AN: We're still nearing the end! Un-beta'd. Hope you enjoy :)
ONE MONTH AFTER THE ANGELS FELL
He watched the hunter warily. Crouched hidden from sight behind the trees, he could see Dean scanning the landscape before getting into the Impala and driving into town. Waiting for the rumble of the Impala's engine to dissipate, he waited for a few minutes, wanting to be extra sure that there wouldn't be a chance of running into his friend...possibly ex-friend. Standing up and scrubbing the dirt from the knees of his jeans, he stood up, shoulders still slightly hunched, sports bag slung over them. The coarse material bit through his t-shirt.
Slowly, he stumbled down the incline above the door of the bunker, landing with a small thud having jumped the rest of the way down. He winced, the pain of his body weight being unevenly distributed over his knees causing him to grit his teeth before the feeling disappeared. His weary eyes looked up at the door, relief washing over him before remembering that he was oh so very human.
He had seen Dean, checked that he was well, possibly a little skinnier than before, but still alive. Sam…he didn't know about Sam and was half worried that Dean's state was a product of unfortunate circumstance.
And then the door opened, right before him.
"Cas!" Sam stared at him, mouth hanging wide open.
The shock was mirrored in Castiel's own face as he peered up at the taller Winchester cautiously. Sam didn't look extraordinarily well. The clothes on his body looked about three sizes too big. Smudges under his eyes almost black in colour. For all intents and purposes, Sam should have been dead and Castiel stated as such whilst adjusting the strap of his bag.
"Well, I'm not...at least not yet."
"Well, I'm glad you are not." he said trying to convey how honestly relieved he was to see that Sam was okay. "I should leave before Dean comes back."
"No wait, Cas! Dean said the angels were falling. I thought...wa-was that closing the gates of heaven? What the hell happened? "
Bitterness coloured his face. "I believe the expression; 'I fucked up' is appropriate."
"So the angels...they, they fell...all of them?"
"Yes."
"And, Metatron? Metatron was help-"
"He was using me to complete a spell. Killing a nephilim, obtaining a cupid's bow...taking an angels grace, your prophet Kevin could not locate any of this in the angel tablet."
Sam looked at Castiel sadly, comprehension dawning his face. "Your grace, which means...you-you're human…"
"Yes, and I believe, that I should leave before-"
"Dean won't be back for a few hours," Sam dismissed him, ushering Castiel into the bunker.
"Sam, I really must protest...Dean won't approve-"
"Cas, you're human. It's been like three weeks, where the hell have you been staying?"
"Here and there," he replied vaguely. Alleyways, doorways, park benches, shelters… Levelled with an inscrutable look, he shifted his feet awkwardly.
"You remember where you room is?"
"Yes."
Sam beamed at him. "Great. Make yourself at home."
"What about you? Did you intend to go outside?" Castiel asked. Finally having made it to his room, he placed his bag gently on the floor at the end of the bed and sat down. His fingers trailed over the bedspread, before turning his attention back to Sam who had sat down on the chair near the door.
The younger Winchester shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Tell me what have you been doing? Dean's been looking for you everywhere."
At this Castiel snorted.
"What?" Sam's head snapped up.
"I don't imagine that Dean would be willing to have me here, let alone look for me in the first place."
"Of course he'd look for you."
"Fine. Dean finds me and then what? I did something irreparable. How do you know he'll forgive me? He warned me not to trust Metatron, or Naomi. He asked me to trust him! I did not and now my home is lost to what amounts to a madman. My brothers and sisters have fallen to earth. I don't even know how many survived Sam. There was an infinite amount of angels in heaven…I ruined everything and I cannot fathom any possible situation that will result in Dean…" he trailed off helplessly.
Unsteadily rising to his feet, Sam sat next to Castiel. "Listen, I'm not pissed because frankly I get it. I know what it's like to do the wrong things for the right reasons. I mean, I have a whole list of well-meaning intentions that turned bad. You want to know how I know that Dean'll get over this? You made the exact same mistakes I did...you trusted Metatron, I trusted Ruby. You thought that you were closing the gates of heaven; I thought that killing Lilith would end everything. Our biggest mistake - we didn't listen to Dean...now I'm not saying he's always going to be right, but damn, he seems to have like a sixth sense when it comes to this sort of stuff."
"I still don't under-"
"He forgave me. It took a while but we got past it...at least I'm pretty sure we did." He gave a rueful smile.
"It's not that simple. You're his brother, his family."
"You've died and come back to life multiple times – you're practically a Winchester. Dean will come around eventually."
"Sammy! I got you your healthy shit. Come get it!"
Castiel rocketed off the bed feeling a tight ball of nerves rolling around his stomach. "This was a mistake...I should not have come here…" Dean was here, in the bunker right now waiting for Sam to come out and greet him. There was no telling what his response would be to see him, the ex-angel who had screwed everything up.
