I've been lying on my bed, naked, for three days. I don't let anyone in my room. I've starving though, literally.
I just don't want anyone to see me. I really just want to be alone. I've literally been lying here, staring at the ceiling.
And it clicks.
This is why I've been so stressed out. Why I've had trouble sleeping. Why I'm not in the mood for sex around Peeta that much, and when I am, I get out of it real fast. Why I've spent so much time in my room lately.
It's my career. It's killing me. It's suffocating me. It's killing me inside, and damaging Peeta and I. I'm lightheaded when I stand up, and I actually fall and catch myself.
Why am I doing this? Why am I starving myself? Why am I worrying Peeta to his breaking point?
And more importantly, why am I letting the enemy win?
This isn't me. This is a shell of a real me.
It's time to be Katniss again.
I take a shower and pull on skinny jeans and a tank top and braid my wet hair and go downstairs. I'm more thirsty than I am hungry. I ignore everyone and go into the kitchen and get a huge glass of water and a huge bowl of raviolis.
I down the entire meal without anyone noticing and silently put everything away.
"I've just realized something." I announce when I walk into the living room. Relief floods Peeta's worried face.
"And what's that?" he asks.
"Why I've been so depressed. Why I've been stressed and just want to cry. Why I haven't been in the mood. It's those bastards out there. Why am I letting them win? This isn't me. I'm going to go out into the city and I'm going to let them rant and I'm going to keep my thoughts in my head. And when I get home, I'm going to announce in a video of what really happened on Ellen. Whoever doesn't believe me…well, fuck them. This is my life, not theirs. I'm going to live my life the way I want and I'm not going to let them win."
"There she is." Haymitch grins.
"Not before you eat." Peeta says sternly.
"I ate already." I reply. "I've been down here for fifteen minutes."
"Actually," Johanna stands up. "I say you open the gate." She says. "Instead of going into the city. Mask your emotions. Sit down on the porch with a book, put your feet on the railing, cross your ankles and read while they question you. Don't let them see a change in your face. "Only thank the people that are complimenting you, and make sure to smile.
"I love that. When I text you, open the gates, alright?" I ask.
"Yes, I love this idea. This will show them that you're not putting up with the bullshit, but the video will show you still care." Haymitch says.
"But do it with Peeta. You're not the only one with a breach in your career."
"Right, and then tomorrow we'll release a new song to see how many people want your music still. If we're lucky, the world likes your spunk and you'll rack in even more money. And we can completely manipulate the price and raise it to five dollars instead of one." Haymitch says.
"Oh this is such a good idea. Let's show Ellen that we can act." Peeta smirks.
"Oh! You guys should open your present from Dad and I early and then look through that instead!" Mrs. Mellark says.
I look at Peeta and he shrugs. Mrs. Mellark hands the gift to Peeta and the two of them watch excitedly. I lean behind Peeta and rest my chin on his shoulder.
"We can just open it together." He says.
"Nah, you open it." I whisper. He rips off the paper, and both of us gasp.
Peeta Ryan & Katniss Joy Throughout The Years
It's a really thick book, as thick as the last Harry Potter book. There is a photo in the center. I remember that clearly. This was the first time we'd ever fallen asleep together. We were watching a movie on the pull out couch in the living room and I drifted off and he fell asleep after, and in this photo, my head is on his chest, his hand is on my back and our legs are entwined. My head is tilted up towards him and his is tilted down towards me.
"Do you remember this?" he asks, tapping the photo.
"Yeah, that was the first time we'd ever fallen asleep together. We were watching the little rascals."
"Yeah…" he whispers. "Thank you, you guys, really." Peeta hugs his parents, and then I hug them too. We retrieve our phones and the book and my fuzzy blanket and go out on the porch. There's a single lawn chair out here. It's cushioned, of course. He lays down on it and I lay between his legs, resting back against him. I cover both of us with the blanket.
He rests his chin on my shoulder and I text Johanna and open the book.
"Mask your emotions, remember." He whispers.
I'm the master at that. He's an amazing liar, but I'm the master at masking emotions. My reflection in my phone appears bored. The paparazzi swarm the porch and we don't react. We don't even look up at them. We actually act like we don't see them.
Why did you do that to Ellen?
Why are you such a bitch?
Peeta, why are you in love with this bitch?
Katniss! I love your hair today!
I look up at the person that said that and smile. "Thank you." I go back to the book now and make a mental note to look at this book later because the paparazzi are so loud that I can't even think. I see a photo though, of us in our camping gear, at fifteen, and I smile up at Peeta. That was the night we lost our virginity. He kisses my cheek, and then my neck.
"I love you." he whispers in my ear. I look up at him and kiss him.
"I love you too." I whisper. He kisses me again, and I kiss him back, allowing it to be longer.
…a….
