are you ok?
Aidan's text had arrived on his phone over an hour ago, and Josh hadn't had the heart to answer it while Nora was still in the house. Though he knew she wouldn't begrudge him it, or probably even notice, it felt wrong somehow.
Even after she'd slipped quietly out the door to go to her shift at the hospital ten minutes ago, Josh had been awash in a kind of static ambivalence, unable to commit to a course of action. Adian must have heard Nora leave, but he didn't prompt Josh again. Josh sat on the edge of their bed, a range of thoughts, both practical and emotional, running through his head. He wondered where he'd sleep tonight—the sofa, probably. Nora would tell him it wasn't necessary, but it kind of really was.
Good God, Josh thought, a wave of surreal, detached wonder drifting over him, I live in the same house with my possible-ex and my… There was still no good word for what Aidan was to Josh. There probably never would be. It was a little laughable that, even in light of everything else spiralling out of control in their lives, this was on the forefront of his mind.
A push notification came through on Josh's phone and he glanced down at it. Breaking news about a weather warning. It served to remind him that he'd never answered Aidan, and he tapped out a reply. i'm okay. nora went to work. be down in a sec.
There was no reply, but Josh knew he'd gotten the message. He took a few more moments to himself, trying to snap out of the dazed, pervasive shock he'd been in for hours now. Then he passed by the fridge where the vials stood in their neat little rows and went straight to the basement.
Aidan was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him when he opened the door at the top of the flight. Josh locked eyes with him and knew the second he did that Aidan knew the gist of what had happened upstairs.
"Josh—" he started, in a tone identical to that of the shocked family friends offering their condolences fresh after a loss at the hospital. Josh just shook his head and pulled the door shut behind him, heading down the rest of the stairs. Sally wasn't likely to want to listen in on this and Nora had already gone to work, but Josh didn't want to have this talk with Aidan like this. Aidan vanished into the room and when Josh stepped down from the last stair he saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, head in hand.
"So she—she knows now," Josh said, wanting to get this over with. Aidan didn't reply, but looked up. Josh let out a breath and scrubbed his hands across his face. "We're—I don't even really know what to call it. Over? On a break, possibly forever?"
Silence hung heavy between them and Josh could almost hear Aidan beating himself up mentally. "I'm so sorry," he said, his voice barely carrying. "I never wanted this for you."
Josh shook his head, crossing over to sit beside him. "Don't. The talk she and I had… it wasn't a bad one. And absolutely everything she brought up was true."
Josh had known it, internally, as Nora and he had talked and he'd watched his plans for the future crumble around them. Something was so different about saying it out loud, though.
Aidan didn't speak, just looking at Josh with a sort of trepidation that he was unused to seeing on his face. So often Aidan was the collected, informed, decisive one of their group, armed with the benefits of age and experience that meant the others often turned to him for guidance when they were lost.
On the flipside, Josh would sooner get written up for sexual harassment than say the right thing to anyone he liked. Julia and Nora had been veritable miracles in his book, the women who had actually stuck around long enough to see if there was someone worthwhile under all his bumbling.
But Aidan wasn't Nora or Julia. He was Aidan.
Instead of trying to explain, or rely on words that so often failed him, Josh did what he felt. He slid his hand up Aidan's back to rest at the back of his neck and, only blinking for a moment in lingering bewilderment at how unusual the motion was, pulled him forward.
They both seemed to know it wasn't going to be a kiss. Aidan leaned into him and Josh leaned back, his forehead resting against Aidan's temple as his eyes slid shut. They remained like that, and for Josh's part the longer they stayed the more his muscles relaxed, the less the tension between them seemed to bother him. It was new, and like all new things it took getting used to, but he could already feel the muscle memory at work, the way the two of them fit together in silent, exhausted companionship, no longer tethered by doubts or protocol. They could just exist together, no second guessing and no obstacles, perceived or real, for as long as they had.
Josh felt prickling in his throat and swallowed it back. Not how they should be spending their time together. He cleared his throat and mumbled against Aidan's jaw, "You should eat."
"Probably," Aidan said back, his voice low and quiet. "Didn't see you bring anything down, though."
Josh smiled wanly and let his eyes slip shut again, shaking his head. "Not really gonna argue with me on live-feeding now, are you?"
He could feel Aidan smiling back. "I don't think so, no."
They repositioned on the bed, Aidan edging himself back against the headboard and Josh reaching to pull up his sleeve first, then changing his mind and tugging down the collar of his t-shirt instead. There wasn't really a precedent for this, and even though they'd just shared a very candid, affectionate moment with zero weirdness seconds before, Josh suddenly felt nervous at this prospect. Everything seemed so much more intense when Aidan was drinking from him. It was good, almost unbearably so sometimes, but it was also unpredictable.
