A/N: So it's been a while, eh? Sorry for that, but life got in the way :S So I offer an extra long chapter to ask for forgiveness :)
That Keeps Me Swimming:
After replacing the stack of books that the four of them had read through, Bobby passed yet another stack of hard covered books to Dean. Bobby turned and carried a small pile over to his desk while Dean split the load in his arms that he was carrying with his brother. Sam made sure that the books he took from Dean's grasp were within Toni's reach and were positioned so that she wouldn't have to move too much to get one of them when she was finished reading over the text that she had in hand at any particular point in time.
For too long the only sound that filled the small room was that of pages being turned accompanied by the sound of the four of them breathing almost rhythmically in and out. They each had a journal or pad of paper to take down notes, but none of them had found anything of interest or any information about Eve that was worthy of being noted or committed to memory as of yet.
As Toni exchanged one book for another, she froze completely mid-reach and hissed out an involuntary breath loudly. Sam swiftly dropped the book he had been reading in response to Toni's reaction and fell to his knees in front of Toni's place on the couch as he worriedly asked, "Toni…? What's wrong? Do you need an ice pack? A pain killer? Should I help you back up to bed?"
Bobby and Dean watched the younger Winchester and nearly laughed out loud, but they both remained silent when they saw the look that immediately made itself home on the injured woman's face. As soon as Sam had seemingly over-reacted to Toni's pain-filled noise, Toni's jaw had clenched in a hard line and her neck turned a bright crimson color that neither Dean nor Bobby had seen before, so they opted not to find out how angry that meant that she was at that moment.
By the time that Sam had taken the time to look up from Toni's two injuries, her face had softened and the coloring of her skin had finally returned to normal. She then took one of Sam's hands in the grasp of her uninjured hand and tugged on it until he was standing up right. Sam followed her silent direction and returned to his rightful place beside Toni on the couch while she took in a few deep breaths and then she twisted her torso so that she could face the younger Winchester straight on.
"Sam I'm fine," Toni asserted calmly. "But when I moved just now, my leg kind of cramped up on me because… Well… You know three days of practically no activity… I think that my muscles are like atrophying or something, so it's nothing to be worried about… Okay?"
Sam blushed slightly before replying, "Right… Your body is used to having more physical activity than you've been having on a daily basis…"
Toni nodded but before she could answer, Dean started to laugh softly to himself. Bobby completely misunderstood the direction in which this conversation was headed, so he put down the dusty volume that he was reading in order to attract the three other hunter's attention towards himself.
As all of their eyes locked on his face, Toni thought that she had caught onto his train of thought, so she dropped Sam's hands and raised her own up defensively.
"Oh God! No… No Bobby… Not like that… I… I usually go out for an hour long run every day, Sir… That is… Unless… Unless I've worked a job that has given me comparable cardio," Toni quickly explained as she felt her neck and cheeks start to heat up with embarrassment.
"Oh…" Bobby replied contemplatively. "Well your leg probably hasn't healed up quite enough to run, but it sounds like you might have a point… Sitting around all day long isn't going to help you much either…"
Toni stared at him with her eyebrows turned down to show her confusion. Bobby smiled softly then continued his explanation light-heartedly, "The scrap yard is pretty big, I don't see any reason why you can't wander around the acreage for short stints to give your body a bit of a light workout."
Sam turned back towards Toni then tentatively added, "If you want some company while you're out there…"
Toni patted Sam's hands and knee replying, "Thanks… That sounds like a really good idea, but I think that I'll at least wait until after lunch."
Suddenly the three men all turned to check a clock or their wrist watch. Dean was the first to register the current time and nearly whined, "When did it become afternoon?"
As she stood up, Toni detached herself from Sam's grasp then said with a cheeky laugh, "Umm… Just a little over an hour ago… I'll go see what I can put together for lunch."
Before leaving the room, Toni replaced her left arm slowly and carefully in the makeshift sling that Sam had created for her which gave Bobby enough time to catch up to her. Without noticing the older man at her side, Toni turned to walk to the kitchen, but she was quickly stopped by Bobby griping one of her shoulders.
"You already took care of breakfast, why don't you help Sam put away some of the books that we're finished reading through while I make us all lunch? Alright?"
Toni almost protested, but then she reminded herself that she was a guest in Bobby's home. He had provided her a safe place to sleep and rest, had practically saved her life by extracting two bullets from her body and stitched up both of her wounds without asking for anything in return, so she couldn't disrespect him by going against his wishes right now. Instead she moved back to the couch and started piling up the books while answering with a quiet, "Yes Sir."
Bobby stopped in his tracks when he heard Toni's almost sad sounding response, but Sam waved him off and mouthed, "I got this." Bobby then nodded and continued on his previous path without saying another word.
Sam picked up the pile of books that Toni had put together on the couch saying, "Here… Why don't you hold onto them and I'll put them back on the shelf?"
Toni nodded and walked over beside Bobby's desk silently and waited obediently for Sam to join her. He turned to his brother then motion with his head for Dean to leave the room because he knew that there was no way that he could get through to Toni if they had an audience. Dean frowned knowing that this most likely meant that he was now being tasked to help Bobby with preparing their meal or cleaning dishes again. Although Dean really wanted to gripe, he didn't and left his brother to try to smooth things over with the frustrated woman.
"So does Bobby have a system here or…?" Toni quietly asked while she handed a book to Sam as he walked towards the book shelf.
Sam laughed then replied, "None that I can see… Books on shelf is the only discernible order that I've ever been able to establish."
