Out of Sight, Out of Mind
My heart was beating too fast, and the room was too dark. And my mind was too much of a blur to know what to do. How to react. What was going on.
Let me rewind. October 19th was as normal as any birthday would start, I guess. I woke up early in the morning, staring at the ceiling for a long time. I kept breathing and lying there, feeling nothing. And inside my head I kept telling myself to enjoy the day, because in 365 days I would be a completely new person, no matter what I chose.
I went down the white rectangle stairs that spiraled to the main floor of the apartment space. For my birthday this year I had rented a small apartment space to host a small sweet sixteen. Erudite parties we're always fun, never too out of hand we were too smart for that.
Kim was there bright and early to wish me a happy birthday, and somehow in the morning she still looked like some kind of angel. Maybe it was the crisp white pajamas against her milk chocolate hair and ocean eyes, but she just looed too perfect.
The morning was begun with a small flurry of birthday calls from family members to me, yet this year I couldn't even enjoy the seranation because my mind was too busy buzzing like fluffy white bees in a flurry. I had too much on my mind.
We finished decorating the apartment with simple gray and white décor. Though seemingly boring the space became classic and simple. Kim went back up to the other bedroom to nap before the party, and I went to my own room to think. Just think.
When suddenly I felt the in out of breath that wasn't mind.
"Jayson?" I slightly jumped, as in front of me was my boyfriend. He was dressed in simple jeans and a navy blue shirt, but added a comfortable smirk on his face. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"No particular reason," he said walking around my room, "I just thought I would visit." Jayson had made a habit of that lately, visits during no visitor hours. I felt like Jayson was always there to spend time with me, as if he wanted something from me.
It was raining outside, and the pitter patter was a soothing distraction from the thoughts. "Merrick I worry about you." I smirked at him and he pulled me in for a small kiss sitting next to me on my bed.
"As I do you," he teased getting up and leaning against the nearest wall.
I brushed a strand of light blonde back, "Seriously though, what's up?" I stared at his dark blue eyes, the color of his shirt. They looked like they had been thinking of something.
Jayson was quiet, opened his mouth, and then made a slight movement. I knew that whatever that was meant he changed his mind on what he was going to tell me. "Nothing. "
"Nothing?"
"Just stress…" I felt like it was déjà vu from the same conversation I had with Ernest just weeks before. I couldn't help but feel a knot in my chest, wondering if the theory Karma's a bitch would be proved.
"Jay?" I said looking to him seriously, and it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to know that he really was stressed. You could tell just by the way his shoulders seemed tenser, even when he was supposed to be relaxed.
"It's really nothing Chase," he said to me shaking his head. I hated that, when people talked down to me like I was a child or something. It was the same look I got from my mother when she was doing something important or from my brother when he knew something I didn't. It was like they were trying to shield me from information, like it would change anything.
Jayson continued, looking actually to my eyes instead of adverting them. "Have you been thinking…about initiation?"
"Jayce…" I started, "You know I hate talking about this."
"I know you do, it's just we can't avoid it forever it's coming in a month."
"Then I'll worry in a month," I said dismissively, beginning to talk my hair out of its tight braid and re-braid it in frustration.
"You can't just avoid all of your problems you know." he said to me, his voice rising and falling within seconds. As soon as he said it I knew he regretted it. "Chase I didn't mean it that way."
I didn't look up from my braid, braiding faster and faster as my anger rose. "I think you meant it exactly that way." The words fired back bitterly. I think I was just hurt because it was true. I couldn't avoid my way though everything I was too afraid to face. But I couldn't face them, because I was afraid. More afraid then I ever wanted to admit.
Jayson sighed, sitting back next to me on the bed. "No I didn't its just…"
"I'm tired," I said to him flatty, waiting for him to get the message. I remembered how we once thought we were twins, and hopped he got it that I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't bare that once again he was right and I was wrong.
Jayson sighed once me, giving up and standing up. "You should take a nap."
I nodded, biting my lip hard to stop me from getting upset. Not upset at him upset at the truth. "Do you want to leave the way you came," I gestured too the large window, "or would you rather the ever so popular door option?" I teased.
Jayson chuckled, "I'll take the door. By Chase see you tonight,"
"See you Merrick," I said to him softly, burring the rest of my sight and sound into my white pillow. Because once your out of sight you our of mind, and I wanted nothing more then to forget.
hope you enjoyed these two chapters. More to come soon. But if you want a spoiler then check out Lost and Found, which will be deleted soon. Anyways thanks for reading!
xoxo Queenbee19