Chapter 7

Meanwhile Shay had woken up from resting, having been curled up in bed unwillingly, one of Mycroft's staff having ordered her to bed. She limped out, her hair a mess of curls on her head as she looked around the room, seeing Alex wasn't there in the room.

"Alex!" She called out, panic rising in her. She grabbed a walking stick that was given to her, limping out into the hallway. "ALEX!" She called out again, rushing down the hallway.

"More, More!" Alex crowed, John flashing the torch again.

"Okay darling, here's a swan," He said, making his hands into a swan, showing a shadow puppet to Alex, "Now you try." He asked. Alex screwed her face up in concentration, showing John her best impression. "Very good darling." He encouraged, showing her another image. Shay leaned against the door , breathing a sigh of relief. "Oh thank god." She said to herself, pulling back to watch her daughter play, making sure she herself wasn't visible. She watched John make another shadow puppet, Alex jumping up and down with happiness, copying him at she worked. Shay grinned at her child, feeling so at peace for just a moment.

"There's my husband," Sherlock returned with tea and biscuits, setting them on the bedside table and laughed at Alex, "Hamish enjoys shadow puppets too, here," he knelt down and made a canary for her, "Pretty no? I came up to tell you dinner is about to be set, we have a special set for our little Princ- Poppet. Our little Poppet."

Sherlock stopped himself, the old sounding nickname caught Alex's attention, the too familiar big brown eyes stared up at him. For a split second he waited for the toothy smile to spread across the face and the corner of his mouth twitched. The hand to reach up and straighten the jacket, maybe even smooth out the collar. Someone called out to him and on the third shout, he finally turned round.

"John?"

John shook him gently. "Darling are you okay?" He asked. Alex getting up to look around.

"Where's daddy?" She asked. "Mummy said he was coming with us." She noted. Shay made herself visible.

"Soon darling. He's just very busy right now." She said, Alex running to her mother's arms.

"I miss him." Alex noted, Shay's heart breaking at hearing that Jim was missed. It was bad enough Jim forced himself on her. But it was a whole other thing to see Jim every time she looked at the daughter she loved so much. Shay kissed her daughter's forehead, looking at Sherlock and John.

"Thank you, for taking care of her while i was sleeping." She said, grateful for everything they had done for her. "On the positive side, one of Mycroft's staff, gave me a special pillow. So I can sit down for about five minutes at a time." She pointed out.

"Well break it out, dining room is downstairs, obviously. You think you can stand and walk now John? I think your blood count should be back to normal, cheeks appear to have gained some color," Sherlock pecked his cheek to distract himself.

John kissed him back, looking at his husband. "Yes darling I'll be fine."

"Right..." he glanced sideways to Alex and shook his head, needing to move past it, "I have been told that I am rather too tall, here. Up we go! So high up you can be your own airplane...called... Gertrude!" he placed the child on his shoulders and skipped around before flying out into the hallway and disappearing.

Shay watched him go with her screaming, happy child while looking at John. They both shrugged at each other.

"Just a reminder, the Holmes dress for dinner." John mention, going to the closet for something to wear.

"Well, what do I wear then? I look like a mess." Shay said, trying to tame her hair.

"I'm sure there's some old dresses in your bedroom."

"I suppose you found your clothes-...found them in... your rooms," Mycroft tried not to stare, not noticing the suit and tied John brushed past him because he was too concentrated on the women of fiery hair descend the staircase in a hugging green dress. If he had not known it any better he would have no idea that Shay had been shot from behind, maintaining a poise of grace with every step. Afraid she might trip on the last step, Mycroft had reached a hand out to hold hers almost needing to catch her anyway. Her body fell into his and in reaction his hand gripped her sides and his pulse jumped. Scared that his hand may have accidently knocked into her delicate rump.

"Sorry, sorry... dinner's, um, this way."