"You know if he actually did categorize them and had them catalogued, it could make researching different monsters a heck of a lot easier."
Sam didn't skip a beat while he jammed the books back on the shelf any which way that he could as he replied, "Well he has thousands of books here, so if you want to tackle that job, please feel free and be my guest."
Before passing Sam another book, Toni surveyed the library with a thoughtful eye. As she gave him the next book to put away, she stated, mostly to herself, "It would probably take at least a week… If no one was around to interrupt… But it could be doable."
Sam scoffed softly as he plucked a book out of her hand while she was lost in her own thoughts. Once her hands were empty, Toni's eyes turned towards Sam's face then her hand flinched and she punched Sam in the arm indignantly saying, "What? Not like I'm GOING to do it. Geez Sam."
"Well I don't think that anyone would stop you if you wanted to," Sam offered with a shrug. "You know if you wanted a project while you're supposed to be recuperating and all…"
Toni just shook her head then replied, "No… That's okay… I mean… It… It would be a little disrespectful after everything that Bobby's done for me to turn around and basically say, 'Oh… By the way since you don't know how to organize your study, I went ahead and did it for you…' Plus… Who's to say that this chaos doesn't make perfect sense to Bobby, right?"
"Touché," Sam conceded with a smirk and a quirked eyebrow.
He had the last few books that needed to be shelved in his hand, so Toni moved behind the desk to look at the texts that had been left out by Bobby. She knew that they needed to find anything they could about Eve, but the books that Bobby had left out seemed to focus mostly on Purgatory, Heaven and Hell. She presumed that he was hoping that by learning everything about the 'where' that she came from that it would help to shed some light on the 'who' that was their latest foe.
Although she understood that rationale, there was one book that seemed completely out of place in relation to the other books left out. After she flipped open the cover of the brown leather journal, she became even more confused because she had expected the dates of the events that were recorded to be of some historical significance, but what she actually saw were dates that had occurred during her own lifetime. Most of the writing was too illegible for her to make out, so she just flipped to random pages haphazardly without really registering what was written on any of the pages.
"Whose journal is this?" She finally asked without turning her eyes away from it. "It doesn't look like yours or Bobby's writing."
Sam couldn't see which journal Toni was referring to among the piles of books that littered the desk, so he quickly placed the last book on the shelf to move to her side. After taking a couple of steps towards her, Sam could see the pages as Toni continued to turn them, so he stopped and turned away from her before answering.
"Oh… That's Dad's…" He finally replied somewhat flippantly.
Toni stopped mid-motion and tried to speak, but for some reason she just couldn't. She opened her mouth again, but felt like her knees might were going to give out on her, so she sat on Bobby's chair before she actually did fall. Sam quickly noticed her deafening silence and once again moved to stand at her side, but refrained from interrupting her train of thought in anyway.
"So this…? This…?" Toni held the leather bound book up and turned towards Sam to show it to him. "This is YOUR Dad's journal? The…? THE journal John left behind for Dean?"
Sam chuckled in response to Toni's flabbergasted tone which caused her to blush profoundly before she sheepishly commented, "Sorry… Sorry… I'm still kind of getting used to the whole idea of my favorite literary characters being real… And that I know them…"
"Actually… You know one of them REALLY well," Sam teased quietly before leaning down to place a soft kiss on her lips.
"Yeah…" She drawled out slowly as she opened her eyes. "Dean and I have had some really great conversations when he's helped me with those jobs…"
"Toni…" Sam cautioned trying not to let her bait him.
She flashed him a self-satisfied grin, so Sam fell down to his knees then caressed her cheek gently. Her smirk started to morph into a concerned pout when Sam didn't reply or say anything else to her. Instead he just frowned while giving her his signature "wounded puppy dog" look.
"Sam…? I'm…" She started remorsefully until she was silenced by Sam straightening up and pulling her face to his to kiss her more deeply.
Toni's left arm was still safely wrapped in her sling and her right hand remained resting protectively on John's journal motionless in mild shock as Sam's fingers weaved their way through her hair at the back of her head. Without breaking the embrace, Sam stood up and kissed her more aggressively once he towered over her because he could feel that she was allowing him to dominate her like she never had in the past.
To make them both a bit more comfortable, Sam bumped the arm of the chair with his knee to swivel the chair around so that they would be facing each other. The chair moved easily but that action caused Toni's had to inadvertently slip off the leather cover of the journal.
She then used her now free hand to push back on Sam's chest before saying through a sigh, "Dad…"
Sam was so taken aback by her response that he took a step away from her and once he had increased the space between them she almost frantically continued, "He'd… Oh SHIT! Shit…! Fuck!"
Toni stood up suddenly, sending the chair violently back with her motion and causing it to slam against the side of the fireplace behind Bobby's desk with a loud CRASH. Sam tried to catch her free arm, but with the chair now in between the two of them, all his moving accomplished was him slamming his knee, hard, into the arm of the chair.
He cursed loudly, but didn't look up from his new injury until he heard Dean ask, "What's going on? We heard…" He cut himself off abruptly when he saw his brother rubbing his sore knee beside the now empty chair and instead quickly asked, "Where's Toni? What happened?"
Sam didn't take the time to answer Dean and just rushed out of the room to follow Toni's path out of the room and up the stairs. Dean almost called out to him, but Bobby tugged on his arm and they hurried to find Toni with Sam as well.
