They Cut Like A Knife:
Toni followed the taillights of the Impala from the Reporter's house to back to their motel with a little bit of bit of a lead foot. She nearly rear-ended Dean's car when he had to abruptly stopped for a jogger that didn't look or care to check for traffic before continuing through the intersection, so she finally relented and backed off slightly. Once they were back on their way, she cursed out-loud under her breath at the black muscle car because she couldn't figure out why Dean was driving so slowly when Sam was so severely injured. (For the record, Dean was by no means going the posted speed limit; he just backed off from going 30 miles per hour over the limit like Toni kept attempting to do.)
Once they finally made it back to the fairly vacant parking lot, Toni practically abandoned her truck without cutting the engine to run over to the muscle car to help Dean with Sam. Dean was just putting the car into park and was turning the engine off when she grabbed for the rear driver's side door handle. By the time Dean had gotten out of the car, Toni had crawled into the backseat and was doing her best to check Sam's vital signs.
They then struggled slightly with Sam's dead weight, but somehow they did manage to get his large, muscular frame out of the backseat. Dean tried to shoulder the majority of Sam's weight and did so easily because of his somewhat considerable height advantage over Toni.
"Dean… I have a medic's bag in my room… It's filled with the same supplies my brothers used in… In the Army," she announced with a grunt as she held Sam stand upright so that Dean could open the Winchesters' room door.
Dean held off from replying until he had reclaimed his brother from the petite brunette. "Really? That's great because I think I left our First Aid kit out in the Impala. Thanks Toni."
Plus that'll give me a chance to call Cas down here, he thought to himself.
Once Dean was safely in his room with Sam, Toni literally ran to her room and riffled through her largest piece of luggage until she found the black, aged leather bag that she sought. She had already liberated Sam's key from his pocket while she helped Dean carry Sam to their rooms she quietly let herself into their room once she got back there.
Before she could turn around after securing the lock on the door, she heard the same deep voice that she had heard earlier that day saying, "You're right. He looks terrible." Toni pivoted to look at the three males and the man in the trench coat faced Dean asking, "You did this?"
Dean! But he said that it was… What the…? Toni thought to herself.
Since none of the men had acknowledged her presence, Toni remained silent and sat down on the floor. Fine! If Dean won't tell me what's really happening then I'll just sit here and listen to everything for myself then, she thought to herself defiantly.
'Trenchcoatman' (as Toni dubbed him in her mind) started asking Sam a bunch of questions while checking his pupils at the same time. As Toni heard each one of Sam's responses, she became absolutely stunned into a frightened silence. All three of the men she was watching appeared to remain eerily calm, so she retreated a bit into herself while observing everything from the other side of the room.
Sam hasn't slept since he got back? Since he got back from Hell? What the fuck is going on? Toni thought forlornly as she pulled her knees up to her chin and hugged her legs to her chest. But Dean…? He came back from Hell okay, right? Why wouldn't it be the same for Sam?
Trenchcoatman started unfastening his belt which prompted Sam to mutter, "What? Umm…"
The other male ignored Sam's unease and protests stating flatly, "This will be unpleasant."
Sam started to ask, "What…?" But he was once again interrupted by Trenchcoatman who was placing the leather belt into Sam's mouth with the calm instructions, "Bite down on this. If there's someplace you find soothing, you should go there… In your mind."
Toni watched in horrified fascination as the unknown male rolled up the sleeve on his right arm then gripped Sam's shoulder with his left hand. She couldn't see exactly what was happening because Trenchcoatman's torso obstructed her view, but when she heard Sam's muffled, agonizing scream, she jumped to her feet yelling at the top of her lungs, "SAM! GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU PIECE OF SHIT! STOP! STOP HURTING HIM!"
She tried to run to Sam's aide, but Dean caught her and forcefully ordered, "Toni! Stand down! Stand down! Let Castiel do his thing and I'll explain everything later."
"Cas… Castiel? The angel?" She mumbled in recognition of the significance of the name Dean had attributed to the stranger. Dean nodded firmly, so she whispered repentantly, "Okay. Sorry." The she sat down at the table to once again observe the scene as a silent outsider to witness the interaction between the three males. However, she didn't seem to notice that the majority of the conversation ended up being solely between the angel and the eldest Winchester because her mind was racing with so many of her own unanswered questions.
