I Wanna Take the Weight:
"Oh come on Toni, you don't even have to buy a new outfit or anything… You can just borrow something of mine… I swear," Vanessa nearly pleaded as she tried to keep up with her roommate's rapid pace on the busy sidewalk back to their dorm room. "And… And you wouldn't even have to stay late…"
Toni juggled the pile of text and notebooks in her arms replying with an unsure, "I don't know Vee… I still…"
"But you can leave early! Just… Just make an appearance with me… Please? I'll even spend the night a Brandon's so that you can work on your paper afterwards," Vanessa cut in hoping that she could wear Toni down with her persistent arguments.
The books in Toni's arms shifted so much that she was forced to stop so that she could reposition them in order to keep them from falling to the ground. Vanessa took that as her opportunity to pester her roommate with an unending chorus of, "Please? Pretty, pretty please?" Toni groaned at feeling her resolve start to break and found that she couldn't handle looking at her best friend when she finally did cave in to Vanessa's demands.
Toni took in a deep breath, but before she uttered a word, her eyes focused on something about a block down the walkway and she dropped every book that she had been holding at her feet. Toni did manage to mutter an almost inaudible "Oh… My… God…" before she took off running down the sidewalk at full speed, leaving Vanessa in her spot just staring at the mess that had formerly been known as Toni's (oh so) important research.
He was just standing in his place feeling increasingly frustrated as he consulted his map of the campus yet again. He was fairly certain that he had found the right parking lot this time, but he couldn't for the life of him find the sign that Toni had told him to look out for to signal that he was at the building that housed her dorm room. He shook out the map, grunting with pure agitation and was just about to crumple it up and throw it in the garbage so that he could pull out his phone and admit defeat by calling Toni when he thought he heard someone call out his name.
He only had a split second to drop his duffle bag while simultaneously bending his knees to crouch slightly in order to brace himself before Toni launched herself off the ground and landed in his arms. She circled her legs around his waist and pulled herself as close to his body as possible by wrapping her arms around his neck.
He had to chuckle at the fact that he managed not to fall over backwards under her momentum as she said into his neck, "You're here! You're here! You're really really here!"
Vanessa watched Toni in a stunned silence because Toni ran faster than Vanessa had ever witnessed in the past towards some guy she didn't recall ever seeing on campus. Once Toni was in the mystery man's arms, Vanessa eyes wandered to her feet and she groaned loudly thinking I guess I'll be cleaning up this mess then.
She begrudgingly went to her knees and started to gather up the loose leaf papers that had scattered every which way when one of Toni's binders opened on impact with the concrete sidewalk. Once she thought that she had them all gathered up, Vanessa tried to straighten them enough to put them back into the three rings of Toni's binder. At first she had tried to check that the papers were all in numeric order, but only a third of them were actually numbered, so she hoped that Toni would be satisfied enough that she had been able to find all of the pages even if they were in a random order.
"Coming to the party is the LEAST she can do to thank me now," Vanessa grumbled quietly to herself as she forced the pages over the rings of the binder.
"Vanessa? Did…? Did you say something?" A kind male voice questioned from her left side.
Her helper had all but one of Toni's textbooks in a neat pile on the grass and was passing her a stack of papers he had gathered from the boulevard as she replied, "Oh… Sorry… It isn't important. Really don't worry about it… But thanks for your help Sam."
He took her by the hands to help her to her feet and passed her half of the book load saying, "It's no problem, I'm happy to help." He then bent down and picked up the rest of Toni's books. Once he was standing, he threw the reunion happening down the block a sad look and then swallowed hard before asking, "So…? Uhh… Vanessa…? Who's…? Who's that guy that Toni's with?"
Vanessa shook her head and didn't try to hide her dismay as she answered, "I have no idea… Maybe a guy she knew in high school?" She paused then caught a glimpse of the sad look on his face and tried her best to tease him saying, "Either way I think that you might have some competition for her affection there Sam."
Toni made herself comfortable on her brother's back after he slipped his duffle bag back onto his shoulder asking with a giggle, "Sorry… Are you okay with giving me a piggy-back Alex?"
He chuckled replying, "I'm good Chiclet. I just finished a training stint in the desert… I don't think that you weigh quite as much as my survival backpack… But you know Freshman Fifteen and all…"
"Al-Ex," Toni sighed out with exasperation as she slapped his chest before almost tearfully whining, "Play nice."
He laughed louder then tugged her forearm a little too forcefully. Toni quietly shrieked and he teased her by repentantly saying, "Sorry Chiclet, I needed to double check that you were actually still up there." He then caught a glimpse of the scene Toni had left behind and recognized the binder Toni had been using since the eighth grad asking, "So? Who's tall, dark and handsome over there with your roommate cleaning up the books you just dumped on the ground?"
