And The World Has Turned Its Back On You:
"Good afternoon. May I please speak with Antonia McNamara?"
Tom froze in his spot by the coffee machine in his kitchen as he absentmindedly asked, "Pardon?"
"This is the number of the home of Antonia McNamara, is it not?"
"Yes," Tom replied quickly, defensively. After a swift shake of his head the Colonel regained most of his composure and more somberly replied, "Yes this is the home of Toni… Antonia McNamara. Please just give me a moment while I retrieve her to answer the phone for you."
Toni's dad moved slowly towards the TV room where his daughter was currently situated on the couch behind her laptop. He hesitated to interrupt his daughter because she had finally taken her dad's advice and was trying to find a hunt that she could take care of on her own in order to expel some of the excess energy coursing through her veins. After getting back from Portland Toni had become once again laser focused on her research about souls and psychology and seemed to have fallen into a deep depression because she hadn't come up with anything new or helpful, so her dad suggested researching a new topic for a while in the hopes that it would help her to gain a new level of clarity in order to help with her more pressing predicament.
"Antonia? The phone's for you," he announced sounding somewhat unsure as he took a couple of steps into the living room.
Toni turned to face her dad with a questioning scowl on her face causing him to laugh heartily and say, "Sorry he asked for 'Antonia McNamara'… Naturally I assumed that you would know who it was and what it was about so I didn't ask him to elaborate about why he was calling."
Without taking her eyes off of her father, not changing the expression on her face in any way, Toni reached out to retrieve the phone to her left and said suspiciously into its microphone, "This is Antonia McNamara… How may I assist you?"
"Miss McNamara it is a relief to finally get a hold of you. I'm Dr. Kadinsky and I have a Mister Sam Smith here under my care at the Northern Indiana State Hospital for…"
"Sam?" Toni breathed out over part of the doctor's statement. When she realized that the line had gone deathly quiet after her inadvertent interruption Toni added in an embarrassed tone, "I'm sorry Doctor, you were saying?"
Dr. Kadinsky cleared his throat then continued with the same professional tone that Toni had already heard him use, "Right… As I was saying, I have Sam Smith in my care as a result of a non-fatal car accident and he has you listed as one of his few emergency contacts…"
"Right… Of course," Toni replied when the other man started to trail off. SHIT! Shit! But where the fuck is Dean? What the hell were the two of them working on that landed Sam in the hospital and left Dean MIA? She questioned frantically in her mind.
"Alright, so I have been trying to get a hold of Mister Smith's brother but he hasn't been answering his phone or any of my voicemails so I've been forced to try some of my patient's other contacts now that we are prepared to admit him," the doctor explained with an eerily calm, professional tone that Toni had grown used to hearing from doctors all over the country. "Unfortunately Mister Smith doesn't seem to have any of his insurance information with him and since you are one of his only emergency contacts I assumed that you would have this information so that I can finish his paperwork tonight and allow me and my staff to give him the best care we can."
"Insurance?" Toni questioned absentmindedly before shaking her head to remind herself that she really needed to do anything she could to keep herself from falling apart right now. "I… I meant yes I do have Sam's insurance information here somewhere. May I ask what else happened to him to land him in your extended care?"
"From what I understand Sam came into the hospital by ambulance with some minor lacerations and a broken rib after he was struck by a car, but…" the doctor swallowed thickly before he continued which just helped to make Toni feel more anxious. "But that isn't why he has requested to remain under my care."
Toni's hands stilled while rummaging through one of her accordion files in the living room while she asked, "Why has he requested to remain under your care? What department are you the head of Dr. Kadinsky?"
"Psychiatry," he replied simply. "Mister Smith and I feel that it would be beneficial for him to remain under monitored care until he has been able to learn how to deal with the worst of his episodes more effectively."
They each remained silent for a couple of beats until Toni let out a quiet and frustrated, "Fuck me raw."
"I beg your pardon?" The doctor questioned incredulously.
"Oh shit… I… I mean I'm so sorry Doctor, it's… It's just… Well if Sam has finally agreed to stay with you for an undetermined amount of time then things are even worse than I imagined," Toni hastily explained. "But I swear to you that I'm sure that I have the information that you need somewhere around here. Would…? Umm… Would it be alright if I just brought it to you for your records? Would you be able to start treating him before I can get it all to you?"
