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CHAPTER 07

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I convinced Raph to let me stay the rest of the night at April's with him. Maybe it was his condition or the fact that we'd only just gotten him back after weeks of absence, but I didn't feel good about leaving him alone there. He was too tired to argue. The sun was just starting to come up when we arrived and so we spent most of the next day sleeping through until late afternoon. It was the most consecutive hours of sleep I'd had since my brothers disappeared. It felt good, but I was still resting uneasily.

When I awoke, I couldn't find him in the apartment. I saw the window at the fire escape open a crack and followed through, finding him there on the roof. I watched him for a minute. He was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, looking out over the neighborhood, the tails of his mask trailing to one side in the wind. It reminded me of when we were kids. He always sat in that same position, staring off, whenever he'd gotten in trouble for something.

I came over and sat beside him. "Hey," I said. The sun was low in the sky behind us, just starting to dip behind the buildings, on its way to setting. "How are you doing?" I was afraid I already knew the answer.

"Not so good," he said. "Came out here to get some fresh air. I been locked up so long I almost forgot what the place looked like." He exhaled, his whole body seeming to shudder with it. "You gotta tie me up," he said. "Somethin'. I never gone more than two days, I think, without it happenin'. I can feel it now." He drew his knees in tighter. "I'm not gonna be able to keep it under control much longer, Leo."

"Okay. Just take it easy." I laid a hand on his shell for a second, before I stood and pulled my phone. "I'm going to call Donnie. Let's see what he thinks."

I paced the roof as we talked, putting a little distance between myself and Raph. I told Don what was going on and asked if he had anything that could help, suggesting maybe that we could sedate him.

"I'm not sure about giving him anything until I'm through researching what this is. I think a better suggestion would be to restrain him for now," he said.

"You mean lock him up?" I lowered my voice. "Don, we just busted him out of captivity. I'd rather not."

"I didn't necessarily mean cage him. I do have a straightjacket here at the lair."

I asked him like he was in need of one himself. "Why? Why do you have a straightjacket?" I was genuinely curious.

"I-I picked one up during my last hospital visit. I was getting supplies and I thought it might come in handy." I didn't respond. "Okay, what if we need to interrogate someone? It's good to have a reliable set of restraints." I continued the silent treatment. "Fine, you got me. Just don't tell Mikey, I've got him thinking it will make a good Halloween costume."

I sighed into the phone. "Just don't tie him up and forget him somewhere. We'll never hear the end of it."

Don showed less than an hour later with the white, buckled coat in hand. Just looking at it made my heart sink. This felt wrong. Raphael got a lot of flak for being the unstable one, sometimes jokingly, sometimes not, but I knew it got it him. He'd struggled with these demons all his life, his biggest fear that he would go too far and do something he'd regret. Putting him in a straightjacket just seemed like rock bottom for him, whether it was his fault or not. And I was tightening the straps.

When it was done, I looked at him. "Better?" I asked. He nodded, not wanting to look us in the eye. I don't think I'd ever felt worse for my brother than I did in that moment. He looked so defeated.

"Now you guys need to get outta here," he said.

Don and I shared a worried look. "We're not going to just leave you here tied up," I said. "Don, you head home. Keep looking for a cure. I'll stay here with him."

Raph started to protest. "Leo, this jacket ain't gonna stop me from tryin'. You gotta get outta sight." He thought for a second. "The storeroom, downstairs. It's got a padlock on it."

"Raph, no," I said. "This will be good enough-"

"It won't be good enough!" He started panting all of the sudden, unsteady on his feet. "Look, I need to get in there now. Just promise me you'll lock the door behind." He started for the stairs.

We had no choice. We followed him down, through the shop and into the corner, where the small, claustrophobic storage room was located. He waited in front of the door, rocking back and forth, looking like someone who just needed to use the restroom. I wished that's all it had been.

"Open it!" I did as he asked, too surprised by the way he was acting to do anything else. Inside, he turned to me. "Now lock it," he growled. "I don't care what you hear, do not open this door." He turned his back to me then, facing the opposite wall. I watched him just a second longer, listening as his breaths became more ragged, his entire body heaving with them. I was suddenly reminded again of the horror movies Mikey liked so much. I felt like I was watching him change, ready to transform into some monstrous beast. As it turned out, that analogy wasn't too far off the mark.

I shut the door with a bang and clicked the padlock in place just as he began screaming. A series of growls and guttural sounds came from the room, mixed with banging, smashing – he was thrashing around in there it sounded like. Soon the door began to shake on its frame as he threw his weight against it again and again. I just stood and stared. I was in total shock.

