The following letter was found on December 30th by a group of Canadians. They sent it to South Park, where it was then published in the local newspapers.
Dear Whoever Finds This,
My name is Craig Tucker, and I have been kidnapped by Santa Claus.
I'd have to say that this whole thing started last year. I was a simple ten-year-old, but my life was changed when four assholes convinced me to join a fucking pan flute band just because I had $100 from my grandma. It ended up with us being in Peru, and me saving the world from various giant guinea-creatures. After that experience, I swore that I would never associate with them again.
I didn't follow my own advice. I'm a fucking idiot. Because of that, I'm now sitting in the sleigh of fucking Santa Claus, heading to what I hope will be the North Pole. My friend Clyde is here with me, and he's been crying for the past hour. I want to slap him so badly.
Anyways, this letter isn't a plea for help. I just want the world to know how Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, and Kyle Broflovski are assholes.
"Come see Santa with us," they said.
"It'll be fun," they said.
So Clyde and I decided to go. We all dressed in festive clothes (except Kyle. He wore a menorah sweater) and walked to where "Santa" was.
Clyde, being the idiot, asked Santa for his mom back. I know what you're thinking: 'Awww, cute little kid just wanted his mommy back!'
Bullshit.
Santa told Clyde to wait, and I stayed with him because I'm such a good fucking friend.
As it turns out, this Santa wasn't just some schmuck with a fake beard. It was the real fucking Santa Claus. He put us in his sleigh, and next thing I knew, we were on our way to the North Pole in order to work for Santa. At least he was nice enough to explain what his plans were. Unless he was lying.
Fuck you, assholes.
Love, Craig Tucker