Mac sat quietly as Daryl tended to her wounds. She had a split lip, several cuts and bruises to her face, a shallow, yet painful cut on her throat, and some puncture wounds on her side. She was trying to stay in her internal emotional void. Trying desperately not to replay the scenes of not only this attack, but the one a year ago. She felt like she was slipping into a black hole. She felt sick to her stomach, dizzy. She tried to focus on Daryl, sitting on his knees in front of her gently trying to clean her up. She could see the turmoil in his eyes. See the utter rage. He wasn't sure how to handle her, hesitant in his touch. Her terror had moved on to intense shame that she had been put in this position not once, but twice. She was supposed to be strong, tough. How could she have allowed herself to get caught like this again? What the hell was wrong with her? My god, she was supposed to be Daryl's partner, the one who watched his back. He depended on her for that, expected it. How the fuck could she protect him when she couldn't even protect herself? She was completely useless to him, a weakness he couldn't afford to have. How could he ever trust her to have his back again?
Mac started getting dizzier and then started shaking. She felt lightheaded as the shaking got worse. It had started in her hands and then moved to her whole body.
Daryl was applying some antiseptic when he noticed Mac's hands beginning to shake, and realized her eyes had completely glazed over. She started sucking in breaths, almost like she was starting to hyperventilate. Daryl quickly set the first aid down and grabbed Mac, afraid she was going into shock.
"Mac! Mac honey, talk to me! Stay with me girl, you're ok. You're safe now"
Mac shrugged Daryl off of her and leapt up, pacing the bunker like a caged lion. "Don't touch me!"
Daryl stepped back, hands up in front of him. "I won't Mac, I won't. I just want to help. Tell me what I can do. Please sweetheart…"
All Mac could do was pace, she kept running her hands through her hair and pulling on it like she was trying to yank it out.
She was saying something over and over again, but Daryl couldn't make it out. He risked moving closer to her, completely unsure of himself and of her.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" she was whispering to herself, almost inaudibly. Daryl tried to catch her eye.
"Mac, what are you sorry about, talk to me girl, it's ok. Please!"
Mac just kept pacing, pulling on her hair.
"I'm so sorry, Daryl, I'm so sorry". Daryl moved over to her and held her by the shoulders. Mac stopped and looked up, trying to say something, and the tears came pouring out. "Oh my god I'm so sorry Daryl" she sobbed.
Daryl's gut wrenched at the sight of her. "My god Mac why are you sorry, you..you..Jesus fucking Christ this wasn't your fault!"
"I'm no longer strong, I'm weak. I let this happen again. AGAIN! How can ye ever trust your back to me after this? And now look at me, crying like some weak little girl, a weak little girl who let herself get caught and…and..and –fucking caught! TWICE! Ye cannae ever trust me to have your back after this!" Mac broke down into wracking sobs and fell down to her knees.
Daryl felt his head swimming. He grabbed Mac into a bear hug and held onto her for all he was worth. He felt the tears let loose as he cried with her. After everything she had been through she had added the guilt of believing she was no longer strong enough for him to want her. He now understood why she had never wanted to talk about that time when he and Rick found her. He held onto her and rocked her, trying to convey all of his feelings to her through his hold, knowing that words would be useless at this moment.
When he felt her start to slow in her sobs, he pulled back far enough to look into her eyes. She kept them downcast, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. Daryl roughly wiped the back of his arm across his eyes, then gently wiped her tears with his thumbs before tilting her head up to him.
"Mac, look at me girl. I'm going to tell you somethings. I know you're not goin' to want to hear 'em, or probably believe 'em, but I swear on everything I hold dear that they're true. You don't have to say anything', just listen. There's no fucking way, first off, that this, or the time before were in anyway your fault. I wish, I..I..shit, I wish I had something smart to say to convince you of that. And no fucking way are you weak, this didn't happen because you was weak, and you ain't weak because of it. I have never trusted anyone to be as close to me as you are. Fuck, I never trusted anyone to know about some of the things about me that you know, let alone watch my back. Hell I never trusted Rick as much as I trust you. And that will .Change. EVER. I trusted you then, I trust you now girl. Ain't never gonna change."