So was Donnie, apparently. I'd forgotten all about him. When I turned, he was standing a few feet behind me, his hand pressed over his mouth. His expression perfectly summed up my own thoughts. I was just glad Mikey wasn't here to witness this. Splinter too.

"Don?" I said, barely able to get the words out. "Go on back to the lair."

He looked at me, nodding. Without a word, he placed a phone, a new one, meant for Raph no doubt, on the counter. He hurried out after that.

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It was two hours before Raphael calmed down. I sat next to the door, my shell pressed up against the wall for the duration. Two hours, I listened to my brother act like a violent lunatic, screaming in unrecognizable fury, using his body to attack the walls around him. It was indescribable. I had seen Raph at his worst, at his angriest, his most maniacal; I had witnessed him go berserk both on and off the battlefield. Nothing compared to this. As hard as the revelation was, I could see he was right. I couldn't let him return to the lair. Not like this.

When he'd been quiet for a while, I called out his name. There was no response. I tried a few times, unsure of what I should do. Afraid he might have hurt himself, I decided to open the door.

He was lying on his side in the corner. I couldn't see his face. I said his name again. No response.

This is not a thing I admit to often, but I'll say it – I was scared. I was afraid at any moment he might just leap up and attack, that this was some sort of ploy to get me to lower my guard. The last thing I wanted to do was engage him in that state and I didn't know if I could properly defend myself without seriously hurting him too. All of those things were true. All of them were somewhere in my head.

None of them mattered. I fell to my knees beside him and grabbed him. His eyes were open, but unfocused. I tried to roll him over onto his back. I said his name again and again.

He blinked a few times, slow and confused, but started to come around. I sat him up. He looked the room over, zeroing in on me, and then on the open door behind me. "What happened?" he asked. I knew what he was really asking.

"Everything's fine," I told him. "I locked you in here, like you said. It's over now."

He relaxed. I wanted to undo his restraints but he wouldn't allow it. I wanted to tell him how impractical this was, because he was going to be in pain with his arms wrapped up like that soon enough (if he wasn't already), not to mention the fact that I wasn't going to hand feed him, let alone tend to his other needs. I saved it for now. I put both hands on his shoulders, facing him. "Are you hurt?"

"'M'fine."

I tried to choose my words carefully. "Are you sure? There was… a lot of noise in here." As in, you were screaming like a banshee and trying to bore a hole in the wall with your body, I thought. It was good Raph had no recollection of these episodes, I also thought.

"Yeah." He turned his head to one side, cracking his neck. "Sore, but I'm fine."

He wouldn't look at me. "Raph, listen. Donnie's working on this, okay? He's going to figure out something."

He huffed. "And what if he doesn't?" Finally, he looked me in the eye. "You gonna keep doin' this forever? Tyin' me up, lockin' me up? Listenin' while I flip my lid in here, and hope I don't break out? Forget it, Leo. I ain't doin' this." He sighed. "Shoulda stayed with the Dragons," he mumbled. "'Least you guys wouldn't have had to deal with it."

"Don't say that," I told him. I shook him a little, forcing him to look at me again. "Whatever it takes, we're going to get you out of this, Raph. I swear it." It was little reassurance. I could see my words were having no effect. Raphael was a born pessimist and the most difficult soldier when it came to keeping morale high. I found it hard to motivate him on a normal day. I wish I could have said differently, but it came as no surprise. He prided himself on being the strongest. To be reduced to such a state now was a personal hell. Don had to come to examine him and I of course stayed to keep an eye on him, but even long after he'd calmed down, he wouldn't even allow Mikey or Splinter to visit. I tried one more time, using what Mikey calls my 'leader voice.' "Raphael. No matter how long it takes to find a cure, you know we won't give up."

He nodded and rolled his eyes a little, looking uncomfortable. Okay, enough pep talk. I stood to exit, getting ready to head upstairs for some supplies. Raph was exhausted after his episode, and so I'd agreed to bring down some bedding for him, since he didn't want to leave the storeroom. Before I went out the door, he stopped me.

"Wait," he said. He was sitting with his back to me, talking over his shoulder. I stopped, putting a hand against the doorjamb. "Thanks for stayin' here with me," he said. He craned his neck around to look at me. It hit me all over again, how much this reminded me of us being kids, mainly because he had that same look, like he was in trouble for something. I was always the one to go find him and talk him down. That was something that never really changed, though instead of searching the sewer tunnels, these days I have to search the whole damn city to find him. But this wasn't his fault. If anything, it was mine. I led them into that warehouse in the first place, missing the obvious signs of a trap. I'd made things right with Donnie and Mike. I had to do the same for him.

I gave him a nod, and left.

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Hours later I got a call from Don. He had information, but wanted to come in person to talk. When he arrived, he brought us some supplies. Just a few days' worth, I noticed. I hoped that was a good sign.