"No Sir… I'm at Bobby's place," she was explaining into her phone, sounding like a timid teenager after they had been caught doing something they were forbidden to do by an authority figure. "The three of them tended to my wounds and I've been on bed rest Sir."
"Thank God you made it there Angel. But…? How are you really? How bad were… Are your injuries?"
"I'm okay Dad; really it's no big deal… Just a tiny .22… Now if he had of used a .45 or something…"
"Antonia," The Colonel cut in with a stern tone. "I don't care what caliber it was, you were shot and then I didn't hear from you for five days… I've been worried sick about you."
"I know Dad and I'm SO sorry… But I remembered everything you, Mom, Will and Alex taught me about survival and then I drove straight to Bobby's like I was supposed to if I ran into any kind of trouble…" She looked up while pacing and let a tear slide down her cheek when she came face to face with the three other hunters who were hovering outside of the open door. "Then they… Bobby and the guys… They took care of everything Sir… I promise I'll be fine… Really I will… I'm so sorry that you were worried… I know I should have called sooner… I really didn't… I never meant… I'm…"
"It's alright Angel. It's alright. Please don't be upset… Please don't cry," her Dad interrupted with a calm, soothing voice. "You're alive and that is ALL that matters to me in the end."
"Thanks Dad, but still… I'm so sorry."
"Apology accepted…" He replied with a mild tease overtaking his tone. "If…"
Toni quickly turned her back on the others so that they wouldn't be able to hear her before asking in a worried, hushed whisper, "If what Colonel? I swear I'll do anything to make it up to you Sir."
"If… Umm… Could… Could I maybe talk to Bobby?"
"Dad! Geez… Uhh… Yeah… Okay… But… But just keep in mind that he's a REAL person, okay? Try not to gush too much, alright?" She hurriedly warned him.
"Yes Toni, I know that he's a REAL person. I just wanted to thank him… You know, for saving your life and all?" He replied sounding slightly wounded. "Plus… Have I embarrassed you when I've talked with Sam or Dean?"
"No Sir, you haven't… I'll… I'll just go get him for you," she agreed quietly. Before turning around, Toni took a deep breath to try to keep calm and silently pleaded to God to let the impending conversation between the two men to go well. And for Bobby not to kick her out at the end of it.
Sam, Dean and Bobby watched her in silence and didn't move until she turned fully around. Toni took a couple of tentative steps forward, so they all entered the room to close the distance between them.
"My… Uhh… My dad would like to… Umm… To talk to you," she announced softly to her feet as she put her hand out towards the group.
Sam took a step forward and squeezed her shoulder to try to reassure her saying, "Sure, that's no problem Toni."
Before Sam could take the phone, Toni hid her hand behind her back and timidly explained, "No Sam, not you or Dean… Umm… He wanted to… To finally talk to… Uhh… To Bobby."
Sam couldn't help but smirk because he knew how big of a fan Toni's Dad was of Chuck's books, so he understood her trepidation. The first time he had spoken with the Colonel, the older man had almost been shy. Sam figured (correctly) that Toni's Dad's reaction had been more out of nervousness than actual shyness and Sam wasn't really one to judge because he had felt his own throat constrict when he first tried to start a conversation with the Father of the woman that he… Well the woman that he was 'with' right now.
Bobby stepped around Sam to claim Toni's phone then confidently announced into it, "Colonel McNamara, you wanted to talk Sir?"
Toni moved over beside Sam who instantly wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave her a quick side hug.
"Uhh… Yes, Mister Singer I did… I… Uhh… I wanted to thank you for taking care of my daughter. I know that she can be quite a handful and if there is anything that I can do to repay you…"
Bobby turned around and smiled at Toni then replied loud enough to be sure that the three younger hunters would hear him, "Not to worry Colonel, it's what we all do for each other, so no repayment is necessary… And to be honest, when you've had to deal with the Winchester brothers for as long as I have… Well your daughter's stubbornness barely registers Sir… And please, call me Bobby."
Dean and Sam scoffed indignantly while Toni bit her lip to keep from laughing and Bobby continued his conversation without showing his acknowledgement of any of their reactions. "Plus… Toni's been a huge help with our research and she helps me keep the boys in check, so I'm more than happy to have her around Colonel."
Toni's Dad chuckled softly saying, "I can only imagine what that could be like… And Bobby…? After what you've done for me and my family, there's no need for you to be so formal, just call me Tom… Thank you Bobby… Thank you for everything."
Bobby winked at Toni then nodded towards her. As Toni approached him, Bobby finished the conversation with a final, "Always happy to lend a hand when I can, but I'll let you catch up with your daughter right now… Hopefully we'll get to talk more in the future."
Toni took the phone from Bobby and watched as he patted Sam on the shoulder and then gently guided Dean by the elbow out of the room. Sam stayed behind, but it was Toni that snuggled up against him seeking a comforting embrace.
"So… That's Bobby…" She started slowly. Sam rubbed a few soft circles on her back then kissed the top of her head once Toni wrapped an arm around his midsection.
"That certainly was… Thanks Angel… But I should let you get back to your work now, just don't…"
"I'll call Dad, I promise. I really am sorry that I worried you. I'll check in and I'll try to get home once I can drive again," she jumped in quickly to try to ease his mind.
"And don't forget to tell the guys that when they get here to Madison, I owe them a drink…"
"DAD!" Tony nearly shouted in surprise.
"Okay… Okay… Dinner… I owe them a steak dinner."
"That's better," she agreed at a lower volume. "They never say no to free food."