Toni didn't question her brother knowing what Vanessa looked like because she had shown him some of the programs from Vanessa's plays and pictures of the two of them together, but it did take her a couple of minutes to figure out who else he was referring to. Once she had the answer, she squeezed her arms around his neck to give him a hug then replied almost dreamily, "Oh… That's Sam."
"Sam?" He questioned with a tease. "And Sam would be like your…? Boyfriend?"
Toni kicked one of her feet and her heel landed hard into his gut just above his belt buckle. Alex huffed out a large "Oomph", but never broke his stride before cautioning, "Hey! Watch it there sister!"
Toni moved her face closer to his ear so no one would have a chance to overhear her as she threatened him in a low, severe tone, "Keep it up big brother and I'll make sure you'll be limping for a week with little to no chance of fathering grandchildren for the parental units. You know that I don't have a boyfriend like I used to back… Home."
"TONI! Seriously? You keep saying that this paper is SO important and then you just dump everything on the ground? What the hell?" Vanessa called out once the McNamara's were closer to where Toni had dropped all of school work.
Toni released her hold around Alex's waist and as she dangled from around his neck she cautioned with almost the same severity as before, "Behave Big Brother or I SWEAR you'll live to regret it."
Alex didn't get a chance to reply because Sam was hesitantly passing Toni her textbooks saying, "I… I think that… Uhh Vanessa got the rest of your notes for you too…"
Toni was still smiling brightly as she tugged Alex forward and passed him the books that Sam had in his outstretched hands. "Thanks so much guys! Alex come here… Take these… OH… And I want you to meet my roommate…" Vanessa cleared her throat loudly with an annoyed scowl on her face. "And best friend Vanessa and this is Sam… He's my Crim study-buddy."
Alex shifted the pile of books into the crook of his left arm so that he could extend his right hand towards the two people he was being introduced to as Toni tried to finish, "Vee… Sam… This is Alex…"
As he turned to shake Sam's hand, Vanessa caught a flash of the name "MCNAMARA" across his Army issue duffle bag in black block letters and she couldn't help herself from excitedly exclaiming, "Your brother? This is really the Alex McNamara? Your big brother Alex?"
Toni chuckled with a shrug as she reclaimed her books from her roommate almost shyly replying, "Shh Vanessa! He might get the wrong idea and think that I've been talking him up or something if you say shit like that."
"Hey!" Alex objected half-heartedly as he hooked an arm around his sister's neck saying, "I'm shocked! Where on Earth did you learn such filthy language like that young lady?"
"I learned it from you Dipshit!" Toni replied while socking her brother in the stomach hard enough for him to release her with a genuine look of pain.
Alex straightened himself out then chuckled saying, "Damn, you got me there. So…? I've finally found this place and I'm starving, who's up for some lunch?"
Vanessa and Sam watched the brother and sister interaction with cautious smiles on their faces while Toni enthusiastically replied to Vanessa and Sam, "I am! Let's dump these off at our dorm room and then lunch is on Alex!" He gave her a wounded pout causing Toni to quirk an eyebrow while saying, "You owe me Alexander… Do I need to remind you about Nicole?"
Alex quickly wrapped an arm around his sister's shoulders saying, "Right! Lunch is most definitely on me… Who's hungry?"
Toni somehow convinced everyone that their local college pub would be the best place to go even if Alex wasn't afforded a chance to change out of his Army fatigues. Once the four of them were settled in a booth and had their meals ordered, Alex pushed a few bills across the table pleading, "Annie…?"
Toni kicked Alex full force, no holds barred, under the table in the shin resulting in her brother whimpering loudly before he managed to compose himself so that he could more politely question, "Toni, my loving little sister, could you please go over to the jukebox and save us all by putting on some good music? Pretty please Chiclet?"
Vanessa instantly noticed the intense look that wanted to make its home on Toni's brow and hoped that she was going to be able to diffuse the situation or at least keep it from getting worse by offering, "That looks like a good chunk of change Toni, why don't I help you find something the boys will like?"
"Sure… Thanks Vee… We'll be back in a few," Toni slowly stated without taking her eyes off her brother.
He easily heard her silent threat of "You fuck this up with Sam and I'll see to it that you never get laid again" even if the other two people at the table only saw her steely glare. Once the two ladies had moved away from the table, Alex noticed a distinctive shift in Sam's demeanor and he didn't think that it was only because he was Toni's older brother.
"Your family in the service?"
Sam stared at Alex for a second before he found his voice so that he could answer, "My Dad was in the Corps before I was born."