A thought occurred to Josh as he simply tugged his shirt up and off. "Hey—" he started, but stopped short at the look Aidan had been giving him. His roommate's eyes had been fixed on his exposed skin, his gaze darkening with an unmistakable, but not blood-related hunger. Josh felt his throat go momentarily dry as Aidan blinked, a little abashed, and looked up at him. It took a second for Josh to get his brain back on track.
"Um… I wanted to, if you're okay with it, take a look at your marks again. Been about a week and all."
Josh thought he had gone through the worst of what this day had to offer him. Aidan's hesitation proved him wrong.
Josh could feel his heart beating in his ribs. "Is it… that bad?"
Aidan opened his mouth to reply and only managed a half-hearted sort of shrug. He pulled up the hem of his shirt and Josh felt his insides drop.
Criss-crossing over so much of Aidan's abdomen and torso were those dark, ever-growing lines. Josh had thought they'd been black before, but now he realized he was wrong. This new color, which was emerging from the center of some of the older marks, was truly black. The rest of it had been an ashy, dark gray.
There were parts where previously isolated spots had joined together into amorphous blobs of larger geometry, creating continental masses against the pale ocean of the rest of Aidan's skin. Josh felt like screaming and throwing up at the same time, but managed to contain it to heavy, slow breathing. It wasn't the visual display that was so upsetting but the reality of what it meant.
He managed to tear his eyes away from the sight and back up to Aidan's face. He was wearing a tired, small smile, and gave him a shrug. "I'd like to just not think about it for now. Just for today."
Josh couldn't bring himself to speak at first, so he just nodded. When he found his voice he said, "okay."
There was nothing like impending death to put something like awkwardness into stark, unwanted perspective. Josh could take his time getting used to the turn his friendship with Aidan had taken, but really, what was the point? He moved closer, crawling into what he hoped was a comfortable position on the bed, and Aidan yanked him into place with one arm.
Then their eyes met, and the residual weariness and melancholy fizzled out, replaced instead by an almost blank expression and the slight widening of his eyes. Josh knew that look by now. Aidan's eyes were dark and intense, the pupil flooding the iris. A flush had risen on Josh's neck and the way he was staring at him, as if devouring him already… even if he'd wanted to, Josh would never have stood a chance.
Josh grabbed the back of Aidan's head with one hand and pulled them together harshly, no thought given to gentleness or patience. A second later strong arms were around him and he was stabilized, Aidan tilting his head into the kiss with hungry fervor. He wasn't sure who pushed forward first, but soon their tongues were clashing together, twisting heat and grazing teeth. Aidan drew his tongue over one of his extended fangs and Josh followed suit, feeling for himself the smooth, hard edge and deadly point. Aidan shuddered so hard against him at that that Josh was peripherally worried he might nick him.
Aidan followed it up with a weak groan into his mouth and snaked his fingers against Josh's skull, grabbing a fistful of hair and he'd be damned if he'd been this hard this fast since high school. Josh's heart skipped and the feeling flooded straight down to his groin, his hips twitching forward as his denim began to feel like a trap. His toes started to tingle.
When they parted for air, panting already, Josh managed to focus on Aidan's face with great difficulty. Where just moments ago he'd been collected, slightly subdued and quiet, he looked utterly ruffled now. His eyes were shining, both in that full-dark way vampires had and in something that Josh could almost recognize as a kind of expression, an intensity he thought perhaps Aidan didn't normally show to others. Aidan yanked him closer, but there was space between their bodies and Josh did not approve. He shifted back, shakily, and since he had cut off their make-out session prematurely he was rewarded with a look of dazed, disappointed confusion a second before he lowered himself down in a different position, so he was between Aidan's legs. Aidan slid both hands up to either side of Josh's face, and Josh had one of his wrapped around Aidan's wrist, the other one resting on the tight skin over his ribs. The dark patches of skin felt a little rougher, a little different but the texture did nothing to calm the steady surge of heady, growing need under Josh's skin.
Aidan flipped them around somehow and lowered Josh down on his back on the bed, one hand on either side of him. Josh wasn't so keen on this position, and pushed up against Aidan's torso with his, wrapping his arms around the other and trying to distract him with a deep, heated kiss so he could flip them once more on the hazardously small bed. Aidan wouldn't have it, though, and laughed into the kiss as he shoved him back down. The sound and the feel of the chuckle was a rush of delight to Josh.
