You'll always be right by my side.
To help me show, hope to all,
That are lost and sick in this dying world.
I'll use the love you left behind,
I'll change their minds, I'll change their minds.

- Second & Sebring by Of Mice & Men

My mother is sobbing, my father just looks angry, and my sister stares out the grimy window just adjacent to Ren's bed. He lays there peacefully, his brown hair flopping over his gently closed eyes, oblivious to the frantic world around. I press my lips against his cheek, his lanky body curled up like a newborn kitten. A nurse shoves me out of the way, her tight lipped face telling me to get out, but I cannot comprehend a single word she utters. Doctors and nurses soon surround me, pushing me out, and pretty soon they've locked the door, and my brother - my baby brother's fate is left in their hands.

I slump against the wall, my heart beating sporadically. It's been 2 hours since the last words is exchanged with Rin. God, it felt so much longer than that. I wipe at my face, feeling the salty burning tears grapple at my skin like a poison tipped arrow piercing the side of your face.

"...it's all over now."

"Why how I ju... thank you."

My ears spark an interest in my slowly disappearing hope, hearing my father talk solemnly to the nurse in charge of Ren.

"What? Tell me? What are you talking about!?"

I pry myself off the cold linoleum tiles, and kneel pleadingly in front of the nurse in question.

"H-help me miss."

Her eyes are cold, and she smiles pitifully in a forced manner.

"I think you should ask your father, Hun."

She stalks away, fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously at another patient.

"W-what's happening?"

"He, he.. I-i Makoto I-"

He glances down at me and motions for me to sit down.

"Makoto, don't cry, please don't, I know you've been in serious misery, and I don't want to see you breakdown again."

If only he knew.

He continues, gritting his teeth together.

"...and so I just would like you to take a deep breath, and um, I'm not going to lie okay? I won't sugar coat it or anything..."

He swallows painfully and looks away, biting his lip, head tilted away.

"Re-ren he.."

"Look at me when you say this father. I want you to look me straight in the eye. I've been through a lot and all it would cost you would to tell me, and not be afraid of it! I need to know you're brave, that's it, this family is falling apart, and yes, it's tough, but really, when you have today, say all that you have to say!"

He looks up, wide eyed, lips in a round circle.

"Makoto, I'm sorry... I never knew it got this way.. Son..."

"Please! please just PLEASE TELL ME THE TRUTH! just.. please..."

My heart shatters at the broken emotion played on his face, but my gaze never breaks.

"Makoto, R-ren is in a coma."

"What?"

I think I've finally reached my breaking point.

"How?"

Father stares ahead glassily, mouth ajar.

"H-he's suicidal Makoto."

"He's a cutter. He self harms." He whispers faintly, blood dripping from his severely bitten tongue.

All I remember next is blacking out.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

And then I found out how hard it is to really change.
Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
I just wanted the numb inside me to leave.
No matter how f*cked you get, there's always hell when you come back down.
The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had.
There's glimpses of heaven in every day.
In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.
I just had to start again.

Hospital For Souls - Bring Me the Horizon