10. Guilt

While it was a given that Jimmy was quite firmly head over heels for Pete, that was not the same as needing or wanting to spend every minute of his free time with him. He did still have other things to do, errands to run, and other people to hang out with.

"So it's going pretty well?" Zoe declared over the buzz of the razor. With the heat he'd decided his hair had gotten to the stage of being goddam sick of it again, so that made it haircut day. He'd been given an electric razor by the owner of the Edge in thanks for delivering a large drum of chemical waste from Blue Skies, which was apparently what they used for bleaching, and was coincidentally exactly the moment he stopped getting his hair done there. Zoe had since taken over the job, given he couldn't shave in a straight line to save his life and would just end up buzzing the lot. She was actually pretty good at it.

"Leave the top," he instructed as she buzzed hair off his temples in honey-coloured tufts. It was still roasting so he could do without a sunburned and peeling scalp, and not just because it'd kill any mood of romance. They were sitting out front of the dorm with the cable fed out of his window. Not so much cleanup that way. "And it seems to be." Against his better expectations and instincts.

"After all that bitching," she remarked, working the back next. "Hate to say 'I told you not to be such a pussy', buuut-"

"Yeah, yeah," he interrupted. "Not like it's been all smooth sailin' either." Zoe had helped, he wasn't going to deny that, but not all of her advice had worked terribly well at the starting line either.

"Well you know what they say," she jeered, fingers running through his hair as she smoothed it back and separated it off. Jimmy was somewhat more distracted by the sensation. He'd forgotten exactly how much he liked being touched... in general, by anyone, and felt a pull back towards Zoe as more than a friend. Knowing what kind of fun they could have (and had) together wasn't at all helpful.

"What?" he asked limply, swearing that he'd punch himself in the dick if anything happened down there. She was only giving him a haircut for god's sake.

"The course of true love never runs smooth, love hurts, all that kinda shit," she reeled off sceptically, and he snorted. "How's that?" she declared, dusting off the sides of his newly-shorn scalp with her hands.

"Can't see it, can I?" he declared tartly, getting up off the milk-crate-stool and shaking a light dusting of hair off his shoulders. "So how do I look?" he continued. He definitely felt a little cooler – in temperature if nothing else. Zoe packed back and put a finger to her lips in thought.

"You know, I think this could be a look for you," she remarked, and she wasn't one to bullshit him. When he was still shaving his head she would tell him quite concisely that he looked like a 'shaved ballsack' and that might have been one feature in his starting to grow it out. Not to mention, he wasn't exactly opposed to having it grabbed hold of in the heat of the (right) moment. Hair was a luxury could could afford if you did more fucking than fighting, which was thankfully his life now. Or had been.

"Yeah? You like it?" he asked with a smirk, and only when Zoe raised her eyebrows at him did he notice he was flirting. Trying to, at least.

"I thought you were a one boy man?" she remarked, and a guilty edge sliced out a chunk out of his pride.

"Yeah," he murmured, feeling exactly like a sleaze. That was half the problem right there in a nutshell. He didn't mind going slow, but other parts of him did. "I was just messin' around," he lied, smiling more wholesomely, less crudely, and the moment was behind them again.

He'd thought that maybe Pete wasn't out of bed yet, but it turned out he'd been the one sleeping in, as Pete approached the dorm not ten minutes later from the outside, dressed up in his full uniform with the Head Boy blazer and everything. In this heat.

"Well look who it is," Zoe chimed as Pete got within earshot. "What's up, squirt?" Jimmy didn't know or even want to know what the reason for that nickname was. The more you thought about it the grosser it sounded.

"Not much, just running errands," he answered, shifting off his blazer and slinging it over one shoulder. "You've both been busy." Somehow it felt like an accusation in Jimmy's ear, even though he knew that was just his own guilt stuck in there first.

"You like it?" he asked instead, running his fingers through the top. It felt good at least.

"It's uh..." he trailed off like there was something to say that just stepped out of reach. "Kinda edgy."

"Edgy?" he scoffed. "More than bein' a skinhead?"

"In a different way," he answered, and Jimmy wasn't sure what to make of that. Zoe held the clippers up, blowing some hair off the ends.

"Wanna go next?" she queried, and Pete's face clouded over the way storms blew in up here.

"I think I'll trust the barber," he answered, at which Jimmy scoffed.

"I wouldn't," he commented, and Pete tipped his head.

"Eh?" he murmured quizzically, but Jimmy was dusting himself off, appreciating the breeze over the newly-shorn parts of his head.

"Lets go for a walk," he declared instead of explaining. Zoe was watching him. "You know, a... uh, you and me kinda walk," he added awkwardly. He didn't want to make things any more uncomfortable by combining Pete and Zoe when he was getting wild shots of emotion screwing things up. If he just got Pete alone he'd sort things out again.

"Actually, I've got to get back to the office in a second," Pete replied, and Jimmy's face must have dropped enough for everyone to notice. "But I guess I can hold ten minutes," he amended, and Jimmy straightened his frown out and tried not to feel like a bully.

With Pete's Head Boy blazer hanging like regalia off his shoulder, he walked with Jimmy towards the gates. No chance of getting privacy unless you were off-grounds, and even there you better check every corner twice. Keeping gossip under wraps was about as easy as getting medication down Gary Smith had been. But with those days behind them, Jimmy had new problems to wrestle, and almost missed the times of just being able to threaten and beat obstacles out of the way.

"Is everything all right?" Pete asked, and with a glance over his shoulder to check they were all in the clear, he edged off the road into the bushes, urging Pete up towards the wall.

"Sure," he semi-lied, putting a hand on the brickwork and leaning in.

