During the next days leading up to the end of the school year, Lily had somehow managed to accommodate quite well. Or as well as one could adapt to such a strange situation. Luckily she had escaped most of her current worries while swiftly dodging and keeping a low profile. That resulted in spending most of her new-found time alone sitting in the back, wandering the halls all by herself and avoiding her fellow Gryffindors. At least, she told herself, she tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. Mary and the other girls seemed to be concerned but until now they hadn't pushed the issue for which she was eternally grateful. 'But', her inner voice resurfacing during long periods of self-doubt and loneliness loudly proclaimed, 'this couldn't go on forever.'
Wasn't this supposed to be her second chance, a miracle granted by some unknown force of magic or whatnot to correct her mistakes? To safe all she held and still holds dear? To simply be happy in the future?
'I should be happy', her legs appeared to move all by themselves and while quickly skimming her timetable she nervously danced from one foot to the other….
... Potions.
Something inside her screamed and kicked so hard she had trouble thinking. Her heart was all but bursting and the situation once again came into a total standstill.
Everytime she was confronted with someone from her past, all of them caught up in a fortunate bubble of oblivious unawareness, her thoughts basically froze. Lily, despite her knowing better, hated those moments, hated even her friends for simply being past replicas of the people she once knew but most of all she hated being alone.
And now, right in this moment, she desperately hated herself for being too cowardly to go to class. Potions and Ancient Runes were a complete nightmare due to the fact, that she could dodge most of her fellow lions without too much trouble but escaping the dark, genuinely worried glance of a certain Slytherin was unbearable. She simply didn't know what she should do when she faced Severus Snape. Heck, she hadn't even returned his notes all the while thinking it would be too awkward not to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Same with James and his friends. She just didn't know.
...
Taking a deep breath, Lily scanned her surroundings and although it was not the act of bravery her house might be known for, she decided to seek answers and improve her situation. With renewed purpose, she strolled along the corridors heading towards the school library. Mme Pince wondrously ignored her presence, either she merely didn't know the student was supposed to be in class or she straight up didn't care. Lily just continued looking through the rows, grabbing a few books here and there, heading towards a different isle and finally dumping a stack of books that should make a Ravenclaw happy onto the most secluded table she could find. After all, ditching today's Potions class was enough reason someone might be looking for her and right now she needed all the time she could get. Time.
'The Almighty Father - Children of Time and Fate''The Mystifying Magic in Missing Moments''Cronus Creavi''Dead Magic of the Moment – Zeitgeist''The Ghostly Guide Beyond the Graveyard' …
Nothing straight up spelled out the answer she was looking for but a start was a start nonetheless. Time, she noted, was probably the most nebulous subject known to mankind. And the wizarding world was certainly no exception. There were stories of time travellers trying to undo their respectable past mistakes only ending up in the same place they had started. Or worse. They ended up dead.
'Funny how that would be the same result in my case.', skimming through yet another passage in yet another vaguely helpful looking book, Lily caught herself facing a dire, and still most significant fact. According to all of her piled up sources, the paradox created by her future knowledge could not be conquered, altered or even magically wished away. Even magic had to follow its own reasons and laws regarding the purpose of possibility. Sure, it helped overcome certain obstacles muggles never achieved by the same means, but there were limits no less. Love and death in particular. Power and its limitations leading up to the very nature of man and life by itself - spiralling out of her ability to understand.
She sighed pushing the stack of books nearest to her a few inches away.
Her situation was simply unheard of, at least according to Hogwart's library. A paradox. That's what she was. Or is. Or will be. How can she be here, remembering years of living a genuine life while not retaining memories of having been in this situation before? Where was her past self? Why was she forced to experience the same things all over again if nothing could be done anyway?
In the blink of an eye, all her movement stopped. 'Well', she mused, 'I never had a nightmare about loosing my baby boy during fourth year and Mary was certainly not looking for opportunities to question me about my odd behaviour. In fact, there never was any odd behaviour to begin with. I'd never secluded myself. I'd never been all by myself and I'd certainly never skipped any of my classes.'
In that moment she dared not to breathe and with eyes wide open there was nothingness caging her whole body. The unnatural tight buzzing sound that shortly started to grow from somewhere deep inside her, helped her to return to the land of the breathing as she would have mused a few days later. An Eureka moment. Only greater and much more powerful.
There was something she could do and in fact she had already done so, without the proper intent - but still!
Though, the strangely silent, all engulfing feeling of joy quickly subdued, there was still no one willing to believe her. Time was after all a force ignotus. A great unknown.