Alex could sense Sam's unwillingness to completely relax and he stole a quick glance at his sister when he thought that he had everything figured out. "It's hard to get that training out of your head… Always yelling orders… How many miles did your dad make you run before class when you were in high school?" Sam's eyes grew wide and shot up to Alex's face as if Alex had revealed a secret that Sam had thought he had hidden away from everyone. Alex chuckled at Sam's reaction then added, "Will and I had to do at least three miles… Toni was only expected to do two because she's a girl… But let me guess, she still runs at least three miles five times a week, right?"
"At least," Sam replied with a soft laugh and visibly relaxing in his place. "But that's only when she isn't completely stressed out trying to keep her grade point average up."
Alex smiled behind his beer commenting (mostly to himself), "That's my little sis."
Alex was somewhat surprised that he was able to convince Vanessa to not only give up her bed for the night (she didn't let on that she had planned to sleep elsewhere already), but he also had her agree to attending "The Party of the Semester" without the youngest of the McNamara clan as well. Alex and Toni each took their turn in the bathroom and then they settled on their sides just staring at each other in the dark. Even though they could hear each other breathing, neither of them seemed to be willing to be the first one to break through the calm that had settled between them.
Toni laid there just listening to the in and out motion of her brother's breath and when she could tell that Alex wasn't sleeping, she asked the darkness, "So? What do you think of them?"
Alex rolled onto his back even though Toni couldn't possibly see the dramatic pause or the tenting of his fingers over his chest, she could feel it as he replied, "I can see why you and Vanessa get along so well and why she's so important to you… She definitely keeps you from being a total nerd." Toni huffed indignantly as she rolled over so that her back was facing her brother. She knew that he couldn't see her rejection, but she still felt triumphant none the less by her act of defiance. "And Sam… Well… Chiclet he seems…"
Toni forgot about her hostility and flipped over so she was facing her bed that Alex was sleeping in for the night saying over him, "He's awesome, right? He's really helped me see the grey areas of the life instead of just the black and white. Makes seeing things from all sides SO much easier. It's just like how Kory's helped mw understand my Statistics courses… I swear I would be failing right now if it wasn't for Kory's help… OH! And! Yo hablo Español! Well thanks to Javier I don't sound like a total idiot in class… Oh and Max… He's being telling me some cool stuff about the different types of law to practice…"
Alex unconsciously curled his body into a soft ball before attempting to ask (while somewhat regretting everything that he had ever said to his sister about love and relationships), "And these GUYS…?" He cringed at his emphasis on the word 'guys'.
"They're friends of mine that I met here at school. We hang out, study together… You know…?" Toni instinctively shrunk back in the dark then added, "I'm not using sex to make them help me with my school work or anything Alex if that's what you think. I'm not a complete Bimbo… Hell I haven't even slept with Max…"
Alex was beyond grateful that the room was too dark for Toni to see him as he squeezed his eyes shut so he could force his tone to remain steady as he replied, "It's not that Toni… I just… I'm just… I'm glad that you've been able to make some good… Umm… Friends here at school."
The word 'friends' seemed to carry more than a little weight behind it than Toni had thought Alex had meant to, but she let it slide, at least for tonight. She was just want to be happy that it was the weekend and that she had caught up on all of her class work so that she would have one full day that she could spend with her brother and really didn't want to fight with him at all. Even after she heard his soft snore in the distance, Toni remained awake with excitement while she planned out the activities she could do if Alex was feeling up for it on Sunday morning.
After their mother's funeral, Alex volunteered to drive Toni back to school. He had managed to extend his leave by a couple of weeks, more so due to their father's rank in the military than it did with the nature of the traumatic events with their family, and he was more than happy to spend that extra time comforting his sister. Will had planned on meeting them in California so that the three of them could properly mourn together, but he got an urgent message from his base and Toni insisted that he go back to Everett immediately in ordered to keep himself from getting into any trouble.
During the ride back to Stanford, Toni alternated between crying quietly against her arm and sleeping, but absolutely refused to eat whenever he stopped. Alex was able to get her to drink, so he tried sneaking in some vitamins and other nutrients that way, but he still worried about Toni's potential for losing a significant amount of weight and becoming ill. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to stay with her at school forever to monitor her eating habits, so every time he stopped to gas up, he called Vanessa to update her and to enlist her help with taking care of his sister. She was more than happy to promise to do whatever she could and even made herself scarce before they returned to the dorm to keep from overwhelming her distraught roommate upon her return to school.
Even though she was weak and her limbs felt heavy, Toni insisted on walking to her dorm on her own with no assistance from her brother. Alex followed closely behind her with both of their bags on his shoulder, watching her in case she stumbled at all. He kept his commentary to a minimum because the truth of the matter as that he had no idea what he should say to her right now. He felt the same pain that she felt and he knew that nothing anyone could say could ease his heartache, so he didn't try to pretend that he could magically make her pain disappear either.
