Hi Folks. Next chapter slightly longer and with a bit more going on. Thanks for the lovely reviews, please keep them coming and as ever enjoy...
Monday Night, Holby
Jac's Apartment
The meal he'd so lovingly prepared had long since gone cold but, after a short blast in the microwave it was OK, not delicious but OK , although he got the sense that Jac wasn't actually tasting it anyway, just eating it because he'd put it in front of her and told her that she should. After her deeply felt, but highly uncharacteristic, show of emotion she seemed to have switched back to auto-pilot mode – answering his question monosyllabically, if she answered him at all. She was once again in her own world, somewhere he couldn't, for the time being, reach her. He watched her eating the last of her meal and, when she had, sit in silence for a little while longer, gazing at a point somewhere to the left of his head. Then, suddenly, and for no particular reason he could see, she gave herself a slight shake and came back to the real world, looking at and actually seeing him for the first time since he'd sat down opposite her. "Sorry," she said, suddenly aware that she'd not really been 'there' for some time, "I've not been great company tonight."
"Hey, there's no need to apologise," Jonny replied, "no need at all."
"Well that may be true but I am anyway – this wasn't quite what I had in mind when I said I'd see you tonight on Friday."
"No, I don't suppose it was," Jonny said softly, "but" he continued, reaching across the table to hold her hand, interlocking his fingers with hers, "I'm with you and that's what matters." And he was amazed that instead of making a sarcastic comment about sick bowls or raising her eyebrows and giving him one of her looks, Jac just smiled – a sweet, small smile, and ever so gently squeezed his hand. And without her saying it Jonny knew that she was grateful for this, that she was pleased he was 'with her' and that made him happier than he would have thought possible. Jac yawned, covering her mouth with the hand Jonny wasn't holding, and glancing up at the clock, he realised that it was past 11. "Right," he said, gently releasing his hand from hers, "you need to go to bed. I'll just sort this out" he added, getting up and picking up the plates from the table "and then I'll be in. OK?"
"You can just leave those till the morning" Jac said, as he put the plates down by the sink and turned the hot tap on.
"Nah, it'll only take a minute" Jonny replied, "and anyway," he continued, looking back at her over his shoulder, "I never get a good night's sleep if there's something left undone, so it's much better if I just do it now. I'd hate to keep you awake tossing and turning because I was bothered about dirty dishes."
"Ok" Jac said uncertainly, watching him squeeze the Fairy liquid into the water, seeing the bowl fill with bubbles, and Jonny, after testing the water washing the plates and cutlery they had used.
He turned round to collect the glasses from the table and seeing her still sitting there said, "Hey – you're meant to be going to bed." Adding with a smile, "If you're still interested, I promise you can watch me wash up tomorrow morning." Before, bending down, he gently kissed her forehead and standing up said, "Now go on – bed!"
And Jac smiled back at him and said, "Yes sir", pushing her chair back and standing up "whatever you say."
"Can I have that in writing?" Jonny asked, quick as a flash, as he turned back toward the sink.
"No!" Jac replied definitely, walking towards the kitchen door - which made Jonny smile and think 'Of course not' - "not on your nelly," she continued, pausing in the doorway to look back at Jonny for a few moments. He was oblivious to her continued presence, and had begun to quietly hum whilst he washed up. And Jac suddenly realised how glad she was that he was there, and silently walked back across the kitchen to where he was standing, and wordlessly put her arms round his waist and rested her head on his back for a moment. And she felt him instinctively tense and then, almost immediately, relax as he realised that it was her. She stood there for a few moments hugging him, before, letting go, she gave his back a kiss and standing straight turned away from him and walked back across the kitchen, this time walking past the doorway and down the corridor towards the bathroom. Jonny stood motionless for a few seconds after Jac's departure, aware that something had just happened, just changed in their relationship, but not quite sure what that 'something' was, before, after shaking his head as if to clear it, he continued with the washing up.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Jonny entered Jac's bedroom and she tracked his movements smiling at him from her position in the bed. The light was provided by the bedside lamps which were both on and she looked sleepy, a fact that was confirmed by her yawning as he climbed into the bed by her. As he got himself comfy she turned her lamp off and wordlessly moved closer to him, and lifted her head inviting him to put his arm round her. An invitation he was happy to accept. She then turned more towards him and rested her head on his chest, so he held her closer and began to stroke her hair, and she listened to the comforting rhythm of his heart beat and was asleep in a matter of minutes. And though he could tell from the pattern of her breathing that she was sleeping he continued holding her, stroking her hair and gently kissing the top of her head every so often, until the arm she was leaning on started to get pins and needles. Then, he very carefully removed his arm from under her head and gently moved her slightly to the side, placing her head with infinite care, so as not to wake her, on to her pillow. Then after clenching and unclenching his fist till the pins and needles had eased off, he got himself comfortable turned his lamp off and, after rolling towards her and taking her hand in his under the covers, fell asleep to the sound of her breathing.
