By the end of the week, Famine had been defeated, and his ring not just collected, but destroyed. Dean and Castiel had gone back to the way they'd always been, except for a few small differences. Cas didn't invade the Hunter's personal space anymore, and when Cas popped into the room, Dean flinched involuntarily. Also, Dean never allowed the two of them to be alone together. The worst thing was, Dean didn't smile at him anymore, not genuinely. They were all small things, but together they were enough to make Castiel curse Famine with every fibre of his being, and wish that God had never made him. The ache in his chest was as familiar to him as his own Grace now, it never abated, and he never forgot that it was there.
Everything changed abruptly on their next hunt. They'd been ganking a coven of witches, and one of them had thrown a hex at Cas. It had messed with the control he had over his Grace, and his wings had slipped out. It was only for a few moments, before Dean killed the witch and the spell was broken, but that was all it took. The second they got back to the crummy motel they'd been staying in, Dean confronted him. Sam took one look at the pair of them before making a half-assed attempt at an excuse and high-tailing it out of there, dragging Gabriel and Bobby along with him on his way out. "Cas, what the fuck happened to your wings?"
Castiel just looked blankly back at him. Honestly, he had no idea what Dean was referring to. It wasn't like he regularly inspected them, he hadn't been aware that there was any change in his wings. "Is something different about them, Dean?" The Hunter snorted derisively at him. "Is something different? I'd fucking say so! They're not pure black anymore!" Castiel's eyes widened in surprise. He'd never heard of an angel's wings changing colour before. "What do you mean? What colour are they now?" Dean clenched his teeth in anger and confusion. "They've gone blue, Cas. Blue-black, like the night sky when there's a fucking quarter moon!"
Castiel stiffened as realisation hit him. His sadness and despair had tainted his wings, and Dean knew it. "I'm not an expert, but even I can guess what the colour blue is supposed to mean! What the hell happened? Why haven't you said anything?" Cas just sighed, his shoulders sagging. He was so damn tired of everything. He didn't want to care anymore, but damn him if he didn't. "There's nothing you could have done, Dean. There's nothing anybody could have done. It was inevitable. Caring about everything the way I do, it isn't just painful. Sometimes it's heartbreaking. The only way to change that would be to stop being myself, and that's no way to go about fixing things. You taught me that."
Dean's face contorted, but Cas didn't recognise the expression. "There's got to be something! There's always something!" Castiel just shook his head, smiling brokenly. "Not this time, Dean. You can't save everyone, my friend, though you try. I thought I'd taught you that already." Dean looked ready to either scream or cry, and Cas knew he didn't cry easily. "No! I can't accept that! There has to be some way to fix this!" Cas was still smiling at him, although his blue eyes were watering with unshed tears. "There's only one way to fix it, but it's never going to happen. It's time I accepted that. It's okay, Dean. It's not your fault. You still think my wings are beautiful, don't you?"
Dean stared at him, horrified. "Are you fucking kidding me? Cas, how can I look at your wings now without wishing that the Apocalypse had been successful and killed us all? No angel's wings should ever be any shade of blue. Any heart in the world would break at the sight of them." Castiel furrowed his brow, looking at Dean with worry. "Are you saying that my wings have broken your heart, Dean? How could they possibly do that?" Dean shook his head, incredulous. "Cas, how could they not? Do you think I like seeing you in pain? I've always hated it, but I always thought that you were strong enough to handle it, and you had your good days. But now… How could this happen? What broke you, Cas?"
Castiel turned away from the Hunter, staring out of the window. He refused to hide it anymore. "I fell in love, Dean. I fell deeply, desperately, painfully in love. It was unrequited, doomed from the beginning really. I should have known better, but it seems that the human population in general is correct when they say that you can't choose who you fall in love with. I was just unlucky, I guess." Dean looked utterly bewildered. "You fell in love with someone, and they didn't love you back? Who the hell is that stupid? Were they some kind of blind, deaf, brain-dead moron?"
Castiel snorted uncharacteristically. "No, they weren't physically or intellectually challenged. They were male, and heterosexual. They cared about me, but not in the same way that I cared for them. That was what made it so painful, really, being so close, and yet so far. That's the correct expression, isn't it? I even told him the truth, once, but I don't think he really heard me. If he did, he never mentioned it." There was an ominous silence, and Cas worriedly turned back to Dean. The Hunter was gaping at him, shocked speechless. Cas blushed, and looked away again. "Gay? You, an angel of the freaking Lord, are gay? God made a gay angel?" Castiel sighed, squeezing his eyes shut again. This was a bad idea.