They had returned to the campus during the day and both of them were more than grateful that the hallways en route to Toni's room were pretty much deserted. She had been able to compose herself enough to keep from crying as she walked from her truck to her room, but there was no hiding her pink puffy eyes that screamed out to the world that she was in pain. She hesitated slightly at the door and then she took a deep breath and pushed it open. Alex followed while breathing out a sigh of relief that he instantly regretted because as soon as the door was closed, Toni broke down completely again.
Alex dropped their bags then scooped Toni up into his arms and on her bed with her held in his protective embrace on his lap. He rocked her gently while whispering against her hair, "We're going to make it through this Toni... I promise you that we will Chiclet, we'll make it..."
She took a couple of shaky breaths then quietly asked, "Alex…? Would…? Would you be mad if I said that I wanted to take a nap?"
He couldn't help himself and chuckled as he replied, "Not at all Chiclet. I'm fine with whatever you need."
They both got off the bed at the same time then separated to opposite sides of the room. Alex busied himself with their bags until he heard Toni shudder loudly before succumbing to a new onslaught of tears. When he turned around to check on her, he gasped out a quiet "Shit" as he watched her fall to her knees in front of her dresser, nearly smacking her forehead on the open drawer. He quickly fell to his knees as well to pull her against his chest so that he could try to console her. She didn't turn to hug him like she normally had in similar situations in their past, so Alex forced himself to open his eyes to see why that change may have happened.
Toni didn't really seem to notice that her brother was still in the room, let alone holding her, until Alex tried to gently pry the t-shirt she was holding with a white knuckle grip out of her hands. Her sobs were instantly silenced when her eyes finally locked with his concerned gaze, but her grip didn't seem to loosen at all.
"I… I… I thought that… Umm… That I gave him back all of his stuff," she explained while holding up the oversized men's t-shirt as if Alex would completely understand what she meant just by showing him the garment.
This time when Alex tried to take it from her, Toni let him without protest as he asked, "Chiclet? Is…? Who's…?"
"Sam's," she answered through a whisper while diverting her gaze.
Seeing her reaction to the shirt still being in her room with her other clothing told Alex that his sister was no longer 'with' that 'not boyfriend' anymore and he didn't dare ask her for any confirmation. Instead he just picked her up and put her on her bed. She rolled over onto her side to face him as Alex knelt down beside her bed and took one of her hands in both of his and kissed her knuckles gently.
They stayed like that for a few minutes and then tears started to silently roll down Toni's cheeks as if she wasn't even aware it was happening.
"Alex? You know how they say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"
He rose up on his knees so that he could dry her cheeks with one of the many tissues that he had stuffed into his pockets before their journey answering, "Yeah Chiclet I know that saying. Why do you ask?"
She took the tissue from Alex without making it seem like she wanted to push him away so that she could blow her nose and then she more forcefully said, "Well whoever said it is an idiot because that's all fucking bullshit. I wish that I had never met him now. They couldn't have lost anyone that they truly loved because it hurts too fucking much to believe that." Alex had no idea how to respond to what Toni was saying so he remained silent and tried not to move so that he wouldn't spook her. "He… He met someone else… They're happy and in love… They'll live happily ever after together… Whatever… It doesn't really matter," Toni finished almost defensively before she rolled over and started crying silently until she fell into a deep sleep.
The next day neither of them brought up the revelation that Toni made when they first got back to campus. Alex stuffed Sam's shirt into his bag while Toni was sleeping without telling her as his way of showing his silent support to her. He even went to his grave with the secret that his sister had confessed about giving her heart to a man that she thought that she could never share a life with in the future, but he always regretted not telling Toni to just forget everything that he had spouted off about when it came to relationships and to just tell Sam the truth about her feelings.
Toni remained stationed in the chairs that the doctor's had led her to after she had helped them to complete Sam and Dean's admission's paperwork. She balled up Sam's jacket in her lap and willed herself not to cry as she held it to her face to breathe in his scent because she knew if she broke down now that she wouldn't be able to recover quickly. The doctor wasn't able to give her much information about her fiancée (Toni had slipped on the engagement ring she had inherited from her brother before going into the hospital hoping that it would make it easier for her to get information about Sam and possibly Dean's conditions), but the doctor did promise to come and find her when and if he had any updates.