The doctor let out a soft, almost imperceptible sigh before replying, "Of course that would be fine. With the severity of his condition it would be beyond negligent for me not to continue the treatments we have already started. And thank you for your assistance Miss McNamara."
"It's honestly no problem. If there is anything else I can do to help you in the meantime, please don't hesitate to call."
"I'll be sure to do that."
As Toni replaced the receiver on its base, her dad found a seat to her right and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders to pull her against his side. "It'll be okay dad. He's finally getting some professional help, so at the very least we know that he's safe."
Her dad couldn't help but chuckle because he had been trying to figure out what he could say to try to comfort his daughter in her time of need, but she had effectively beaten him to the punch and was actually trying to comfort him. He placed a soft kiss on her temple and then replied, "That is very true Angel. May I inquire as to where he is being treated right now?"
Toni relaxed against her dad's side saying, "Northern Indiana State Hospital. I just have to get a few things together and then I'll be ready to hit the road and met up with him."
The Colonel followed his daughter into her bedroom during her explanation. He had easily grown used to her fast paced fashion of relaying information to him while she started to pack and he no longer struggled to keep up with her. Without waiting for Toni's prompts, Tom sat down at Toni's desk and started working on her laptop to try to find a suitable place for his daughter to stay while she was checking up on Sam.
"Other than booking you a room, is there anything else that I can do to help you right now Angel?" Tom asked without taking his eyes off the computer's screen.
Neither McNamara took offense to the lack of eye contact between them during their conversation because they were both content to remain focused solely on their tasks. Toni was almost finished packing and waited until she was pretty much done to answer her father.
"Actually there is one other thing I'd really like to ask you to do dad," Toni said from her spot by her dad's side. "The doctor said that he hasn't been able to get a hold of Dean and since I'm going to be driving and all…"
"I'll let Dean know that you're on your way to Sam's side he moment I get a hold of him… And then I'll call you to confirm it all."
"If you'll follow me," Toni heard as she raised her hand to knock on Dr. Kadinsky's door. When she saw the door opening, Toni took a large step back and then pressed her back against the opposite wall.
After the balding doctor turned to continue down the hallway without noticing her presence, Toni took notice of the male trailing behind him and nearly shrieked as she jumped and threw her arms around the new comer's neck. "Dean! You're actually here in the flesh! Thank God… You have no idea how relieved I am to finally see you!"
Dean leaned out of Toni's embrace and honestly tried his best but failed to hide his concern as he quietly replied, "Hey Toni… Are you…?"
"Ms. McNamara, so good to see you again," Dr. Kadinsky stated over the rest of Dean's meek reply. He appeared to remain completely oblivious to what was happening between the male and female in front of him before he smiled and added, "If you need it, I would be more than happy to give you a moment alone with your fiancé's brother…"
It took a couple of breaths for the doctor's offer to register in Toni's brain and when it finally did she chuckled replying, "No… But thank you for the offer Doctor… Dean is probably more than anxious to check in on his brother right now, so… I'll… I mean if you don't mind sir, I'll just wait here for you after you've showed Dean to Sam's room."
The doctor thankfully understood what Toni meant and didn't require her to go into any further explanation before he turned to lead Dean down the hallway after giving her a curt nod in response. Dean remained cemented in his spot and couldn't help himself from taking Toni's hand in his while quietly asking, "Are you sure you don't want to come with us?"
"No," Toni replied shaking her head and avoided making direct eye contact with either of the other males. "No, you should… No… I'm sure. Once you see him Dean, you'll understand why… I… I'll just wait here for you."
Dean gave her a sympathetic smile but before he could attempt to reply Dr. Kadinsky said, "Of course… Why don't you take a seat in my office Ms. McNamara? I should be able to get back to you shortly."
Toni nodded then hurried through the open office door without sparing a glance at the questioning look that Dean was giving her. After giving the doctor the information that he required in order to complete Sam's admission forms, Toni had made sure to spend some time with the doctor going over the details of Sam's condition (sans any mention of the possible supernatural reasons for his psychosis) and the various remedies he was going to employ in an attempt to treat him. The research that Toni had completed had made her knowledgeable enough to pass herself off as a psychology major and the doctor was more than happy to indulge the 'university student'. Toni then made it part of her visits with Sam to stop by the doctor's office in order to go over the changes (or lack thereof) in Sam's condition over the last couple of days.