"Dude? You in here?" A note of worry entered Dean's voice, and then footsteps coming towards the corridor.
Sam stood up now fixing him with a look that said, don't panic, everything will be okay. "Yeah, I'm in here."
"Why are you in Cas'-"
"Hello Dean."
"Cas!"
Castiel made no move towards the elder Winchester. He wanted to apologise but the fiery glare Dean was shooting at him forced him to keep his mouth shut. Dean stalked towards him and he braced himself for anger, but was surprised when he was hauled into a bone-crushing hug. He caught Sam's pleased look at the deceptively warm reception, until Dean pushed him away and socked him across the face. "Dean! What the hell?"
"Goddamn it Cas!" Dean shouted shaking his hand.
Shakily, Castiel got to his feet prodding his jaw and hissing at the dull ache.
"You can't do that Dean. He's human just like the rest of them."
"No Sam, he's not like the rest of them because the rest of them didn't remember shit. He didn't lose his memories.
"How would you know that?"
"Because Balthazar said so, remember?" He faced Castiel. "You could have called to let me know where you were, you could have come here. Why did it take you a month to show up at the door, when I was out? I bet you were going to leave before I came back, weren't you?"
Sam said nothing.
Taking in a breath, his shoulder hunched inwards as he exhaled in a sort of defeat, knowing that he would not leave now. "Yes."
"Why?"
"Because, I made too many mistakes for you not to see me as a liability, and now I'm human…the last time I lost my 'angel mojo', I believe you said that I was 'just a baby in a trench coat'. You have no use for me and I didn't want to burden or endanger you."
Dean's dropped his grip on Castiel's shirt nodding once. "Go then."
"Dean!"Sam yelled. His voice whittled down to nothing for a follow up, his chest protesting at the large intake of breath and quick expulsion that was used for the name. Dean and his fucking big mouth. As they all stood there in silence he managed to speak softly, voice only cracking every few words. "Cas, there's icepacks in the fridge...and dishcloths...in the drawer left...of the sink...wait there." Neither brother commented as Castiel practically fled from the room with the straps of his bag clenched in his hand.
Slightly shaking he sank into a chair and pushed a hand through his hair. "Sammy, you alright?" Concern flooded Dean's features. "You shouldn't have gotten worked up."
Shaking subsiding he tried to stand a his full height, aiming for intimidating or at least give a sense that they were on equal footing...though that probably failed miserably since his heart was thudding deep in his chest almost as if a fist was squeezing the muscle, leaving him to settle for hunching his shoulders and slightly folding in on himself. "Fuck," he muttered. Taking a few deep breaths he tried standing properly feeling dizziness crawl through his head. "What the hell was that?"
"I …" Hope flared in Sam's chest waiting for Dean to finally talk to him instead of barking instructions to make him better. Sharing and caring apparently wasn't on today's cards and the hope extinguished the moment that Dean's expression closed off. Almost as if the topic wasn't about Sam's health then it could take a hike. "Nothing."
"Don't give me that shit." He replied, nostrils flaring.
"Sam we aren't having this conversation."
"Too bad."
"Sam-"
"Even after I woke up, you were wrecked. I heard you pester Garth every day for information. You drove friggin' everywhere. Got every hunter who picked up black haired six-foot male to meet you so you could check that it was him...and I saw how you were coming back empty handed-"
"And guess what, if he used a phone, I wouldn't have to come back empty handed." Dean retorted. "He didn't trust me enough to help him. Even after he was told to stop, he went ahead and did it anyway."
"That's what happens when you have free will! You make decision on your own, they don't always work out but you acknowledge them and try and move on."
"But he keeps making the wrong ones! We're here for him, and he went off with Crowley and Metatron. He's so blinded with trying to fix everything that he just keeps making bigger messes and we end up having to clean them all up. Look what happened to you! He brought you back soul-less and you became the biggest asshole to walk the earth and then you got your soul back and then you became a ticking time-bomb. He wanted a war machine and fucking broke you!"
Oh, seeing three Dean's, not so good. Sam shook his head trying to clear his faltering vision. "But he saved me too. He gave me back my soul. He took my crazy away. Dean when Cas didn't come out of the lake, and didn't get out of purgatory...and we couldn't find him now...you looked fucking lost and now he's back and you pretty much kicked him out!" He swayed on his feet.
"Sam, you're not looking so hot." Dean was trying to make him sit, which sounded pretty good at the moment, shit when did it get cold? There was more that he needed to say, even if Dean growled for him to shut up.