A single tear spilled over Mac's cheek, and she nodded slightly. Daryl enveloped her in a hug again and just held her. "You just went through hell, I think you earned the fucking right for a good cry" he whispered. "And when I find that bastard I will gut him and string him up for everyone to see".
Daryl released Mac long enough to dig out of can of food. He forced her to eat, and gave her a chaser of aspirin and scotch, hoping it would help her sleep. He found a shirt in one of the containers and put it on, then wrapped Mac up in the blanket nice and tight and laid down next to her on the outside of it. He wanted nothing than to hold her all night and make her feel safe.
"Lets try to get some sleep. We'll need our energy". It took several hours for Mac to finally sleep, and Daryl could tell from her movements she was probably re-visiting her hellish ordeal. He kept trying to talk to her through her sleep, hoping to move her on into a different dream.
When Mac awoke, she was wrapped up tight. Daryl was behind her with his arm around her protectively. She didn't feel much better than she did last night. In some ways she felt worse. Her face felt awful, and the slightest movement pulled on her lip. She could feel her tears start up again, and she silently berated herself for the sign of weakness. Trying not to think about the events of the day before of course only brought them front and center to her brain. Her tears came steadily, and she could feel herself shaking again. Daryl squeezed her tightly, having woken up when he felt her start to shake. He rolled her over and cradled her into his chest, stroking her hair. "It's ok sweetheart" he whispered to her. "Just let go, it's ok. I've got you and you're safe". Mac let herself go and sobbed again. Daryl continued to stroke her in calming movements, whispering to her that it was ok to let it out. After what seemed like hours to Mac, but was in fact only a few minutes, her tears ran dry. She stayed curled into Daryl's chest, taking the comfort he offered. Daryl just kept up his strokes, and she found herself calming down.
"Do you remember, after Rick and I brought you back to camp, and Carol finally let you out of the damn tent?" Mac didn't respond, and Daryl didn't wait for one. "After I got over the shock of finding you was a fucking girl, hehe, I thought for sure you were going to be a problem for us. I mean sure, you took down a shitload of walkers on your own while injured, but alls I could think of was, shit, another mouth to feed and another damn girl to get her cycle hooked into the rest of them. Like Lori being on the rag by herself wasn't bad 'nough, but I swear all you women did it at the same damn time and it was a fucking nightmare. I wanted nothing' more than to throw you out on your ass. I didn't trust ya. I was waitn' for some group of yours to come barreling in and try to wipe us out. But Carol, she liked ya. Seemed to trust ya. I trust Carol, she's got a good head on her shoulders, ever since that piece a shit husband of hers got himself bit. But even so, I was still leery. But then, that first time you saved my backside when I went down that stupid ravine. You really had no reason to, but you did. And from then on you started squirmn' ya way under my skin. You proved more times than I can count that Carol was right. You were a good fit for our group."
Daryl bent down and placed a soft kiss on Mac's head. "A good fit for me" he whispered.
"I found that I no longer thought of Rick first when it came to trusting someone. I mean sure I still trust him, but he was no longer the first that came to my mind. It was you. You became my partner - hunting, scouting, fighting. I never thought twice about you at my back, at my side. It never entered my mind that you would let me down. Still don't.
I began to feel like you were an extension of me. I found myself bein' more comfortable around other people, hell even around myself. And now, well now I can't imagine you not being here with me. You've made this redneck hillbilly a much better person. "
Daryl sighed. "We'll get through this. Together. I promise. And I won't take any shit about you being anywhere but at my side woman, you understand?"
He leaned his head down into her, an almost silent "I love you" leaving his lips. Mac heard those last three words and felt the tears come again. This time they were quiet, peaceful tears.
A/N: Coming up next, Daryl and Mac try to make their way back home.