Spoilers here and there for Frozen
"Your Aunt Elsa" will have new chapters soon enough. But first, I wanted to pay tribute to Elsa by showing for all her fear, she really has more love, warmth and compassion – and even courage and bravery in her own way – than even Anna does. After Let It Go, the movie technically didn't give her the kind of courageous moments Anna got at the end – no matter how much she deserved them - so I wanted Elsa to fully realize who she really is here.
After the great freeze, Elsa thought she could watch Anna get excited for hours, now that she could actually watch her again. Yet a month later, just two minutes of Anna retelling the servants about her adventures on…..that day, was more than she could take.
Another example of how weak she really was. Unlike her. And unlike the mountain man Elsa found in the courtyard.
"So you escaped Anna's captive audience?" Kristoff questioned. "Guess the story loses its impact after the 20'th time. And after you lived through it and all."
"That's not it," Elsa mumbled, figuring Kristoff wasn't a guy who'd push for more. He wouldn't have been a month ago. But this was one case where it was unfortunate that this wasn't a month ago.
"Hold on, I'm getting better at guessing feelings. In humans, anyway," Kristoff claimed. "You're feeling….tired!"
"No," Elsa shut down.
"Okay, I knew I wouldn't get it the first time. Um….you're busy! No, that's not an emotion!" Kristoff corrected himself. "Sorry, Sven's better at this than me. And Anna's such an open book, I get her right by default! You're a tougher ice box to crack!"
"Thanks," Elsa tried to deflect.
"Hold on, I can get this," Kristoff insisted. "You're….embarrassed. Angry. Guilty. Humiliated. Bashful. Happy. Grumpy. Dopey. Sneezy. No, wait, why would you get a cold? Get your head in the game, Kristoff!"
As Kristoff got desperate to get it right, Elsa got more desperate to just leave. But another form of desperation took over – one dying to let out a truth she knew for years. A truth she would never be able to escape. One that Kristoff probably wouldn't guess on his own.
"Prideful. Gassy. Snobby. Vengeful. Goofy!" Kristoff kept getting further off, until Elsa couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm JEALOUS!" Elsa let out, accompanied by snow that slammed into Kristoff's face.
"Oh….I was gonna guess that five guesses ago. Really," he claimed as he wiped his face clean.
"No you weren't!" Elsa saw straight through. "You should have! I mean… you heard her! You did all those things with her! You were both so stupid, foolish, naïve and so, so…."
"Is it anything from my first 10 guesses? Just to narrow it down?" Kristoff asked.
"Brave," Elsa suddenly deflated. "Anna's so….thoughtless sometimes. But she is….she always will be….the bravest person I've ever known. And I….I don't have a shred of courage in me. I never have. I knew that before she rubbed it in my face, then and now."
"Oh," Kristoff took in. "I really was way off."
"I'm not," Elsa went on. "Everything I've done for 13 years has been out of fear. Even when I let it go, I was just too afraid to face….what I am. I mean….to the very end, I was ready to leave and never see Anna again! If Hans never tried to kill me out there, I'd still be hiding today!"
"And Anna would be dead," Kristoff reminded her.
"Because I was too scared to leave the palace with you two," Elsa reminded back. "Then when they attacked….Hans saved me from being a monster! Not me, him! That still doesn't make any sense now."
"I guess he thought you'd be easier to kill later. If you weren't a monster," Kristoff guessed.
"Oh, that you guess right," Elsa spouted. However, she did look apologetic when she heard her own sarcasm. "Sorry. Still, the point stands. You and Anna are so courageous…..and even Hans has more bravery in his big toe than me."
"That's not true. His toes can't be that big," Kristoff tried jokes and Hans bashing to lift Elsa up. Even that last tried and true method wasn't enough.
"If the rest of it wasn't true, I'd be telling this to Anna right now," Elsa reflected. "Instead, I'm talking to the one guy who's spent less time with humans than I have. Just because it's safer than talking to her. And because you know you'll get more than snow on your face if you tell her."
"Well, now I do! Thanks for those new nightmares!" Kristoff cringed, which still didn't make Elsa feel better.
"See, there I go, using fear. That's all I am! Even if they don't fear me….fear's still all I know," Elsa admitted. "I was so afraid, I let the person I love most suffer for 13 years. I hid away from the world and told myself I was a monster before they could. I never even considered love would thaw until Anna did! She did everything that day and I did nothing but run!"
