A/N: Thank you so much Lupa-will-fly, Meel Jacques, BubbleWrapAndCupcakes43 and Sommerxo for your kind reviews, and I also want to thank all of you who favorited/followed my story during this long hiatus. And again, big thanks to Ahiku for always reviewing and helping me get started with this chapter ^_^

Sorry for the long wait… Moving back was pretty horrible, and took up most of my time and energy. But I am back and ready to finish this story! Here we have the fourth chapter, "Depression", which is about Shion and as you would guess it's not a happy chapter… But don't worry, it should get better next time^^

Again, please forgive me if my grammar/spelling is not perfect, I'm not a native English speaker.

Chapter 4 - Depression

Hot… so hot… I want to sleep…

Shion's eyelids were heavy, so heavy he couldn't even open them. His head hurt like millions of needles were sticking into his brain, and he could feel his whole body burning.

What happened?

He was lying in a bed and he could hear footsteps nearby. Which reality was it? He tried to open his eyes again but even the smallest ray of light made his head hurt even more. Everything was hazy. He felt a hand to the back of his head, lifting it a little; and water being brought to his lips. The coldness of the water contrasted with the warmth of his body and he could almost feel the fresh liquid flow through his veins, making him feel better.

Fresh water… Nezumi…

His hazy mind brought back equally blurry memories from the time when Nezumi had nursed him back to health after he had almost died from the parasitic wasp. Were they really memories? What time was it? Wasn't this happening right now?

The Correctional Facility… Safu…

Had it all been a dream? A weird and vivid fever-induced dream following the surgery Nezumi had performed on him?

But Nezumi's gone…

Is he really? Wasn't he just helping him drink? Were they not in the underground room together? Shion felt his heart rate rising. He needed to know. If he opened his eyes, would Nezumi be here? Hope helped him gather all the strength left in his body and he managed to let one word escape his mouth.

"…Nezumi…?"

There was no answer. When a voice finally broke the excruciating silence, Shion's heart broke into pieces as he recognized whose it was.

"Sorry darling…"

Slowly and painfully, Shion managed to open his eyes and looked at his mother who was sitting next to his bed. Her face was pale and she looked extremely worried.

"Mom… what… what happened?"
"You collapsed at work this morning… One of your colleagues found you unconscious in your office. You have a huge fever, and the doctor said you can't leave your bed for the next week."

Shion didn't answer.

"Shion… if you felt sick this morning why didn't you stay home?"
"…I'm sorry… I just… "

Shion couldn't finish his sentence as he started coughing. Karan helped him drink some more water so that he could calm down.

"It's ok, don't speak for now", she said, stroking his hair.
"…Sorry…"
"Just get some sleep. I'll stay in your apartment tonight."

Shion closed his eyes and she left the room to let him rest. Alone in his bed, Shion found it hard to fight back the tears that were pooling behind his eyes. For a brief moment, Nezumi had been here beside him. It was another time, another reality. A reality in which Shion wouldn't have to wake up alone and face another day without seeing Nezumi's eyes. He opened his eyes again and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, swallowing the sobs that were threatening to overtake him. His head was spinning though, and the fever soon made him fall back asleep, tears still streaming down his face.

Three days after his collapse, Shion was already back at the office. Karan had begged him to take more time to rest, but he insisted that he had some urgent issues to take care of. Truth is, he really couldn't bear to be unoccupied any longer… his fever-induced dream had felt too real and he needed to get it out of his head.

The day was nearing its end, and if most employees had already gone home, Shion was still in his office. Sitting back in the small couch he usually used with important guests, he was absently looking out the window. The setting sun illuminated the rare clouds present in the sky and gave them bright orange and pink colors. The night would be peaceful, just like the previous day had been. Contrary to what he had told his mother, Shion didn't have any pressing issues to deal with. It was only the usual… following-up on ongoing projects and taking care of requests. But somehow, Shion had had a really hard time concentrating on his work.

Sighing, Shion let his head fall back on the cushions and closed his eyes. Ever since he had fallen sick, Nezumi's shadow had followed him everywhere. He would see his face in the people on the street; he would hear his voice in his head as he fell asleep… He had been able to wait so long because working hard somehow kept his thoughts focused on something else, but today it had been impossible.

It's not like it's the first time I dream of you… So why?

Four years… Had it really been this long? Nezumi's absence made days feel like months, and yet it seemed like only yesterday they were having dinner together in the underground room. How could those moments feel so close and yet so far? Shion's heart longed to get those times back, if only for one night.

If I could just see you… Just one moment.
I just need to know that you're alright…

Shion was well-aware of his feelings for Nezumi. The dark-haired boy had once made fun of him when he had tried to put them into words, but now Shion knew that "attraction" and "love" were perfectly accurate.