"Alright now that we have all of the paperwork taken care of and out of the way, would you like to head up to the ward for a visit with your fiancé Ms. McNamara?" Dr. Kadinsky asked as he pushed his chair back from his desk.
Toni stood up and smoothed her hands down the front of her skirt in an effort to keep her hands from shaking too violently as she replied, "Yes sir I would really appreciate being able to see that Sam's alright with my own two eyes. Thank you."
"Alright please just follow me," he offered holding the door to his office open for Toni to exit through en route to the locked ward.
Toni followed the doctor silently through the hallways and kept her eyes securely fixed to his back or her feet as they walked. Even though her heart was racing and it felt like it was going to jack-hammer its way out of her chest, Toni was able to maintain a calm demeanor by using a few of the breathing techniques that her mother had taught her when she was a teenager. When she moved her eyes from the doctor's back to her hands, Toni immediately noticed that they were still shaking violently so she clasped them behind her back and she once again focused her full attention on the seem that was running down the length of Dr. Kadinsky's white lab coat on his back.
Dr. Kadinsky stopped in front of a closed door and motioned to the window with his chin saying, "You're welcome to stay as long as you need to, but please don't leave the room. I'm hoping that Mister Smith's sedatives will start working soon and that he might actually get some sleep and keeping him in his room could be imperative to achieving that goal."
"Yes sir… I understand," Toni replied in a meek tone. "I'll do my best to make sure that he at least tries to get some sleep."
The doctor turned to walk away but stopped when he saw Toni lingering nervously beside the door. He walked back over to her side and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. When Toni turned to face him, he gave her a sympathetic smile and an encouraging squeeze on her shoulder.
"Even if you can't get him to rest, it's fine. Just enjoy your time with him as best you can. Plus you being here to support him will be a great help to him as well I'm sure."
Toni nodded then whispered, "Yes sir. Thank you."
After taking in a long, deep breath, Toni finally forced herself to turn the knob on the door. She then pushed it open at an excruciatingly slow pace. Sam watched the door with a wary eye and his expression didn't change once Toni was through the doorway. She gave him a tight smile and then turned her back on him. As she heard the handle click shut, Toni took in yet another deep breath and straightened her stance while squaring her shoulders in an effort to properly compose herself before trying to face Sam once again.
Neither Sam nor Toni said anything while her back was facing him. Sam was beyond worried that her presence was actually just another figment of his imagination that his subconscious had conjured up just like the presence of Lucifer. Toni had initially held her tongue when she entered the room because she hadn't been prepared to see Sam look so exhausted and withdrawn, but she remained silent because she wasn't sure what she should say to him right now.
"Hey," Toni called out as she made her approach to Sam's side.
Sam watched her nervously tuck her hair behind her right ear and opened his mouth to speak when he heard, "Look at her Sammy. So this is the skanky piece of ass that you can't get off your mind. I'm pretty sure that I approve."
Hearing the cheery voice of the fallen angel caused Sam to slam his eyes shut as he turned his face away from his girlfriend. Toni watched him and tears sprung up into her eyes but she tried her best to keep them at bay by taking in a few quick, deep breaths. Since Sam was keeping his eyes squeezed shut, Toni took some time to scrutinize the physical damage his body had incurred since the last time that she has seen him. She ignored the bandage on his left hand because she already knew what she would find under there and instead focused her attention on his face.
"Sam," she sighed softly as she reached out to gently touch the abrasions that were scattered around his left eye. Sam visibly flinched so Toni quickly retracted her hand and once again tried to keep from touching him. "I know… Well you're probably sick of being asked this, but how are you feeling Sam?"
"Exhausted… Tired… Done," Sam replied in a hollow sounding tone that Toni didn't recognize.
Since Toni didn't reply Sam opened one eye to see if his hallucination of Toni had left or not. When he saw her still standing there, he looked beyond her and his eyes flew wide open to see Lucifer still seated on the desk by the door. Lucifer shrugged and smirked saying, "She seems pretty worried about you Sammy, so you might want to save some of those Mooney eyes for her… Not that I don't appreciate them."
Sam then turned his attention back to Toni and sounded like he was seeing her for the first time when he asked, "Toni?"
