A sort of a Zoo Tale
Returning to the Ankh-Morpork City Zoo, by a roundabout route
The even more perplexing second chapter.
Johanna needed no directions as to where to find Doctor Berwin. At this time of day he was most likely to be down towards the river, where the Zoo capitalised on nearby running water to house its aquatic and amphibious species. She left her Assassins' School class to get on with its various assignments in observing and recording, and made an unhurried way through the Zoo clientele down towards the River, on the Turnwise side of the Zoo complex. A large crowd had gathered outside Djelibeybian River Crocodiles. These were the largest and meanest crocodile to be found anywhere on the Disc, a product of three thousand years of being sacred animals on a very good diet, and had been gifted to the Zoo by Pharoah Ptraci. (1) Her personal cartouche now ornamented the outside of the Crocodile Habitat, as did a small shrine to the crocodile god Offler. (2)
There was certainly nothing reverential in the way Doctor Bruce Berwin handled animals. A Fourecksian exchange wizard who had opted to stay in Ankh-Morpork, he had native animal handling skills that alternately thrilled and appalled Johanna. Other young wizards from Bugarup University were drawn to his orbit and were a useful adjunct to the Zoo's professional and volunteer workforce. Quite often the reptile houses rang and echoed with Fourecksian accents and the sort of robust language that made even Morporkian mothers cover their children's ears.
As Johanna pushed through an excited crowd, she heard
"Strewth, mate, this bastard's a bloody big bastard!"
She sighed and shook her head.
"Just grab the bastard, y'bastard, and bloody well hold on tight!"
The watching crowd ooh'd and ahh'd, enthralled by the sight.
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, you will see I am lying full-length on top of the crocodile, and this is a big powerful bloke, a gnarly old fella, a typical Djelibeybi River bull who won't take any crap from anybody. My associate here is now slipping the old lasso over his snout, and that will save me having to manually clamp his jaws closed. And isn't he a beauty!"
Doctor Bruce Berwin, a Fourecksian wizard, ran the University's detached premises at the Zoo. He had a lifetime's experience of dealing with both mundane and magical animal species. Although some of his handling methods... she sighed. Fourecksians shared a lot of characteristics with Rimwards Howondalandians. Both were citizens of former Ankh-Morporkian colonies who had been born and raised in inhospitable places with lots of interesting wildlife. And who had inculcated a bloody-minded "sod-you" attitude of independence and self-reliance. She just wished he didn't make such an un-necessary show of dealing with crocodiles and alligators. (10)
"Ripper!" the doctor pronounced. "As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, he's a big drongo bastard of a Djel Delta Crocodile, but six of us have got him down and subdued and he's now docile!"
Thirty feet of reptilian power suddenly rippled and heaved, shaking off a couple of wizards, and a low growling rumble emanated from between its tied jaws. Somebody was going to pay for this...
"Or else not." Bruce Berwin admitted. The crowd ooh'd. They wanted to see what every Ankh-Morporkian crowd wanted to see, which was shrieking painful death and rending limb from limb. It was quite dissappointing that the crazy Fourecksian had got away unscathed.
"But anyway, I see the boss-lady's arrived! A great big hand for Doctor Johanna Smith-Rhodes, people! She can help us hold the bastard down while the veterinary gives him a health-check. Careful with that thermometer, Doc, these fellas have long memories and from his point of view, you're adding insult to injury!"
Doctor Jimmy Folsom, Ankh-Morpork's de facto all-animal vet, stepped reluctantly forward. He was most used to horses, and treated most quadrupeds as if they were equine. Within limits. Johanna sighed and let herself into the enclosure, helping do what was needful to keep the creature immobile. She could have done without this and knew that Essence of Crocodile was going to be hard to get out of her tunic. But there were several student Assassins watching – she conceded they had a legitimate right to be there, as they'd been assigned to Crocodiles – and one, a Fourecksian, had even got onto the croc-wrangling squad.
"Ripper, isn't it, miss?" the student wrangler called, cheerfully. She sighed, and took station to immobilise a section of tail. Meanwhile, Doughnut Jimmy measured, weighed, took temperatures (the crocodile made a very affronted bellow of rage) and assessed.