"Angels don't have genders, Dean, only their vessels do. Then again, perhaps my vessel being male says something about me. All I know is that so far, I've never fallen in love with a woman." Dean looked like he'd just been told that pigs had learned how to fly, or that his baby brother Sammy was actually a Wendigo. Cas gave him a couple of minutes to think things over and get used to the idea. Eventually, Dean squirmed uncomfortably, but forced himself to say what he was thinking anyway. "Even if the guy was straight, I'm a little surprised he didn't… I don't know… turn bi for you. You're an amazing guy, Cas. You deserve to be with the person you love, no matter who that is."
Cas did start crying then. Thin streaks of shining saline moved silently down his cheeks. "Could you do it, if it was you? Could you turn bi for me?" Dean blushed bright red, and spluttered. "I thought we weren't mentioning that! Damn it Cas, you already know what I did! Or did you think that I always go around fucking guys?" Castiel shook his head sadly. "Fucking someone and making love with someone are two very different things, Dean. I already know that you'd be willing to have sex with me, if I really needed that of you. That's not what I'm asking."
Dean was still blushing, and shifting nervously from side to side. "Well, what are you asking then?" Castiel watched him carefully for his reaction to his next words. "I'm asking you if you could fall in love with me, Dean, if you could love me so much that you might someday want to marry me, and have a family with me. That's what being bisexual or homosexual really means. That's what I want from the man I'm in love with, what he couldn't give me." Dean thought about that for a minute, then shrugged. "I don't think being married to you would be a bad thing. Raising a family with you could be good, too. I meant it when I said that you're a good guy, Cas."
Castiel took in a sharp breath, and opened his mouth to try to say something, but the words died on his lips. It felt like he had an amphibian lodged in his throat. Dean wasn't finished, though. "I mean, don't get me wrong, you're not perfect. You're totally weird and frustrating, and lacking in all of the most basic social skills. Not to mention the fact that your Daddy issues were a freaking nightmare. But you're also really adorable when you don't get references, and most of the time it's actually endearing when you take phrases so literally. If I'm being totally honest, you're also incredibly sexy. I think that this guy you love would be really lucky to have you, Cas. Maybe if you give him a little more time, he'll be able to see that too."
Castiel couldn't take it anymore. He strode forward, gripped Dean's face, and kissed him hard on the lips. "It was you, Dean. It was always you." Dean gasped, and stiffened in surprise, before grabbing the front of Castiel's trenchcoat and pulling the angel closer, kissing him back enthusiastically. Castiel moaned into the Hunter's mouth, relief and happiness surging through him, completely overwhelming him. He was crying again, but for a completely different reason this time. From the very day he'd been made, he'd never once been this happy before.
They both jumped when they heard a noise outside. It was the Impala, Sam and Bobby were back, probably Gabe too. Dean shot Cas a conflicted glance, biting his lip anxiously. Castiel's face fell, his stomach twisting. "It's alright, Dean. You don't have to…" But Dean hurriedly cut him off. "No, Cas, it's not like that! I'm just not sure how to tell Sammy and Bobby, and until they know, I really don't want them hearing it from Gabe. I don't want to hide us from my family, but... Just, give me some time to think about what to say to them, okay? Until then, we can still be… together. I love you, Cas."
Castiel's eyes widened, and his wings slipped from his Grace for the second time that day. They were no longer blue-black. They weren't their original pure black again, either. Each individual feather started out with a dusky shade of red, which slowly bled into pink, then a warm orange, and then a bright, sunny yellow. It was as though each feather was a miniature sunset. They were the most beautiful things Dean had ever seen, far more beautiful than the pure black wings had been. He could place every colour; red for passion, pink for honest love, orange for contentment, and yellow for pure joy. Dean couldn't help but swoop in for one last quick kiss, before turning to face the door to their room. He sensed Cas disappear.
The angel was still too giddy to get his wings back into his Grace in time, so he'd left. If Gabriel saw his sunset-coloured wings now, the jig would officially be up. Sam and Bobby subtly looked around the room when they didn't see Cas there, then gave each other a contemplative glance which Dean missed, but they both just nodded, mutually agreeing not to say anything. Sam would question Cas when he got back, and Bobby would talk to Dean the next time the two were alone together, and when they'd both had their conversations, they'd compare notes. Gabe didn't even seem to notice that his brother wasn't there.
~X~
The next time they saw Cas was nine days later. Dean was worried, he'd tried calling the angel at least a dozen times every day, to no avail. When he finally showed up, he looked a bit pale and unsteady, but refused to tell any of them why. Dean had tried to insist that he stay behind on the hunt, but it was a particularly tricky one. Castiel had outright refused, insisting that he was fine. They'd been after a large nest of vampires. With all of the trouble over the Apocalypse and the angelic civil war, infestations of minor nasties had gone relatively ignored, and they'd made full use of the chance to multiply.