"And tell them that they always have a place to rest their head or lay low if they need to as well… Make sure that they know that they are always welcome here…"
"I will Dad… I mean… I have… They know already…"
"Good, good. Okay… You keep out of trouble Angel. I love you."
Toni sniffled softly then replied, "I'll try my best Dad, but no promises… Trouble seems to be part of the job description and all… I love you too and I WILL call you soon."
After Toni hung up the phone, she sat down on the bed beside Sam and rested her head on his shoulder. "Sorry… I should have explained before taking off on you like that, but I really just needed to call him. I can't believe that that wasn't the first…"
"Hey… Shh… It's more than okay…" Sam interrupted while wrapping his arm around her and massaging the shoulder of her injured arm softly. "This is still a fairly new facet of your relationship with the Colonel, so don't beat yourself up about it."
"Yeah… He… Says the… Same… Thing… So… I'll try… Not… To…" Toni replied through several prolonged yawns.
"Good to hear," Sam replied before kissing her forehead.
Toni didn't say anything in response and then Sam felt her breathe out a couple of puffs of air onto his neck. Now that she was sleeping, Sam could move he with ease so he slipped one of his arms under her legs then lifter her up to lay her down on the bed. Even though he tried to be as gentle with her as possible, Toni still winced in her sleep when Sam touched her thigh and pulled the covers up over her injured shoulder.
He waited until her facial features had softened again before he kissed her forehead and left the room. He found his brother and Bobby back in the study, eating and completely engrossed while they were reading through yet another shelf of texts.
"Did you guys find anything helpful?" Sam asked as he entered the room.
Bobby looked up, rubbed his eyes and replied while shaking his head, "Nope… Nothing yet. How's Toni doing?"
Sam took the plate that Dean was holding up and made himself comfortable on the couch. "She left things off on a positive note with her Dad and then she fell asleep. I tuck her in for a nap, so I guess that means she's doing okay."
Bobby and Dean simply nodded in response then all three turned back to their meals and research materials. After what felt like hours, the men made it through another shelf of books without finding anything close to a new lead. Dean had become restless quickly, so he went out to work on some random noise that the Impala had started making over the past month, much to Sam and Bobby's relief, while they continued their thorough scrutiny of Bobby's texts.
As he closed the last book on his desk, Bobby let out a loud, frustrated sigh. "I think that I've read this book three times now." Sam looked over and watched as Bobby rubbed his eyes again and commented to himself, "It feels like we're going in circles now…"
"Umm… Bobby? I think… I might know about something that might be helpful to us," Sam offered with slight hesitation.
Bobby quirked an eyebrow replying, "Well son, you know me, I'm never one to turn down a new potential lead… So…? Why are you beating around the bush?"
"Well… It's how I know about it… Umm… Dean really… Uhh… I don't think that Dean will like it…"
"Let me worry about your brother Sam… Just tell me what it is and then I'll take it from there," Bobby replied as he turned his full attention to the younger Winchester.
"Umm… Well… I've been getting some flashes here or there…. You know, like memories from the time that I spent with Samuel…" Sam finally looked over to Bobby and relaxed slightly when he didn't receive the negative reaction that he had anticipated. "Okay… Well… Back at the compound… Uhh… The Campbell Compound… There's a library that's hidden away… In it… There's… They had… Have book as old, if not older than some of the texts that you have here… So… So… I was thinking…"
"Maybe they might have something helpful in them," Bobby finished and Sam nodded in confirmation. Bobby then quickly concluded, "I guess that means that we're road tripping."
"Road Trip? Where to?" A voice questioned hopefully from the door to the study.
Sam threw Bobby a worried look, so Bobby answered the questions with an easy smile on his face, "Le me grab us a beer and I'll explain everything Dean."
Toni woke up to the bed shaking slightly from side to side. Her arm had fallen out of its sling, so she inadvertently used it to help roll her body over so that she could see who had awoken her by moving the bed. As soon as her palm hit the mattress, her eyes flew open in reaction to the pain that radiated from her wound.
"Crap! Sorry Toni, I didn't mean to disturb you," Sam apologized from the spot where he was now kneeling beside the bed.
Toni used her right hand to pull herself to the edge of the mattress to kiss Sam a couple of times. "You are never a sore or unwelcome sight to wake up to Sam… I guess I slept through dinner, huh? But here… Give me a second and I'll just move over and then you can climb on in."
Sam stood up while pulling the zipper closed on his jacket, but Toni spoke before he was able to explain as she asked, "It's morning?"
She was now seated on the edge of the bed when Sam pulled out a note and handed it to her. "Yeah it is. I was going to let you sleep a little bit longer and leave you this to…"
Toni had plucked the note out of Sam's hand the instant she saw it and had finished reading his message before he completed his explanation. When she started laughing, Sam trailed off to join in with her.
"Yeah, maybe I will tackle organizing Bobby's study…" She lowered the paper and looked up at him then very somberly asked, "So how long will you guys be gone? And…? Umm… Is Bobby…? You know, alright with you all leaving me here? Alone? In his home?"
"I don't really know how long it will take, but I'll call when we know more, alright?" Toni nodded mutely in understanding with an almost sad smile. Sam caressed her cheek lovingly then placed a tender kiss on her lips. "And I think that Bobby would be offended if you went anywhere else to heal."
Toni tried to speak, but Sam placed his other hand on her cheek to hold her attention to explain before she could utter a word, "Dean vouched for you… I trust you, so that's good enough for Bobby. You're welcome to stay here as long as you need to… So stay… Rest… Research… Whatever… Just… Just don't take off on me right away, okay?"
