They had to stop talking at that point as Mr. Carson opened the courtyard door looking for Mr. Bates. As soon as she heard the door squeak, Anna pulled away from Bates' embrace and scooted slightly away from him, so when Mr. Carson peered over at them, they looked perfectly respectable, though Anna's face was turned away from the door to conceal her tears.
"I'll lock up tonight, Mr. Carson," Bates said lightly. "We won't be much longer."
"That was close," he whispered once Mr. Carson bade them goodnight and went back inside.
"How long have you suspected?" Bates asked, picking up the threads of their dropped conversation.
"About three weeks," Anna admitted.
"Three weeks of worrying yourself sick, and you didn't tell me?" Bates couldn't mask the hurt in his voice.
"I was afraid," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't want to hear you tell me this was my problem to deal with... I didn't know what to do..."
"I would never do that, I promise," he said, more fiercely than he had intended. "This is my fault more than yours, and I will take full responsibility for it. Never doubt that, promise me?"
She nodded slowly, snuggling back against him.
"Anna, what do you want to happen with this baby?" he asked, praying she wouldn't say that she didn't want it. Although he hadn't even known about its existence for a full day, he found that he was already feeling very tender and protective towards this little being.
"I don't know... all I can think of is hiding it for as long as I can. I don't know what to do when the baby actually gets here. I can't go back to my family unmarried with a baby –my father would kill me."
"May I ask you something?" he ventured. "Do you –do you want this baby?"
"Yes," Anna gasped, surprised that he had asked. "But... but if you don't want it..."
"Of course I do," he reassured her. "Anna, I have no intention of forcing you to get rid of our child, but I don't want you to feel you have to go through with this. If you prefer not to have this child, I'll support you through that too... whatever you want."
"I want this baby," Anna said decisively. "I know it will be difficult, I know people will talk and I know I'll have to leave Downton as soon as Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson find out... but I can face it as long as I know you're on my side."
"Then that's sorted," he said, one arm holding her tightly. "Anna, you know I'll marry you on the same day Vera grants me a divorce if I can, right?"
She nodded.
"But we need to think about what we'll do if she won't grant the divorce by the time the pregnancy is visible," he continued. "I've been thinking today, and I think I have some ideas."
"Go on," Anna encouraged him, relieved that was being so caring.
"First," he began. "If you want to stay at Downton, you can confess all to Mrs. Hughes –tell her I forced you and that you were too afraid of me to say anything before –"
"Never," Anna stopped him, her voice more fierce than he had ever heard. "I will not lie or accuse you of that, do you understand? Never."
"Or else," he continued. "As soon as you start to show, you could leave Downton. We'd tell Mrs. Hughes that your family needed you back," he put one finger gently over her lips tp hush her protests. "But you wouldn't really have gone back to your family... you'd go to London until the baby's born, to stay with my mother –I know she'd look after you like you were her own daughter. Then, once we've saved up enough money, we'd leave: you, me and the baby. We'd go somewhere where Vera would never find us and start over: pass ourselves off as married and begin a new life together."
"I couldn't go and stay with your mother –not like this," Anna protested, gesturing towards her stomach, although there was nothing to see yet. "I couldn't bear the shame." At this, tears once again welled from her eyes, and she reached out for his hand.
"It'll be alright," he soothed, taking her hand between both of his. "You have no need to feel ashamed when it comes to my mother, I swear to you. She'll understand."
Considering all that he'd put his mother through already: his marriage to the brash Vera, his drunkenness and imprisonment, Bates thought that his mother would be relieved that he was trying to start afresh with Anna, whom she had already met and been very taken by. She'd be disappointed that he and Anna were having a baby before marriage, but that couldn't be helped –she would understand that his and Anna's marriage depended on Vera's willingness to grant the divorce.
"We'll write to her," he said, seeing that Anna was unconvinced. "You'll see how she'll suggest the same plan I did. You're forgetting, she liked you when she met you."
"That was when she thought I was just a friend of yours," Anna said quietly into his shirt. "She won't now, not when I'm no better than a whore –"
"Anna!" Bates snapped, so harshly that even he winced as he heard his tone. "I will not listen to you refer to yourself in that way, do you hear?"
"But it's true –this is all my fault," Anna protested. "I shouldn't have led you on."
"And I shouldn't have let myself be led on," he argued. "I'm older and more experienced –I'm the one who should have had more self control," he ended bitterly. "I don't want you to blame yourself," he went on in a more gentle tone, seeing that Anna was shaking and worrying that his outburst had scared her. "If you must blame someone, blame me, understand?"
"You're not to blame," Anna shook her head.
"Then neither are you," Bates insisted.
"But what if your mother says no?" Anna persisted.
"If she does –which she won't –I'll run away with you that very evening," he promised. "No one at Downton will know if you don't want them to."
"Thank you," she sighed, relaxing fully against him. "For being so understanding."
"I wish you'd told me before," he said. "You've been worrying alone for the past three weeks when you didn't have to."
"You're tired," he said, seeing Anna rub her eyes and suddenly noticing the dark shadows under her eyes. "You should have been asleep ages ago –I'm sorry I kept you up."
"I'm glad you did," Anna answered. "I feel much better now that I know you're not going to make me face this alone."
"Never," he smiled. "You and the baby are now my responsibility, and I couldn't be happier about it." Of course Anna would dread being abandoned, he thought. While she had been at Downton, she had probably seen Mrs. Hughes dismiss quite a few housemaids in that situation.
"Shall we go inside?" he suggested. It was close to midnight and Anna looked exhausted.
"Goodnight," Anna said softly, stepping into his warm embrace.
"Goodnight," he replied, holding her close to him for as long as he dared. "Try not to worry too much," he said as his hand grazed her stomach lightly. "It'll be alright in the end, I promise."
"I hope you're right," Anna answered. Despite all his reassurances, she was worried, or to be more accurate, afraid. Not that Mr. Bates would abandon her and the child –she had every faith in him –but afraid of Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson's wrath if they found out about the pregnancy.
XXXXXXXX
"I'm going into Ripon tomorrow," Anna said as she and Bates sat side by side in the empty servants' hall a week later. It was the first time they had been alone together since the day Anna had told Bates about the baby –with guests staying, all the servants had been run off their feet and the duo simply hadn't been able to find time to speak privately. "I... I thought I might see a doctor while I'm there." She had no doubt that she was carrying a child, but if Bates wanted it confirmed by a doctor she didn't think it was worth starting an argument over.
"Would you still like me to come with you?" Bates asked.
"I would... but it's not your half day," Anna said hesitantly.
"I can arrange to go into Ripon," Bates shrugged. "I need to go to the shops for His Lordship, he won't mind whether I go into the village or to Ripon."
"Thank you," Anna smiled, relieved that she wouldn't have to go in alone.
"Have you thought any more about our plan?" Bates ventured.
"I have," Anna admitted. "I hate to ask such a favour of your mother, but I can't go back to my parents."
"You're right," Bates agreed. He had never met the Smiths, but he knew that her family –a Puritan farming family –would not welcome her back if she were to return unmarried and expecting a child. "If anything, my mother will be pleased to have company –I think she's starting to find herself quite lonely."
"What if Mrs. Hughes finds out before I can leave?" Anna asked in a small voice. "Every day I'm afraid she'll guess."
"You'll have to lie to her," Bates said. "But," he added, his tone growing tender, "if she does find out, then you and I will leave –together –that very day. With our heads held high."