'Don't fall down the stairs, don't fall down the stairs." Shay thought to herself as she gripped the stair railing. When she bemoaned the fact that she had nothing to wear, some of the female members of Mycroft's staff 'kidnapped' her and found her a dress to wear (One of the guests left it) and helped her with her hair and makeup. She suspected Sherlock had a fair hand in it but she liked to think she wasn't just an excuse for a bunch of middle-aged women to play makeover fairy for an hour or two.

She went down the stairs, telling herself not to fall until she looked up, seeing Mycroft Holmes in a tuxedo. Now, seeing Mycroft Holmes put together wasn't a hard feat to see. But something about him in formal clothes, now that was just alluring. So alluring in fact she missed the last step, stumbling off the last step. She was caught by a pair of strong capable hands, Shay looking up to see him. She blushed again Why was she blushing so much?

"Yes...thank you." She said, groping for the words. "And please, tell your staff I said thank you."

Alex by now bounded the steps in an adorable pink dress, the second product of Mycroft's staff's makeover. However it was a little harder to get a five year old to hold still for it. Alex was of course used to being dolled up. The rare moments Jim wanted to be entertained by his daughter, Shay would have to dress her up for dinner. But dinner meant different things for the two.

Dinner meant a slew of presents for Alex and kisses and cuddles from a man who was rarely around. For Shay it meant that Jim would use her later for various bits of 'fun'. So rarely dressing for dinner was very fun for Shay. But this time it could be, Mycroft taking her arm and leading her to the elaborately set table.

"Do you do this every time you eat here?" She asked everyone, gently lowering herself on the chair, shifting so she was comfortable sitting on the strange memory foam pillow the doctor had given her. She smiled, seeing she could finally sit down, smiling at Mycroft, seeing she was going to be okay, seeing him sit across the table from her, his eyes on her. Shay looked over at him.

"I imagine this was a daily thing at one point." She said, hoping to make some sort of conversation.

"Here Alex why don't you sit by us, Mycroft is boring and my husband John is much more fascinating," Sherlock held the small little hand and guided her to the head of the table and with the pair on each side of her. Winking to John, they thoroughly began to entertain her with their crazy chase stories and elaborate cases they solved.

"Sherlock leave that out!" Mycroft warned when he began to elaborate on the trial of a murder who decapitated his victims and scooped out their brain.

"No fun My," the little brother pouted.

"As I was saying, dinner was rather formal I suppose in our household, only I thought we could um, celebrate lavishly being that the mission was a success... for the most part. Also I made sure that the cook made Alex, uh, kiddie food? Some simple things like pizza squares or pasta. Actually, what is her favorite dish? Dessert?" Mycroft gave a small wave to the girl who was laughing at John.

"Chicken fingers. She loves those, don't you sweet heart?" Shay noted, motioning to Alex. Alex of course was too busy laughing at John to notice her mother, John having tugged on one of her ribbons to make her laugh, Shay smiling at her daughter's happiness.

"You two are so good with children." She said, seeing that dinner was being served.

John smiled at Shay, by now pulling a coin out of Alex's ear. "It comes with having a son Alex's age. She likes the same things he does." John noted, Alex jumping up and down in her seat.

"Alex, please, you have to eat." Shay gently said, seeing that dinner was coming out. She turned to Mycroft. "You spoil us Mycroft. Thank you for everything. This is a lovely celebration for the mission being a success." She said, studying Mycroft's face, remembering that the poor man lost some of his men. She lifted her glass of wine that was just poured.

"Shall we toast to the mission?" She asked, John raising a glass as well.

"Here, Here," He responded.

"Here," Mycroft managed to smile when she did and Sherlock lifted his with enthusiasm, a little sloshing about.

"To the mission and a new friend for Hamish! It's going to be absolutely wonderful, John and I will try to visit you three as much as possible," Sherlock drained most of the glass and began to dig into the roasted chicken that was served.