Kristoff had no joke or reassuring words for that, so Elsa continued, "You might as well know this, if you're going to date my sister. Maybe she'll understand more if you tell her."
"Tell her what?" Kristoff questioned.
"You don't need to be afraid of me. Because all I am, all I've ever been….is nothing but a coward. Just once, I wish there was a time where that wasn't true. But that's never not been true," Elsa confessed.
It was the first time she confessed it to another living soul – and about the thousandth time she told this to herself. As usual, it stuck with her. Kristoff wasn't as easy, though.
"Your Highness….Elsa," Kristoff actually remembered this time. "You're not hiding from the world anymore. That's gotta mean you're getting braver, right?"
"I didn't do a single thing to get that brave. You and Anna did everything that day," Elsa repeated. "I'm not locking myself back in. But I know that doesn't make me any braver or stronger. After everything I was too scared to stop….nothing can."
Thinking ahead, Elsa warned, "And when you tell Anna, don't let her talk you into setting up some fake crisis for me. If anything, you can do that."
"I didn't….why would you think she'd do that?" Kristoff questioned, although even he knew that was a dumb question by now.
"I don't know Anna like I should. That's the price of my cowardice. But I still know her a little," Elsa assured her. "Not as well as I know myself, unfortunately." Elsa sighed, feeling like she met her quota of talking to other people – if not her quota of self loathing.
"Thank you for listening, Kristoff," she said genuinely. "Once again, you've done more to help someone than I ever have. Just keep doing it for Anna and she'll be fine. She should be able to love one brave person."
Kristoff stammered over her implication of love, which gave Elsa enough time to sneak away. As per usual when something got too hard for her. All too fitting, really.
Just as it was all too fitting that Kristoff heard a ruckus and a familiar groan behind the bushes.
"You did hear her say not to make up a fake crisis, right?" Kristoff asked, seemingly to no one. Of course, he knew better – and Anna emerged to confirm it moments later.
"But if we tricked her into making more Marshmallows….and we taught them to act…." Anna trailed off. "Yeah, Olaf would be too much of a class clown for them."
Anna sighed, feeling useless and helpless – as if Elsa was still locked behind a door. But without crazy antics and relentless bugging, what could Anna do to make her stop believing….that stuff? What could she even say?
Was there even anything to say?
The one time Anna cut a story short, and this was what she stumbled into.
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Both Elsa and Anna were too lost in their own heads the rest of the day. However, they were scheduled to walk through the town the next day. Due to Elsa's duty and Anna's love of being around people, they couldn't postpone it.
Still, both of them were mostly silent as they headed out – even Anna. Elsa was too nervous around her, and nervous about being nervous in general, to notice. For her part, Anna was her usual awkward self, but for reasons that felt more depressing than usual.
Nevertheless, when they got to the town, Anna did a better job of putting on a happy face. By the time they got to the local park, she hid enough of her concern to enjoy herself. Especially when they encountered a swarm of kids on the open grass.
Yet while Anna was at ease talking to them, they really wanted to see Elsa. Or at least ask her to do the magic. This made Anna nervous again, although it was nothing compared to Elsa.
She had made a whole rink for the entire town without flinching a month ago. But she was carried away after finally getting Anna and her freedom back. Now that Elsa had time to think, time to feel pressured by all the questions about her magic, and time to fear that she could hurt these kids, it was a different story.
As they kept asking her to do the magic, Elsa was severely tempted to let Anna take over. This was her element and always would be. Fear and cautiousness were Elsa's specialty – no open door could change that. To think that it could….
As usual, Elsa was ready to take the easy way out. She gathered her little strength to think of a diplomatic way to let them down. Of course, it'd be better to ignore Anna and any pouts of hers too. Make it easier and all.
So Elsa made herself look at the children before disappointing them – although she was probably saving them. Yet her eye soon wandered, but not out of nerves. Well, maybe not.
There were about a dozen kids surrounding Anna and Elsa. But there was one standing all by himself under a tree. A little brunette boy, no more than five or six, it looked like.
He looked over for a moment, then looked away – not out of fear or nerves, it looked like. Elsa knew how those looks looked. This looked more like he was just shy.