"She'll be right, Doc?" Berwin inquired. "You've just got the teeth to go. I've got the jaws, you can see most of them from the outside, look!"
Doughnut Jimmy steeled himself, and scaled a fang just for the look of the thing. He pronounced himself satisfied, and said he had to move on to Lemurs, Marmosets, and Aye-Ayes.
Berwin shook his head.
"Rather you than me, Doc." he said. "Those are nasty little bastards and strewth, they can deliver a nasty bite if you're not careful!"
He patted the crocodile affectionately on the head. It growled. Jimmy Folsom left, after selecting his smallest possible thermometer.
Johanna said "Bruce, we've got some interesting new errivals I need you to take a look at. It needs a wizard's opinion, and we need to make a plen."
"Be right with you in two shakes of a dingo's donger, Johanna! Just got to let this fella back into the water. This is where it gets interesting, when we take the rope off the jaw. Might need your help here!"
"Whet beats me." Johanna said, "is thet we employ golems for this sort of thing. But you people insist on doing this by hend!"
Berwin grinned. "Wouldn't be any fun then, boss-lady! Now on the count of three, I want all deadweight bodies back over that flaming wall. We point this bastard at the chicken carcasses so he can have a snack. Then I pull on the slip-knot and we run like mad bastards. OK?"
Wizards who chose to work at the Zoo were generally the sort of younger, slimmer, more athletic types. Unseen University zoology taught the necessity of closely observing animal behaviour patterns, and the advisability of being young and fit enough to know when to run like Hell. Mustrum Ridcully himself had championed the move of the University's animal-handling faculties to the Zoo site, as a matter of some urgency when he'd discovered the University had a resident population of tigers, kept in the sort of magically-powered cage enclosures that Ponder Stibbons had noted would present management problems if for any reason the magic failed. A previous Arch-Chancellor had instituted a tiger collection in the old dribbly-candle age, when glands and secretions from tigers were thought most efficacious in certain magics, and having them on hand for the despised Thaumatology Department to deal with had been thought more effective on cost and time grounds than continually having to send field expeditions to Ghat.
The University had also kept crocodiles and alligators, again in the days where a mandatory part of wizard Boffo had been the stuffed alligator in the consulting rooms. Now the old alligator pits were used by the kitchen to grow mushrooms, and Thaumatology had been banished to the Zoo site, along with the School of Magical Taxidermy. Johanna approved of this; having taxidermists on site meant that any interesting animal dying in the normal cause of things could be dissected and preserved, with surplus specimens sold on to museums, schools, and private collectors.
While Mustrum Ridcully had despaired of an institution hell-bent on keeping large interesting animals but which flatly forbade him to bring his hunting crossbow past the front gate, he took solace in pitching in with those young fellas who look after yer crocodiles and things. He was sometimes to be seen joining Bruce Berwin's crocodile-wranglers, splashing around in the crocodile tank after the desired specimen and bellowing that he never realised how much fun a Zoo could be, this exercise is keepin' me fit and young, dontcherknow!
Owing to the long-standing association of crocodiles and wizards, the University sponsored the large reptile enclosures. Johanna appreciated this, but realised it meant her powers to intervene regarding their management were curtailed. She knew she could only ever suggest that the Zoo's golem keepers assisted in handling the crocodiles. Dealing with a Zoo where the various Trade Guilds (and some religions) each sponsored animals of interest took a lot of diplomacy.
In the calm quiet of the School of Crypto, Para, Neo and Shiftingly-Titled Zoology (UU), she introduced Berwin to the new arrivals, trucked in by golem from Verity Pushpram's fishery. She raised an eyebrow as an older wizard was led away, quietly whimpering, by gentle caring hands.
"There, there, old fellow. We've got some Dried Frog Pills in the first-aid box..."
"Poor old fella." Berwin remarked. "Prof Pennysmart does Extreme Horticulture, as you know. He's never been the same since that business with the jellyfish.(3) Show him things living in water and he goes all Bursar, poor bastard."
Pennysmart advised on the sort of flora that needed to be part of a specialised diet for really picky vegetarian species. And speaking of possibly specialised eaters...
Berwin whistled as he looked into the oyster tank.
"And y'say old Stibbo reckons there's magic involved here, but he's not sure what sort?"