With Sam's jacket now held tightly in both hands in her lap, Toni bowed her head and closed her eyes then silently prayed, Lord… Thank you… Thank you so much for giving me a chance to finally have a relationship with my Dad and for finally finding the courage to be honest with Sam about my true feelings for him. But Lord…? I know that this might sound really selfish, but… I can't… I don't want to let him go… So please… Please don't take Sam away from me again, not when I just got him back. Please? I'm not ready to be…
She didn't quite get to finish her prayer because someone tapped her gently on her shoulder. At first she was more than tempted to just ignore whoever it was to finish her one sided conversation with God, but then she realized that it could be a doctor with an update so she slowly raised her head and opened hers eyes while trying to control the look on her face to look less scared than she felt.
"Bobby…? Is…? Is that really you?"
The older hunter smirked at the look of disbelief on Toni's face causing her to blush a bright shade of red before sheepishly saying, "Sorry… Sorry. But in my defense, I don't think that I've ever seen you without your hat on… Or in a suit… You look very handsome."
Bobby's smirk morphed into a devilish grin as he replied, "Well I always try my best not to make the boys look bad, especially in front of a beautiful woman… But speaking of… Do you know where they've taken Sam to?"
Toni's nodded then bit her lip until she was certain that she could answer his question without crying and could keep an even tone, "They were able to stitch up the gash on his head easily enough in the Emergency Room and then they took him upstairs for a CT scan and some other tests. They seem pretty concerned because he's still unconscious, but… Oh damn… I don't know what floor they were going to."
Bobby offered her a sympathetic smile when he could tell that she was trying her best to maintain a brave front in spite of the pain that was evident in her eyes. A tear escaped out of one of her eyes and he quickly brushed it away from his thumb then replied, "Alright, I'll head up there to get him then… Now, I need you to go to your truck and had out to our rendezvous point. If we aren't there in twenty minutes, you leave, get as far as you can and don't look back, understood?"
"But…" Toni started to protest before she was instantly stopped by the look in Bobby's eye. "I mean… Okay, yes sir. Twenty minutes then I fall back…"
He then helped her to her feet, but completely refrained from hugging her right now because he wanted her to be able to maintain her stoic exterior and was worried that that kind of intimacy would cause her to break at this moment in time. She squeezed one of his hands as a silent plea for him to stay safe and to save Sam then turned to leave before her resolve could crumble under her sadness. Bobby watched her walking away and shook his head knowing that the hardest part of his day wasn't even close to being over, but he felt relieved that she hadn't fought him about her leaving all the same.
Toni got a few feet away from him before she stopped abruptly and turned all the way around to face him again. Bobby prepared himself for a new argument, but Toni just quietly asked, "Uhh… What about Dean…? Do you…?"
He smiled then replied, "Don't worry about him. He's on his way out right now."
She just nodded softly then forced herself to turn and leave again. Bobby stayed in his spot to watch her and make sure that she followed his wishes without any further delays. As she continued down the hallway, Toni put on Sam's jacket and hugged her arms around herself without pausing at all as she walked. For a brief moment Bobby thought that she was finally going to break down in the middle of the hallway, but to his pleasant surprise as she continued down her path it actually looked like she was finding new strength by wearing Sam's clothing.
It took all of Toni's strength of will not to check the clock every two minutes to see if Bobby's twenty minute time limit was up yet or not. She slowly turned her wrist knowing full well that the ten minute mark had passes what felt like a lifetime ago just to see if her worst fears had been realized. Once her watch face was turned, she hesitantly opened her eye without even noticing that she had been holding her breath. As her eyes moved to check the time something in her side view mirror caught her eyes and completely distracted her from looking at her watch.
She crouched down low behind the steering wheel, tucking her knees under the steering column until she was sure that she wouldn't be visible to any cars that would pass on the road. Without taking her eyes off the mirror, Toni slowly snaked her right hand between the two front seats and behind the passenger seat to retrieve her handgun from the pouch on its seat back. Once she had a firm grip on it, she extracted the firearm at an almost excruciatingly slow pace to hopefully keep from alerting anyone in an approaching vehicle of her presence. The image in the mirror was still so small that it was basically a blur, so Toni decided to reposition herself so that she could move herself into a more natural position in the driver seat. She watched the approaching vehicle out the corner of her eye as she sat up and reclined her seat back to lay down against it as if she was just having an afternoon nap. From this vantage point she could cross her arms over her stomach to hide her gun and lower her lids to make it look like she was sleeping while also being able to keep both eyes on the mirror.
When the vehicle came into view Toni pushed out the breath that she had been holding during her repositioning through her lips like a hiss. She didn't sit up, but she did relax a bit thinking that the ambulance was going to just pass by her truck. She waited for it to pass with her eyes closed, reminding herself to take in slow cleansing breaths, but when she didn't hear it drive by, she sat up straight and turned in her seat to look for it on the street.
"What the fuck?" She questioned to herself as she watched it straightening out on the shoulder of the road behind her truck and parking.