Briefly she wondered if Dumbledore would indulge her in her strange story of disbelief. But, as stated by many witnessing accounts in the book titled 'The Danger of Tempus: A Life-Thread threatened by Future Passing the Present' all notable people proclaiming to have travelled the road of time were either crazy, ending up as constant patients in St. Mungos, or totally crazy, ending up dead one way or the other. None of these options really appealed to her.
The minutes flew by and without realizing the growing numbers of students passing the isles of the library, a few throwing confused glances her way, Lily had formulated a plan. Or some sort of outline she would follow during the next days, weeks and years. Events that were important needed to be changed, all the while coming in quite handy as evidence for her case. The headmaster had always been very understanding and helpful towards his students. The fact that she was once trusted to be a part of the future 'Order of the Phoenix' should also be helpful for her bewildering plight. Summed up, she decided to contact the headmaster at the right moment, when all else seems lost and when her quest for a better future could not be endangered by her own selfish will to life. Though, her thoughts drifted towards Harry and the green light, some things were simply more important to her and a happy James carrying his beautiful son on his shoulders was somehow still the highest priority and thus her main focus.
Quickly grabbing some parchment and her quill, Lily compiled a list, using some secrecy charms she had perfected while working for the Order, in order to hide her future knowledge. She wasn't an idiot after all.
Her first point of focus was, of course, James. He needed to be kept safe and the best way to guarantee his safety was naturaly by her side. Their relationship was in dire need to strenghten and if her memory served her right, he was already heavily infatuated with her by this point. She just had to move their romantic entanglement along. The fact, that she was actually quite a few years older than he, in mind at least, bothered her only slightly. His support would prove to be a great help, just like it had been during their shortlived marriage. The only problem was that she still had to actually talk to this version of James.
Nibbling on her lower lip, Lily wrote down the name of her former and future husband and while reconstructing Harry's face in her mind, she circled it with a heart. In that moment she also realised that Harry might not be the same baby she had conceived the first time around. Unless the paradox-existence she was forced to live proved to be void and all of her changes would lead up to the same results. Fearing that her thoughts might lead her to another standstill, she quickly drew a thick line and wrote down the names of her baby and that of James' parents.
Charles and Dorea had unfortunaltely been bedridden throughout their last years and the death of Mrs Potter during Lily's seventh year had hit James especially hard so she wanted to avoid their too early demise. Quickly she added, Dragon Pox, the sorce of their weakened state, next to their names and also thought of her parents.
Her father had died in 1980 because of a heart attack while her mother had unfortunaltely poisened herself when she had tried to use the old coal oven in the living room. 'With the right preperation and warnings, those unnecessray loses could be anulled.', determined Lily tried to fight the grief that resurfaced everytime she thought of her parents and tried to convince herself that all would be well this time around. Right now, her family was alive, supportive and simply enjoying their respective lives. 'Best I write them a letter as soon as I can.', she swiftly added her thought to the outline of important dates and opened another branch of people she needed to consider. James' friends.
First there was Sirius. 'Is he looking after Harry in my time now? Or does he only attend our funerals? Oh, poor Sirius.'
Before her grief once again had the chance to show on her features, she had already added the other two names. Remus and Peter. But the time to write out their events and muse about their individual fates was cut short when a body suddenly landed right next to her.
"Oh, there you are!", it was Mary, "Hiding in the library and skipping classes? Lily, that's so unlike you. I've been worried sick looking all over for you. You're lucky I covered for you in Potions." Weirdly enough her voice was not condescending but a little amused and playful. She even put a certain emphasis on some words that led Lily to believe she was actually overacting. The surprise to have been caught was still overwhelming nonetheless and the redhead stumbled a little in order to hide her carefully scripted notes.
"Cottage pie?", Mary's grin got even bigger, "That's why you're holed up in here and had to miss a very disappointed Sluggy down in the dungeons? Without you, there's no one he can dote upon you know that, right? Leaving all the rest of us to actually work constructively on our potions."
What was she talking about? Somehow Lily hadn't really recovered from the unexpected arrival of her friend and with a confused glance she noticed that Mary was studying her notes. Oh right, the privacy spell she had enforced. Her parchment must look like some silly recipe to all that happen to accidentally stumble upon it. Sometimes, she scolded herself; she really was an idiot after all. That's when she noticed she hadn't replied yet and tried to cover up the fact that all the books around her had nothing to do with the muggle cooking she was apparently working on.