We talked in the shop, where I'd taken up watch. Raph was snoring lightly inside the storeroom, but I'd convinced him to let me leave the door open for now. I agreed to lock him in at night when I was asleep, but I didn't want to imprison him in there any more than we had to. As soon as Don arrived, he looked in on Raph, watching him for a few seconds.

He stepped away and waved me over. He kept his voice low. "I think I have it narrowed down," he said. "I believe he's infected with a mutated strain of Dicrocoelium dendriticum, a parasitic fluke known to control the minds of ants. It's sensitive to the host's fear response. If it thinks the host is being threatened in any way, it triggers hormones to start flooding the temporal lobe, making everything go haywire."

'Haywire' was a good word for it. "Fear is what does it? What happened to him earlier, then?"

"My guess is he was probably stressed out by being here, around us. Ironically, worrying about it was the very thing that caused it to happen." He explained. "Fear manifests in many ways. He doesn't have to be terrified," Don said. "Anything the slightest bit upsetting could set him off."

"The slightest bit upsetting." I said.

"Uh-huh."

"And this thing is in Raphael."

"Um… yeah, I can see where this is a problem..."

"You think?" I sighed. "So how do we cure him?"

"Well… that's the tricky part. It's embedded in his brain. Surgery is out of the question. Antibiotics have been proven unsuccessful, and drug therapy as a whole, counterintuitive. It will fight anything, or rather, it will cause the host to fight anything threatening it. According to the case studies, he'll go berserk if we try giving him anything, and then his body will just reject it. This parasite is really something else, very resilient, it's impressive-"

"Don."

"Uh, right. Sorry. Well, there is one other way."

He paused there. And here came another one of Don's answers I knew I wasn't going to like. "Go on…" I said.

"This parasite is especially susceptible to cold. We could try freezing it out of him."

I was right again. I already didn't like the sound of this. I especially didn't like that he'd paused the conversation there again. "And how would we do that, exactly?"

"By lowering Raph's temperature. If we put him in a moderate to severe hypothermic state for a short period of time, it could kill the parasite."

"So what will that do to Raph?"

He looked away. "It… could kill him, in the process. Our bodies are not fully warm- or cold-blooded. We're hybrids, we share characteristics of both. It's hard to say what extreme temperatures will do, and it makes it really hard to pinpoint the exact temperature and length of time needed. I've never actually tested this sort of thing on us."

I wasn't hearing this. "Well forget it. You're not using Raph as an experiment. There has to be another way."

Don didn't look hopeful. "Other than trying to cut it out of him, I don't see any other option." He turned his look to the storeroom. "Like it or not Leo, this is all we've got."

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We stayed at April's for two more days. Don agreed to do more research into the matter, to see if he could nail down the exact formula to safely attempt what he'd proposed. He still wanted to go ahead with the hypothermia treatment, but I was extremely wary. I suggested we give it a few more days, let him crunch his numbers, and then I would consider it. Eventually I knew I would have no choice. Like most parasites, Don stated that this one would eventually kill its host when it was ready to move on. When I asked Don how long we had, he said he didn't have a clue.

Raph and I spent a lot of the time meditating together. I told him stories about my time searching for them, staying positive, and I found it was much easier to laugh about it all now in retrospect. I convinced him to come out of the storeroom for a few hours and watch a movie, though I made sure the choice in cinema was a mild one. Not hard, given that April's movie collection was full of romantic fluff. I put on a particularly bad one and we laughed all the way through it. Despite how things began, being there at April's wasn't too bad, considering; I might even describe it as fun. If it hadn't been for the fact that he was strapped into the white coat, it really didn't feel any different from any other time hanging out together.

We were in the kitchen, eating, when I heard the noise.

Raph heard it too. It was coming from downstairs, in the shop. I pulled my phone, checking to see if I'd missed a call from Don or something, but the screen was clear. I stood up. "Stay here," I told him.

I crept down the steps without a sound, listening. I heard something fall over and crash. Someone or something was definitely moving around down there. I pulled one sword and continued to the first landing. Right away I could see the culprits: ants, about four or five of them. There was no way they could have come in from the street, since I had helped board up the place myself and knew it was secure. I glanced around and saw that the door to the basement entrance (one that connected to the sewers for our convenience) was ajar. Bingo. I slid along the wall without them noticing and closed the door first, locking it before more could enter. The noise of the lock alerted them to my position, but I wasn't worried. I pulled my other sword and moved forward to attack.