Shy enough to not want to meet the Queen and Princess of Arendelle – but not for the reasons Elsa figured. At least, she didn't think so.
At that moment, Elsa wasn't nervous about the mob of kids, or Anna. She wasn't even thinking about them. Or anything else that plagued her mind in the last 24 hours. There was just one thing on her mind, and it actually made her go forward.
"Excuse me, please," Elsa managed to say to the other children. They made room as she walked past them, yet she thought she heard surprised noises behind her. She even thought she heard sounds of mockery – sounds that weren't about her.
Elsa felt something tighten inside her when that sank in. This tight feeling wasn't new, though.
What was new was Elsa going forward anyway. At least until she reached the little boy. "Hello," she said cautiously but warmly when she got there, bending down to meet the boy at eye level.
The boy gasped at seeing the queen, but he didn't run away. He just stayed in place and stammered for a bit, "Hello, your maj….I mean, your high….I mean, Queen!" he settled on.
"It's all right. Elsa will do fine," she assured her, surprising him and herself. However, she didn't want to overanalyze it and lose whatever momentum she had. "What's your name?" she went on with.
"Triton," the boy answered, a little louder than before.
"That's a very fancy name. Believe me, I know my share," Elsa shared, which made the boy lift his head up higher. Feeling bold, Elsa decided to ask, "Why aren't you with your friends?"
Triton lowered his head again, making Elsa feel foolish. As she was about to backtrack, however, he said, "I don't know if I wanna say. You'll laugh at me."
"Oh….oh, of course not," Elsa softened. "If you don't want to talk, I understand. But I would never laugh at someone for sharing. I'm the last person to judge about that." Instead of feeling shame about her lack of sharing, Elsa saw another way to use it.
"You know, I'm very good at keeping secrets. Especially on really big things," Elsa stated, making a few little flurries fly from her hand as added proof. Triton nodded, as Elsa saw a hint of a smile when she showed her power. "If you want to tell me a secret, I promise I won't tell a soul. Not even the princess."
Triton looked over, as Elsa briefly wondered if she should too, or else risk losing her nerve. Yet he soon looked back at Elsa and had her strict attention. "It's not really a secret. It's just that they're not my friends. I don't really got any friends."
"What?" Elsa frowned. "Why not?"
"I kinda stay in my room all the time. Not cause I got powers or anything," Triton clarified. "I'm not good at talking to them when I come out."
"You're talking to me just fine," Elsa assured.
"I have to, you're the Queen," Triton reminded her. "I can't make friends with them. They think I'm weird. I mean, I am weird."
"I know weird, trust me," Elsa shared honestly. "You're completely normal compared to that. In fact, you seem normal compared to anything."
"They don't think so," Triton responded. "I don't play with them much. I just stay out by myself till I gotta go home. I like reading and playing with toys and making things up there. I'm just not good with other kids here."
Although Elsa swore to keep a secret, she probably gave something away when she looked back and frowned at the kids. She had a softer face when she turned to Triton, though. "Do they ever ask you to play with them?" she asked.
"Once or twice. Not lately," he answered.
"But if someone wanted you to play with them, would you do it? Even if you're shy?" Elsa inquired.
"I guess…." Triton answered curiously. Before Elsa knew it, her mind was made up then and there.
Getting up on her feet, she turned back to Anna and the kids, announcing, "You know what? I think I have time for a quick snowball war." The kids and Anna cheered, although the kids stopped when Elsa added, "As long as Triton is on my team."
"But he's weird!" one older boy said out loud, before remembering who else he said it to. Elsa's deep, intimidating frown reminded him and everyone else, though.
"Then you can be on Anna's team," Elsa laid down the law. Anna wasn't that thrilled about it herself, but she knew better than to argue.
Elsa snapped out of it, realizing if she intimidated them into liking Triton, it would probably backfire. She turned back to him, although he looked more in awe than before. Maybe because no one stuck up for him like that before. But if Elsa assumed that, she'd probably go back to intimidation.
"All right, he's not on our team. Who would you like?" Elsa asked. "I'm sure a few of them weren't really mean to you. Tell me who they are and we'll bring them over."
"We? You and me?" Triton wondered, his disbelief making Elsa's heart twinge.
"Of course," Elsa offered – going so far as to offer him her hand. Her bare hand. Her bare hand that could freeze a child, or anyone else.