"Okay… Okay… I guess I could triple check to make sure we didn't miss anything in all of those dusty old books of Bobby's down in the study while you guys are off wherever you're going."
Sam placed a determined kiss on her lips then replied, "That sounds good to me."
He straightened up to pick up his bag and turned to leave saying, "I'll call you when we get there… Hopefully we'll have a time line then."
Toni walked over to him and helped to slip the handle of his duffle bag onto his shoulder. Sam looked down at her looking like he was confused by her behavior so she just shrugged as she said, "Can't I come down and say goodbye to the other guys? Plus I did sleep all night, so I might as well start the day, right?"
Sam simply moved his bag onto his right shoulder so that he could wrap his left arm around Toni's shoulders as his response. She rested her head against his chest then tired her best to keep up with his long strides as they moved down the hall. They detached themselves from each other at the stairs and then Toni took Sam by the hand so it would be easier for her to walk at her own pace.
She hadn't noticed that she was only dressed in her sleep wear that consisted of a form fitting tank top and sleep shorts until she and Sam reached the front door. In an effort to cover up, she pressed her damaged arm closer to her body which caused the cloth of the sling to cover her body more fully. Then she released Sam's hand and tugged on the hem of her shorts before absentmindedly picking at the tape and gauze covering the wound on her thigh.
Sam kissed her temple then quietly said, "We'll talk soon."
He left her at the top of the stairs to join Bobby and Dean at the Impala, but unbeknownst to both of them, Bobby was still in the house finalizing a few details before their travels. The eldest hunter stepped up behind Toni and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder while they both watched the Winchester brothers finish loading the car.
"It's just an info run Toni… Nothing to be worried about."
She scoffed softly then said to herself, "Famous last words."
Bobby wanted to pretend that he hadn't heard her, but from what he had learned about their new addition, he knew that that wouldn't help much. So Bobby gripped her shoulder tightly and turned her to face him square on.
"Toni, we'll be fine, I promise. Now… You go make yourself and home and please… At least ice up your arm and leg after your runs, okay?"
Toni stared at him in stunned silence because she couldn't believe that he would know her well enough already to know that that was her exact train of thought. She then smiled and sheepishly replied, "Yes sir, I will… I promise… Good luck."
Bobby squeezed both of her shoulders and gave her a knowing smile before heading down the stairs to meet the boys at the car. Sam motioned for Bobby to take the front passenger seat then paused to share a wave and a kind smile with Toni before slipping into the back seat.
After the Impala started moving, Toni turned back to the door and reentered the house. With every step that she took, she noticed that her leg was hurting less and less, so she quit favoring as much as she had been before while she walked into the kitchen so that she could find something to eat.
"Holy shit!" She whispered to herself when she found a full banquet on the kitchen table waiting for her. As she picked up the plate of cooked bacon, Toni nibbled on a strip as she looked over to the nearest bookshelf and gave Bobby's study another thought-filled look.
Well maybe I won't redo the WHOLE study, she thought to herself with an almost embarrassed laugh. But it couldn't hurt if I made sure that all of Bobby's books actually fit on the shelves properly.
When Toni woke up with drool dripping down the crease of her elbow, she wiped it away and looked around the room then cursed herself for falling asleep on the couch. As she triple checked where she was, she couldn't help but smile to herself when she saw the one and only bookcase that was now neatly arranged and organized. It had been easier than she had originally thought it would be to complete that job because there were only a few books that she needed to re-read and she had no distractions from her task.
As she stretched, Toni stole a peek out of the window and decided that it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world for her to venture out into the scrap yard for a bit of a walk about. As soon as she hit the gravel of the yard outside, she took in a deep breath and sighed happily. It wasn't until that moment that she realized that she missed the fresh air of the outdoors and that she had been inadvertently cooped up Bobby's house for almost a week.
As she moved through the rows of rusting vehicles, she ran her hands along their metal bodies hoping that that would help her to get lost in the scenery. Toni wasn't really someone that you could categorize as a 'car person', so she didn't immediately find any joy in being surrounded by the vintage and new-ish model vehicles that surrounded her right now. Not that she was completely clueless, she could check the oil of her truck or change a flat tire if she had to, but every time her brothers forced her to go to a car show, she couldn't help but feel anything but bored. That being said, she did feel an emotional attachment to her pickup truck, but that really didn't have anything to do with the truck by itself.
The week before Toni's eighteenth birthday, Toni's eldest brother, Alex, forced her to go out with him to help him pick out a new pickup truck. He maintained that he was in desperate need of her help so that he would be assured to pick something out that would appeal to the ladies, but Toni knew better; she had seen the empty boxes piled up in the garage. That meant that they would be moving soon. But Alex was trying his best to make things less boring for Toni, so she tried to keep from complaining too much.
Her resolve only broke slightly when the car salesman mistook her for Alex's girlfriend. Since her brother was ten years her senior, she felt grossly offended at first, but then she realized that maybe that meant that she could pass for being older and filed that in the back of her mind for possible pub use. Alex seemed to be pleased by this misunderstanding, so Toni made sure not to say anything. It turned out that the salesman was more that excited by the thought of selling the truck that Alex coveted to a couple starting their new life together and Alex then parléd that into a sizeable discount off the final price of his dream vehicle.
"Toni! That was awesome! Thanks for playing along Chiclet!" Alex exclaimed as he drove her home in the hand-me-down pick up that would now soon be hers. "He's even thrown in the undercoating for free."