"Exectly so, Doctor Berwin." she said. "Es megicel species are the University's area of expertise, I would eppreciate it if you were to keep these creatures under guarded observation here. Just for a few weeks, so thet eny issues erising cen be noted end epproprietly dealt with."
Issues arising in the management of magical species could cover anything from random magical discharges to a manifestation of the Fish God Dagon. Johanna had a contingency plan for that: Dagon would be invited to look in at the Aquariums to witness the loving attention with which His people were being cared for, and if possible to get testimonials. The Zoo Diner would put fish off the menu and lock the fridges. The thorny issue of fish-eating species was to be hedged around, if possible. Although penguins were sacred to Patina, Goddess of Wisdom and Gods generally took care to respect each other's demarcation lines. Divine visits were not unknown at the Zoo. Johanna had once appreciated a discussion with the God of Evolution concerning beetles. The god had graciously accepted a cup of tea, made a useful comment concerning beetle management (Johanna was not proud. She liked to learn from visiting experts), and placed His divine blessing on Entomology.
He had also courteously inquired about the Teatime Prize, an ongoing Assassin competition for the best-thought-out theoretical plan to inhume a supernatural entity, any sentient mortal protected by magic or gods, or perhaps even one of the Gods themselves? "Just between you and me, Doctor Smith-Rhodes, a few people on Dunmanifestin get a bit twitchy about this sort of thing."
Johanna had reassured the God by telling him that at present the Teatime Prize was strictly only theoretical, as the Guild had absolutely no interest in disrupting the entire Disc, nor incurring any demarcation trouble with the Priests, by going for the really big ones. She left the prospect open-ended; she was still a trained Assassin, and it paid to advertise.
She smiled at the thought her Guild could even worry the Gods, and turned her attention back to the matter at hand.
"I reckon," Berwin said, suddenly a professionally interested zoologist, "we need to keep these beauts at a couple of degrees above zero in an artificially darkened environment. Hook 'em up to a thaumic pump circulating a simulated but clean seawater and a regular tidal pattern, then add the right sort of nutrient mix, and she'll be right!"
"Thet is ecceptible." Johanna said. "Perts of the new subterranean Equarium are complete. We cen soon commence moving species in there prior to opening to the public. Ellow the species to settle into their new homes. You will be essigning student Wizards to observe end record?"
"I'll find a couple of students to sit by the tank." Berwin said. "There's always going to be a bloke who's got an essay to read up for and needs a quiet place to work. Get him to run an eye over your Quirmian supper in the tank, while he's there!"
Johanna smiled. Some species needed less watching than others, and large marine bivalves of the genus Ostreidae were not exactly mobile, aggressive or anything more than unavoidably territorial, in that once they settled to a place they could call home, they were fixed there. The only things to be wary of was that they were an unknown species, and that sort of bright blue was outside the parameters of what was normal for the genus. Which suggested something local or otherwise environmental; she suspected taken out of their bed and transplanted, their coloration would fade back to normal with time. But it would be interesting to visit the original beds in Quirm to seek to isolate the local factor; she reckoned it might be a useful training expedition for student Assassins, once the wizards had checked and reported for magic. She really didn't want pupil Assassins diving for oysters in the Quirm estuary and stirring up long-discarded magic. Parents would complain about any inadvertent damage.
She thanked Berwin and returned to the main Zoo, keeping an eye on her pupils' assignments and being visible to staff and visitors. She even got to look in on a few animals. The Purdeighsland Demon, a predatory marsupial with a terrible temper, appeared off its food and could only muster a feebly half-hearted snarl when she passed. It looked like the sort of woolly toy that girls of a certain age loved. She noted to ask its dedicated keeper (4) when she saw her next. She also noted in passing that the Amazing Acrobatic Meercats, a species inherited from the now defunct Palace Menagerie, were happily exercising to the pleasure of the public. They had manoevred the vaulting horse which they appeared to love out into their open space, and were perming acrobatic tricks on and over it. Johanna watched for a while, then shrugged and moved on. The meercats on watch at the fringes of the group appeared to relax and paid her no further attention.