The reminder made Elsa's hand twitch, tempting her to pull it back. However, one look at Triton made her hand stay perfectly still.
This was something he probably never dreamed of. Maybe something he didn't think he was worthy of. Well, a good queen – a good person, really – never let her subjects feel less than worthy.
Triton slowly offered his hand, and Elsa took it with no hesitation. While she felt a pinch of nerves at this rare, potentially dangerous contact, Triton actually giggled. Giggled at the cold Elsa feared for so long. Giggled at being touched by her.
Elsa didn't giggle, not out loud. But it felt like her insides did as she led him over to pick their team.
Sometime later, Elsa had buried a good deal of the park in snow, with two walls of snow facing each other. Anna and her team were behind the left wall, throwing snowballs at the members of Elsa's team that dared to stick their heads out.
Elsa and Triton weren't among them, however, as Elsa was busy making snowballs by hand. One of their teammates came back down with his face drenched in snow, pleading, "Can't you make magic snowballs and bury them? Please?"
"I told you this is a magic free fight. We want to be fair," Elsa insisted, with a bit of thin patience. "Sometimes that's more important than winning. Or other things. Besides, we can win fair and square without magic."
"How?" Triton spoke up.
"I've got just the right snowballs for the job. And I didn't need magic for them," Elsa explained, holding up one of them. She then took a few and flung them at the opposing wall, easily hitting Anna's foolish teammates when they exposed themselves.
"Oh, you got lucky!" Anna called out, smart enough to stay behind the wall. Elsa's teammates were more impressed, since they were less used to this.
"Wow! Are you sure that wasn't magic?" one of the little girls double checked.
"I'm quite sure. It's not that hard, really. I can show you," Elsa assured. However, she would start off with Triton. "Just hold the line until I finish the next batch."
The other kids didn't look happy, but they got the message about voicing their objection to the queen by now. So they regrouped while Elsa focused on Triton, showing him how she gathered up snow.
"See how I use my hands to roll it up?" Elsa demonstrated. "Then I use my left fingers like this, and my right like this," she went on. "I roll it around with my palms a few times, tap my fingers like so, get them nice and smooth….and that's about it," she finished, holding up a perfect snowball without magic.
"Wow," Triton voiced. "How'd you know all that?"
"13 years of practice in my room," Elsa admitted.
Before she could stop herself, she continued, "It was one of the few productive things to do in there. I thought if I practiced making these myself…..do one thing without my powers….I could learn to do more things without them. Then I wouldn't need them. Then….maybe I could throw these perfect snowballs at my sister. But it didn't work that way."
Elsa was once again amazed she was admitting this stuff to a stranger. Admit anything to anyone, really. Except Anna. Just before that guilt consumed her again, Triton chimed, "You can throw them now."
It was the simplest and most obvious thing to say. There was no way Elsa could forget it anyway. But hearing it now, from a shy outsider at that, gave Elsa a tiny boost. Especially when he asked next, "Can I help?"
"Yes, of course," Elsa broke into a smile. "That's why we're here." Once she finally noticed the others getting pelted again, she realized, "From the looks of it, we'd better hurry."
Elsa made her perfect snowballs, giving some to the others and throwing the rest herself. Of course, her aim was better than the others, so she taught Triton her knowledge of how to aim, point and fire. She also helped him make his own snowballs, with the same techniques Elsa taught him.
Before long, Elsa saw that Triton was indeed a fast learner. While he wasn't experienced in actual play time and socializing, he was good at following instructions. When they talked about something he could follow along with and had passion about, it was like he was another person.
Ultimately, Triton made a solid series of snowballs – he just didn't aim them perfectly. However, Elsa settled him down and went over the right procedure, trusting him to absorb them. Finally, Triton took his last snowball, waited for Anna to pop her head out, and aimed it straight at her.
His grip was perfect, his weapon was round enough, and he knew just the right amount of arm strength to use. When he used it, Anna was hit directly in the face, by someone who wasn't Elsa for the first time today.
"I got her!" Triton cheered. His other teammates were stunned, but Elsa let out a cheer as pure as any Anna had ever heard. At least Triton didn't get too much snow in Anna's ears.
"All right! Do you think you could teach them like I taught you?" Elsa asked him.
"I….I guess I could try," Triton agreed, now that there was something he could do with them.
