won the Best European Evil Villain Laugh Award for the last four years in a row and is perfectly happy with her husband after she cut off his nose.

Voldemort was disgraced by the failure of his latest plot. He was expelled from the Association of Evil Villains and had his Evil Laugh Awards confiscated. He recently tried to make a comeback on Dancing With The Death Eaters but lost to Augustus Rookwood... by a nose.

Gilderoy Lockheart made a miraculous recovery. He plans to write a book about how he single-handedly stopped the shark rains once they stop.

All Was Well.