"I apologize for him and his deductions, he is merely guessing and has no idea what he is talking about," Mycroft said quietly and began to fill his mouth with some string beans. Sherlock! Was he trying to tell Shay everything! Ruining his surprise or at least to entertain the idea of Shay and her child living with him in mansion. He had taken Shay's defense into account since they had talked, her promise to try to find a job or go to University or both. Also raise Alex in an environment where crime would be absent and values in place to raise her proper. Furthermore given everything that happened, Shay was committed to rescuing not just her daughter but as well as his brother and husband. Mycroft wondered if it was his threat that motivated her and concluded she was sincere once he went over the reports with John and Sherlock. If anything Moran and Moriarty could have trapped Watson- Holmes in the estate and then Shay would still be reunited with Alex, living the lavish style and taken care of without needing to worry about their future.

Shay struggled not to blush, knowing that Sherlock was alluding to them living together. And in essence it would be nice, the idea of living with Mycroft; romantic or not. She would find a job, hopefully be accepted to a university. Alex would go to school. She smiled at the thought of the three of them having dinner together as a family. And she blushed even more at the idea of sleeping at night with the men across the table from her, to have someone to go home to at night who supported her.

Maybe they would even marry some day and have children of their own, growing old together. This coming from the woman who treated every day like it was her last at one point. But she couldn't dream, especially when her own position was so up in the air right now. And it didn't do well to fanaticize. about what could be like a teenage girl.

"Sherlock, us three? I don't think Mycroft would hardly be a fan of supporting us forever. I mean, I plan on getting an honest job but it will take time." She said, trying to lighten the mood.

"I would not mind supporting you I mean-... I thought you might want to be on your own, been independent nearly all your life," Mycroft said quietly when the three children at the other end were distracted again, "As stated before, best to remain here where it is safe, I doubt Moriarty has dug this deep to know of this place's location and what goes on here."

"I just don't want to be a burden to you. After all, you've already done so much for us. As soon as I can, I'd like to pay you and your team back in some way." She pressed, trying to make eye contact with him. "I do like it here. I don't mind staying so long as I'm not bothering anyone. I know it must not be easy housing a woman like me and her child." She said gently, reaching over to cover his hand out. She knew she forgot herself from the moment she did that, blushing all the more. "I-I'm sorry."

In reaction he pulled his hand away quickly and regretted it immediately, the small hurt in her eyes was profound. Unsure what to do next, Mycroft forced his pulled hand to grasp the nearest roll and shifted in his seat.

"No, payment is not optional or possible. In terms of housing other guests it is absolutely fine, had an unfathomable amount of guests in this household from one time or another," Mycroft explained.

Shay smiled at him, trying not to seem hurt. "Well now, if this is the place Alex and I have to hide out, this is the perfect place to do it. I'm looking forward to be well enough to see the whole of the grounds." She said, taking a bite of her chicken. She let out a noise of appreciation. "This is such wonderful chicken. So flavorful. If we have to hide here eating this fare, then I hope we never have to leave," She joked, trying to lighten the mood, "I must ask what the secret is. Do you think the cook would teach me? I've never tried anything like this" She was babbling again, like a school girl. 'Stop it Shay' she thought to herself, putting a piece of bread in her mouth to shut herself up.

The rest of the dinner the group chatted away pleasantly, Mycroft softening up a little and most of this was due to the scotches he was enjoying when he finished with his wine. Slowly his formality dropped, anything Sherlock said was rather hilarious and he relaxed, trying to forget his confusion. A dessert tray had been rolled out for all, Mycroft refusing the cake so as to not satisfy Sherlock's teasing and choose a simply small bowl of vanilla ice cream.

"For your information Sherlock I did lose about twenty pounds where as you-"

"Skinny as a twig? John likes lean and mean. But he does force me to eat now and again," popping a bite sized biscuit in his mouth and swallowed it with some milk.

"Sherlock, stop it." John said gently.

Feeling the tension between the brothers, Shay finally spoke up.