An angel? The guy in the trench coat is an angel? What the hell? And he saved Dean from Hell… Well at least that's what Dean said yesterday… But then again he also said that it was Veritas that beat the shit out of Sam, so did he lie about this Castiel guy too? No… No… Why would he lie about that? Fuck! Why wouldn't he lie Toni? He wasn't your friend… He doesn't know you… Why the fuck would you expect him to be completely honest with you? What have you done to earn that? She thought to herself as she glared, unnoticed, at the back of Dean's head.
"You're stuck with the soulless guy, so you might as well work with me."
Sam's voice penetrated her thoughts and Toni's eyes quickly refocused on his face. (She still sat there as none of them were acknowledging her presence and continued their discussion as if she wasn't in the room.)
Soulless guy… Soulless… Sam has no soul… What the fuck? But we… And he… What does…? Oh God, I had sex with him… Does that make ME a bad person? She thought as the unfamiliar sensation of her stomach clenching nervously threatened to overtake her and make her vomit. But after I killed Jimmy, Sam… He took care of me, he nursed me back to health, and he made sure that I didn't die from hypothermia. A… A soulless guy wouldn't do that, right? Unless… Oh fuck… No… Was he that nice to me just so that I WOULD sleep with him? No! No! Sam wouldn't… Well MY Sam wouldn't do that, but soulless guy over there… NO! He's the one that convinced me not to think the worst about Dad and then when we met up with Dean… We shared a moment… I didn't imagine that connection between us, did I? He showed me real compassion, he cared… Fuck! Am I going crazy?
"I don't know. You have no memory of your resurrection?" The angel questioned solemnly.
Sam shrugged answering, "I woke up in a field. That's all I got."
"No clues? None?" Dean pressed.
"I've got one," Sam finally replied as his eyes travelled around the room until they locked with Toni's terror filled eyes. He then looked back to his brother and the angel saying, "Do you think you guys could give the two of us a minute alone before we get into all of that?"
Sam jutted his chin towards the only female in the room forcing the other two males to finally acknowledge her existence. Dean nodded in understanding then gently tugged Castiel's coat sleeve in an attempt to get him to follow him to the door.
"Sure… Sure Sam… I'll just go grab us something to eat. Cas, why don't you help me with that?"
Once they were alone, Sam and Toni sat in complete silence for a few moments, pointedly staring at anything but each other's faces. Sam's patience wore very thin, very quickly, so he confidently raised his head and squared his shoulders with the inward resolve that he could come to some sort of an understanding with Toni, sooner rather than later.
"You went to Hell," she stated softly to her hands in her lap. After that she raised her head, quietly continuing her thought, "And now you're back, but you have no soul? Did I hear that right? Does that mean what I think it means?"
Sam nodded and didn't seem to be bothered or concerned at all by the tears forming in Toni's eyes as he replied with a cold monotone, "Yes, you heard that right."
"So… When you were so sweet to me in Mississippi… Did you… Was it just so that I would have sex with you?" She questioned as her voice started to crack. Sam shook his head, but before he could verbalized a response, Toni jumped in and asked, "And did you give me all of that really nice advice about my relationship with my dad just to make sure that you'd have the prospect of sleeping with me again when we saw each other?"
Sam didn't want to lie to Toni, but when her tears spilled over and down her cheeks, he realized that he couldn't treat her with the indifference that he was feeling. He instead pulled up a chair beside her and tried to think of a way to accomplish his goal. He then took her hands in his and when she didn't shy away from his touch, Sam sighed audibly and all of his muscles relaxed slightly.
"No Toni, I didn't do any of that just to sleep with you. I mean… Sex with you was and always has been beyond amazing, but I didn't DO anything just to have sex with you."
Toni gently pulled back one of her hands and wiped her tears streaking down her cheeks with her sleeve whispering an unsure, "Alright…"
"Look, the truth of the matter is that I really wanted to work that job and the easiest way for me to have done that was to work it with you… Since you and I… Since we have a history together, I figured that you would be expecting to work with the guy that you had met and gotten to know back at school, so I tried my best to remember what it was like… You know, to be him for you. Really, it was just to make sure that we killed the werewolf, nothing else… I wasn't trying to get in your pants or anything."