"Dean, I'm alright damn it!" Sam tried grabbing Dean's forearms. He froze at Dean's panicked expression. He must've looked like a deranged lunatic, his hair messy, eyes wide and darting between Dean and the rest of the room, skin flushed, chest heaving and voice getting more and more desperate. "But you, you have to talk to Cas. Please...I am begging you. He's human. Just like us. Don't you get it?" The grip on Dean's arm loosened slightly. "He's just like me…" His feverish eyes met Dean's before his face went slack and he pitched forwards, head dropping his brother's solid chest.
He didn't here Dean's defeated sigh of, "No he's not".
…
Was he meant to be this upset? As he walked into the kitchen he tried not to let Dean's words replay in his head. He knew that Dean would be hurt, though he had hoped that it wouldn't lead to him being forced to leave. He entered the kitchen, following Sam's instructions and wincing as the cold sensation met his chin.
"Oh…sorry, who are you?" The red-head stared at him curiously.
"I'm…Castiel."
"Oh my god! You're the angel!" She stepped towards him and threw her arms around his neck. "You raised Dean from perdition!"
He blinked dumbly, recalling the exact Sam words he had said to Dean nearly five years ago, "How do you know of that?"
"Carver Edlund's books are all online – Bert and Ernie are not gay, despite what Dean believes, keep that in mind."
Bert and Ernie? The speculation about their sexual orientation was quite interesting, even though he had no idea who they were – he hadn't met any of the Winchester's acquaintances with those names. "Miss-"
"Charlie." She moved towards the counter reaching up to the cupboard above her.
"Charlie, if you'll excuse me I need to speak to Sam."
"Oh okay."
"It was nice to meet you," he returned and walked out of the kitchen.
…
"Sam? Crap, c'mon Sammy, wake up."
Castiel was beside him placing a hand on Sam's shoulder. "Is he okay?"
"Get him onto the bed."
"Should we call someone?"
No, he wasn't going to call anyone. Together they moved Sam onto the bed with Castiel stepping back and hovering uncertainly in the doorway. Palm over Sam's chest he concentrated carefully. Heat rippled through his skin, his imagination stitching together fibres and slowing Sam's racing heart, finally when he sensed that everything was in place, he made sure that Sam would sleep for the next couple of hours, allowing him the time to explain.
He stood up, waiting for a barrage of questions. Anger. Confusion. Frustration. But, when he finally turned to face his friend he was shaken, because Castiel looked at him with nothing but sadness in his blue eyes.
Dean couldn't really describe it. The closest word he could manage was grief.
"C'mon," he said softly, closing the door behind him, "we should let Sam sleep."
Dean followed Castiel out into the library.
"I now understand your anger towards me." Castiel sank into a chair. "If you had told me about this, I would have come sooner, I would have helped you Dean – you have to know that."
He did.
Castiel was quiet after this, lips pursed and hands folded carefully in his lap. Dean tried not to jump when he spoke. "How did you get the grace of an angel?"
"Cas, this isn't the time," he tried.
His hope that this would be dropped quickly disappeared as Castiel continued his enquiries. "Now is as good as any." To encourage him, Castiel leaned forwards, elbows on knees with the most earnest look imaginable, "Please."
He didn't want to tell him, but the words escaped his mouth faster than his brain could catch them. "I got it from Death." With his posture stiffening, Castiel visibly became distressed.
"And the price?!"
Rubbing the back of neck, he spoke wryly. "Death's switched up the order a little. I was meant to die after Sam, but that plan is gone." He couldn't help the hitch in his voice, and brought his hands to his face, "I'll have to reap Sam's soul at a time of my choosing."
The air between them thickened.
"But Dean," Castiel said, "that's torture...you can't possibly-"
"I know. Fucking hell, I know. But its Sam, as unfair as it is for him, I don't have a choice."
Castiel shook his head. "No Dean," he said softly, moving to grasp Dean's shoulder. "I meant that's torture for you." Dean tried to stem the shake of his hands. "I take it that Sam isn't to be informed."
Scrubbing his face, he stood up. "You try and I'll kill you."
Castiel acknowledged the threat with a squeeze, but knew that it was borne out of fear and not malice. "For what it's worth, I am truly sorry."
"I know, Cas."
"Would you like me to teach you?"
"Huh?"
"How to handle it. Teleportation, healing, angel radio?"
"No – it's alright. I figured out healing on my own, but I don't want to learn anything else…I'm not keeping the grace."
Castiel gnawed his bottom lip and Dean couldn't help but laugh.
"What?" Castiel asked and tilted his head.
"Dude, that – the biting," Dean said and gestured to his face, "it's so human…to be honest, it's a bit weird."
Smiling sadly, Castiel replied. "I could say the same about blue lights coming from your hands."
"Yeah, I suppose you could."
AN: Ta-da :) Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. Reviews are awesome :)