"Perfect! You get them ready, and I'll hold them off to buy time," Elsa strategized. Anna heard every word, each one filling her with dread.
"They're learning…." Anna voiced, knowing they'd all be snowball masters within minutes, if nothing was done. "Guys, we gotta finish them now!"
Yet now that Anna was too worried to think clearly – as if she thought clearly that much before – her battle plan grew more and more flawed. Elsa easily kept them pinned at their fort, giving Triton time to show the others what Elsa taught her. By the time they were ready to charge, Anna knew deep down all was lost.
Still, Anna's stubbornness kept them from retreating – which they all barely lived to regret.
When the dust settled and Anna stopped pouting, the two teams did manage to unite. Elsa taught everyone else her snowball making techniques, and Triton even gave it a shot as well. As it turned out, they didn't need magic to have fun in the snow, even in summer and even with Elsa.
Of course when it was time to go, Elsa put on a big show in lifting the snow up. All the kids were wowed as she formed her latest giant snowflake in the air – and they were all standing together.
By then, Anna was over Elsa's total cheating, and how her strategy would have totally worked if her teammates had listened. Still, she said a proper and heartfelt goodbye to everyone – though it was nothing compared to Triton's goodbye to Elsa.
Anna's jaw all but dropped as he hugged her, and Elsa hugged right back. Without trembling or hesitating once. Something Anna never saw Elsa do with someone other than her – in those few times this past month.
When Anna reviewed this whole day in her head, as well as the last one, it all began to click. Everything made total sense to her now. And it wouldn't take much to show Elsa too.
She just needed to phrase it the right way when they got home. For someone who rarely thought before she spoke, that wasn't entirely promising.
Nevertheless, she would be brave and keep quiet until she had it right. Be as brave as Elsa.
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By the time Anna was ready, they were back in the castle and Elsa was working in her study. She came up to her door and knocked her usual knock – and as usual in this last month, Elsa said "Come in." Anna wondered when she would ever really get used to that again.
Regardless, Anna made her way in, where Elsa was sitting at her desk and reading her fancy queen papers. "Is there something you need?" Elsa looked up to ask, as if nothing actually happened today.
But Anna knew better, which is why she kept smiling a sneaky, knowing grin. Elsa was more used to a bubbly, out of control smile from her – or at least she was getting used to it again – so this puzzled her for a few reasons.
"I know what happened today," Anna bragged. "I know what you did."
"I exposed your inability to plan, mostly," Elsa figured.
"You didn't want to. You didn't want to talk to any of those kids," Anna recalled. "Until you saw that one lonely kid. Then you weren't scared anymore."
Elsa frowned at her use of the word "scared," wondering if she needed to cover Kristoff's face again. "Don't worry, I didn't pay of them to pretend for you. If I was setting up a fake crisis, there'd be a lot more giant snowmen," Anna assured her.
This didn't assure Elsa that much, so Anna got to the point. "That kid was shy and lonely for real. And you reached out to him. You got him to have fun and make friends, and you made some too. I know that's hard for you….but you did it because you wanted to help him. You faced your fear so someone else could be happy."
Barely giving Elsa time to answer, Anna kept smiling knowingly and added, "I'd call that pretty brave myself. If it was new for you. Truth is, you've been that brave your whole life, so it's no big deal."
"Who exactly are you talking about?" Elsa finally spoke up. "If you….know what I was thinking yesterday, then you know that isn't me."
"For once, I think I know more than you," Anna said confidently.
"You always think you do. And how does that usually work?" Elsa retorted.
"This time it's different! This time I know what I'm talking about! You know it too, I know you do!" Anna insisted.
"Anna, all I've ever known is how to hide and run away. You know that better than anyone," Elsa recounted. "I made you miserable and alone because of it."
"That's not what you wanted. All you wanted was to protect me. You told me over and over this month, remember?" Anna knew she did. "You were miserable and alone, but you cared more about my safety than yours. You could have broken out at any time and cared more about you feeling better, but you didn't."
"Because I was scared," Elsa kept believing.
"Because you were strong!" Anna answered back. "Because you loved me so much! Because you love everything so much! Because you'd do anything to save and help people you love! Even people you don't know!"
"Except play with them and help them deal with dead parents," Elsa responded bitterly.
