Hi. This chapter does skip around a bit but hopefully still makes sense! Enjoy and as ever please review...

Monday Night, Holby

Jonny's Car

Jonny pulled up in front of Jac's apartment block and looked over at her, she was sitting beside him gazing into space and didn't seem aware that they'd even stopped, let alone that they'd reached their destination. "Jac," he said softly, but on receiving no response, repeated slightly louder, "Jac, sweetheart."

"Mmm what?" Jac replied distractedly.

"We're here," Jonny said, indicating the apartment block.

"Oh, already," Jac said, sounding surprised, "that was quick."

Jonny could have said that it wasn't quick at all – that in fact the journey to her house had taken nearly twice as long as it should have because of the roadworks, and the attendant temporary traffic lights, that seemed to have sprung up overnight all along the route from the hospital. He could have, but he didn't because he realised that there'd be no point - knowing as he did that, as had been true for the whole journey she wasn't really here in his car. Well, obviously, he corrected himself, physically she was but in all other aspects, mentally, emotionally, she was still back at the hospital with Jil. He still wasn't exactly sure how they'd managed to get her here even physically – she'd seemed set on staying in the on-call room but then he remembered, with a wry smile, there was Jil. Jil who had somehow forced Jac to promise that she would come home, and had then, when Jac had reluctantly gathered her stuff together and come to say goodbye, forbidden her to drive herself home, and to ensure that she didn't had taken her car keys from her bag. And who had an answer to all of Jac's objections, 'So how am I meant to get home then? I don't want to have to wait hours for a taxi thank you all the same.'

'You won't have to – Jonny can take you.'

'Oh great, so I'm going to have to wait for him to finish his shift – that's over an hour away, so I'll be no better off.'

'No – Jonny's going to finish early – he'll be done at nine.'

'But then the ward will be short-staffed.'

'No – Grace is coming in early isn't she Jonny?' And Jonny who had been watching this interaction with interest, and more than a hint of amusement nodded. "So you can just sit down here for what," Jil had said, glancing at her watch 'about 10 minutes, and then you can be on your way.'

'Oh,' Jac had said, the wind suddenly taken out of her sails, 'ok then.' Before asking, as Jonny walked off to finish things off before he left. 'But why is Grace coming in early – how did she know that Jonny would need to leave?'

And even though he had heard, Jonny pretended that he hadn't – not wanting to tell Jac the real answer to this question and knowing that he wouldn't be able to lie to her either. In truth, Grace's early appearance had been organised by the nurses on the ward between themselves because Jac, after completing her theatre list and having nothing to focus on but Jil once again, had reverted to how she had been that morning when she came up from AAU, and in desperation they'd decided that the only way to deal with it was to get Miss Naylor off the ward as soon as possible. And knowing that Jonny was probably their only possible escape plan they'd organised for someone to cover for him so that he could take Jac home. It seemed their plan might be foiled when she'd announced her intention to stay overnight but then Jil had intervened and, unwittingly, saved the day, or at least their sanity, with her insistence that Jac was to go home.

And Jonny had to admit he could see their point – Jac had been Miss Naylor-ish to the nth degree, since she'd left the operating theatre, her mood not helped by the delays there had been in getting Jil down for her MRI. First the out-patient list had over-run spectacularly and then a patient from A & E had needed an urgent scan, which took priority over Jil's despite Jac's phone calls to both the ED and radiology to express her disagreement with this decision. And despite Jonny and Jil's best efforts to calm Jac down, she was incredibly stressed (and bad tempered with everybody) until finally the porter's had come to take Jil down. Jil, on the other hand, had actually seemed quite pleased about the delay, and Jonny realised why when he heard her speaking to Daniel whilst he was doing Rosie's obs'.

'Hey sweetheart it's me…..I'm still with Jac….Well, you know how useless you are when you get back from one of your trips…..You so are Dan – grouchy doesn't even begin to cover it and..and anyway Jac's got something organised for tonight and I'd really like to stay for it. And that'll give you time to have a good night's sleep and discover your usual good mood for when I see you tomorrow…I know, and I was too but you'll probably be asleep by the time I get home if I leave now, and it's only one more night…..Aw, I'll miss you too but like I said it's not even 24 hours…Alright, ok – I'll see you soon…..Oh, and make sure you go to bed soon – I definitely don't want you grumpy tomorrow…..Yeah, ok – see you tomorrow. Love you…..Bye'

And as the phone call ended and he drew the curtains back round Rosie's bed, he saw the expression on Jac's face, as did Jil – the eyebrows had it yet again. And Jil said defensively, "What? He is an absolute nightmare when he's jetlagged. And an MRI IS a thing," she added.

"Mmm" Jac replied, who had hung around whilst Jil was on the phone just in case, by any remote chance, she saw sense and decided to tell Daniel the truth. "I'm not sure Daniel will see it quite like that but he's your husband, so he'll be your problem come tomorrow."

"Exactly," Jil agreed with her, "so you don't have to worry about him!" At which comment, Jac thought 'if only it were that easy.' In truth she was extremely worried about everything and everybody concerned with Jil. The test results weren't looking great and, although she didn't want to even contemplate it, the professional part of her brain wouldn't let her discount the possibility of more surgery for Jil. And she so wanted to be able to discount that possibility – it had been bad enough before, but now there wasn't just Jil to consider, there was Robin too – which added several layers of complexity to the problem. And then there was Daniel, and the boys and Assumpta, who had all been added to the long list of people who loved Jil since her last operation. Not to mention her kids, Jac suddenly thought, all those children Jil worked with – what would they do if something happened to her? She had a fair idea of how important she must be to them, knowing how much she had longed to have someone like Jil in her life when she had been in care, and wondering if her life would have turned out differently if she had. Which was why the MRI was so important – it'd give her a much clearer idea of what she had to deal with, how much she would have to face, and this simple fact decided her next actions.