Toni turned her face slowly from the passenger window and gave brother a sad smile as her only response.
"Chiclet? What's wrong?"
"Mom and Dad asked you to get me out of the house so they could start packing, right?" She asked the windshield as she crossed her arms over her chest and tried to keep her tone even.
"Toni…"
"Alexander Hamilton McNamara!" She interrupted authoritatively. "Don't you dare try to lie to me…" She smiled despite herself then finished less severely. "Especially since you would have never gotten your dream truck without me."
Alex pulled into a parking lot then Toni's mouth hung open in shock. "Don't worry, I brought mouthwash… The Colonel will never smell the ice cream on your breath Annie."
She playfully punched her brother in the upper arm before getting out of the truck saying, "I hate it when you and Will call me that."
The month after her eighteenth birthday, Alex stopped by for a visit but found the house completely empty. He knew that his youngest sibling had to be close to home because the truck he had turned over to her for her birthday was still in the driveway.
After checking practically every room in the house twice, Alex almost called out her name, but he thought better of it because he figured that there was no way Toni would answer him if she was actually trying to hide from everyone. As he stood at the French doors by the kitchen table, he chuckled softly to himself thinking about how ironic it was that his parents had finally been able to be placed in a house that was so luxurious that it had a yard big enough for a pool and a hot tub in a gazebo now that their last child would be moving out. After his quick thought, he went deathly quiet and barely moved so that he could try to pick her out among all of the other sounds of the night in order to try to find his sister.
It was the start of the weekend, so there wasn't a shortage of music, car mufflers and various other noises associated with celebration. After a few minutes he was starting to think that his instincts were wrong and that maybe his sister was actually out with friends, but then he heard it… Off in the distance, just barely audible with the busy night air over it, he heard a soft sniffle followed by a sob. The back yard was completely dark so he couldn't see her in the distance, but Alex figured that there was only one place that Toni would hide right now.
When he got to the gazebo, he found her curled up into a ball in the far corner on a bench seat, crying softly against her arms. He slid in behind her silently and she jumped slightly when he started to wrap an arm around her, but she didn't hesitate to cuddle into his side as she continued to cry into his chest.
"Hey… Shh… What's going on Chiclet? What happened?" Alex asked as he petted Toni's hair down the length of her back.
Toni was somewhat hard to understand because her speech was choppy due to her sobbing as she tried to explain, "Kyle… He… He… Broke up… With me… He… He told me… He… He's g-g-going off to school s-s-so… So there was no p-p-point st-st-staying… T-t-together until the end of th-th-the year… And… And…"
"And what?" He asked softly trying to keep her talking so they could work through whatever this latest tragedy in her teen life.
"And… He… He… C-c-called me… A… A l-l-l-lousy… L-lousy lay," she finally answered before breaking down into a loud, shuddering sob.
Alex continued to hold Toni in a loving hug, but was too stunned to speak after his sister's confession. Toni's tears started to subside so she tried to take in a few deep breaths, but that was still too difficult for her to accomplish. She had had the presence of mind to bring out a box of tissues with her, so Alex plucked out a couple and pushed her out of his embrace to dry her tears and get her to blow her nose.
"Toni…? Did I…? Did I hear you right? Kyle called…? Umm… He called you… Uhh… That?" Alex asked hesitantly and sounding uncharacteristically embarrassed.
"Yeah… Yeah, he did," she nearly whispered in reply.
"Okay… Well… Umm… When it's your first time…" He tried to explain as comfortingly as possible. "It's usually… Umm… You know… Awkward…"
Toni's lip stated to quiver uncontrollably as she shook her head. "Umm… Alex? It… It wasn't…"
He stared at her for a second then recovered badly exclaiming, "Oh! Well… Uhh…"
Toni started crying again then quietly said, "That's why… Because he found out he wasn't… So… He… He called me a slut and said that I wasn't even that good and told me never to talk to him again."
"Well he's an idiot," Alex replied with the utmost confidence as he pulled her close to him. "And he doesn't deserve you Annie."
Toni slapped Alex's chest as she grumbled into it, "Don't call me that."
Alex laughed softly against her hair before kissing it and then he just continued to hold her tight. Soon Toni's tears started to dry and her breathing evened out, but she let her brother continue to hold her none the less.
"So…" She started as she pushed back off of Alex's chest. "You… You don't think that I'm a…? A…? You know…? A whore?"
As he dried her cheeks with a tissue, Alex shook his head answering, "No Chiclet, I don't… But…? He…? He didn't…? Pressure you and then throw that in your face, did he?"
"No… He didn't… We went to Prom together and I know you're supposed to do 'it' with your date… But then when we were talking about where we were thinking about going to school in the fall, he freaked out and told me I better not follow him to Indiana…" Toni spoke rapidly while she fought back a new surge of tears then just stared at Alex as they fell silent.
"Okay… Whoa! Indiana? I thought…"
"It was an option," she cut in defensively while avoiding eye contact. "They offered me a partial scholarship and it would be closer to here and mom and the Colonel… But you're right… I already accepted Stanford's offer… I just told him that it had been an option that I had considered…"
Alex lifted her chin then said, "Good because I think California will be really good for you… Well a good change of scenery for you… And maybe while you'll meet some guys that will actually appreciate you for who you are."
"Guys…? Like plural?" Toni questioned skeptically.
"Damn straight I mean GUYS… PLURAL," Alex replied with a soft laugh. "You take your time and find that one guy that actually deserves to be given your heart. Hell he might not even be in California, so you can just have fun… But not TOO much fun since Will and I won't be around to double check on you as much as we can right now."