She walked the length of the main concourse, until she finally came to the building site at its Turnwise end. A shallow ramp, flanked by large heaps of spoil and stacks of building materials, led down into the earth. A cheerful Dwarf was leading a pit pony up rails laid on the ramp. The pony was towing a currently empty flatbed truck.
"Where will I find Mr Thorsskyfell?" she inquired. The Dwarf smiled and invited her to descend into the workings, he'll be right down in the deep, miss.
She let herself down admiring the Dwarf builders' skill and expertise. They had assured her they could excavate under the Zoo site whilst causing little disruption and no unfortunate subsidence. Johanna had believed them: they were Dwarfs and knew about this sort of thing, and besides, they'd be tunnelling under a tiger enclosure from underneath. Nobody wants a surprised tiger dropping on top of them from forty feet, regardless of the fact a cat can usually land on all four paws. Or more pertinently, on top of a Dwarf with all four paws.
So far, the dig had gone without incident. The Dwarfs had shored up and supported the ground above as they had gone, and a network of pillars, girders, and supporting beams lined and supported a very broad tunnel. One of the Zoo's new animal acquisitions was already at home: a glass ceiling provided Home to colonies of vurms, the bioluminescent animal that provided sufficient light in many dwarf-mines. The whole point of the new downward extension was to provide homes to those species of animals and plants that lived in lower light. Planning suggested the vurms would be ample illumination. A thick glass ceiling would prevent them dropping onto people underneath, they could be fed from strategically located points on the surface, and a couple of gnomes or nickels could "herd" them and clean the glass when maintainence was called for. Nickels were goblin-like creatures who lived as a sort of deep-down goblin in Dwarf mines. There were several clans of them: Nickels, Kobolds, the less common Osmiums, and the fleetingly elusive Hassiums. Barely a foot tall, Nickels were tolerated in Dwarf workings for jobs involving smaller size or finesse.
Where the tunnel was competed, Dwarf and human workers were co-operating on building the animal environments that would occupy most of the space here. The site bustled with activity, and Johanna moved happily along it to the further end, where artificial light illuminated a place where Dwarfs were still shoring, walling, and hoisting ceiling supports to make safe as they moved deeper down. The theory would be that the deeper you went, the darker it got, and more truly nocturnal or light-shunning species might be displayed in perpetual near-darkness. Dwarf guides would be on hand to escort human visitors and explain what they were looking at, and an elevator would return visitors slowly to the surface at the end.
Johanna chatted to the Dwarf in charge, Thorsskyfell Thorsshammaresson. She learnt that the Deep Sea and Eternal Night galleries were three or four weeks away from completion and would be there ahead of schedule. Approving of this, a stray thought about meerkats crossed her mind and she frowned. She tried to visualise which enclosures were at surface-level, immediately and nearby to where she was standing. She beckoned a nearby Dwarf.
"Go to the surface end speak to eny of the keepers. Hev them bring several transit cages down here to where I am. Golem keepers, if you cen get them."
Right you are, miss." the dwarf said, touching his helmet.
Thorsskyfell Thorsshammaresson looked puzzled.
"Whåt is it thåt yøu are expecting, fru Smith-Rhødes?" he asked, in a strong Hublandish accent.
"It may be something, it may be nothing." Johanna said. "But I have wetched end observed enimels all my life. I hev a suspicion. If everyone could be wetchful, but not stop working? Thenk you."
They waited several minutes, Johanna watching part of the earth wall and roof that had not, as yet, been encased in concrete cladding. A few specks of earth dropped from about fifteen feet up.
Ah.
Thorsskyfell Thorsshammaresson gasped.
"Look out, lads! Could be a cave-in!" Dwarfs dropped tools, poised to run.
"It is not. Believe me." Johanna said.
She heard plodding golem feet in the distance. Johanna addressed the earth wall, seemingly talking to nobody in particular. She spoke in her native Vondalaans.
"Jy kan nou uitkom!" she said to the wall. "Almal van julle."
The earth trembled and fell, and one by one, several very reluctant meerkats emerged. One was carrying a crude spade and others had been filling bags with earth.
Johanna was not angry. She made the universal "tut-tut" gesture and waggled her finger in reproach. The meerkats hung their heads.