The driver's side door opened and Toni felt herself instantly go on high alert. She expected to see the legs of someone in a standard issue Paramedic's uniform, but instead she saw the legs of someone, most likely a male, in a somewhat crisp looking charcoal grey suit.
"What…? The…?" Toni started to slowly question again until the driver closed the door.
She took in a long slow breath to calm herself and then she slowly opened her own door to ease out of her truck. The driver didn't seem to be at all concerned about her or her pickup, so Toni kept her gun hidden, but quickened her pace so that she could catch him before he could make his way over to the passenger side. Luckily for her, she was used to keeping pace with men nearly a foot taller than herself, so she was able to cover the ground between the two vehicles fast enough to catch him.
Toni grabbed his left arm and spun him with her gun poised for a clear shot between the eyes once he was finally facing her. She didn't lower her firearm but she did gasp out a surprised, "Bobby? Shit… Fuck… An ambulance? You couldn't find a more conspicuous getaway car?"
Bobby rolled his eyes then motioned to his intended end point with his free arm answering with an overly tired sigh, "Just go and make sure that Dean doesn't fall on his face while I go and try to get Sam into your truck, okay?"
Toni desperately wanted to ask how Sam was doing, but Bobby just turned to walk to the rear of the ambulance so she slipped the gun into her belt before running over to meet up with Dan. When she got to the open door, she completely overlooked the crutches to stare wide eyed and open mouthed at the bone white, thigh high cast on Dean's leg.
With her eyes solely trained on the plaster engulfing Dean's right leg, Toni quietly exclaimed, "Oh… My… God…"
"Wow… But no… You can still just call me Dean," he teased as he struggled with the crutches as he closed the door.
Hearing the door slam shut seemed to help Toni to snap back to reality before she said, "Yeah… Yeah, you're fine. But here… Let me grab this door for you."
Toni let Dean stumble and fight to walk upright from the ambulance to the passenger's seat in her truck before she offered any further assistance to him. He didn't so much as ask for any specific help as Toni just held the door open and grabbed the crutches from him, but Dean didn't offer any objections at all. Once he was working to make himself more comfortable, Toni could see the raw pain on Dean's face and she wasn't quite sure how she should react. She wanted to keep from making everything from becoming too overly "touchy feely" and awkward, plus she and Dean never seemed to be able to speak at the same frequency, so she just moved to the back of the truck with the crutches to toss them in one of the lock boxes before checking on Bobby's progress with Sam. Toni was mostly just hoping that if she kept busy that she would keep herself from saying the wrong thing right now or from making an off color joke that would make things worse.
The passenger's side door of Toni's pickup closed easily, hiding Dean away from everyone and Toni couldn't help but smile and sigh that at least he was somewhat safe. One down she thought to herself as she tried to keep from thinking of how horrible it had been to see Sam unconscious on the cot at Bobby's house after all of them had gone up against Castiel and tried to stop the deluded angel just before he was possessed by the souls from Purgatory. He had looked so peaceful and vulnerable at the same time and she wasn't sure if she was ready to see him like that again so soon.
Her eyes travelled from her truck back to the ambulance and then she thought she had come up with an idea. She ran to the driver's side to slip behind the wheel and turned over the engine before Dean became aware of her presence. He didn't seem to think much about her being behind the wheel until the truck started moving.
"Toni?" She didn't seem to hear him, so Dean grabbed her right arm then more insistently said, "Toni! We can't just leave them behind! I can't let you run away again right now. You can't desert them here."
After she completed the U-Turn, Toni stopped her truck then scowled at Dean answering, "I'm not running away Dean. I just thought that it would be easier to move the truck to Sam than it would be to wheel him over there. God… Is…? Is that what you really think of me?"
She didn't wait for his answer before getting out and stomping towards Bobby. He looked over at her smiling as he praised, "That's a brilliant idea Toni. But why don't you pull it over closer for us?"
Toni shook her head and climbed through the open door of the ambulance saying, "No… I'll start packing up some of these medical supplies while you pull it around…" She balled her hands into tight fists over and over then hit her thighs adding, "I haven't punched him yet, but I can't promise that I won't if I go back there now."
"Oh… Okay… Supplies… Right, I hadn't thought of that either. Great idea Darling."
He paused to watch her for a moment because Toni wasn't bagging up anything out of the small cupboards that lined the interior walls of the ambulance. Instead she was seated beside Sam's stretcher, holding one of his hands in both of hers while she stared down at him despondently. He felt sort of guilty watching the intimate scene as she leaned over and kissed Sam's forehead, but he couldn't seem to force himself to move. As she sat up, Toni brushed away a tear of hers that had dripped onto Sam's skin then spoke so softly by his ear that Bobby couldn't make out any of the words. She then kissed Sam's hand and stood up to do what she had told Bobby she would do and Bobby finally turned to do the same.