"It's a wonder anyone could lose weight when you have a full service dinner. I believe I've gained three pounds just from this meal alone." She said, selecting a crème brulee, selecting a plate of biscuits to Alex, who was by now so full she was getting sleepy. Shay laughed at her daughter.

"Well, it seems someone will be out of the night soon." She stated, smiling at Mycroft, trying to reassure him.

"I need to think. Too stuffy in here. Come John!" Sherlock bolted out of his chair and yanked the army doctor from his chair, escorting him out to the gardens. But of course his brother would be pulling this off again, his schemes, and plans. Sighing, Mycroft pushed his chair out and carefully picked up Alex in his arms, one hand pressed to her back and her head lying on his shoulder. Remembering the practices of his Club, he toed off his shoes to guarantee quiet, Mycroft walked upstairs and into Shay's room, lying the child in bed. It was as if he was placing Hamish to bed, having done it a few times when Miss Hudson could not watch him for a night or weekend. Sometimes he read Hamish his favorite story to get him to sleep and was about to do the same for Alex though no books were around, Alex much asleep regardless. Instead, he resorted to the old habits when he had to go searching for Sherlock in the woods, having been out there for hours studying small animals, tucking him in bed. Back then Mycroft would sift his hand through Sherlock's hair and this time it was exactly the same, now the black curls straightened out into longer strands.

Shay watched this display with happiness at the doorway, leaning against it, warmed by seeing Mycroft showing so much care with Alex and with the fact she drank some wine. She took her shoes off, gently limping to Mycroft, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"You'd make a wonderful father someday Mycroft. You're so kind to us." She said.

For a moment though, she allowed herself to imagine what this could be like every night, putting Alex to bed together, going off to sit in the library and enjoy each other's time, her reading her textbooks, him writing letter to the government. This could possibly happen could it, being this happy every night with someone else. Was there really hope for her to be this happy?

"She's fine now. Let's go for a walk." She proposed.

"A-a- a walk? I estimate Sherlock is done with John outside with whatever they were up to, should not run into them again," Mycroft stood up with a slight waver and helped escort Shay, watching each other for balance, as they descended the staircase. Walking through the dining room and white French doors, it opened to the patio, a small fountain in the middle trickling in the quiet air.

The air was not cold, though Mycroft noticed Shay give in to a slight shiver so Mycroft shed his dinner coat and draped it over Shay. For awhile he told her about the estate's history, who lived there, when it was built, and when it was introduced to the Holmes family tree. Gardens, a small pool outback, the kitchens, bedrooms for guests and the owners.

"Should give you comfortable peace while you recover, hopefully soon."

Shay nodded, gripping the tuxedo jacket. "Thank you. You've really been too kind." She said, groping searching something else to say. The silence in the air was much too tense, "Mycroft, if I over-stepped my boundaries last night, I'm terribly sorry. Well, I'm sorry if I hurt you." She said, taking a deep breath, "But, I'll admit it. I'm not sorry it happened really." She stated, letting that hang in the air.

"No Shay it was not your fault, I blame Sherlock for that one and he forced us to do it..." which was a lie because there was more to it once he lifted that scarf over her eyes, "No you did not hurt me either, I do not blame you at all," he repeated and scratched the back of his neck.

Shay flexed her hands in front of her, suddenly cold. "My hands are freezing" She said to herself. suddenly needing to get close to him, "I'm so glad you feel that way. So, everything you said last night was true?" She asked, daring to look up at him.

"Which parts?" in the small swing of his arm his hand sifted through and past Shay's, making his hair slightly stand on end.

"I think you know what part." She answered, the ends of her hair stand on end as well. He was so close she could reach over and touch him but she dared not to.

"I- Shay I honestly am still trying to sort through with what happened last night and... I am not sure what happened... " Mycroft stammered and felt foolish when he could not answer such a simple question. True pain killers did make his head feel fuzzy though every sense, every second flashed in his mind clearly.