"Yeah Sam, I'm here," she answered just barely able to hold back her tears. She stepped forward and tentatively reached out to touch his face once again. Sam didn't try to move away from her touch this time, so Toni gently cupped his cheek and forced herself to relax slightly. "These look like they're healing pretty well." She ran her hand down his arm and picked up his bandaged hand. "Did this re-open too?"
Nodding Sam kept his eyes on his hand that Toni was cradling gently in both of her hands. "Yeah it did, but there's still no sign of any infections at all."
"That's good to hear," Toni replied while trying to give him an encouraging smile. Toni then placed his hand back in his lap so that she could step close enough to the bed that her knees were pressed against the mattress. She gently pet Sam's hair and then leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Is Lucifer here in the room right now?" Sam nodded. "Is he somewhere behind me?"
Sam nodded once again causing Toni to wrap her arms around him in an awkward hug. She rested her cheek against Sam's head and he tried to relax in her embrace. Sam moved to wrap an arm around Toni's waist but hesitated slightly when his forearm brushed against the skin on her legs just below the hem of her skirt because he wasn't used to her dressing this way.
"Anything you need Sam," she whispered against his hair. "You just name it and it's yours, okay? Anything."
"She does know that anything she says to you that I can hear it, right?" Sam went completely rigid in Toni's arms and instinctively knew that Lucifer had moved closer to the two of them. "Good thing she's easy on the eyes since she doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb of the bunch. Plus… She IS pretty good in the sack too, right Sammy boy?"
"Toni…" Sam attempted to protest against Toni's tender touch.
She quickly interrupted him with a kiss and then she rested her forehead against his left temple whispering, "Shh… You don't have to say anything right now… Just… I'm here, okay?"
"Okay," Sam agreed as he forced himself to relax in Toni's arms once again.
After a couple of moments of silence, Toni finally moved her face to kiss the scabs that were around Sam's eyes before moving her lips down to his cheek. Sam remained almost completely compliant, but when Toni reached his lips he didn't move to kiss her back. She didn't seem to be fazed by that at all and maneuvered herself so that she was sitting on his thighs with her legs on either side of his waist. Sam kept his eyes closed while Toni held his face gently in both of her hands and just allowed her to do whatever she wanted to do to his body.
Toni started to run the tip of her index finger over his eyebrows and Sam seemed to relax even further under her touch, but then he jumped slightly when he heard Lucifer chuckle heartily then said, "Wow I didn't know that I would be in for such a show tonight. Maybe I should go get some popcorn first."
"Ow… Sam… You're hurting me," Toni quietly stated over the fallen angel's laughter.
Sam's eyes flew open and immediately landed on his hands that were gripping Toni's thighs under her skirt with a bruising force. He then eased up on his grip and turned his eyes away from the desk to Toni's face. She could tell by the nearly wild look in his eyes that Sam was worried that he had upset her, so she shook her head with a soft smile on her face while she ran her hands up and down his arms to try to comfort her boyfriend.
To further placate Sam, Toni made sure that her voice remained soft and calm as she asked, "What did he just say to you to put you so much on edge?"
"He…" Sam cautiously answered because he was so shocked that Toni wasn't getting explosively angry with him for hurting her without him having to offer some kind of sexual favors to make up for his faux pas. "He told me that we should wait until he's able to get some popcorn before we continue and put on a show for him."
"Oh Sam," Toni exclaimed sympathetically as she hugged him around the neck. Sam's hands moved to her waist so that he could hold her more comfortably. Toni kissed his neck then whispered huskily, "Well if he wants a show, I say that we give him one that he'll never forget and then maybe he'll finally leave us the fuck alone."
Toni quirked a playful and challenging eyebrow at Sam just before she leaned in to reclaim his lips in a bruising kiss. Sam was reluctant to reciprocate but found it hard to resist when Toni started to pause to periodically plead, "Sam… Sammy… Please… Please Sam… Just… Please…"
The desperation in her voice completely overrode any trepidation he had felt and then Sam started ravishing Toni's mouth with a renewed vigor. He felt her smile through their kisses and his hips bucked when she moaned deeply in the back of her throat while he continued to own her mouth and run his hands over her torso.