Dean didn't move and still had his eyes squeezed closed when Bobby took a seat behind the wheel, but Dean's apparent pain did nothing to squash Bobby's rage as he asked, "What the hell did you say to that girl in the two minutes that you were alone together?"
The younger hunter rolled his head on the back of the seat to look at Bobby but he couldn't manage to give the other man anything but a blank look. "Don't you dare give me that innocent, I did nothing wrong look Dean. I don't know Toni as well as I know you and Sam, but it don't take a genius to know that you said something to royally piss her off, so out with it! What did you say to her?"
Bobby now had the truck parked so that he and Toni could easily maneuver Sam's dead weight into the back bench of the truck's cab, but he made no moves to leave his spot. Dean still tried to give Bobby an almost innocent look to which Bobby offered a simple and very annoyed, "Dean?"
"Alright… Alright… I…" Dean replied while completely avoiding eye contact with Bobby by picking at the threads fraying from the slit on his jeans by the cast. "I… I scolded her saying that we couldn't leave you two behind while she ran away again."
"Dean," Bobby sighed while making his name have at least three syllables instead of the usual one quick breath.
"What?"
Bobby slammed the palm of his hand against the steering wheel nearly shouting, "DAMN IT! Damn it all to hell Dean!" The man to his right jumped slightly in his seat at Bobby's outburst, so Bobby tried to take a couple of deep breaths before saying, "How could…? Damn it… Dean look at her! And I mean look real close at what she's doing right this second…"
Dean arched his neck to look into the back of the ambulance as soon as Bobby finished speaking. Toni was holding a plastic back in one hand while she tossed gauze, tape and anything else that she could grab with her one hand into the bag she was holding in her other hand. He wasn't sure what Bobby was hoping he would see so he just sat back in his seat and shrugged without committing to any specific commentary.
Bobby checked over his shoulder and saw Toni doing the same thing, but he knew that he had noticed something about her behavior that Dean had overlooked. Although Toni was trying to fill the bag with anything that she could get her hands on because she thought it would be helpful down the road, she wasn't actually looking at where she was pulling things out of the cupboards. Instead, Toni's eyes only saw Sam. She was keeping her gaze on him as if he might disappear if she wasn't looking at him and would only glance away from him for a millisecond when she had to so that she could open a new cupboard to empty.
"How do you not see it?" Bobby asked almost sounding like he had given up and wasn't even addressing Dean anymore. Dean leaned over and tried his best to see what he was sure that Bobby wanted him to see as the older man tried his best to explain, "Dean how do you not see how much saying something like that would hurt her to hear? Toni has lost everyone that she loved and depended on while she was growing up. And up until earlier this year she he had no one that she could trust her life with, hell she didn't even think that she had any family that she could fall back on. Do you think you might be to relate to that at all?" Dean swallowed hard but Bobby wouldn't be dissuaded by Dean's discomfort while he made his point. "And then Sam and her Dad come back into her life… She's had to work damn hard on rebuilding those relationships… AGAIN does that you remind of anyone?" Dean didn't nod, but Bobby could tell by the chagrinned look on Dean's face that he had pretty much made his point crystal clear. "Good… I'm glad that we're finally on the same page. So now you're going to have to figure out a way to apologize to her Dean." The younger man tried to interrupt so Bobby more forcefully said, "No Dean! She found a way to extend an olive branch to you when she bit your head off so you damn well better think of a way to apologize to her for being such an insensitive ass! Toni loves Sam and if you can't accept that… Well then that's your problem to fix, not hers!"
Before Dean could say anything else, Bobby got out of the truck to help Toni move Sam. They had a brief discussion then Toni climbed out of the Ambulance and Bobby passed her all of the filled bags while he stayed as close as possible to Sam's side. Dean could tell that Toni must have been upset because she didn't just close the doors on the metal locker style doors of the storage unit in the box of her truck; she was slamming them shut causing the whole pickup to shake before she locked them. When she was done banging around in the back, she threw the two driver's side doors open and then slid onto the rear bench seat.
Without turning in his seat, Dean tentatively said, "Hey… Toni…"
She didn't acknowledge him in any way and just leaned over on the seat yelling, "All set Bobby!"
"Toni…" Dean tried again.
"Not… Now… Dean…" She nearly hissed before getting up onto all fours to the backseat. As Bobby started to lift Sam into the truck, Toni's demeanor completely softened as she worriedly said," Be careful Bobby. We don't know how bad all of the damage is yet."
