We held our silence for a long while after the apologies.
My thoughts were racing; muddled with alcohol and exhaustion. I'd been pulled out of sleep long before sun-up to help save the world and then been kidnapped and dragged across the universe against my will. I'd shouted at a king, been yelled at by a queen, punched a few Asgardians and gotten drunk on mead. And now here I was, on this balcony, separated from my greatest enemy by a goddamned trellis.
Add in the fact that I still wasn't quite sure how I felt about said enemy and, well…it was pretty easy to see that I'd had a day full of fuckery.
The weird thing was, I'd sort of gotten used to dealing with fuckery. Maybe not on such a grand scale, because who could possibly anticipate the day I was having?
The last six months had been one bout of bullshit after the next, with scarcely any downtime between instances. The combination of SHIELD, Fury, the Avengers, and my own twisted up head had rendered me pretty numb. I was used to being pulled in six different directions at once; to having everyone telling me what was 'best' for me. Usually I'd just dig in my heels, and do what I wanted. But if that happened to line up with what I was being told to do, then so be it.
But this time?
This time it was all up to me. My choice. My decision. Full speed ahead and consequences be damned, because I was tired of second guessing myself. I had wasted so much time trying to convince myself that I didn't have any feelings left for Loki rather than examining why I might still feel something. Or I had just kept telling myself that all I felt was hatred, and any other emotion was wrong.
Well fuck that.
Emotions were a goddamned mystery to me. Always had been, always would be. I didn't know why I liked half of what, or who, I liked. I didn't know why some things made me laugh while others made my throat go all tight and achy. And I sure as shit didn't know why my emotions didn't always mirror those of the people around me.
Maybe I was broken. Maybe I was fundamentally backwards in some way. Hell, maybe that's all there was to the attraction I felt for Loki; we were both spectacularly fucked up.
I don't know.
All I knew was that I liked what I liked, and right now I apparently had a thing for fallen Norse Gods.
Loki's fingers had laced through my own and he held them in a crushing grip, as if he were afraid that were he to let go, I would disappear. I stroked my thumbs over his, and listened to the ragged breathing from the other side of the ivy.
I was at an utter loss. I didn't know what to say; what to do. But what I did know was that I had to set this right, even if it meant confessing to everything that had happened in Stuttgart. That was sure to earn me another round of psych visits, and maybe even a field suspension for omitting that particular bit of info from my debriefing. But at this point I didn't really care. What Loki and I had shared was personal. It had no bearing on the outcome of Manhattan and it sure as hell didn't earn him any extra loyalty from me.
In fact, considering how things had played out between us, it actually did more to motivate me to stop Loki from following through on his plans. Sure, I'd been operating under a cloud of anger and hurt, but I'd gotten the job done. Fury could argue against that until he was blue in the face, and he probably would, but the fact remained that once Tasha knocked some sense back into me, I'd fallen in line and done my duty. And that's all that should matter.
"What will you do now," Loki asked. His voice was still hoarse, but his tone had steadied considerably and he seemed to have his emotions under control.
Good thing, too, because I never really knew how to react to tears.
"Well, once Odin gets the council together, I'm gonna go talk to them," I said slowly. "Thor's hoping that once they know the truth then they'll reduce your sentence. He was pretty intent on proving that you weren't the only one responsible for the invasion of Earth."
I paused there, allowing Loki to take in my words before I continued. "But there's something else I need to do first."
"Oh? And what is that?"
"Gonna need my hands back for this," I answered, untwining my fingers from Loki's. He let go reluctantly, fingertips brushing against mine gently before breaking contact. "Now, stand back."
"What are you doing," Loki asked.
"You'll see," I returned. "Just back up and gimme a minute."
I studied the trellis that stood between us. The lattice itself seemed to be formed from live saplings that had been woven together and then continued to grow, rooted alongside the ivy in a deep marble trough. All it took was one quick push with my foot to realize I had no hope of actually moving the damn container; it was far too heavy.
"Fine," I muttered. "If I can't go around you, then I'm going through."
And with that, I wrapped my hands around the two saplings on the far right and pulled with all my strength. There was a creaking groan from the green wood as it began to bend, slowly giving way. I swore softly and grabbed a bit higher up the trunk, using my weight to pull the whole goddamn thing down. With a muting tearing noise, the entire right side of the line of saplings uprooted and sagged down over me like a canopy. I ducked from beneath the ruined trellis and slipped through the opening I'd created to stand before Loki.
The expression of shock on his face quickly gave way to one of rueful amusement. "You could not simply use the door," he asked.
Oh yeah. The door. Knew I'd forgotten something.
"Nope," I replied, shooting him a quick grin. "I'm half in the bag and all the way impatient. Didn't feel like taking the long way around."
"Of course you didn't," Loki returned, mirroring my grin back at me as he took a step closer. His eyes swept over me, drinking me in, and he murmured, "You are unchanged. Precisely the same as the last time I saw you."
"It hasn't really been that long," I shrugged. "Just about six months."
Loki's smile faltered, and his eyes snapped up to meet mine. "Only half a year," he questioned, his tone holding an edge of horror. "How is it that so little time has passed?"
"It just rolled along, like it always does," I answered, giving him a curious look. "I guess that when you're doing time, the days seem to last a lot longer."
"Yes, I suppose you have a point," the god whispered, his gaze sliding to the side. "It felt as if I had been imprisoned for an age. I had no idea that it was only a few short months…and so much time left to serve." Loki's voice trailed away, his expression troubled.
My brows drew together as I realized he was beginning to tremble slightly. "You okay," I asked, crossing the last few feet between us and trying to catch his eye. I didn't much care for the haunted look in that poison green stare. It reminded me too much of Stuttgart. "Loki? Look at me."
