ATTACK OF THE KILLER DICK: CHRISTMAS EDITION
(A/N: Yo this is another installment in the "Attack Of The Killer Dick" series. Those of you who have read that... You know what to expect. You don't HAVE to read it to understand this fic, but feel free to! You also may wanna watch the Saturday Night Live sketch, "Dick In A Box" before reading this. That's what inspired this.)
It was Christmas time, and Cartman and Kyle were still going strong. Kyle was Jewish, but that didn't stop Cartman from getting him a Christmas present.
Cartman walked up to the Broflovski residence, holding a large box at crotch-level. He knocked on the door, "GET YOUR JEW ASS OUT HERE, KAHL!"
Cartman heard Kyle's mom screaming at him about the bad word, because she's a fucking bitch. Kyle opened the door, looking like his usual pissed off Jew self. "What do you want, Cartman?" He demanded.
"Open this box." Cartman instructed, a mischievous smirk on his face.
Kyle frowned, and hesitantly opened the lid of the box. It was empty!
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Cartman screamed out. Inside the box was SUPPOSED to be his dick (attached to his body, of course).
"Cartman, what the fuck, dude?" Kyle asked, staring at the box. He noticed a hole by where Cartman's dick was, and realized what had happened. Both of them let out a shocked scream.
"MY DICK IS GONE MY DICK IS GONE MY DICK IS GONE!" Cartman screamed like a little girl.
"WAIT!" Kyle cried out. "THERE ARE DICK TRACKS IN THE SNOW!" He pointed to a trail of circular prints in the snow. "LETS FOLLOW THEM!"
"GOT IT!" Cartman abandoned his dick box, and then grabbed Kyle's hand. Who knew what shenanigans his feisty dick would get into this time?
The two of then walked for a couple of days, following the dick tracks. Cartman and Kyle ended up in Canada. When they were there, they found trails of dead Canadian bodies! Including Terrence and Phillip!
They stopped for a few minutes to mourn their childhood heroes before resuming their journey.
"YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOUR FUCKING PENIS, CARTMAN!" Kyle said.
"WELL SO-RRY!" Cartman responded angrily.
They finally ended up at the North Pole, home of Santa Claus and all that shit. It was the North Pole as it was in Rudolph.
The dick had obviously been there! Several dead cunt elves laid, obviously having suffered severe throat trauma from the dick suffocating them. There were some dead cunt reindeer, too.
Kyle and Cartman didn't care, because they were all a bunch of fucking cunts.
They got to the place where Santa lived, and he was having sex with Frosty because Santa doesn't give a fuck about anything. Santa was about to have an orgasm, and was shouting "ho ho ho ho HO HO HO HO!" And then Frosty melted when Santa's hot seed hit his snow ass. But Santa didn't care.
Cartman and Kyle listened as Cartman's dick fucked Santa! But it didn't kill Santa because that would have been a bit extreme.
They followed the dick into the reindeer enclousure, where it had already killed Rudolph the cunt reindeer and Clarice the cunt reindeer and Herbie the cunt elf. Now, the dick laid limp in the snow. Cartman sighed in relief and reattached it to his crotch. Kyle and Cartman proceeded to have sex on the dead bodies of all the jerk animals and elves. It was Christmas sex. Which made Kyle's mom cringe and vomit because she WAS SECRETLY FOLLOWING KYLE AND CARTMAN THE WHOLE TIME OHHHH PLOT TWIST!
THE END