She stepped closer to him. "I'm sorry this situation is terrible awkward. My god, I feel like a school girl." She said, stepping so she was mere inches from him, smelling his cologne, bracing herself for whatever was coming next.

The hair follicles were completely straight and stood tall, Mycroft swallowing a small gulp. His eyes could not help but trail at the figure before him, the jacket hiding the slim green dress that showed off her best features, the opening along the back bloomed with her skin. The smooth shoulders and just general pale skin that covered her, practically perfect fingers and hands. Those hands leaned into his chest last night, same ones that wrapped around his neck when Shay tripped over the last stair, the same-

Mycroft's mouth was gently pressing against hers as he held one those same hands again, the other cradled the side of her face. Shay kissed him back eagerly, her free hand wrapping around to caress the back of his neck, the force of the kiss having her hold on to him for support. This felt so right, the two of them embraced like this. She just felt so relieved, touching him like this, a warmth spread along her entire body. She broke the kiss, her forehead against his as she chuckled.

"You really are a brilliant kisser you know" She said, reaching to kiss him again, her body pressed against his for warmth.

The more Mycroft allowed his happiness the more doubt grew in his mind. In vain he tried to push it to the back of his mind, keep the fear at bay, just wanting this moment and nothing else, just desiring Shay for this moment. It's jaws opened lustfully at that shining moment, nearing closer the longer they stood in their small infinite universe. Please no... with a snap it swallowed him whole.

"I am sorry I can't," his hands suddenly held Shay at arm's length and he tried to catch his breath a bit, a small bead of sweat breaking on his forehead.

Shay was startled by what happened, gasping in surprise. "M-Mycroft, what's wrong?" She asked, reaching over to wipe the sweat off his forehead, "Please, tell me what's wrong?" She gently caressed his cheek. "Please, tell me what's wrong? Let me help." She begged.

"Stop it! Just don't!" his hand hit hers away and Mycroft's body staggered away from her, taking a few steps back on the cobblestone path, "No. No. Leave it."

"But, why? What's wrong? Please, just tell me how to help you?" She asked, so confused at what was going on.

"I cannot give you what you want nor what you need Shay, so stop it! I cannot grant you that fairy tale ending, it would be impossible..."

"I don't want a bloody fairy tale. I can't give you that either. All I want is to be with you and it'll be hard. People will ask why and people will talk. But I don't care about them," She said, growing confidence with every word, "I don't want an ending. I want a beginning. With you."

"I do not have the faintest idea why because you understand my name is the Ice Man for a reason," Mycroft kept his distance from her and stuffed his hands in his pockets, "I am just incapable."

"And I'm known as the Red Devil. Do you see me putting babies on pitchforks? No. And you aren't the Ice Man all the time. Would you have helped me get my daughter if you were? Would you house us if you were? You are one of the kindest people I've ever met and you don't even know how kind you are. And that's why I feel this way about you, because you've been so kind to me. "And frankly, I've spent my life kicked around until someone could use me. And I'm sick of it," She said, attempting not to cry, tears spilling down her cheeks, "I want someone to be there for me, not to hut me, but just be there. And so far the only person who's done that in my life is you."

"And how long we known each other? A mere few days? Besides your platonic feelings for me are the result of guilt and a way of pavement for all that I had to do. I really do not understand people, I really do not. I know what they long for and easily place on that mask to give it to them, a lie. As you see," Mycroft's arms quickly held her as he placed his mouth near her ear.

"Shay, I want Alex to be ready for the bath earlier tonight, first day is tomorrow and we have to read to her. Darling go sit, hope classes were fine today, let me get you a cup." Letting go, Mycroft bit his lip and his tone changed from fatherly back to his bitterness, "All I do is tell or give people what they want to hear, my job and it comes easily. The main reason I accepted your case is because of Sherlock and his insistence."

Shay was standing there, shaking in anger at him, not able to believe what she was hearing. "So, everything you said to me, everything that said you cared, it was all a lie?" She hissed, reaching over to slap his face.