Toni watched him with a keen eye during his explanation and could tell that he wasn't lying… Or at least he didn't show any of the tell-tale signs of any liar she had spoken to before, so she nodded then said, "Oh… Okay… Umm… Thanks… Thanks for being truthful about that and… You know… Thanks."
They both fell silent again and Sam tried his best not to let his irritation show. Toni dried her cheeks yet again with her sleeve then started to pick at the cuffs of her right sleeve.
"Then… Well… What about tonight? Were you…? I mean did you try to because… Because you don't…?" She tried asking while genuinely sounding very small and unsure for the first time in their relationship.
"No… No Toni," Sam replied softly while cupping her cheek in his palm as if the gesture was completely natural to him. "I just got carried away because I had forgotten how good it could feel to be with you. When we were alone, I just wanted to feel that again… Because I haven't felt like that since I got back and I… I remember really liking how I felt when I was with you at school, in Mississippi… I didn't mean to… I wasn't going to force you to… Really I hadn't meant to scare you or anything at all."
Toni nodded somewhat absentmindedly, but didn't say anything else. Sam's hand moved slowly from her cheek to her hair where he gently raked his fingers through her long, dark locks. As he leaned in and lowered his lips to hers, Toni flinched then jumped to her feet.
"No Sam… I… I can't," she said to her hands. Sam touched her arm and then quietly said, "Okay" so Toni looked into his face. She was desperately hoping that she would catch a glimpse of the man that she had at one time considered to be her closest friend.
Her tears had snuck up on her and started to flow silently as she hoarsely explained through her impending sobs, "I know you didn't mean to, but all of this… It fucking scares the absolute shit out of me. Today you kind of nonchalantly told me that angels, demons, and pagan gods really do exist. That was, to say the least, a little overwhelming, but hey, I figured that I could deal with that… In time… But now? Now you tell me that you went to Hell… Hell… Then you came back to Earth, sans one… One… Soul… And then you made… Had sex with me just because it made you feel something that you have a vague memory of liking… I'm sorry, but it's just too much… Too much for me to take in all right now…"
When Sam gently touched her arm again, Toni was trembling uncontrollably and her tears started to quickly hit the back of his hand as they dripped off of her chin. He gave her forearm a reassuring squeeze then offered in as sweet a tone as he could muster, "It's alright. You really don't have to explain or be okay with all of this all at once. I know that Dean really isn't and he's been dealing with all that other fucked up shit a lot longer than you have… Don't… Don't force yourself to be alright with this because honestly you might never be able to understand it all… Hell some days I'm not sure I get it all really."
Toni smiled sadly and placed her hand over his and nodded more confidently before replying, "I hope that you guys can figure everything out, really I do Sam." She brushed the back of her fingers over his cheekbone while inwardly marveling at how the angel had so easily healed the gashes that Dean had inflicted upon Sam's flesh. "Because you know, I'd really rather introduce my dad to my dearest friend when you're totally and completely yourself. I don't think that he could handle meeting someone that doesn't have a soul, let alone the guy I've been talking up for the last decade, especially with everything that he's been through."
Sam laughed softly then kissed the back of Toni's hand that had been lovingly petting the flesh of his cheek. Despite the seemingly unending flow of tears from her eyes, Toni was able to speak in a fairly steady tone, "I really did miss you so much Sam. Please do take care of yourself, okay?"
Before he could formulate a reply, Toni quickly pecked his lips, grabbed the medic's bag that she had brought with her and slipped out the door. She forced herself not to run down the hall so that she could keep some focus off herself, but she still moved quite rapidly down the hall. Once she rounded the corner farthest from Sam and Dean's room and had ensured that she was completely alone, Toni fell to her knees hard and broke down into choking sobs while gripping the leather bag to her chest. She couldn't explain it, but she knew, she knew deep down inside that her feelings for Sam hadn't changed… Even with the knowledge that there was no way that Sam was the same man that she had fallen in love with so many years ago, her feelings remained steadfast.
Oh my God, I still love him, she admitted to herself. But he doesn't… He CAN'T love me back… He can't, not without a soul, right?