"Kry in die hokke, kollegas. Dankie." she said, indicating the animal cages. From somewhere above, there was a meerkatian squeak of alarm, and the sound of earth being hastily shovelled back into the escape tunnel.
The dejected meerkats got into the cages.
Where Do You Wish Us To Take Them, Miss Smith-Rhodes? asked Keeper Shtetl.
"I think to one of this isolation cages in the non-public area, Mr Shtetl." she requested. "Deprive them of en audience for perheps a week, but otherwise be lenient. Full diet. End please keep them together. They are social enimels. Solitary confinement would be cruel."
"Yøu åre ålløwing them their spådes to keep, fru?" the Dwarf overseer asked, diffidently. She smiled.
"Of course. The Amazing Meerkats are intelligent, lively, creatures. They like nothing more than to plen escapes. I permit this. It keeps my zookeepers end security elert. We both enjoy pleying the game. My concern is thet they do not come out in the tiger enclosure. Or that they do not escape into the City. Many people there would view them only es meat end fur."
One or two of the dwarf labourers, who had been thinking strange kind of rat, but what the heck, it's nearly lunchtime and we can clobber them with spades tried not to catch her eye.
"I will have rets sent down for your lunch." she said, looking at a suddenly sheepish Dwarf in a way that suggested she'd read his mind. "This was part of the contract, efter ell, end common rets are bred here as food for those species who eat them. Only the best!"
"Yeah, that's true!" an appreciative Dwarf said. Gourmet dinners on top of a good daily rate for working underground by vurmlight. This was the best site he'd ever worked on.
"They ünderstood yøu? They åre intelligent creåtures indeed!"
"We are all from Howondaland, Mr Thorsskyfell. When I instructed them to come out end get into the cages, there was no argument. We hev been here before and no doubt will be egain!"
She looked at the hole in the wall.
"End it may be wise to fill end cover this erea es a priority." she said. "The meerkats cen devise crude spades. But so far they hev not febricated tools for breaking through concrete."
Several weeks passed.
Doctor Berwin reported no unusual activity in the oyster tank, and had remarked the blue light was flaming well restful for poor bastards doing the red-eye shift, it'll be a shame to see them go.
Johanna authorised golems to move them to the Deep Sea and Eternal Night galleries and settled there, prior to its opening. The meerkats were returned from the cool environment of the confinement cages and returned to their colony. Johanna noticed twenty or thirty meerkats trying to form themselves into a humanoid pyramid that looked, from a distance, like the shape of a golem. As this amused visitors, especially when they tried to co-ordinate themselves to imitate the deliberate plodding step of a golem, she let it pass without comment.
The Deep Sea and Eternal Night Galleries were formally opened at midnight by Lord Vetinari, supported by Lady Margolotta of Überwald, on an informal state visit. Other dignatories such as Captain Angua of the City Watch and prominent members of the Undead community also attended. Johanna found herself explaining to Margalotta about the hammerkop bird of Rimwards Howondaland, a nocturnal bird of prey that lived on blood drawn from sleeping creatures, including humans.(5)
"Most impressive!" Lady Margolotta agreed, bending forward to regard the birds, who fearlessly stared back at her with little beady eyes. "Ex Howondalandia semper aliquid nova,(6) and so on. And you say this is the form local vampires take?"
"Ja, my lady. Natives call them impundulo, who come et night to drink their blood, often during thunderstorms."
Johanna had once, when much younger, inhumed a Zulu chief in his own kraal during a thunderstorm, reasoning that native fears would ensure she could be miles away before they realised, and pursuit could be organised.
Margolotta gave her an amused searching look. She realised her mind and memories were being read.
"And something a very good Assassin might take advantage of, no doubt. And are you certain this is only a bird?"
Margolotta – and the silent Vetinari – looked at her, searchingly.
"Efter thet business with the Howondalandian were-leopards, my lady, I assure you we take very great care of eny specimens known or suspected to be were-human forms." She recalled the were-leopards. They had caused trouble. (7)
"Can we be sure of that?" Vetinari asked, pointedly.
Margolotta smiled coolly at him.
"Havelock, there is nothing here but bird-intelligence." she assured him. "And don't you think I of all people should know?"
"End we elso hev enother exciting bird here." Johanna said. "May I show you the Hooded Mockingbird? It is nocturnal too, end lethal. Its diet is blood, but it takes it from prey species smaller than it is."