"Is that what you wanted the whole time? For me to hit you? Just to prove to Sherlock that his little social experiment was wrong? That his little project went wrong, just this once? I bet he's watching right now, isn't he?" She said, facing the forest.

"WELL SHERLOCK, YOUR EXPERIMENT FAILED! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" She screamed into the night. She looked at Mycroft, her heart breaking in two, "But really you enjoyed this, this playing with my emotions. And that's the worst part of people like you. You think you can just play with us 'lower' people just like that." She was disgusted just looking at him, begging internally for none of this to be true.

Please god, she begged internally. This is all just a bad dream isn't it? She had enough, limping inside the mansion, up the stairs, and to the bathroom near her bedroom. She closed the door, locking it tightly before she began sobbing, leaning against the door. She slid to the ground, just sobbing against the door, her makeup dripping down her face, Shay just not caring as she just broke down.

The Red Devil seemingly stormed off in a limp and Mycroft stared at his shoes for a moment, then followed her inside to the outside of the bathroom,

"So you imagine this fairy tale ending, or beginning or something is just going to happen? What Mummy's reading by the fire and Daddy at the desk bouncing a small child on one knee while filling out paperwork? Then forget it, never going to happen because I will not be there! The mission we conducted was used for my vacation days! Never around heeling at the government's word and with that, a target will constantly be painted on you and Alex's back.

"Should I ever have the free time would be a real miracle, so what difference would it make, still remain a single mother, now a single mother whose head probably already was a price on it Dead or Alive," Mycroft's mouth continued to spew out.

In her deep anger, Shay was reminded that she was a trained sniper, trained to kill if she wanted to. But it was still Mycroft, the man who was so kind to her when no one else was. She continued to ache, at this point her chest aching so much that she couldn't even utter noise out of her mouth. She couldn't take this, couldn't let this happen, her fist banging on the door where his voice was coming from to shock him away, the noise bouncing through the door with the force of it. She managed to get enough words to utter three words.

"Just...go...away" She croaked out, faced with the weight of what happened. Everyone in her life wanted her for something, everything. She had been used so many times in her life, from foster parents who just wanted a cute kid to entertain them at dinner, to Jim Moriarty who wanted someone to carry his heir. She spent her life being used then thrown away in that cycle. And here it was all over again, being used by someone she felt so much for then thrown away.

"You... you are not the only one that is sorry for losing the fairytale beginning," Mycroft said quietly through the door, unflinching when she struck it, out of expectation. Of course she would be angry, he felt the same. The bile that drizzled from his mouth tore at the fabrics of his being. He always knew what people wanted and just as equally what they needed.

"Please... just... go... away" She sobbed, by now curled up into a ball by the door. Her heart was ripping apart, the part of her that always said that people used her because she wasn't good enough rearing its ugly head. She heard it over and over in her head. 'You're a terrible mother, a terrible person" She thought to herself, just wallowing in so much pain.

Pulling out the Master Key from his pocket, Mycroft unlocked the door and kneeled on the floor to pull the ball into him.

"Do not say that..." hearing her mumble to herself, "Never. Ever. Say that." The whimpers he heard behind the door began to hurt him, Doubt tore his insides out and feeling empty as he was naturally, as many others from the past commented.

Feeling his arms around her only made this worse to her but she ran out of energy to speak, only weakly kicking at him to get him to get away from her. But she mentally cried out for his arms around her all the same, for someone to just stop this, for confirmation that this was all a bad bad dream.

"Stop," She managed to whimper out.

"I care too much which is why you cannot hold onto the fantasy because all I'll do is fail you," Mycroft finally said.

"H-How do I know you aren't lying about this too?" She croaked out, her arms itching to hold him but she couldn't. He had said it first, not her. And somehow in her heart of hearts, she knew he was telling the truth. Somehow he was telling the truth. She had to believe it. But how could she know he was telling the truth?