He had never talked about it with anyone. Besides, he knew what people would say… When the person you love leaves you alone without any news for four years, there's only one advice people could give… But those people didn't know Nezumi. They didn't know what they had been through together. They didn't know that Nezumi promised him they would meet again. Even if it was against reason and logic, Shion wanted to believe in those words.

His eyes still closed, his mind brought back the memories of their parting day. Shion's heart had yelled at him to run after Nezumi, but he didn't. At that moment, no matter how excruciating it had been to see Nezumi disappear over the horizon, Shion knew that he himself had to stay. Four years later, this day was still haunting him. He remembered the feeling of Nezumi's lips against his own, the touch of Nezumi's hand on his face, the warmth in his eyes as he vowed to meet again…

Wait… something's not right.

Shion's eyes snapped open. Shaking, he lowered his head and covered his face with both hands.

Calm down, calm down, calm down.

Even though the memories had never left him, even though he could vividly remember every feeling he experienced on that day, Shion had just realized that the images had faded a little. Nezumi's face wasn't as detailed as it used to be. He could see Nezumi, and at the same time he wasn't sure it was really him. Were his bangs really that long? Did he smile to him this softly or was it more like a grin? His hand… where did his hand go after it left Shion's face? What part of those memories was the truth? What did his mind change over the years?

Am I bound to forget…?

Without thinking, he stood up and walked to the window. Staring at the orange sky, he put both his hands against the glass, and soon rested his forehead between them.

Nezumi… where are you?
I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice.
Why can't I remember all the details of your features? The way your hair moves with the wind. The quiet sound of your breath while you're asleep. The way your eyes glimmer when you're making fun of me.
All those little things…

Shion realized that the more time passed, the more memories would fade away. If now it was only little details that were gone… will he eventually forget more? Sure, he had an amazing brain, but there was nothing he could do against the passage of time. It's not like he had any picture of Nezumi, or any recording of his voice. Also, the more he would suffer, the more his brain would try to help him… and forgetting was one way to do so. The rational part of his brain was telling him he had suffered enough, that he should let go of some memories and move on.

"No!" Shion shouted to himself, punching the glass next to his face. "No way! No way! I won't forget!"

I don't want to forget.
From the moment that we met, it has always been you.
My precious, irreplaceable person.
I can't forget. I will never forget.

Realization struck and he stopped breathing for a second.

Shion had spent the last four years with Nezumi never leaving his mind, and yet fragment of memories still managed to slip away. It must have been no different for Nezumi. He knew that Nezumi would never forget about him, but what if the memory had lost its importance?

What was I to you anyway? I was never able to know.
Nezumi… do you still remember your promise? Do you still remember that I'm waiting for you?

Shion knew it was foolish to think those things. No way Nezumi would forget. He believed it… or at least he wanted to believe it. He needed to believe it. And yet so much time had passed… He had spent so many stormy nights waiting by the window in vain; he had jumped out of his skin too many times after hearing a random sound in his apartment; he had spent too many mornings waking up and having forgotten for a second that Nezumi was gone, but turning around to face an empty bed… His mind wasn't thinking rationally anymore. And just like many other times, the pain inside his chest reached the limit of what Shion could bear, and he crumbled to the ground, sobbing helplessly.

Long minutes passed, and only the strangled sounds of Shion's crying could be heard in the room. The office grew darker as the sun went below the horizon, but Shion didn't notice it. As he knew he was alone in the building, he didn't hold back and let his tears flow out of his eyes until he couldn't cry anymore. He could still feel the pressure around his heart, but it was manageable again. Wiping his face and nose with a tissue, he wondered how he looked like, sitting on his office floor with his eyes swollen. A faint smile curved his lips.

Maybe it's a good thing that you can't see me right now, or you'd make fun of me for crying like a girl…

Shion stood up and leaned against the window again. His breathing wasn't regular yet, as a few remaining sobs kept escaping his throat, but he had calmed down a little.

Come back Nezumi… Don't make me wait for you another year… I can't handle it anymore.
There are so many things that I need to tell you… Please, let me talk to you again…

He looked at his desk where Tsukiyo was staring back at him. The poor little mouse was always scared of Shion's breakdowns. The white-haired boy smiled softly and took a few steps to pat Tsukiyo's head.

"I'm sorry, Tsukiyo. I'll be fine, don't worry."

The mouse chirped softly and climbed up on Shion's shoulder, nuzzling against his neck. Moving his eyes to the side, Shion spotted the pile of blank paper on his desk. Sitting down on his office chair, he turned on the desk's lamp, picked up a pen and started writing.

"Nezumi,

I don't have anywhere to send this letter to, but I wanted to write it anyway. I needed to write it.