"Right," she said, getting up suddenly from the chair by Jil's bed, "I'm going to chase your MRI up again. Honestly, how long can it take them to do one scan?"

"No Jac, don't" Jil began, "It's o.." but Jac was already on her way over to the nurse's station. "It's OK – I don't mind waiting," Jil concluded, quietly to herself. Before looking at the ceiling she cast a silent prayer heavenwards, 'Please God, don't let her be too rude'

ooooooooooooooooooo

And then Jil had had the MRI and things went from bad to worse – Jac wasn't an expert, and would have to wait for a radiologist to review and report the scan but was fairly sure that surgery was by far the most likely outcome going on what she had seen. She'd tried, throughout the day, not to let her increasing worry levels show through to Jil, but wasn't sure she was doing a particularly good job of it, which in turn made her worry more, because stress was absolutely no good for Jil at the moment. So when Jil asked her what the 'magic machine' had shown up, she'd been deliberately vague and then distracted her by showing her the pictures of Robin the MRI had also taken. And though they hadn't really been the best 'photos' of a baby Jac had seen, Jil had been thrilled, excitedly showing them to Rosie and Beth when she got back to the ward and calling Jonny over to look at them when she saw him. 'That's twice I've seen Robin today' she'd said beaming, referring to the ultrasound she'd had as soon as she arrived on Darwin, 'and I heard the heartbeat too. Your daddy's going to be so jealous when I tell him' she added, stroking her bump affectionately.

And Jac had had to leave – not able to stand seeing her best friend so happy, when she knew there was a real chance that this happiness would be so very short-lived – she knew the risks, better than most, of operating on someone when they were pregnant, and also the risks inherent to any baby born at just 24 weeks. 'Comfort break' she'd said, in answer to Jil's unspoken question, as she stood up from her place by her bed, managing, somehow, to smile at her before walking slowly out of the bay. But Jonny knew something was wrong, had known from the minute they'd returned from radiology and he'd seen the strain in Jac's eyes, well hidden but still, to him, noticeable. He'd wanted to go down with them but Mrs Thele had 'gone off' just before the porters arrived to take Jil down, and by the time they'd got her back Jil was already in the scanner, and because Kate had gone down with them, Jonny wasn't able to leave the ward as well. So he followed Jac a few moments after she left, 'No rest for the wicked' the get-out clause he'd used with Jil, who had looked up at him and smiled before continuing excitedly to point out parts of the scan to Rosie and Beth. And he saw her, as he'd suspected heading, not towards the staff toilet, but to her office. And when he had made his way over to the door in her wake, he found her standing behind her desk, turned away from him, looking out of the window onto the darkness that had fallen. She sensed him there but didn't turn round, not trusting that she would be able to hold herself together if she did. And for the same reason, as he walked towards her she instinctively moved further away and said, 'Don't, please' visibly flinching as she did so. She knew he would be hurt, knew that he only wanted to support her, to be a good boyfriend, but also knew that if he came too close she wouldn't be able to contain her emotions, and that she couldn't afford to let them go – not now, not yet. So Jonny had stopped, hurt, not fully understanding but sensing somehow that she hadn't said that, done that because she didn't want him there but because, for some reason, she didn't feel he could be.

Which brought him back to here and now – once again watching Jac struggling and not feeling that he could do anything to help her, or more properly that he shouldn't because somehow it might make things worse for her if he did. "Well," he replied, "they don't call me Jackie Stewart for nothing you know," trying desperately to make her smile.

"What?" Jac said distractedly, the look she gave him indicating that although she might have answered him before, she definitely wasn't truly involved in the conversation he thought they'd been having.

"Nothing," he answered, "it was nothing," managing a small smile to try and reassure her, even though in truth it was the last thing he felt like doing.

"OK" Jac said, uncertainly, before, after a visible struggle to rouse herself from the torpor she seemed to be in, continued, "Right" And reaching down pressed the button which released her seatbelt, and then opened the car door. Then after picking up her bag from by her feet and taking a deep breath she got of his car, again with visible effort, and then stood outside hand on the door with her back to the inside of the car. And Jonny watched her, not sure what he should do. He wanted to follow her out but wasn't sure if that was what she'd want, or perhaps, more importantly, what she needed. So he waited, watching her stand, alone by his car, breathing in the night air. He couldn't see her face but he could tell she was trying desperately to calm herself down, to regain her composure, perhaps to reassure herself that everything was going to be OK – or at least to try to. And then she turned round, and leaning down into the car said, "Are you coming in, or what?" And though it wasn't the most gracious of invitations he'd ever received, he realised that it felt like it had come direct from Buckingham Palace, hand -delivered on a gold platter. And it gave him an answer of sorts too, whatever was going on in Jac's life, in her head she obviously wanted him…needed him there too. But sensing this wasn't the time to make a big deal about it he simply said,

"Yeah OK" and got out of the car, closing his door and opening the back one to take out the overnight bag he always kept in the foot well behind his seat in case he got a transplant call in the middle of the night. Looking up he saw Jac was still standing by the car, her door still open, so after closing the back door he walked round to where she was. "Come on then you," he said, "let's get inside," offering her his arm as he did so. And she took it, hooking her arm through his, without so much as a murmur. And, after briefly pausing to turn and close her door and lock the car, he led her towards her apartment block, towards her home, wondering what in the world he was going to do, how he should be when they got there…