Margalotta enthused again over the vampire bats from Paraquat and the deep Tezuman jungles. These were kept in a simulated deep jungle habitat, kept tropically warm by technomancy provided by the University.
They passed on to the deep-sea aquarium. Deep Sea Bloatfish were kept here in sealed pressurised tanks. Only golems were allowed to handle them and tend the tanks, and any golem contaminated by bloatfish secretions had to undergo mandatory stream-cleaning afterwards to decontaminate him. Not even Bruce Berwin was inclined to wrestle one.
Vetinari was silently drawn to a tank that generated its own electric-blue light. He stood in silent contemplation for a while. Johanna frowned. If Vetinari took interest in a species of zoo animal, it could go in any direction. And this was a "species unknown", given the provisional name of Oreida Garumasusanna after the fishing trawler that had dredged them up. If Vetinari deemed them a danger to the City...
She judged her moment, and went to stand beside him.
"These oysters are new to science, my Lord." she said, quietly. "They were quarantined end tested, end judged safe for public viewing. Normally shellfish are not of great interest, but bioluminescent oysters should ettrect end enthral."
"Saucy Sue's Oysters." Vetinari translated.
"Efter the ship thet collected them, sir." she said. Vetinari did not reply.
After another minute of silent contemplation, he remarked
"There is some fine statuary in the library of Unseen University, Doctor Smith-Rhodes."
Johanna blinked. This was apropos of nothing, even for Vetinari. Usually when he made a sideways gnomic comment like this, he was expecting you to work something out, as if it were an abstract crossword clue.
"Perhaps Professor Stibbons and the Librarian could show it to you someday? No great rush."
He looked up.
"One could almost speculate that vurms have a collective intelligence." he remarked, pleasantly. "The ever-shifting patterns of light and darkness they create may well be a method of communicating. What research do you know of into communication with vermiform intelligences?"
And so the night opening proceeded. Vetinari made no further reference to the blue oysters.
But as the Nocturnal and Deep Sea Galleries were visited by members of the public, a new and even stranger development happened. Brown-robed and cowled monks began visiting the Zoo in groups. Being only human, they made their fifty pence entry tickets last. But the congregated around one particular marine animal... Johanna, who had been too busy to inquire about statues in the Library, found herself taking an interest. What the Hell was going on?
(1) Who, on ascending to the throne, had made it part of her manifesto to make the river crocodiles into an emphatically un-sacred animal by any means possible. Djelibeybi now had a thriving handbag and leatherworking industry whose exports had helped restore an economy made bankrupt by all those bloody pyramids. Capturing and exporting a few specimens for gifting to the Zoo, in a city that bought so many expensive luxury handbags, had been good for diplomatic relations as well as further reducing the river saurian population to manageable levels.
(2) It wasn't only Verity Pushpram who had to take Gods into account. The Zoo Trust also found it prudent to placate Gods who had a personal interest in their own sacred animals. It was safer that way.
(3) See The Science of Discworld III: Darwin's Watch, in which the hapless Pennysmart is dragooned into a field mission involving close inshore water and a tropical jellyfish, which we are told made his leg swell up to three times normal size and turn purple. Oddly enough, the same species totally ignored the Bursar when he went for a paddle amongst them, enthusing at the bright blue translucency. Johanna kept a few colonies at the AMU in an attempt to isolate the nature of the poison involved. She may not be an orthodox Assassin but this is the sort of thing the Guild likes.
(4) Who was currently on sick leave at the Lady Sybil. One of the Igors treating her was planning to petition Johanna about whether she needed at least a part-time Igor on the staff. The Zoo sounded professionally interesting to him.
(5) On our world, the Hammerkop is found in Southern Africa and many native tribes consider it a bird of ill-omen, the animal form adopted by local vampires. The other vampire bird referenced, the Hooded Mockingbird, lives in the Galapogos Islands, and its preferred prey are smaller birds and chicks.
(7) Ex Africa semper aliquid nova: the words of a Roman philosopher, reflecting Rome only had a foothold on the continent's rim, and wondering what else there was out there. There's always something new out of Africa...
(8 )See my story Whys and Weres.