The more she thought about the situation between herself and this form of Sam Winchester, the sicker she started to feel. When the foreign queasy feeling in her stomach threatened to overtake her, Toni silently took control and admonished herself, Okay Toni, that's enough! You can't change any of what happened between you and Sam, so just stop! STOP! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The job you set out to do is done, so get off your ass, straighten up and let's fucking go! There are a ton of people out in this world that NEED your help, but you have to get over yourself and your stupid petty feelings in order to do that! Understand? Now come on soldier!
Toni gave herself another short moment on her knees to make sure that she was calm enough to walk before getting up to her feet. Once she was standing, Toni took a deep breath and tried her best to mentally prepare herself so that she could keep her feelings in check. She was so preoccupied with her own thoughts while she was brushing the dirt off her knees that she completely missed hearing the footsteps that were approaching her current location.
"Hey! Toni, are you okay?" Dean quietly inquired once he was standing right beside her and thinking that he was helping her to stand up straight.
Toni shook her head quietly answering, "No…" as she lifted her gaze to look at him and his angel.
When Dean saw Toni's red, blotchy, swollen eyes, he knew that she had been crying, so he didn't bother asking just in case she decided to lie to him about what had happened between her and his supposed little brother. Instead he almost roughly grabbed her shoulders to force her to look at him asking, "Toni! Toni, what did he do to you? I swear if that soulless son of a bitch…"
"What? No… No! Dean… Dean, no… This…?" She started to explain while waving a hand over her face. "This is all me. Sam… He was just brutally honest about everything, especially about what he was feeling right now, and I just… Well… Anyway, I… He may be soulless, but he wasn't a bastard… Well at least not to me."
Castiel stepped over with a thoughtful scowl on his face as he stepped up to Toni's side and touched her shoulder then flatly commented to Dean, "Antonia is speaking the truth Dean. She has been feeling overwhelmed by all of the new information you and your brother have told her and this was just a manifestation of those feelings."
Dean smiled, but it wasn't much easier or more sincere than before because he was still skeptical of this new situation with the woman from his brother's past, but he did back off slightly before he attempted to clarify, "You're sure? Really, Toni, you're okay?"
While shaking her head, Toni replied, "No, I'm not… At least not yet, but I'm sure that once the shock has worn off maybe… Just maybe then I'll be on the road that will lead to the path that is the route to something that vaguely resembles this thing you consider 'okay'."
Toni was smiling so brightly that Dean actually allowed himself to laugh at her unwavering sense of humor. "Well that's good to hear. But Toni? Seriously, if you… You know… If you have questions or anything about all of this or anything else to do with the job, you've got my number, right?"
"Yeah… Yeah I do Dean… Thanks," She nearly whispered in reply.
Dean lifted her chin then light-heartedly said, "Although I'm not as bad as our new Sammy, I don't really need or get much sleep, so if you need to talk, day or night, you just call on me okay? If not, there's Lay or our friend Bobby too… They both know as much, if not more than me. So call, alright? Any questions, we'll lend a hand, I promise."
Toni took in a few quick breaths while feeling overwhelmed by his kindness then calmly answered, "Thanks… Really, thank you so much. This whole monster hunting deal, I think… Sometimes I think I might be a little over my head, so it would be really nice to have someone to talk to that understands… But… For now? I honestly think that I just need some time, you know? It's so much more than I thought was actually out there." Dean nodded then Toni walked up to him and quickly kissed his cheek. "Good luck with everything Dean. I would offer to help but… But I really don't know how I could be of any help right now. Please, please stay safe Dean… Keep Sam safe too?"
Before he could say anything in reply to Toni, she turned to abruptly to walk away. When she caught another glimpse of Dean's companion, Toni muttered a fairly amused "Angels…" as she made her way up the flight of stairs to the second floor.
Back in her room, Toni barely made it to her bed before she passed out with complete exhaustion. In anticipation of working on this job completely on her own, Toni had already prepaid for the room to cover the whole week, so she wasn't in the least bit concerned about sleeping in past check out the next day or being bother by housekeeping. She was spent and beyond exhausted in mind, body and apparently soul (she never knew that that was such a vital part of her being, at least she was never consciously aware of it), so she let her mind succumb absolutely to the fatigue that engulfed her mind. And then for the first time in a long, long time, Toni slept… She slept soundlessly and dreamlessly, which hadn't happened since before she could remember.