"Because I know you would hold onto this fantasy and hold onto me which is the lie because your blind faith will only be rewarded for the lonely nights that you'll have to endure and the extra seat at dinner and then the only outcome you might have is a partner assassinated in the street because he was the man who knew too much. So yes it is a lie," Mycroft replied and steadied himself against her.

"B-But who says we can't try though? We can try to be happy with the time we have. I'm as much of a risk as you." She said, her voice now totally hoarse. She reveled in the warmth of his body but she braced herself in case it might not be real. "I just want to be with you when we can be. I know the risks but I want them all the same." She croaked.

"And Alex... you still willing to put her life up to bet to?" Mycroft asked and released her, rising to his feet, "I think you might want to think this over very carefully Shay. Please, she's just a little girl, she's still young and untainted."

"She's in enough risk by being my daughter." Shay deadpanned, speaking to her worst fear as a mother, that the sins of the mother would carry on to Alex. Alex was already ripped from the only home she knew, thinking she was still on vacation.

"I've already ruined my daughter's life by giving birth to her. After all I've done, she's going to grow up and ask questions. She'll know her mother used to be a killer. And she'll hate me for it. I'm just enjoying the time my child actually likes me." She said, still curled up against the doorway. "See, you aren't the only one who can't give people what they deserve. I don't-I don't think I can come back from this. My daughter was used as Moriarty's pawn and so was I. Alex is already going to be hurt by that." She said, struggling not to cry again.

"Yes that is all inevitably true. Even if you two maintain the quiet life... it will not be easy... I shall leave you alone then, need your rest," he nodded and turned down the hall for his bedroom both escaping her and not feeling anything was accomplished, if anything he felt his words made everything worse. Shay was ever right to despise me, curse my name, and- a minor position in the British government and I cannot fix it. Bloody useless.

Shay struggled to get up. It wouldn't do well to go to bed looking like a crying mess, Shay drawing a bath for herself in the claw foot tub as she undressed, the green dress that made her look like a goddess falling to the ground. She stepped into the steaming water, lowering herself gently, her butt screaming in pain as she soaked in the water, trying to enjoy the time she had to herself for a moment, to be alone with her thoughts and with what to do about Mycroft. She went over every moment in her mind, what she could do and how this would affect her beautiful child, the child that she saw Jim in every time she looked at her.

The moment Alex was born was a moment of absolute pain for Shay, having been in labor for about sixteen hours without drugs and very little aid from Jim and Seb, Jim having watched the entire birth from a chair in the corner, yelling at her every once in a while to hurry up. When she heard a baby crying at last, she had passed out in exhaustion. She must have been sleeping for hours because when she woke up she was back in her bedroom, having been woken up by Alex's mewls for milk, the baby lying next to her the entire time. Shay had been shaking, holding her daughter in her arms, the baby immediately latching on to her nipple. And somehow, the child that she wanted to cut from her became the person she loved the most.

And now she had to decide what was best for Alex. And right now, she was damned if she did and damned if she didn't. She stepped out of the bathtub, limping to wrap herself up in a towel, brushing her hair out, wondering what she was going to do. When she fell asleep curled up against Alex, she dreamed of her birth mother. Well, what she imagined her birth mother was like. She always imagined her mother looked like Nicole Kidman which would explain the red hair, her logic from watching The hours one time when she was 13 and declaring to her foster parents that Nicole Kidman was her mother.

Any whom, her mother in this dream was braiding her hair, both of them talking about place settings, something mundane. She hadn't had dreams like this in years really. The last one they were washing dishes together.

"And do you know, my dear child, that you deserve to be happy?" Shay stopped, looking over at her mother, Nicole Kidman, who was pulling to her hair. "You deserve to be happy Shay. You've worked hard enough. Go after him" she said gently, hearing it over and over again as she looked at the mirror, her mother (Nicole Kidman) disappearing into a strange vapor.