"So… You mean I should like date guys? Huh… I've never… I mean I've always…"
"I know. You've always fallen head over heels and gone steady with the first schmeeb you've met wherever we've moved," Alex teased. "But you don't have to do that Toni, you never have… You can do… I mean BE whatever you want to be. New place, new you, remember?"
"Yeah…" She agreed slowly.
"And no more tears for this moron, what's-his-face, alright?"
"Alex..." Toni whined with another light slap to his chest. "Okay… New me and no more tears," she finally agreed as she took in a deep, still choppy breath.
"Hey," her brother asserted lovingly. "You don't need a guy like that in your life." Toni nodded then tried to give him a strong smile. "So…? Where are Mom and Dad tonight?"
Toni gave her snotty nose a swipe with the back of her arm then blew it loudly into a tissue she had grabbed out of the box. "Out at some benefit to raise money for some disease."
Alex flashed her a playful grin then proposed, "So I got my new stereo system… And there's a new Sonic that opened up just off base…"
Toni hugged her midsection tightly and didn't answer him but gave him a look of uncertainty on her face, so he added with a mock annoyed tone, "Okay… Fine… I'll even buy."
Toni sniffled then hugged his neck answering sincerely, "Thanks Alex… You're the best."
He hugged her and took in a deep breath to steady himself then tried to joke his way out of this awkward (and overly sincere) moment. All that he could come up with on the spot was his old stand-by insult, but he still went with it, "Anytime Annie."
"Alex! God! I HATE it when you call me that!" She nearly shouted as she punched him in the shoulder and made sure it was hard enough that it would leave a bruise.
"Hey?" He countered with mock innocence. "Is it my fault you were being such a girl?"
Toni glared at him then replied, "You owe me so much more than a milkshake now… Yeah... My truck could use an oil change, you know?"
Five months after her mother's funeral, Toni had finally gotten back into some semblance of a routine at school. Her relationship with her father had become nothing but tense after her mother had passed and it only seemed to get worse the more that she tried to help him. Toni had tried to go back home for holidays and part of her summer break to spend time with her parents and her brothers, but now she was more than happy to stay at school for summer semester to make up for the time she had lost during her mourning period for her mother.
Vanessa had found them a great one bedroom with den apartment just off campus that they turned into a two bedroom for the summer, so Toni was able to feel somewhat relaxed in her new home. When she wasn't at class, Toni would rush back to the apartment to hide away from anyone that knew her pretty well because she didn't want to have to talk about what had happened because anytime she talked about her mom, all she wanted to do was breakdown and cry. That wasn't something that she could do right now because she really needed to focus on her school work. She needed to get back on track fast if she was going to accomplish her goals and realize her dream on her predetermined schedule.
When she heard a knock on the door, Toni was tempted just to ignore it because she figured that it was someone for Vanessa since she hadn't given their new address out to many people. (They were only going to be there for the summer, so she didn't really see the point.) After each knock, she sighed indignantly and silently cursed them and willed the 'intruder' to go away.
The visitor seemed to have known that there was someone in the apartment because they didn't let up. When Toni finally heard their greeting she froze completely in her place on the couch.
"Miss McNamara! US Army! Open up!"
Toni tried to force herself off the couch, but her body and mind were completely disconnected at the moment.
"Military Police!" He announced sounding increasingly frustrated.
Toni still couldn't move, but she did manage to hoarsely call out, "It's unlocked!"
He opened the door then entered the apartment cautiously. By the time he found Toni, she was crying silently in anticipation of the news that she was certain he was about to deliver.
The majority of the time, 'they' tried to send someone that wasn't intimately connected to the family so that they could keep the announcement from becoming overly emotional, but when he saw the name "MCNAMARA" Corporal McCord insisted on delivering the new himself.
It took a couple of minutes of awkward silence before Toni finally turned her eyes towards him. Her mouth went completely dry but she somehow managed to ask through her tears, "Darren…? Fuck… Who…? Which…?"
He sat down beside Toni and took her hands in his solemnly replying, "I'm so sorry Toni… It's Alex."
She immediately broke down into loud sobs, so he wrapped her in a hug and continued to explain, "Colonel McNamara… Uhh… Your Father… He's taken care of all of the arrangements… They're going to bury him beside your Mother… The… The funeral is in three days…"
Toni sat back, took in a deep breath and set her shoulders before she stood up and announced, "I need to start packing... Thank you for letting me know."
The Corporal remained seated on the couch and was about to offer her a few more words of condolence, but then he remembered that this was Toni McNamara that he was dealing with… If she didn't ask for his help then he was better off not pushing her into a corner by being overly protective right now because she would most likely lash out at him.
Instead he just stood up, left the telegram with an envelope on the table and slowly placed his hat on his head replying, "If you need anything, I'm just a phone call away."
Toni nodded and started to turn away as he added, "Even when you get back, I'm here for you Toni."
She then turned back to him, took a couple of steps and hugged him briefly saying, "Thanks, I appreciate it Darren… But for now… I just… I need to get going."
After he left, she quickly packed bag so that she could make her trip out East. She had a few outfits at her parents'… The Colonel's house that she could wear for the funeral and burial, so she only worried about having the bare necessities and figured that she could always buy anything that she might have forgotten. In her haste to hit the road, Toni forgot to write Vanessa a note, but she had left the unopened telegram on the coffee table and then when she did realize her mistake, she made sure to call and leave her friend a voicemail with a quick explanation about her road trip.