After three hours, I'm shivering and I really just want to go inside. Three more hours and the paparazzi get pissed and leave. We wait ten minutes before we get up and go inside.
"That was incredible!" Haymitch says. I'm freezing cold. Peeta goes off into the kitchen and comes back with hot chocolate for me. "You two are amazing! I say you make the video in your bedroom. Make sure to shed a few tears Katniss. You want everyone to see how affected you are."
"Right," I reply, sucking down my hot chocolate. We go upstairs and see up the camera in front of the TV. It's messy in here but I don't really care. I press play and join Peeta. "I think you all know what I did on Ellen. I know you all think I just did it because I wanted to. Well, that's not the case. During commercial break, Ellen accused us of faking our relationship. For some unknown reason, everyone thinks our relationship is fake. She said I was a terrible liar. Right when it went to commercial break, she said 'You guys know that I know your faking your love, right?' and I asked 'what' and she said 'You're faking. You're terrible at acting and I know your faking.' and I said 'we're not faking anything' and she said 'and Katniss, your a terrible liar, you guys are obviously fak-' and that's when the cameras turned back on."
"I don't understand why you think we're faking. We're not pretending to be in love to get mine, or publicity. We're actually in love. See this ring? This is real. I bought it. I put it on her finger. See this kiss?" He kisses me for a moment. "It's real." I force tears out, and Peeta wipes them and kisses my nose
"Yeah. It's not fake. This room is actually my room. It may not be clean, but it's mine. Now, if you guys don't believe us...you really don't have to. But we, us, Peeta and I, really want you guys to know what really happened on Ellen. That we're not faking our relationship. I want you guys to know that this?" I hold up my wrist, showing the tattoo. "It's a real tattoo. It's never coming off. This?" I lift my shirt up to show the tattoo the world doesn't know about. "It's real."
"Yeah. This?" Peeta taps his arm. "It's real. I got this when I was seventeen years old and Katniss was with me. If we weren't actually in love, do you really think we would get real tattoos with each other's names on it?"
"We wouldn't. Anyways...we just wanted you guys to know that this isn't a fake relationship. I am actually in love with Peeta. That everything that happened on Ellen was because I was angry because of what she said off screen. I'm not like that to people unless they upset me or Peeta. So...if you believe us, that's great, that's wonderful. If you don't...then you don't. There isn't much that Peeta and I can do to change your mind." I get up and stop the video.
"Are you okay?" Peeta asks.
"No! I don't understand why nobody will believe us!" I whine.
"I don't either," he walks over to me. "But it doesn't matter. As long as you know I would take a bullet for you, that's all that matters. I just hope that this isn't messing up Ellen's show. I know she wasn't the nicest to us but still."
"Yeah, me too. I love you."
"I love you too." He murmurs. I kiss him. He looks at the camera and his eyes widen slightly. "That recording button is still on." He says.
"No it isn't, I-oops." The red recording button is still on. The cap has the lens covered but that's it. He stops the video and sighs.
"I hope we don't have to redo that." I mutter.
"Me too," he whispers. "Now...I know for a fact you didn't sleep at all last night."
"And I know you didn't." I reply.
"Yeah..." He grabs my hand and pulls me downstairs.
...9...
I must have fallen asleep in his lap, because the next thing I know, I'm being roused by Haymitch. Peeta is running his hands up and down my back, slipped under my shirt. My head is on his chest. "Ellen is talking about you and Peeta on her show sweetheart. We paused it before it played. Wake up." Haymitch orders. I sigh and turn my head so it's on the TV. He presses play.
"Katniss Everdeen is the worst influence on young children." Ellen begins. Peeta sighs loudly, his irritation evident. "She takes nakd pictures of herself and sends it to other men."
"What! No I d-"
"Shhh! We know you don't you bloody idiot!" Johanna shushes me.
"And if you don't believe us, we have a picture right here." A photo on her screen pops up. It's unmistakably me naked, but it's not my boobs or crotch.
"I-" I begin.
"Bullshit! That is not Katniss!" Peeta cuts me off.
"As a matter of fact, we have a photo of the messages." Ellen says. The photo changes to a message thing.
I sent the picture and put 'like?'
And the guy said 'aren't you engaged or something'
And I said 'yeah but I hate him'
And the guy said 'your sexy. Are you home?'
I said 'yes'
And he said 'I'm coming over. I want you'
"As you can see folks, Katniss is not in love with Peeta. He probably loves her, but she's a wild, out of control twenty one year old girl. I saw we sell Peeta Mellark so he can know what it's like to have a real female! Katniss Everdeen is a slut and a whore. Nobody likes her." The show ends.
Instead of being upset, I feel blind anger. Everyone is watching me closely.
"Are we still releasing the song tomorrow?" I demand angrily. Haymitch raises his eyebrows, surprised.
"Yes..." He trails off. I stand up.
"Good." And then I go into my office and slam the door behind me.