When she finally awoke, more than twenty four hours later, Toni rolled over and laughed out loud at the sight that she was met with on the bed. On the pillow that lay beside her head, there was a fairly freshly baked, over-sized muffin sitting on top of a note.
"Oh my… Fuck! He remembered!" She chucked to herself as she plucked the note away without disturbing the pastry that awaited her.
BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS, WE'LL BE LONG GONE… I KNOW YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY. BUT JUST LIKE I DID BACK THEN, I OWE YOU A FRESH, HOT CUP OF COFFEE BECAUSE I REALLY COULDN'T CHANCE THAT YOU WOULD KNOCK ONE OVER ONTO YOURSELF IN YOUR SLEEP.
I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THIS SHIT STORM DEAN AND I HAVE FOUND OURSELVES IN AND I SINCERELY DO HOPE YOU WON'T HATE ME FOREVER BECAUSE OF IT.
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUSELF TONI.
SAM
Toni sighed heavily as she rolled onto her back and pressed the note to her bosom quietly replying, "There is no way I could ever hate you Sam. I… I love you…"
She then carefully folded the note and placed it inside of her journal before she started to gather all of her belongings in preparation for her departure. After a quick shower, Toni started to nibble into the muffin that Sam had leftas their tell-tale peace offering and gave the room a quick once over in order to ensure that she wasn't leaving anything behind in a fit of rage. Even though she had had a deep sleep and was no longer feeling the exhaustion she had felt before, when Toni finally exited the motel en route to her truck, she did so feeling like she still had a heavy heart. Nothing was really resolved between her and Sam, but Toni was still feeling too emotionally schizophrenic to be able to put anything into proper perspective right now, even if the love of her life was still here.
During the drive 'Home' (Toni chuckled more than once at her usage of the word "Home" when her random waitress has asked her where she was headed to in such a hurry during her only lunch break of the trip. Before today, this trip, the answer had always been a vague 'Madison' or 'My dad's place', but at this point in time answering 'Home' felt more than completely natural) Toni was able to put some of her feelings into some semblance of perspective. She still felt more than uneasy about some of the things that she had learned during the past twenty four hours, but her mind never stopped racing during the drive long enough for her to itemize the feelings that were the easiest and the hardest for her to deal with or understand. By the time she reached the gates of the complex of her and her father's home, she had finally wrapped her head around the fact that everything, or practically everything, she had thought had been a myth before the Winchesters told her that they actually were beings that existed.
As she unloaded her bags from the secure box in the box of her truck, Toni quietly laughed to herself softly saying mockingly, "Angels… In suits? Really?"
As Toni made her way up the pathway, her feet unconsciously started to slow down. She finally just stared at the door to her father's townhouse then nervously thought, Oh God! How am I going to explain all of this to the Colonel? To my DAD? I think that I can handle this, but how? How the hell am I going to explain all that fucked up crap that Sam and Dean told me about to the Colonel? Fuck! I thought that telling him the truth about Dean would be easy, but he knows… Dad knows the truth about my feelings for Sam… So how the hell am I going to put any of this into words to try to describe it to him?
Toni shuddered slightly and was about to break down into uncontrollable tears again, but she managed to keep herself composed enough that no one noticed her distress as she watched the door of her father's town house open with an almost painful slowness.
"TONI! Angel! You're home already? I thought you were come kind of a solicitor!" The Colonel exclaimed cheerfully as he pulled her into a tight, warm hug.
While her face was pressed against her father's chest, Toni sputtered in a broken breath and then she started to sob uncontrollably. Her father made a couple of attempts to push out of their embrace, but Toni had quickly dropped her bags and had gripped the back of her father's shirt tightly. As she started to cry even harder, she just pressed her face further into his chest. The Colonel was momentarily stunned, but he more than allowed his daughter to cling to him desperately because he knew no other way to deal with this situation.
Once everything finally started to catch up with him (and with a violent force no less), the Colonel stroked the back of his only daughter's neck and back of her head to try to comfort her. As he continued to stroke the length of her hair, he comfortingly stated into her hair as he kissed it saying, "It's okay Angel… Just take your time… Shh…Shh… I'm here my baby girl, Daddy's here… Shh… I'll never leave you Angel so you just let it out… I love you… Shh… Daddy's here… Angel Daddy's here for you..."