"Sammy… Sammy… Sammy…" He heard against his ear as Toni's sultry voice slowly morphed into Lucifer's mocking tone.
Hearing the fallen angel's voice caused Sam to throw his head back with enough force that it hit the wall with a very loud thud. He quickly opened his eyes and was beyond mortified to see that instead of having a beautiful, petit brunette straddling his lap, he instead had a towering male's form seated in his lap. Lucifer chucked, shrugged and then made a move as if he was going to try to kiss Sam once again, but Sam quickly twisted his body and very unceremoniously fell to the floor and off the bed.
Sam scrambled away from the bed's frame doing a clumsy crabwalk until his back hit the desk chair's legs. As Lucifer stood up from the bed he slowly morphed back into looking like Toni once again. She looked like she was on the verge of tears and just remained standing at the side of the bed not trying to do or say anything to try to stop Sam's hasty retreat.
As they watched each other apprehensively when Sam suddenly felt a hand clamp down on his left shoulder. Sam's head whipped around only to see Lucifer smiling at him brightly before he cheekily stated, "It really was her all that time Sammy. I don't really like you THAT way so the kissing? Yeah that was her but you made it me in your head…"
Sam quickly looked back towards Toni when he felt her gently tug his chin to try to get him to look at her. "Sam? Are you okay? Here… Let me look at your hand… You landed on it pretty hard and I'm worried that… Come on Sammy… Let me at least try to take care of you."
She knelt down beside him and moved to pick up his hand, but Sam suddenly snatched it away from her muttering, "No… No… You're not real… You aren't actually here…"
Toni stood up abruptly and backed away from Sam where he was seated with his face press to his knees. No longer able to hold them at bay, tears started streaming down Toni's cheeks. She reached out a hand towards Sam, but forced it to drop to her side before she could touch him for fear that he would once again accuse her of just being an illusion.
"I'm sorry," Toni whispered before she turned and rushed out of the room.
"Oh no! Sam I think you hurt her feelings I guess that means that you're in the doghouse now," Lucifer mocked from his perch on the desk.
Toni tried to calm down and slow her tears as she made her way down the hall to get as far away as she could from Sam's room. She had the head of psychiatry of this hospital convinced that she was studying to work in the field of psychology so she didn't want him to see how deeply she was affected by Sam's current condition. But her sobs proved to be more than persistent and she soon found it hard to breathe making her wish that she could just crumple into a ball in the hallway.
In an effort to get a hold on her emotions, Toni stopped and leaned against the hallway's wall. While she was doubled over with her head almost between her knees, Toni felt someone touch her back and then she heard Dr. Kadinsky say, "Why don't you come to my office so that we can get you a drink of water?"
Toni could only nod in response and then she allowed herself to be lead back to the doctor's office. Once they arrived there she sat in the chair he offered and accepted a box of tissues as well as a glass of room temperature water with as grateful a smile that she could muster.
Once Toni was able to get her tears completely under control, the doctor gave her a sympathetic smile and said, "It's always harder on us when we see it happening to a family member. Don't take this experience as meaning that you aren't ready for this line of work. No one should be unaffected by seeing their loved on in such a state. In fact I think I would be more concerned if you weren't, alright?"
Toni blew her nose then sat up straight and very evenly replied, "Thank you for understanding Dr. Kadinsky. So? What can you tell me about the treatments you've already tried for Sam? And what do you have planned for him next if those continue to not be effective?"
"Hey! Watch the paint job!" Dean called out with a good-natured chuckle as he jostled Toni out of her day dream.
Toni laughed and remained in her spot on the hood of the two door, black vintage muscle car that Dean was currently driving. When he was close enough to hear Toni without her having to shout she replied, "Because I'm sure it's actual owner is going to be thrilled to see the damage that's been done to its wiring..." Dean tried not to laugh causing Toni to add, "Hey! It isn't like I'm defiling your precious Impala or anything, so... Yeah..."
Dean did laugh at the comment as he found a seat beside Toni on the hood of the car. "That's true. But then again you and I would be having more than just mere words if I caught you doing anything that could potentially harm my Baby."
Toni threw her head back and issued a hearty laugh. She was still giggling softly when she turned to look at Dean. "What?" She asked through another chuckle. "Oh come on Dean. Even you have to admit that you have an unhealthy bond with that car of yours. You know... You might want to talk to a professional about that obsession..." As soon as the words hit her ears, Toni grimaced then sorrowfully said, "Shit... I... I didn't mean... I'm... Fuck I'm sorry."