He shook his head, arms wrapping around himself to hold tight, and I swore I heard a tiny whimper bleed from his lips.
"What did they do to you," I asked, carefully reaching out to place my hand over his.
Loki's fingers immediately laced through mine, gripping desperately. "I do not wish to speak of it," he said firmly, spearing me with a direct look. "Please. Do not make me tell you."
"Hey," I said softly. "I'm not gonna make you do anything, okay? If you don't want to talk about it; then we won't talk about it."
"Thank you," he breathed, squeezing my hand tighter.
"C'mere," I murmured, pulling the god into the circle of my embrace. "It's gonna be okay, Loki. I'll make sure of it." I slid one hand up into his hair, the other twining around his waist, and I rested my forehead against the side of Loki's throat. "It's all gonna be okay."
The way he clung to me so intensely was making me really wonder what in the hell had been visited upon Loki in the name of 'punishment'. What had him so terrified that he wouldn't even speak of his experiences? My teeth ground together, and I bit back a growl as I considered the fact that not even four hours ago I'd been insisting that Loki deserved whatever he got. But that was before I'd seen him; had a chance to speak with him.
That was before I'd known the whole truth.
I tightened my hold on him then, nuzzling into his throat and breathing deeply of his scent. He was still trembling, his whole body tense with barely restrained terror, and I wanted nothing more than to soothe his fear. All my anger and pain had vanished with his confession, and I felt that warm, soft feeling begin to rise in my chest. The one I'd felt in Stuttgart when he'd finally submitted to me; when he'd begged for me.
This time I let it come. I didn't fight against it; didn't shove it down into a dark corner of my mind and lie to myself about what I was feeling. I couldn't lie anymore. I did care what happened to Loki. Yes, he deserved a measure of punishment for his crimes. But not this. No one deserved to be broken this completely.
That goddamn ache was back in my throat, and I couldn't even begin to put what I wanted to say into words, so I did the one thing I knew I wouldn't fuck up in some way.
I pulled back from that pale throat and brushed my lips across Loki's, softly murmuring his name as I kissed him.
Loki stiffened in my arms at the first touch of my mouth to his before he hesitantly returned the kiss, his hands gripping the fabric of my shirt just a bit tighter. His ragged, hitching breaths deepened into a soft moan, and as my tongue teased across his lower lip, the god panted out, "Wait."
"Why," I questioned as I scratched my nails gently against his scalp, pulling a shiver from him. "We've waited long enough, I think."
Leaning back, Loki caught my eye and answered simply, "Heimdall. I was hidden from his gaze during my time on Midgard, but we do not have that luxury here. In fact, I am somewhat surprised he did not send guards the moment you tore down the barrier on the balcony."
I briefly shut my eyes, brow furrowing as I huffed out a frustrated sigh. I'd completely forgotten about Asgard's version of Homeland Security.
"He can't watch all the time, can he," I asked. "I mean…he has to look away sometimes when things get a little…personal, right?"
Loki huffed out a small, tired laugh. "I cannot say, as we have never discussed such. One would hope he would have that much decency, at least."
"I suppose he's watching right now," I mused, turning my gaze toward the edge of the city, and the Bifrost beyond. "Hang on. I'm gonna try something."
"Hey Heimdall," I said slowly, feeling like a total idiot spitting requests into thin air. "If you're listening, I need a favor. Could you maybe, I dunno, check in on someone else for about an hour or so? I promise I'm not gonna do anything stupid like try and break Loki outta here. Odin's wards wouldn't let me anyway. And Loki's magic is gone, so I can guarantee that I'm acting under my own power. This is something I want to do…and considering the day I've had at the hands of your people, I think you owe me this much."
We waited for some sort of answer; a sign that the Watcher had at least heard me. After a full minute I let out a soft, "Oh." Loki gave me a curious look as I continued. "And one last thing. Sorry for that crack about your helmet. I'm just having a really fucked up day and that makes me sorta rude."
"Look," Loki said quietly, inclining his head. "I believe you have your answer, my Hawk."
Far below, the Bifrost was pulsing rhythmically. The colors would build to an almost blinding white, and then fall back into the familiar rainbow hues before brightening again. A small grin plucked at the corner of my mouth and I muttered, "Okay, enough with the Asgardian Morse code. Gimme three blinks if you're gonna let us have some alone time, okay buddy?"
There was an immediate reaction; three rapid flashes of light, and I smirked. "Good man. I knew you weren't that much of a perv."
Loki buried his face into my shoulder, snorting laughter. I dropped a quick kiss to his throat and chuckled in return. This really was shaping up to be the weirdest fucking day I'd had in well…ever.
"It seems we are blissfully alone," Loki murmured.
"Sure does," I rumbled, pulling him tighter against me. "What're we gonna do about that?"
"Oh, I can think of a few things," the god answered lightly, his fingertips drawing small circles on my back as he gave me an appraising look. "But first I have one question for you."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"What sort of insult did you lever against the Watcher's headpiece? You have made me curious."
I hid my wince against Loki's throat, saying, "I'll tell you later. Let's not waste what little time we have with small talk."
Maybe if I distracted him well enough he'd forget all about that, and I wouldn't have to explain my little barb, and how it called his own sense of fashion into question.
God, I hoped so, because if there was one thing that Loki loved, it was that damned helmet.
"Fair enough," he purred. "Now. Take me to bed, Clint. I've been dreaming of this moment for far longer than you can ever imagine."
"You're not the only one, Princess," I growled. "Lead the way."