"Okay, maybe that part needed work," Anna conceded. "But I always thought you stopped loving me. I know different now. I know that so much now. That's the point! Love will thaw, remember?"
"It took me long enough to," Elsa said.
"No, it didn't," Anna smiled. "You didn't just discover all that love that day. I think you had it all along. I think you've had it since you were eight years old. If…..some people reminded you back then, everything would have been different."
"It wasn't just them. I was too afraid to see it too, even then," Elsa kept fighting it.
"Why were you so afraid? Because you didn't want to hurt me. You didn't want to hurt anyone," Anna reminded.
"I didn't want to be a monster!" Elsa snapped.
"Why not? It would have been easier!" Anna snapped back. "You wouldn't have to worry about what other people thought. You wouldn't have to conceal anything. You wouldn't have family or a sister to drag your magic down. I'll bet if you just did whatever you wanted, you would have had fun once in a while!"
"I couldn't! I never wanted any of that!" Elsa insisted.
"Even if it meant not being afraid anymore?" Anna questioned.
"It wasn't worth hurting you! Or anyone!" Elsa argued.
"Exactly!" Anna smirked triumphantly. "You'd take being afraid any day over hurting anyone! Over being anyone other than a good person! That's not fear talking! That's love! Love you've had your entire life! Love you were so brave enough to keep every day on your own!"
Now that Elsa wasn't able to argue at the moment, Anna kept pushing forward. "I keep going over everything from that day, you know. You know the part I really can't forget? When you said hi to me. When you said I looked beautiful. When you hadn't seen me in years….and you still had so much love in your eyes. I should have figured it out then, but…."
Anna scoffed a bit at her own ignorance. "You know, I'm a lot more selfish than I give myself credit for. All I thought about was my happiness. Me not having anyone. Me getting married. Me, me, me. But you…..all you ever thought about was me. About Arendelle. About protecting the innocent, the only way they told you you could. That kept you from being a monster. That's real courage."
"No it's not. It can't be…..that was just fear," Elsa told Anna, if not just herself.
"Well, whatever it was, it should have made you angry. After everything you went through, you had every right to hate everything. I'll bet I would have," Anna predicted.
Before Elsa could object to that or anything else, Anna reminded, "But you didn't. You looked at me then like you still loved me. Because you did. I know that now. Anyone else would have forgot it and hated it, but not you. Because you faced your fear every single day, and never stopped being the selfless, caring person you've always been. Even if no one else knew it until now."
"I'm not…." Elsa tried to say. She did finally get out, "That's not me. No one who did what I did to you is that good…."
"Someone who always puts other people's safety before her is," Anna came right back. "Someone who'd rather fight fear and love people than ever hurt them on purpose is. And someone who'd ignore how nervous she is to help another nervous, lonely person feel special….well, I think she's pretty cool. But she couldn't do any of that if she wasn't really brave too."
Anna went to kneel down next to Elsa's chair, hoping with all her might she was getting through to her. Hoping she could make this courageous, loving woman see who she really was all along. Just as she helped Anna see who Elsa really was, without even knowing it.
"Everyone thinks I'm the bravest, most loving person here. That's not true," Anna guaranteed. "And everyone sees you as a queen, or as magical, or even a sister. But now that I really know you….when I think about you as just a person….who you really are as a person…..then Elsa…." Anna laughed and almost teared up before she could share this important part.
"Elsa, I am so proud of you."
No matter how this choice of words sounded, it was undeniably true. Elsa was frozen solid.
She couldn't move, she couldn't think, and she could barely take all of it in. Anna had babbled so much in their brief time together – just not like this. Not in a way that made her feel this….this….
Whatever it was, it wasn't something she'd ever let herself feel before.
While most of her body couldn't move, her eyelids were moving pretty fast. They had to, in order to blink out her silent tears. Otherwise, she was staring straight ahead, almost like she was in space, as the rest of her stayed still on the chair.
"Elsa?" Anna asked cautiously, trying to figure out what she did wrong. It sounded like she said everything right - especially since it was all true. So what if she never thought it was?
"Oh, Elsa…." Anna realized. "No one ever said that to you….did they?" With an even heavier heart, she dared to ask, "Did Mom and Dad?"
At last, Elsa found her voice – barely – to answer, "I don't remember."
When Anna squeaked and began to frown, Elsa clarified, "I'm sure they did. I just don't remember the last time."