Two minutes into the fight, a petite female vampire had almost gotten in a lucky shot, coming within inches of stabbing Cas in his stomach. Not that her ordinary blade could have hurt him, of course, but she didn't know that yet. What happened then shocked everybody. Cas had recoiled, shouting 'No!' in the overwhelming voice of his true form, making the three humans' ears ring. His blinding Grace had flooded the building, instantly smiting all of the nasties. Dean and Bobby had managed to close their eyes just in time, and Gabriel had thrown his right hand over Sam's eyes the instant he'd sensed what was about to happen. When the light had faded, everyone turned to stare at Cas.
He'd fallen on his knees, trembling, pale and sweating. One arm was thrust out defensively in front of him, the other curled protectively around his stomach. His eyes were wide and unfocused, his pupils dilated. What really drew their attention though were his wings. They were out again, but gone were their colourful sunset hues. They were a sickly shade of grey, with the flight feathers dipped in a shade of yellow which could only be described as 'bile'. These were the colours of sheer, blinding terror. Dean shuddered, feeling a bit sick himself at the sight. Before anybody could say a word, Castiel disappeared.
Dean glared at the spot where he'd been. Not caring who heard him, he shouted at thin air. "Damn it Cas! If you don't either get back here right this second, or beam me up to wherever you're hiding, I'll hunt you down and kick your ass!" The next moment he found himself in the upper reaches of a gigantic Red Maple tree, where several large branches formed a natural hollow at their base, like a giant nest. It was filled with shredded leaves, papery flakes of bark, and dry grass. It looked incredibly soft. In the middle of the nest, Castiel was sitting huddled up, his knees held tightly to his chest, and his wings folded around his body. He wasn't rocking back and forth, or whimpering, but he was still shaking.
Dean carefully made his way over to the angel, and knelt in front of him. "Cas? Cas, look at me." Castiel lifted his face to look at the Hunter, his expression tormented. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to…" Dean frowned at him, not sure what he meant. Was he upset because he'd lost control of his Grace and almost blinded him? "It's okay, Cas. No harm, no foul. Sam and Bobby, they're both okay too. What happened back there? You've never lost control of your Grace before, even when you got injured." But Castiel couldn't talk anymore. He was shaking his head, and tears were sliding down his scrunched up face. His breathing was shallow and ragged.
Dean pulled the angel into his arms, and Cas clung to him desperately as he sobbed. "That's not… what I was talking… about." Dean rubbed his back soothingly, even more confused. If that wasn't it, what else could it be? "Before, when Famine… and then, when you were helping me… I'd already loved you… for a long time… but then I had you… only, I didn't, because you were just… trying to ease my suffering… You didn't love me… in the same way as I loved you… and it hurt so much, I… thought I'd die from the pain… It was even worse than… the hunger I'd felt…"
Dean winced. He'd had no idea that Castiel had felt that way about him, not at the time. It filled him with warmth to know just how much Cas loved him, and he found himself feeling very glad that the two of them had wound up being together romantically. Cas took a deep breath, and continued his explanation, his sobs slowly becoming more wrenching. "I wanted to be… a couple with you, Dean, to… have a home and a family with you… I could see it… in my mind, and it was… so perfect, so beautiful… But I didn't mean to, I swear it! I… didn't even know… what I'd done…"
Dean tightened his hold on the trembling angel, caressing his hair and back, trying to calm him down. "Whatever it was, it can't be that bad. It's okay, Cas." Castiel shook his head, vehemently disagreeing. "It is that bad! An hour after I… left the hotel room, I started… getting sick. That was… the first time I realised… what had happened… I could feel the change… in my body, and in my Grace… It was so subtle that… I'd missed it until then… but it was undeniable… I thought about… undoing it… making it like it had… never happened… but I just couldn't… I already loved… too much…"
Castiel's wretched sobs became choking, and he lost his ability to talk. Now Dean was really worried. Cas had been sick? He'd thought that angels couldn't get sick, ever. It even sounded like it was something he'd done to himself, without realising it. Why would Castiel subconsciously hurt himself? Was there a chance of him doing it again? What had he meant when he'd said he couldn't reverse it? Almost an hour later, when Castiel's sobbing had given way to hiccups, and then even those had begun to ease, Dean questioned his angel. "Cas, you've got to help me out here. I still don't understand. How did you make yourself sick?"