"Hey... Hey!" Dean called out as he jumped to his feet and ran to wrap Toni in a tight hug. Dean knew that Toni would relax against his hold unless she didn't feel like being comforted right now (which would mean that she would swiftly push him away) and he smiled as she slumped slightly in his embrace. He then felt his muscles go somewhat lax as he said against Toni's hair, "In any other context that would have been a pretty funny joke."
Toni choked slightly on her tears before she tried to laugh and reply but found her words failed her temporarily. She sniffled once then sounded so deadly serious that it caused a shiver to run down Dean's back when she asked, "So...? What are we going to do to help cure Sam?"
"I have a few ideas," Dean replied as he took a small step away from her after he released her from his tight grip.
Toni dried her cheeks with her sleeves and then tried making eye contact with Dean. "Oh yeah? There wouldn't be anything that I could help you with, would there?"
Dean smiled that patted her shoulder before simply saying, "Of course there is."
Dean was still on the phone when Toni got back to the cabin. She avoided making direct eye contact with him because she could tell by the look on his face that he was no closer to finding any viable solutions now than he was when Toni left to do their grocery shopping. As she loaded the beer into the fridge, Toni heard Dean huff out an angry breath and then he scribbled something down on a notepad. From the sounds of his movements Toni could tell that Dean was getting increasingly frustrated as every minute passed, so she tried her best not to draw any attention to herself.
As Toni made her way to the other side of the table where he was stationed, Dean got up, tossed a journal onto another table and retrieved a beer from the fridge. They both remained in their spots as they silently watched the journal fall to the floor. Since Toni was closer to it, she picked up the journal and a business card that had fallen out of it. Without giving it a second thought or a moment of hesitation, Toni walked over to Dean to hand it to him.
Dean read over both sides of the card and found a cell number on the back. Toni left him to call the person and made her way to one of the bedrooms. She hadn't been doing anything other than researching and taking care of the domestic duties around the cabin, but suddenly she felt so completely exhausted that she thought she might fall asleep at the table if she was to open a book and try to find anything helpful to them.
After a short nap Toni was feeling a bit more rested and not that much more alert, so she was focused on making dinner and was only half listening to Dean's telephone conversation. Her interest and attention did pique when she heard Dean say, "Yeah I hear ya. So what's her address?"
Just as Dean was hanging up his phone, Toni rejoined him at the table with a beer and a plate of food in hand. He gave her an appreciative smile when she placed both in front of him. She then sat opposite him and waited for him to fill her in on his latest findings.
Dean didn't seem to notice that Toni was patiently waiting for him to speak because he automatically pushed his notepad aside to start eating. She cleared her throat purposefully to try to get his attention. When that didn't work, she finally asked, "So was that a legit lead?"
"Yeah," Dean answered around his mouthful of food. After he swallowed that down he explained, "Yeah turns out the guy whose number was on the back of that card knows of a healer... Hell the guy even got his eye fixed by this healer, so I figure it's definitely worth looking into at the very least."
Toni pulled Dean's laptop towards herself asking, "Okay. What's the name of this healer and where do they live?"
"Shouldn't you be eating something too?"
"Not hungry," Toni replied curtly. "So while you eat I'll get started on the preliminary background stuff. Name and location are?"
Dean looked like he was going to continue to argue with her so Toni gave him a look that told him that in no uncertain terms was this a good time to try to argue with her. It seemed to work because he finally (albeit somewhat reluctantly) passed her his notepad. She dragged the pad closer to herself so that she could read:
DAPHNE ALLEN
1859 NAPIER AVE
WESTMINSTER, CO
303 555 0820
"And Daphne is our supposed healer?" Toni questioned skeptically while typing out that information on the computer and without moving her eyes to make eye contact with Dean. "She's..."
"The wife of the healer. His name is Emmanuel," Dean interrupted. He gave his meal a lingering look and then moved his chair to Toni's side. When he saw the information Toni had uncovered in her online search Dean couldn't help but to exclaim, "Holy shit! How did you find out all of that in under five minutes?"