"Jimmy," Pete said like some kind of warning, pressing flat to the wall until there was nowhere else for him to back into as Jimmy crooned closer. "You feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," he purred, "I'll be great in a minute, though." His usual kind of line, but when he ducked in to kiss Pete he was cold and stiff. "What's wrong?" he said, retreating at once.

"Nothing, it's just... uh, sudden," he fumbled, looking like Jimmy was some kind of predator running him down. Jimmy dropped his arm from the wall and stepped back. This was one arena he didn't like to feel threatening in.

"Should I not?" he asked, worried for Pete's answer. There were days in which 'going slow' was a lot harder, and this was one of them. Especially when he knew he had other options. His heart hated his dick, or whatever poetic equivalent there was for that universal problem.

"It's okay," Pete said weakly, "... only maybe now's not the best time or place." His eyes were following cars and occasional cyclists, and Jimmy could appreciate the risk, but he also knew most townspeople didn't give a damn.

"Okay," he forced awkwardly, frustration running wires through him and making every movement feel wrong. "Sure."

"Jimmy?" this time his entreaty was more worried. "Is something wrong?" He was too smart for his own damn good, Jimmy knew. That was part of why he'd ended up liking him; clever without arrogance, always on the point.

"I guess there's... a thing," he remarked, wondering if he should really go there. He didn't want to blow it, but equally, it was worth trying. What was the worst that could happen?

"Yeah?" Pete invited at his hesitation.

"We didn't agree to be exclusive, right?" he blurted in an ungainly mess, and Pete was rarely caught in a moment of surprise, with no words or reaction beyond widened eyes. He was always expressionless at the times other people would show more feeling on their face.

"I... guess we didn't," he replied awkwardly. "Is there something-"

"No," Jimmy interrupted, quick to assuage those ideas. "Nothing's, I mean, it's not like I've done anything. I was just wondering."

In the back of his mind, Jimmy wondered if this was in his nature; as soon as he had someone in the hand, he wanted the bird in the bush. A constant rotation, even when he'd thought this one was going to be different.

"Is it because I didn't want to... just now," Pete offered, and Jimmy felt a lot like a scumbag. As if he couldn't keep it in his pants.

"No," he said as truthfully as he could manage. "Well, I mean, it's not unrelated." He wasn't going to lie about it, and he sure wouldn't be asking these questions if they were making out right now instead of 'talking'.

"Right," Pete remarked, crossing his arms, blazer hanging over his arms. "Look Jimmy," he started with a patient breath. "I know it isn't... well, I know I'm not exactly easy to..." he faltered again. "You don't have to wait for me," he explained at last.

"What?" Jimmy pressed. "That wasn't what I was saying."

"No, but maybe it's better to call it now," he cut in. "I can't just... expect you to wait for me while I work things out." Jimmy felt awful because surely that was what he was supposed to do. He'd thought he could manage this.

"It's all right," he insisted. "I mean, I get... frustrated, whatever. It's okay."

"Jimmy, I dunno if I'm ever gonna... well, what if I'm not gonna be what you want?" he questioned like he couldn't see it at all – see why anyone'd want him when they could have someone, even anyone, else.

"You are," he insisted, feeling dread chew away at him like he'd swallowed a rat. He'd meant to pull Pete away for a quick make-out session, and now they were dancing around breakup talk for a relationship that never even happened.

"But I'm not, though," Pete retorted, calm in his tone, posture locked down. "I'm not, yunno... like that." Perhaps he meant bi-, or sexually active, or simply a person who would've taken his initiation and made out for ten minutes then gone back to school content.

"C'mon, Pete," he said in a way that was too close for a plea, stirring his pride like a dormant thermal. "It's not like that. I'm not gonna force you."

"I'm not saying it won't ever be a thing," he negotiated. "But, if you're having, um... issues. Maybe it's best to just leave it for a while. We can still be frie-"

"Don't do this," he said, sounding crosser than he meant to. "I meant-"

"Just let me finish," Pete cut in like he'd just pulled a new razor out of his pocket. Jimmy was actually a bit shocked. "Us can still be... whatever, but it doesn't need to be 'exclusive' – like you said." He phrased it like this was what Jimmy wanted, but he had his doubts.

"So what does that make us?" he asked, realising he'd crossed his arms in reflection. Cut off from one another.

"Same as ever?" Pete suggested hopefully. "I'm better at being a friend than a... whatever." Boyfriend, he meant. Jimmy wasn't exactly boyfriend material either, so it should've been a good arrangement, yet it didn't feel right. Then again, he couldn't force Pete, and if this was his way of getting out, Jimmy wasn't going to steamroll him. Maybe it was for the best, he consoled himself.

"If you think so," he conceded, running a hand through his hair out of habit. "One for the road?" he posed cheekily, lifting an eyebrow.

"Jimmy," he bemoaned, and it wasn't half as enjoyable to hear him bleat his name any more. "I've gotta go," Pete excused, stepping out from the roadside and slipping his blazer back on. In the distance Jimmy saw a cluster of miserably grey clouds, and thought it very appropriate.

"See ya," he forced, waiting til Pete was gone before he turned and sat back against the wall. It felt like his fault, and he was content to sit with the blame and bask in it. He figured Zoe would come looking for him, but right now, he didn't want to have to explain anything. Like how he'd spoken too honestly and come on too strong and scared off the first guy he'd honest-to-god liked in a long time.

So he got up and went for a long walk.

Another 'shorter' chapter but I like shorter ones. Sometimes it's nice being able to read a chapter in 10 mins rather than half an hour. Sorry (not sorry) that all the troubles aren't over for our boys yet ;) If you like, leave a review! (I get so lonely).