"I swear I'm trying Toni, but he ain't light you know that," Bobby gritted out as he fought with Sam's dead weight.
"I know… I know… I didn't mean it like that Bobby… I'm sorry… Really… Okay, well would it be easier to do this if I got out and helped you?" Toni asked while taking all of the heat out of her tone.
Bobby managed to get most of Sam's torso into the truck before he stopped to reply, "That's alright Toni… I think we can do this if you tug while I push, okay?"
"Ten-four, I can definitely do that."
The two of them struggled for a bit and after a colorful slew of cussing and cursing from Toni, Sam was safe inside the truck with Dean and Toni. Toni shifted around until she was finally comfortable with Sam's head laying in her lap. Before getting behind the wheel, Bobby went back to the ambulance to move it deeper into the long grass in the hopes that they could somewhat cover up their escape route.
Dean sat in an uncomfortable silence while listening to Toni whisper words of love and support to his brother. After taking in a slow, deep breath, he quickly said, "Moving the truck to the ambulance was a really smart move."
"Yeah… I know," Toni replied with nothing but pure distain in her tone.
Dean flinched at her reply as if she had actually hit him, so he thought that he should try a different approach. "What did you mean when you said 'yet'?"
"What? Yet what Dean…? Fuck… Try making some sense once in a while," she snapped to the back of Dean's head.
He knew that he more than deserved her wrath, but Dean also knew that he really needed to know what Toni was talking about to Bobby because it pertained to his brother so he tried his best to soldier through without becoming upset. "You… You said to Bobby that we… We don't know how bad the damage is… Yet… Call me crazy…"
"Asshole," She cut in just barely over a whisper.
"Or that… Anyway… It didn't sound like you meant for us to wait until Sam finally woke up and all… Do you mind me asking what you meant?" He asked while trying to sound as pleasant as possible.
"Yeah… Actually, I DO mind," Toni answered petulantly.
"Mind what?" Bobby inquired as he started the engine.
Toni blushed slightly because she hated being caught during a childish tirade by Bobby (or her father) and sheepishly replied, "I mind explaining myself to him Sir. Could you fill him in on what I reported to you?"
"You mean about Doc?" He clarified while stealing a glance over his shoulder to see Toni as she nodded shallowly. He shook his head because he didn't want to be in the middle of this quarrel, but he had told Toni that he wouldn't force her to make up with Dean until she was ready. Of course he had forgotten that that meant he would be running interference until she'd forgiven the elder Winchester, but it was a price he was willing to pay… For now. "Doc's an old buddy of Toni's brothers. He's and Army Medic that Toni usually goes to when she's on the West Coast and need to be patched up after or during a hunt with no questions asked. While she was waiting for us to get to the rendezvous point, Toni called him and he's going to have all of Sam's X-Rays, CT Scans and other test results sent to him and then he'll get back to her with his findings. He even gave her some tips for treating the laceration on Sam's noggin to keep it from getting infected."
Dean flipped down his visor to use the mirror so that he could look at Toni during Bobby's explanation. She kept her eyes solely on Sam's face the whole time and only took her hands out of his hair to brush away a couple of stray tears that trailed down her cheeks. When Bobby was done, Dean didn't say anything at first so Toni moved her eyes up to look at Bobby to check if she was missing any non-verbal communication between the two conscious males. While she was cautiously moving her gaze, she inadvertently caught Dean's eyes in the visor's mirror. At first Dean thought that the shared look between them would help him to ease the tension between himself and Toni, but after a heartbeat Toni's eyes narrowed into a scarily stern glare. He could tell that this was a grudge that wouldn't be easily forgotten, so he didn't attempt to remedy it right at this moment in time.
Instead of trying to out glare Toni, Dean just tried to show her is genuine relief and worry in his gaze as he said, "Thanks for taking care of that Toni. I really do appreciate it."
As soon as Dean was finished his statement, Toni replied with enough heat in her tone that it could almost physically burn Dean, "DON'T thank me. I didn't fucking do ANYTHING for you. I did that for Sam… So fuck off."
Dean flipped the visor back up against the ceiling of the cab so that he wouldn't have to look at the fire in Toni's eyes anymore and then slumped further down in his seat. Toni curled her body down and over to kiss Sam's forehead before she somehow maneuvered hers and Sam's positions so that he was further up onto her lap allowing her to cuddle closer to his body and use his shoulder as a pillow. Once she was completely settled, she continued to glare at the back of Dean's head but didn't attempt to throw any other ugly words at him.
Bobby covertly checked the rear view mirror to see how Sam was looking, but he couldn't make it past the angry look on Toni's face. He moved his eyes back to the road then sight loudly but kept his comments to himself thinking Balls! This is going to be a long drive.