You've been away for almost four years now, but to me it seems already much longer than the four years after our first meeting.

You taught me so much Nezumi. With you, I was able to accomplish things I would have never thought I could do. I was able to feel such a wide range of emotions… and I'm not only talking about… you know. I'm talking about the good things. How happy I was to simply share a meal with you every night. How mesmerized I was every time you were reading books out loud. How relieved I was when you woke up after collapsing. How perfect the world was when you kissed me, despite how heartbroken I was.

When you left, I had barely started to figure out what kind of person I was and what I was able to do. I've done my best to build a new city, a city which you and Safu could be proud of. I could never have done it without everything I learned while being with you. I can't lie to you, it was hard. It was hard because people wouldn't listen, because the mistakes of the past always threatened to repeat themselves; but most of all it was hard because you weren't there.

I know you had to go. I know it's been what you wanted all your life. You said you were afraid of me, and maybe I'm also able to understand why. Maybe I believe that when you have everything figured out, you will be able to come back like you promised. Maybe I know all of this, but it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't help me accept that even though I wanted to be by your side more than anything, it wasn't what you wanted. You didn't need me like I needed you.

When I told you before that I was attracted to you, you quickly dismissed me. But I wasn't lying. Maybe I didn't have your oratory skills, and I certainly never will, but I was telling the truth. You mean everything to me, Nezumi. This new city that I've helped building, the smiles of our friends (yes, I know they're your friends too), the warmth of my mother's home… everything seems meaningless without you here. But I told you this already as you left, didn't I?

Nezumi, I don't know where you are or what you're doing. I don't know if you're healthy, or even still alive. All I have to hold on to are your parting words, your promise… But it's getting harder and harder. Why didn't you ever send any news? Was the idea of being with me something you despised so much that you had to live out on your own for so long? Somehow I can't believe it… I don't want to believe it.

Nezumi, I could never forget you. As long as I live, even if you should never come back, I will wait for you to fulfill your promise and come back to me. And when that time comes, I will finally be able to tell you how much you mean to me, tell you exactly what I feel for you… and hopefully this time you will believe me.

You will probably never read this letter, but if those words could find their way to you somehow… Please Nezumi, I need to know that you're alright. Even the smallest sign would be enough. I need to know that you're alright…

I miss you, Nezumi. I miss you so much I almost can't deal with it sometimes…"

Shion let the pen fall back on the desk. Even if he had cried all he could moments before, a few tears had still escaped his eyes and fallen onto the paper as he was writing. Putting everything into words had been helpful somehow, and even though Shion felt that he hadn't conveyed half of what he wanted to, he knew that he had to stop writing. If he continued, he would probably beg Nezumi to come back, and it wasn't a side of him Nezumi would want to see. Even though the chances of him actually reading this letter were infinitely small.

Sighing deeply, Shion lay back in his chair and wiped the remaining tears off his face with his hand. Tsukiyo made a small sound against Shion's ear, and he took the little mouse in his hands.

"You wouldn't happen to have a sixth sense allowing you to find your master, would you?"

The mouse titled its head apologetically. Shion laughed softly and patted Tsukiyo's head.

"I was joking, don't worry. I'm glad you're here. I just… miss Nezumi too much sometimes."

Tsukiyo addressed him an encouraging chirp, making Shion smile again before he gently put the mouse on the desk. He looked outside the window. The sky was completely dark now, and Shion could only see small patches of light coming from houses and streetlamps. Even though, Shion couldn't face going home to his empty apartment just yet.

Sorry Mom… I know I promised to take it slow…
Nezumi… I'll be waiting for you. Even if my memories keep on fading away, I will keep on waiting.
Please Nezumi… Don't let me wait in vain.
Let me see your eyes. Just one more time.

Leaving the letter on his desk, Shion stood up and went to open the window, which had accidentally closed while he was leaning against it. Fresh air came in and he took a deep breath. The cold air filled his lungs and it was a welcome feeling after his earlier breakdown. Hesitantly, he looked down at the street which was leading to the office building. Just as expected, it was empty. Shion barely let out a sigh. It was just like every other night. He just had to get back into his routine, and keep waiting. Keep hoping.

It will be alright.
It has to be alright.

Shion turned around and went behind his desk to open his file cabinet. As he was looking through files, he didn't notice Tsukiyo jumping off the desk and running towards the open window. Nor did he notice the familiar shadow that had appeared in the previously empty street…

TO BE CONTINUED

Thank you for reading! I tried to end on a happier note… I've been having tons of ideas for the last chapter ever since I started the story, but with the holidays coming I might not have so much time. I guess I'll be posting the next chapter in January… I wish you all happy holidays, and see you next year! ^^