The angel clung even tighter to him, and whispered shakily. "I wanted a family with you so much, that my Grace made it possible, and it worked. I'm pregnant, Dean. I'm so sorry." Dean froze, not even breathing. He wanted to ask the angel if he'd misheard him, but he knew he hadn't. Cas had explained it pretty clearly. Well shit. What the fuck was he supposed to say to that? Castiel had already told him the 'how' and 'why' part of the story. The angel had wanted a family with Dean so desperately that his Grace had messed with his vessel's body to make it possible.
The 'who' and 'when' and 'where' parts were also pretty clear. Dean knew he was the only person Castiel had ever had sex with, and they'd only done it once, in Bobby's panic room. That made him the father. Was he the other father? Was Cas technically the mother? It didn't matter. All of these facts boiled down to the 'what'. Castiel was fucking pregnant, with his child. Okay Dean-o, take a deep breath. Good, now take a few more. When he'd stopped feeling dizzy, he thought about it some more. What would this mean for everyone? How would he deal with this if Castiel was an ordinary human woman, rather than a technically genderless angel who was wearing a male vessel?
This child wasn't planned for, and neither had it been made from their mutual love. Not really. At the time, Dean hadn't realised that he felt that way towards Cas. Maybe he'd already loved him deep down, but even if that was the case, he hadn't known it. He'd honestly thought he was just being a really generous friend repaying a few mountains of debts, helping out the best friend who needed him. But things had changed since then. He knew how he felt about Castiel now, how much he really loved him. But still, they'd only just become a couple, and now this? He hadn't even had a chance to tell Sam about them yet!
The timing… Well, okay, the timing could have been much worse. All of the biggest, baddest nasties were either dead or sealed. The only thing they were doing now was handling minor infestations of things like witches and vampires, and petty nasties like Poltergeists and Wendigos. They were also hunting not just in a pair, like Dean was used to, but an entire freaking pack, one which included two badass angels. If Castiel needed to take maternity leave, which he would judging by the events of that morning, it wouldn't exactly leave them too shorthanded.
He suddenly remembered something, and frowned at the memory. Cas had mentioned considering undoing the mojo, so that it would be as if he'd never gotten pregnant, as though he thought that was what Dean would want him to do, but he couldn't… Only, the way he'd said it, it had sounded more like he was able to, but the very thought of it made him want to be sick. He'd said that he already loved… Cas already loved the baby, far too much to make it go away and pretend that it had never existed. No, he couldn't do it even if that meant the angel would have to risk losing Dean, just hours after he'd finally gotten him. Dean's heart flooded with warmth at the realisation.
Yes, their relationship was as new and fragile as a fresh-laid egg, but he loved Cas, and Cas had made it very clear that he loved Dean more than the Hunter had ever realised. He didn't know if he was ready for a kid, especially one which was a half-angel, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let Castiel do this all alone. The kid was his too, and if he had Cas by his side, then they could get through this together. The two of them could do anything. Now that the most important decisions were made, everything else could just be dealt with as needed. He leaned back from Castiel, just enough to see the angel's face. There was fear in those gorgeous blue eyes of his, and a hint of resignation, and it damn near broke his heart.
"Cas, are you okay? Are you still feeling sick?" Of course, Castiel could tell what Dean was really asking. "I'm completely healthy, Dean. There's nothing to suggest that carrying the child to term would be detrimental to me. I'll be protected by my Grace." Dean smiled warmly at him, and gently swept a lock of hair from Castiel's face. "Good. There's nothing else to worry about, then. We'll figure this out together, you and me. It's gonna take more than a baby to scare me off." Castiel's eyes widened with surprise. "You're… you're not angry?" Dean shook his head. "I'm glad you kept it. You wouldn't be Cas if you hadn't."
As relief flooded the angel's body, tension and the last of his strength drained from him. He sagged against his human. "Do you want to come back with me? We've been gone for over an hour, the others must be really worried about us by now." Cas just nodded, exhausted, and the next thing Dean knew, he was lying on his motel bed, and Cas was slumped in the filthy armchair next to it. He could hear Sam in the shower, Bobby would be in the room next door, and there was never any telling where Gabriel might be. Dean shook his head at his angel, standing up and pulling Cas onto the bed with him. "You really think I'm going to let my pregnant lover sleep in a chair? Come on Cas, you need your rest."
Cas didn't argue with him about the whole 'angels don't sleep thing'. If Dean didn't mind, he was definitely not going to complain. They lay together on the bed, Dean stroking Castiel's hair until he was completely relaxed. When Dean heard the shower shut off, he slipped off the bed, and went to stand next to the bathroom door. Sam came out in sweats and an undershirt, ready for bed. He froze when he saw Cas laying on Dean's bed, and jumped when he heard his brother clear his throat behind him. "Sammy? Can we talk for a second?"
AN: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one should be up within a week. Please R&R! It's really appreciated.