He was woken, what felt like minutes later, by his hand being squeezed painfully hard. He struggled to extricate it from Jac's grip and after finally managing this turned and put the lamp on, grateful that they were the touch-activated ones. He turned back towards Jac and could see immediately that she was having a nightmare, her hands were clenched tightly shut and she was, he could now see as the light from the lamps got brighter, murmuring in her sleep. Jonny wouldn't have said, until very recently, that Jac looked peaceful when she slept, but he would definitely have described her as being self-contained. However, this was not a description that could apply now and it worried him. He glanced over at the radio-alarm clock on the chest of drawers – 1.14 – and then turned his attention back to her, she was still obviously distressed and the nightmare appeared to be getting worse. He wasn't sure what to do – wondering if waking her was a good idea, until as he watched her getting more and more upset, he could stand it no more. "Jac," he said softly, "Jac, sweetheart you need to wake up now." He gently stroked her face, feeling the tension she was holding in it, with one hand whilst, with the other he traced circles with his thumb onto the tightly clenched fist of one of hers. He continued to do this for some time, repeating her name and the instruction for her to wake up, until suddenly her eyes shot open and he saw an expression of sheer terror in them.
She looked straight at him for a few seconds, the fear still evident in her eyes, and then as if she had suddenly remembered who he was she grabbed his hand and suddenly burst out with "I nicked an artery and there was so much blood Jonny, and I couldn't stop it. She just kept bleeding Jonny, Jil she was bleeding to death and I couldn't save her - there was nothing I could do." And then she started sobbing, heart-wrenching sobs which seemed to come from the very centre of her being and which made Jonny feel sick as he heard them. And he gathered her to himself, holding her close. He could feel her heart, through his T-shirt, hammering away in her chest and felt her tears soaking through this same T-shirt. And she kept sobbing, talking incoherently about 'so much blood', and 'Jil dying' and 'doing nothing' whilst she did so.
And Jonny felt helpless for a time until he could bear to hear her no more and decided that doing something, anything, no matter how useless it seemed, would be better than just watching her like this. So he began to stroke her back with his free hand, and to whisper into her head, which was still buried in his chest "It's ok, you're alright. I've got you….. It's ok, you're alright. I've got you….. It's ok, you're alright. I've got you….." Over and over again until it became like a mantra he was almost singing to her. He felt, rather than saw, at first her becoming more calm – the sobs slowly quietened until they were nothing more than a murmur, although she was still crying, and her heart beat and breathing rate slowed too. And then, she looked up at him – tears still coursing down her face, and he used his free hand (she still hadn't let go of his other one), to try and wipe them away, and when that didn't work gently kissed first her forehead, then her cheeks and then her eyelids, trying to kiss the tears away.
And then she kissed him – full on his lips, and he could feel the desperation in that kiss, and suddenly her free hand was scrabbling at his T-shirt and her kiss became deeper, more determined, more desperate. And Jonny, who didn't want to take advantage of the situation, of Jac's vulnerability, tried not to respond. And Jac who sensed his hesitation, guessed the reason for it and was grateful, but who needed him so very badly, broke off from the kiss looked at him, tears still falling and said the only word that was in her head at the time, "Please!" And that was enough and Jonny stopped resisting her – kissing her with a passion he wouldn't have thought was possible. Determined to help her fight her demons, to quieten her nightmares.
And when it was over, and Jac was once again listening to his heartbeat, her head on his chest, – skin to skin this time because, as if she wanted to be as close to him as possible, she'd taken his T-shirt off in the midst of their love-making, the only time she'd let go of his hand throughout it all - he again began to stroke her hair and to kiss the top of her head. And as he lay there, listening to her breathing slowly return to normal, and he felt the grip on his hand that she was still holding relax slightly, he reflected that this was the first time that she had ever asked him for anything of real significance, and he realised that it felt good that he had been able to help her. They had fought and beaten the demons together, and though Jonny wasn't sure why this was the case, he was convinced that Jac would have no more nightmares tonight. The magic they had made would keep her safe, and he was sure she felt this too. He sensed that she was asleep, and looking down at her saw that he was right. Not wanting to risk awakening her by breaking her hold on his hand, and unable to turn the bedside lamp off without doing this, he simply snuggled down further into the bed and, after giving her one last kiss, closed his eyes to block out the light. He lay there, for a few minutes listening to her breathing, until the events of the day and the night caught up with him, exhaustion took over and he too fell asleep.