That led her down the rabbit hole to realize, "I don't think I ever thought I was….someone people could be proud of. That I could make anyone happy just by being me. How could I? Especially…." she hesitated, but finally shared, "Especially when I just sat there…..whenever you cried at my door."
"You heard that?" Anna gasped. "Oh jeez, what did I tell you? I just made it worse for you by being selfish! That's not who you are!"
Now Anna was fighting tears, and fighting other impulses. She just wanted to hug Elsa forever and give her all the love in the world. But she didn't know how to accept that yet – how could she? All that unfamiliar affection would do is push her away more.
Anna would not make her more uncomfortable – not anymore. Now that she knew everything, there was no excuse. Maybe she needed to conceal for once.
Of course, she was nowhere near doing it now. Elsa could see everything in Anna – how much she wanted to hug her, how scared she was that it'd go too far, and how she was fighting it off just for her. Because she loved her.
Because she was worth it to Anna. Like those kids thought she was worth playing with, even without magic. Like Triton thought she was worth coming out of his shell for.
Elsa made them think she was worthy of all that. Without even trying. Without any fear – or maybe even with it. Yet she did it anyway. If she could have done that all along….
…..it wasn't enough.
"Actually, I think I am that selfish…." Elsa said, awe in her own voice now.
She sat back while Anna stayed on her knees, nervous at whatever Elsa would say. What she turned out to say was, "I thought all I had to give people was fear. But you're proud of me….Triton found friends because of me….the people are starting to trust me! I don't know what to do with any of that. I don't know how. But…I want more."
Elsa stood up on her own two feet, with Anna following moments later. "I'm tired of people being afraid of me. Of thinking they'll be afraid. I don't want that, I've never wanted it! All I've ever wanted….was to be seen the way you and Triton saw me today. I know that's more selfish than brave. But I still want it. I'd….I'd do anything for it."
"That's good, you should have it! And you're gonna!" Anna encouraged. "That's how brave you are! It's not about climbing mountains of death, or building palaces, or punching two-faced psychos! No matter how much fun that is! Having courage is as simple as being a good, kind, amazing person! You show me that every day!"
"I….I don't know if I'd call that brave. Not yet," Elsa conceded.
"I said it was courage. But if that's your only problem, then we're good," Anna offered.
"We are good. At least I want to be," Elsa admitted. "If I've had all that love in me this whole time…..I owe it to you, our people, and even me to let it out. Even if it scares me. If that's what comes out of it, it's much better than the alternative! I should know!"
"You don't have to know anymore," Anna promised. "Heck, sooner or later you won't need me to see it."
"Anna, I will always need you," Elsa confessed. "That's probably selfish too. But if you could be proud of me….then I can't give that up. I never want to give it up again. I never wanted to lose it at all. So….I can't care about what it'll take to keep it anymore. Simple as that."
Elsa's lips finally curled into a smile, as one last epiphany closed this out. "It's as simple as….giving you something I wanted to give for 13 years. And I don't mean a snowman. Well, that and….something else to show you weren't alone."
Elsa never let herself hug anyone in 13 years. She was still getting used to hugging Anna now, and feeling safe that it wouldn't freeze her again. That fear would never go away, no matter how much smaller it got now.
It didn't mean she didn't want to hug her. It never did. It manifested itself in Olaf, and now it was being shown in this. In giving Anna the kind of hug she wanted to give every day for 13 years.
The hug she wanted to give Anna when she camped at the door. When she asked for a snowman. When she said she hated Elsa, then apologized right away. When she said it and didn't apologize till a day later – then two or three.
Then there was the hug she wanted to give her after Mom and Dad…..didn't come home.
When Elsa fought through her nerves to give her that huge embrace, they both let out a quick sob. But they stayed quiet and didn't break the mood after that. Not that a quiet tear or two didn't run down their cheeks.
Yet Elsa kept Anna in her arms. No matter what else she felt, she wouldn't let go until Anna felt everything else. Everything she seemed to know that Elsa had, well before Elsa knew it.
If that was courage…..if wanting more of this, from Anna and everyone else, was being brave….if wanting nothing more than to be worthy of this – something she wanted to be all her life - was more powerful than fear….
When Elsa put it like that….then maybe fighting to stay that way wouldn't be so terrifying.
THE END