Toni couldn't help but drive through the night to get back to her Father's house because her nervous energy wouldn't allow her to sleep. When she pulled up to the house, she wasn't the least bit surprised to see William's rental car already parked in the driveway. As she parked her truck, the realization of why she was finally reuniting with him after too many months hit her and she broke down into chocking sobs in the driver's seat of Alex's old truck.
Before she had a chance to calm herself down, William opened the driver's side door and pulled her into a hug. With all of the stress her body had encountered over the previous six months, Toni's weight had dropped significantly (Vanessa had pointedly commented on it more than once) so her brother was able to easily lift her slight frame out of the truck. Toni didn't speak as she wrapped her arms around his neck and continued to cry against his shoulder.
"I know Toni… I know," he repeated with a shaky voice. "We'll unpack his... Your... The truck later."
He carried her into the living room then sat on the couch with her securely in his lap. As she cried, he pet the back of her head and whispered words of comfort into her ear the best that he could when all he wanted to do was breakdown crying just like she was right now.
"How?" She finally whispered as she sat back to look at his face. "What happened to…?"
"Chiclet, he was in Afghanistan… There's a lot of people there that don't like or want our help," he explained as he wiped away some of the moisture on her cheeks with his palms. "But wee can get into all of the details later, okay?"
She nodded then tucked her head under her brother's chin. As she hugged him tightly she quietly said, "I've missed you so much Will."
He matched the intensity of Toni's embrace as he replied, "Me too Chiclet, me too."
They sat there just holding each other in silence until Toni quietly asked, "So what happens now?"
Will kissed her head then explained, "Same as with Mom… But I think it'll be a bit smaller scale this time." Toni nodded against his chest, but didn't release him from her tight grip in anyway. "Plus…" He added somewhat playfully.
Toni finally sat back and threw him a confused look. "Plus I put a bottle of scotch in the freezer when I got here…"
She smiled sadly in response and then molded herself against his chest again saying, "Thanks Will, but that can wait. Right now I just want to make sure that you're here with me."
Will inhaled sharply as tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. "I'm here Toni, I'm here," he finally answered with an undeniable hitch in his voice.
Just as Will had promised her, everything for Alex's memorial ran along the same lines as their Mother's ceremonies. Toni was able to make it through all of it because it felt familiar. Plus she had her brother, William, there with her. Any time she felt like she might falter, he was suddenly standing there beside her. She even cracked a smile when she noticed that he wasn't just offering her his moral support, William was also making sure that her glass was never empty as she sipped her whiskey.
Once the last well-wisher had left, Will joined Toni on the couch in the house's living room. She leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her to keep her close.
"Almost done Chiclet," he whispered before kissing her temple as their Father entered the room.
"No Mister Benton, I think that all of us are ever to get this finished as soon as possible," the Colonel explained as he entered the room with another man.
Toni quickly moved away from her brother so that their Father wouldn't yell at them for being too soft right now. As the Colonel focused on pouring himself another drink he explained to them, "This is Mister Benton, I'm sure that you two remember him. He's going to go over Alexander's Will with us."
William overheard his sister's tiny sob, so he quickly asked a question to cover for her crying, "Sir? Do we have to go over it right now? I mean… We've all had a really long day and all."
The Colonel drained his drink and was pouring another as he tersely answered, "Maybe we all have, but Mister Benton is a very busy man and he's here now… So maybe the rest of us can think about someone other than ourselves right now?"
William was going to continue to argue, but Toni stopped him by squeezing his hand tightly before she conceded saying, "You're right Colonel. And thank you Mister Benton for taking time out of your day to explain it all to us. We do appreciate it Sir."
The lawyer looked between the three of them uncomfortably then smiled at the youngest of the McNamara Clan when he saw that she was trying her best to put on a brave face and smile for him.
"I'm more than happy to do it," he finally replied as he took a seat in front of the two grieving siblings where they sat on the couch.
"Dad…? Sir…? Are you sure we shouldn't have her stay here with you…? Us…? Even for a little bit longer?" William asked quietly as he watched Toni empty everything out of her old truck so that she could put it into the pickup that their eldest brother had willed to her.
The Colonel cracked open a new bottle of vodka and slurred out his unimpressed reply, "Why? Why should she stay? You've already got her truck sold… Why else should she stay here?"
William stared at him in stunned disbelief, but he kept his further commentary to himself. He then turned on his heels and hurried outside to catch Toni at the front door while she was carrying what should be the last load out to her new truck. Once that load was secure in the back of the cab, she turned back to the house and frowned sadly at her brother.
"You drive safe, okay Chiclet?" He stated against her forehead while he gave her one more lingering hug.
She nodded then looked up to his face saying, "I always do. You be safe too up in the Pacific Northwest Will."
"Just try and stop me," he teased with a wink.
Toni was searching through the fridge when her phone started ringing. She actually smiled to herself when she realized that she could run to grab it without wanting or needing to curl into the fetal position from the pain that she would have felt only a few short days ago.
"Hey Sam!" She answered enthusiastically. "Did you guys find something?"
Sam chuckled softly before answering, "Yeah we did… And we're on our way back right now, so you can put away the research on the Phoenix, alright? But keep looking into Purgatory."
"Really?" She questioned while looking at the notebook she had been filling with information about the creature that more resembled the dragons Sam and Dean had fought than the mythical bird she had heard about for years. "Okay… Yeah, I guess I can focus on Purgatory again."