"Oh, well. I need to write a letter to my parents and they asked me to send them my famous recipe. You know me and Cottage pie. Mine are the best and they somehow lost the old constructions I had left at home, so... yeah.", only a small lie because in reality she really wanted to write her parents and her cooking was actually very good, so it seemed plausible. Nervously she looked up and tried to change the subject at the same time: "But Professor Slughorn is not doting on me and you're right I shouldn't have skipped class. I simply lost track of time and hadn't notice it was already too late to go."
A combination of Mary's obvious good mood and her own nervousness made her rise from the crouched position she was in and hastingly she grabbed all of her things, "Oh wait, what? Potions class you say? If I hurry I might still make it. What's the time? We have to hurry or else I might miss another assignment. Quickly Mary, let's go and hope the stairs will not slow us down even further." Her over-the-top performance got the answer she expected and Mary started to laugh so loud, that Mme Pince was onto them in a matter of seconds.
"This is a library, I'm sure quiteness and respect can't be too demanding even for students with no remote sign of appreciation for such an environment. Get out! Now!"
...
They left quickly after that, Mary giggling uncontrollably and Lily glad to have dodged the inevitable questions of her assembled reading material. After a few turns, they had automatically started to head into the direction of their common room, their steps grew shorter until they finally stopped in front of a huge window overlooking the lake.
"That was great!", her laughter finally ebbed down and Mary turned towards her friend capturing her in a tight hug, "I was really worried for a while, you know."
Lily didn't know how to respond and felt aweful for lying to the other girl but at the same time she was strangely comfortable knowing to be here, accepted and cared for, that she wholeheartedly returned the gesture. "I know.", a quiet whisper but all the reinforcement Mary needed to elaborate. "I'm just glad you're yourself again. For a while I really thought you were avoiding us, always keeping to yourself. And now that you've missed a pampering Slughorn, I honestly thought you had turned into a strange hermit living in shadows or worse hiding a terrible secret. You've not become a crazy cat lady, have you?"
Giggling once more all the while acting appalled at her own suggestion, Mary looked up and released her friend allowing for some space between them. Lily smiled sadly, the words hitting true to due the fact that she was keeping a great secret from others, but she also remembered their shared thoughts on 'crazy cat ladies', declaring Filch to actually be one during their second year.
"No. Never that. We might be Gryffindors but overall I really can't see myself getting too attached to itchy eyesockets and running noses. Besides I would make a terrible hermit hiding in shadows if you heard me sneazing all the time."
"True.", Mary shook her head and seemed to be focused on something in Lily's face, "But if you have any sort of trouble you know I'm here. To talk to if need be. Anytime. Even if it's about the fact that you suddenly started to come to your senses and have decided that Potions is simply too much trouble; just like the rest of us."
"You're never going to let me forget the fact that I missed my class, do you?"
Smiling mischievously, the short girl jumped a little to the left: "Never!"
A well praced groan of annoyance was Lily's answer and she was once again reminded how great it was to be here. Alive. With so many oppurtunities.
'Yes, a second chance and happiness. And one day, when all of this is over, I'm going to share this story with my friends and family. All of them. This is what I want.', her feelings caught in the middle of simple bliss and camaraderie, she didn't notice that Mary started to look through her bag, hectically searching for something, 'I only hope they can forgive me for not telling them now. But when all is well, I will. I must.'
Still musing over the future and the fact that a seemable unbreakable barrier had been turned to dust by accepting her fate, she almost missed Mary's explanation. Said girl had just pushed some old and obviously used parchment into her hands all the while rambling on. But the last pieces brought Lily back to reality. "... and he was sure his notes would be far better than everything I or Merlin forbid the boys from our house could give you. Such a git. Though I guess it's nice he made the effort and all."
"Pardon? What?", with a confused glance she skimmed the writing and could tell at once who had given her those notes. Nonetheless, she was puzzled.
"Potions of course. Snape came to me after class and told me to deliver his notes to you. As if his would be so much better than mine. Seriously the nerve of that guy."
Once again, the bubble of happy thoughts burst and Lily was faced with an unfamilar issue. That of emptiness, leaving her right were she had started at the beginning of her day. She just didn't know what to do about it. Clutching the paper she looked up to see Mary studying her closely: "Everything all right? You just became very pale all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's fine.", only this time the lie felt unnaturaly heavy and wrong, "Let's just head back to the common room."
...
A/N: Slow update is slow once again. And this time we have exposition and some necessary thoughts on Lily's part. Hopefully that wasn't too boring but I feel that I can't leave out too much of her thought process without coming across as too unrealistic. I always wonder what I would do in her place. So yeah. Until next time and thank you for all the comments and support. It's uplifting and really appreciated. :)