"Nope," Aidan said breathlessly, and all thoughts of retaliation were blown out of Josh's mind when Aidan leaned down and swirled his tongue over his nipple, letting out a hot breath across Josh's chest.
"Oh jesusfuck," Josh hissed, his hips snapping up involuntarily. "Oh fuck, wow."
Aidan chuckled again, seeming to find this amusing, and Josh struggled to be less vocal and save his pride. He lost that battle promptly when Aidan began to work at his jeans. Josh's heart was hammering as he struggled to stay still and focus on breathing, something a lot like fear thundering through his veins even while every cell was alight with the gut-punching clarity of how much he wanted this. Finally he was free, tenting his cotton boxers shamelessly. He felt sort of like he was watching someone else's body, someone else's life as Aidan deftly released him from his undergarments and smiled up Josh's body at him. Aidan did not fuck around at all, sliding his tongue up Josh in one steady movement before taking him suddenly into his mouth.
The heat was intense, amazing, and surprising for a vampire—Josh nearly bashed his head open on the headboard. He avoided bucking rudely into Aidan's throat only just, and clutched helplessly at the bedsheets. He realized he was cursing again only peripherally, unable to focus on anything else. Aidan was a damn god at this, roughly tracing a thick vein that ran from base to the tip while another hand slid down between his legs to rub at the place where his thigh turned into his hip. Josh wondered how many gods one could invoke in one sitting without being damned for all eternity.
Halfway through Aidan switched tactics, taking over with his hand while he ran the smooth part of his fangs gently across Josh's thigh. Josh tensed, partly because it tickled, partly from anticipation, and partly because he knew it would hurt a little. Aidan looked up at him and Josh felt his spine give up and turn to jelly. Aidan's eyes were half closed, his dark brows furrowed in slight concentration, and as he met Josh's eyes he smiled slightly, lapping very slowly and lightly at the inside of his thigh. Holy fucking mother of god—nothing in the whole entire world could possibly be hotter than that. Josh visibly twitched at the display as his own eyes hardened into something that was probably creeper-worthy intensity, and Aidan's smile grew for a second before he sank his fangs into the exposed skin.
It did hurt, stung pretty bad for a second, but then Josh rolled his head back against the bed and let out a sound that he could barely categorize as human. Aidan was coupling his feeding with his other hand still wrapped around him, pulling firmly up with each talented movement of his mouth, and it was over. Josh came with molten white behind his eyelids. Aidan's throat was working against his leg, swallowing down bursts of blood that came in time with each hot pulse behind his eyes, and Josh struggled to pull air into his lungs. Each breath felt like sandpaper.
He had barely recovered when he noticed that Aidan was staring at him with that hungry, predatory look, his eyes dark and intense and doing a great job eye-fucking him. One of his hands was wrapped firmly around himself now, pumping hard—Josh hadn't even noticed that he'd gotten his own pants off—and Josh made a sound of disapproval, wanting to assist. His wound was already glossed over with a light, mostly-red sheen of very thin protective skin, and Josh burst it open with his sudden movement as he surged forward, shoving Aidan backwards. He lacked the vampire's finesse, not having had two centuries to perfect his game, and they almost toppled off the bed. Josh bled freely down his thigh, red staining the sheets and splattering lightly against Aidan's lower body. Aidan jerked against him in messy spasms, Josh fumbling between them and finding him with his free hand. Aidan was already so close—he didn't know how he could tell, but he could, and the blood between them only served to push him closer to the edge. Freak, Josh thought fondly, reaching down to grasp a handful of AIdan's hair and crush their mouths together. Their teeth clacked and Josh did cut himself on one of Aidan's fangs this time, near the edge of his bottom lip. He tasted copper and the shudder of Aidan's breath as he came all over Josh's hand, which had barely had time to do anything of use.
Aidan's parted lips and exposed throat were asking for it. Josh moved forward on jelly limbs, capturing his lips again. Aidan's kiss was weak and breathless for the first few seconds, which allowed Josh to take brutal advantage of him. Aidan let it happen, eyes shut, body shivering against Josh's with a profound, vulnerable strength.
They remained like that, mostly breathing against one another with the occasional kiss, but the punch of post-coital, post-feeding weariness was starting to hover on the horizon. They were filthy, beyond so, but Josh couldn't bring himself to care for once. After a while Aidan pulled him down to lay beside him and the two of them found their way into an effortless tangle of limbs. Josh lagged behind Aidan by a few minutes as far as sleep went, but he found himself dropping off into a dreamless, blank slate soon enough.