13.
When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
~ William Shakespeare
I didn't feel any better, honestly how could you feel any better when you've seen the things I've seen. However the worst of it has now started to come in episodes, fewer and fewer as time goes on- I'm my normal self for a while until the next one takes place. Then I rocking on the floor clutching my head, willing the voices to go away.
I know the only reason I feel better is because Oak is helping me. Somehow she makes everything better, she's my window back to reality. The sound of her sweet voice soothes me, when all the other voices in my head are pulling me down, deep into their dark oblivion. I know that when she is no longer here the pain will swallow me whole and pull me down into the deep, hopefully I go before something like that happens.
There have been no deaths in the past few days if anyone was wondering. The night sky stayed clear and dark, the never ending stars twinkling overhead, I imagine the faces of all the lost ones in my past, all the tributes gone forever. I imagine them shining down at me through the stars, making the face of heaven so fine that I have grown to love the night rather than the sun. For the sun is too bright for my troubled heart and eyes, and brings on memories too dark- they attract the sun like black fabric and bring them on even more. Will I never escape from this world? Will I never escape from this pain? Will the endless cycle continue as I struggle in vain?
Will life never leave me? Could I never be at peace? Is the world around me too sorrowful, the heavens above to sweet? Is my soul to dark to be welcomed- am I doomed in dark despair? Is this punishment above all others? If so, the Capitol has fared.
Finnick. Death. Finnick. Death.
Which one is better for me, which one do I desire more? It is no longer a choice between life and death, but a choice between love and war.
"Here in the forest, dark and deep I offer you, eternal sleep. Out in the sun your darkness rises and like opposites they attract side by side. Into the willows and out across the see. Which one do I chose, sleep or he?" I whisper to the air, a song like no other. It should be called 'Annie' because it describes perfectly the turmoil inside.
"Here in the forest dark and deep I offer you eternal sleep" I whisper "eternal sleep, one day he shall join me".
I stand up from my sleeping bag and eye Oak asleep beside me. Her head against her pillow and furrowed face smooth and clear. I know she will miss me, but I'm a burden she does not deserve. She deserves to win and I won't stand in her way. Time to make my way to eternal night, where only the stars can guide me. The little cloud above my head, so vivid and grey right now. Is bursting with the storm of my death, for it suspects it's near no doubt.
"I'm sorry" I say not only to Oak but Finnick too. I hope he understands my choice, knows I could never live like this. I wont be his burden either, nor does he deserve to put up with me.
"Goodbye" I kiss Oak on the cheek before slinking away into the trees. I hope she's the one who makes it home. Not me, it was never going to be me and I knew it all along.
Hope really is a powerful thing. It masks reality in a way even I didn't suspect.
The trees are dark like my soul, the light from the moon and stars guide me through the forest. I don't know where I'm going or where I want to end up but I feel the need to just go. I hope I run into Spring, she might be decent enough to make my death quick, I don't think the careers would be so kind. The undergrowth around me is dark as night, a rustle here and there takes place, I know the mutts generally stray farther to my right and I make sure to travel as straight as possible. Mutts wouldn't really gerente a quick death.
I know I could kill myself, drive a knife through my heart. I can't bring myself to do it, I know I'm strong enough- it would be easiest. However I don't for Finnick, he doesn't need to see that. It would break him to see me die, even more to see me give up. I feel guilty that I'm doing this but he deserves better than me anyway- he'll move on eventually.
Hopefuly.
I whistle the soft tune of my song as I walk. The forest continues on as always, as steady and dark as ever before. I ignore the pain all night, my feet hurt, my head hurts. The voices. I just push myself forward until light.
Dawn breaks over the treeline, the bright orange sun rising slowly into the sky- casting colours of orange, pink, purple and yellow across the morning sky. I say goodbye to night as beams of light reflect around me.
The sun beats down on my jacket but I keep it on. Maybe it will keep the horrible images inside, the horrible things the light brings.
I reach the edge of the trees and step into the meadow. The sun causes the grass to shine golden in the sunlight, butterflies and small animals flutter over the flowers and prowl the grass. Looming in the distance is the dam. Rising looming from the ground, casting a shadow over the dark floor.
The darkness draws me near- a reflection of my soul and my heart. The shadow creeps farther across the meadow, as it does my heart.
"Come away little lamb, come away to the darkness" I sing and sprint off into the meadow. A small breeze causes my long loose hair to flow out behind me and I skip and dance across the smooth golden grass. I throw aside my pack, and strip of my jacket as I run. I let my loose t-shirt stream out behind me as I leave my things lying on the grass. Every breath hurts. I don't stop.
I run away like a deer runs from a wolf. "We are coming for you" I scream and twirl around on the spot. I laugh, I howl and I know I'm crazy. But I'm free, and I know soon in heaven I can dance around as well. I feel like I am defining the Capitol by singing and having a good time.
I reach the shadow casted by the dam and I skip past the pedestals. District 12 blowing up right before my eyes. I cast the image into the fire, and I feel better. A stray machete is lying on the ground. Ivan, his head swims in front of my eyes. I take an imaginary eraser and erase the image from my eyes. And like wind it blows from my mind, out into the sun around me.
I climb the side of the mountain. I scrape my knees, my hands, my feet. It doesn't hurt. Laughter how strange.
I stand on the rock facing the dam. I throw my arms out and creep to the edge of the water. I close my eyes and let the sunlight dance across from behind my eyelids. I feel the wind in my eyes, blowing across my outstretched arms and I smile. It's like I can fly, fly away from my problems.
As the sun climbs back into the ground and the moon comes out to play I look up at the stars. They twinkle down at me and I close my eyes again. Lodging the memory into my brain.
"When I die I want to dissolve into a million drops of water. I shall make the sea of heaven so fine that everyone will be in love with the life. And pay no worship to the earth around them for they will always love the sea and the sun. "
I let go. I fall forward feeling the wind in my hair. I know now that this is the place for me to be- and as I fall through the air I am not scared but excited. A new and better life is waiting for me, and I am finally brave enough to face it.
A/N: Romeo and Juliet faze. The last quote was kinda mix off it. Hope you liked this chapter, I know it was a little weird. But Annie is a little weird now so I thought it worked. I know I haven't posted in a while, I was in Cuba so I couldn't write for a while. Hope you don't mind and keep R & R ing. Thanks so much for the support, this chapter is for everyone of you.
Songs used in book and I listened to while writing this.
Team: Lorde
Royals: Lorde
365 days: ZZ Ward
Unwell: Matchbox Twenty
Red Hands: Walk Off The Earth
Pompeii: Bastille
Stars: Grace Potter
Sail: AWOLNATION
Into the Ocean: Blue October
Human: Christina Perri
Come Away To The Water: Maroon 5 (Hunger Games Album)
Brave: Sara Bareilles
All amazing songs :) listen to them! Thanks again ~Laura xxxxx