I never thought of doing something so drastic

But I had to do something in order to survive

Through out the whole nine years I have lived in that horrible home, the days of hiding in the closet when ever she came home. The days of just never bothering to show up because I knew she could care less. I never found out why I always came back. Was it because I wanted to get to know her. I don't know why she turned out to become well, the way she is now. Her mother, my grandmother. She seemed like a nice lady, but now that I give it some thought, was she really? She did decide to burn down her own house before her granddaughter's eyes instead of trying to move on, she just gave up. I wanted to know more about who that lady I lived with was. But as the time passed on, I started to doubt she was really just there most of the time. The people, the customers she would have walk in the house I felt like they knew I was hiding, like as if I was being watched. That made me feel insecure about people. People, do they really do anything at all really? They either become a bum that no one cares about, The person down the street. People in this society, is what society want them to be, the influences, the things they hide. People, it's like they don't truly have their own role in society. Things can just go on and on. When I was smaller I thought about having friends, and about playing but, for some reason, at the same time I didn't I would watch the other people play and laugh and have fun. They get to enjoy themselves with there 'friends' until they have a small pathetic argument and stop being friends and get new replacement friends. I stayed away from them, they were loud, noise, annoying, they didn't respect each other.

I deiced to stay away from people, from the children. I did all my work and I did everything right because the more I read the more I thought I would be able to understand why people are this way. I read more and more. When I entered junior high, I spent a semester there, it was the same only they had strict rules about it. I didn't like it. I read through every text book. When I finished I knew just about everything the book had, I didn't bother touching it again, I did the work right when it was handed it to me and finished the home work all in class. Every quiz and test I took I passed with 100. I found no point in doing things like this. I would spend the few days in that library read every text book in there. The teachers recommended me the highest classes in the school I took them. Passed the exams with a perfect score. The exams determined if I was able to take it or not. When I passed it like nothing they just gave me the credits and I was done. I got bored of it. And all the students there, when I would look at there faces all I saw was the faces of how they have been lied to.

The second year of junior high I found a school. It wasn't the fanciest school, or the most well known, but it had an excellent library. Like the last I took the exams and passed them all. They assigned me classes but I decided never to show up. In that school the end of the year test determined the grade.

When ever I would get home it would be a routine, if she was home I left to find something to do so by the time I was done she would be gone. And if she wasn't I would just find what her client left and take it.

Every morning I would leave around 4. to leave before she even showed up. I would walk to school. Since the school I decided to attend was two cities away, I walked it. I had found a laptop when she wasn't there her client left it. It was new and had pictures of his family. I decided to keep it. A man with such a nice family and a warm kind vibe to them didn't deserve anything that should remind him of them if was a cheating bastard.

I found lots of things, game systems, I pods. Just there set aside from the door. Or tossed aside. From time to time I have stopped showing up at home, I would find a part time job and work there for as long as I could then if she was home or not I would just not show up, that's it.

There was just a few things that would bug me every time I would think about it . I would think about it every time I would be heading home. How is it out off all the people in this world this would have to happen to me. I mean when I look around at the people. They all seem to have happy lives. And seem to enjoy at least the simple hopes of life. I had some kind of childhood and I am grateful for it, well now I am. But not as much as I should.

It was one day, a day that I would make sure that I wouldn't forget, It was the day I was introduced to my mother. One day I didn't want to encounter, because for so long, my grandmother was my mother. She took care of me, and watched over me, but I was small, naïve, the day I was introduced to her I didnt know what to say to her. Everyone that came to the funeral was all her friends none of them were her family. I had the feeling that I was now probobly alone now. But when I heard that I wasn't a part of me wanted to look forward into life and think. I won't really be alone, but the moment I met her, or even saw her. I didn't think she was my mother. I didn't recognize her. She walked up to me and said in what was the last and the first time she had any emotion in her voice.

"Hi, I'm your mother," AT first I didn't say anything. But then she spoke again. "It's okay, she's happy now, and I bet she'll stay that way okay."

I guess it was that one encounter that made me want to get to know her.

That small child is still inside even through all the events that has happened to me. That child is in there hoping for a way to change everything, wanting to be found, and to be praised for the smallest things.

The small child that wanted to meet her mother again, the once she talked to the day she met her. But apparently I knew that, that would not happen, it's been too long, I know, because I dont even see her anymore, I walked up to my mother once, and she freaked out. It was all the alcohol that changed it.

But I had to learn that, things happen weather we wanted it to happen or not.

I didn't want to stay home, and I didn't but I also didn't want to go to class. So I would just spend the whole day in the library, it was always nice and quiet there. No matter how shitty the school's reputation was, the library had a lot to say about how it used to be. Books and book it was basically a whole two floors for a library that was rarely used by the students, not even the teachers.

I would find something to do in there every day. I would read a book, I would draw pictures that would help me keep my mind off things. I would most of the time if I was exhausted I would take naps. The librarian wouldn't care she was just getting paid for just sitting there doing nothing.

I noticed after a few days, like I was being watched, and I hated feeling like I was being watched for various reasons. I would take a look up and I noticed someone sitting across the room, just there. At first I thought hey, someone decided to visit or just plain ditch in the library, so I ignored it. But later after a few days I noticed he would be there most of the time. Just there, but I decided to continue with what ever I was doing, cause hey, I don't want to waste my time on nobody, I mean like on somebody I don't even know. I don't want to be around some weird category that everyone else is placed in. and what if it was some kind of plot or something,

But I try not to over think it because if I over think it then I'll probably start getting paranoid for what could be no apparent reason.

I decided to read a collection of books at a time. I am nearly done with a manga, Maid-sama, it's better than I expected. And after that I will plan on reading Vampire kisses. I was neer able to find the second book so I could get with the first but now that I found the second book, the first one was gone. It used to be where it always was every single day, no one comes into the library I would know I spend almost all my time here.

I decided to go sit back down, disappointed, After days of looking forward to reading it I couldn't find it.

But just as I began to raise my head, I remembered that, boy. The one that would be sitting across the room every single day.

That's when I saw it,

The book I was looking for

But what I didn't expect to notice was his expression.

I wasn't expecting to see such a hidden pained look inside that serious face of his.