Toni shrugged, still scrolling through the information and nonchalantly replied, "If you're willing to pay the user fees and have a P.I. license then you too could have access to this fun-filled database."
Dean forced himself tow turn his eyes to Toni's face as he asked in a mildly awestruck voice, "And you have your P.I. license?"
Toni continued to keep her eyes either on the computer screen or the notepad on which she was continuously jotting information down while she distractedly replied, "Yeah I got it after trying to work a job for a friend in Idaho a while back. I haven't gotten it renewed or anything but turns out you just need the one valid certificate number to get started and this website will let you long onto for as long as you continue to pay the annual user fee."
"What...? Really?" Dean breathed out before he could properly regain his faculties. "I mean that's all kinds of awesome. So looks like Daphne got married to an Emmanuel not too long ago. Guess that's some validation of Mackey's claims... How 'bout we pack up our shit and head out at first light?"
"No," Toni answered sounding more coherent and focused than she had previously during this conversation causing Dean to pause in his spot between the table and the hallway to the room where his clothes and weapons were housed.
"Toni... I..." Dean tried to reply but his words seemed to have gotten lost in his confusion at her response.
Toni didn't move from her spot, but she did sound more confident when she said, "No Dean, I don't think it would be wise for me to go with you... It would probably be best if I stay out of the way and just do the online searches for you."
She hadn't noticed Dean inching closer to her so Toni actually did jump in her chair when his hand touched her shoulder. After she realized what she had done, Toni forced herself to relax as she continued, "Seriously Dean it would be for the best if you go there solo... But I can still linger... Linger in the... The background to... To be... Be your... Your back up... Well of sorts..."
Dean could tell by the way Toni's speech was broken up and choppy that she was trying her hardest not to break down into tears so he forced himself not to wrap her in a comforting hug as he said, "That's sounds okay Toni. Seriously... Having you at my back makes me feel safer than working with just about anyone else."
They held each other's gaze up until the second that Toni's tears spilled down her cheeks and she sobbed loudly. Dean rocked awkwardly from foot to foot where he stood because he wasn't sure that he could touch Toni at all while she seem to be breaking down completely, even though his first instinct was to do whatever he could to comfort her.
Toni looked up from her hand that had been holding her face as she tried to sniffle back some of the remaining tears, but she didn't seem to be able to control or stop the flow of tears. As much as Dean wanted to just silence Toni's well placed tears, he halted his hands as they reached out to her and allowed Toni to take full control over any of their physical or vocal interactions from here on out in the hopes that she would open up to him about what was causing her such distress (beyond the obvious because Toni hadn't allowed Dean to see her be more than slightly upset about Sam's condition, even though she did tell him about the break down the first day she visited Sam and he believed that she was a hallucination).
After a few moments of intense silence, Dean heard Toni's unsure voice call out, "Dean?" He then reached out a hand to try to offer Toni some measure of comfort which seemed to give her some confidence causing her to more forcefully say, "Dean I'm okay. I mean I know this isn't an ideal situation for you to go into, but Sam really needs us to try anything right now... Sorry but I just can't... I mean... What if this Emmanuel guy can't fix the damage? What if...?
"Then we'll try something else. I'm not going to give up hope that there's something out there to fix my brother," Dean interrupted with a false sense of conviction as he took a seat beside her once again.
Toni nodded and dried the tracks of tears on her cheeks saying, "And I don't want to lose faith either, honestly I don't... And I'll try my best not to..." She took in a deep breath and pushed it out loudly through her lips. "So just as a precaution, why don't I stay here to keep looking into these other leads that you've found...? You know, just in case?"
Dean wanted to argue with Toni that he would prefer to have her with him in case things went sideways with Emmanuel, but in all honesty he did see the logic behind her thinking. Plus he worried about Toni's emotional state and feared that it would cloud her judgment which in turn would split his focus greatly and that too could be more harmful than anything else. In essence he felt like he was damned if he took her and damned if he didn't.
"Yeah... Alright," he reluctantly agreed. "And this way you can use your fancy little database to look up anyone new that I meet along the way."
Toni gave Dean a teary grin as she chuckled saying, "Yeah that too. Hey... Why don't I put together a food care package for you while you pack?"
Dean stopped in the doorway to the hall and looked over his shoulder replying, "That'd be perfect. Thanks Toni."