The ants were large, about knee-high and aggressive, but they were no match for me. I speared the first two through, pinning them to the floor. The third I kicked away, retracted my right sword and lopped the head off of the fourth. Too easy. I sliced the fifth one clean in two. I moved forward to finish off the one I'd kicked; that's when I made a fatal error. Even after months of fighting these things, knowing that their vitals were not always easy to find, I'd let overconfidence in the situation cloud my judgment once again. One of the ants I'd impaled initially was still alive and when I turned my back on it, its pincers snapped together, taking a small chunk out of my calf.

If I just hadn't dropped my guard, if I hadn't let it surprise me – later I would play these thoughts over in my head like a guilty record. It was the noise I made, crying out when it bit me, that brought Raph downstairs to see what was going on. Just as I finished them off, my attention snapped to another sound: heavy breathing.

At first I didn't understand. I'd killed all of them, there was no threat. I looked around, to see if there was another I'd missed. That's when it hit me.

Bugs. Raph had an irrational fear of bugs.

"Raph? Raph, it's okay! Look, I took care of it, there's nothing to worry about-"

I didn't even get to finish my sentence. He rushed me, screaming, without warning.

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I just had time to sheath my swords and get my hands up to block before he tackled me. We hit the floor hard, my shell taking the impact, my spine rattling. His speed was hard to match. I got my fists up over my head in time as he pummeled me, but it was all I could do. His attacks were coming too fast. I managed to get a knee up and unbalance him, which gave me just enough time before his next punch. I hooked my arm around the back of his neck and got him in a hold. I shoved upwards with every bit of strength, flipping him off of me. I scrambled to get to my feet.

"Raph, stop! It's me! Raphael!"

Nothing, no recollection whatsoever. He flew at me again, growling and drooling like a beast, completely out of his mind. If only we hadn't been eating at the time, he would have at least been in the straightjacket, I thought. Yet another instance of turtle luck at work. I braced myself for his next attack, unsure of what my options were here. He tried to tackle me again but I dodged in time, sweeping a roundhouse into his neck and stunning him. I looked up at the storeroom. I had to get him inside and lock him up, it was the only way. I went on the defensive, trying to lure him in the direction of the room. I got as far as the shop's counter before he landed a crushing blow to my midsection, causing me to double over. He followed up with a knee to my face. I stumbled backwards, into the counter, amazed at what was happening. I couldn't believe how impossibly strong he was. And to think I'd been worried about hurting him.

He bull rushed me again and got me by the throat before I could recover. He dug his thumbs into my windpipe, crushing it, squeezing so hard my neck was in danger of snapping. I locked my arms around his and pulled outwards, straining, needing air. I got a foot up on his abdomen and shoved outwards, breaking his hold with such force I felt the glass of the counter crack inwards at my back. I ducked just as he swung, his strike going wide above my head.

I've sparred with Raph more times than I can even begin to count, and on the rare occasion, we've come to blows in a non-training situation, during one of his fits of rage. In both instances, I never felt like I was fighting for my life. No matter how angry Raph gets, he never takes it to that level; he'll leave me nursing bruises for weeks, but he's never gone too far. This was completely different, and I realized it immediately. Part of me wanted to believe that there was something in him aware enough not to kill me, but it became apparent right away that that little theory was wishful thinking at best. I needed to defend with everything I had.

"Raph, get a grip! It's me, Leo! I'm your brother!"

Still nothing; he didn't even acknowledge that I'd spoken at all. My back still pressed against the counter, I laid my palms on the top of it for leverage and lifted both feet off the ground, snapping my heels into him as hard as I could, trying desperately to put some distance between us. I knocked him back and flipped backwards myself, until I was behind the counter. As soon as I landed, he was there on the other side. I looked at him in shock, in disbelief at his speed. He surprised me with a jab to the eye, which I blocked, but it directed my attention away from his other hand, which went to the back of my head. Before I could stop him, he grabbed the knot in my mask and pulled downwards with terrible force, shoving my head towards the glass top of the counter.

The glass, its integrity already cracked and weakened, completely gave way. My face smashed through it and I was momentarily blinded by pain. I staggered backwards, trying to get my wits about me. I heard a scream and blinked, struggling to focus. He dove over the counter to get to me but I dodged, skidding backwards in the direction of my destination. Okay, I was close. I just had to lead him a little farther.

He crouched and pounced, landing on me in an instant. We rolled a couple of times until I could see the open door to the storeroom on my right. Still dazed, I headbutted him and reached my arms around, locking him down tight to my chest in another hold. He thrashed, but I held on. I took the opportunity to turn my head and spit, before I choked on the blood that had been filling up my mouth. With a grunt I slid backwards, dragging him with me. When I was sure I was close enough, I bucked, rolling backwards on my shell, and tossed him over my head and into the room behind.

I shot to my feet and slammed the door tight. Finally, I'd gotten him inside. I grabbed the padlock with shaky hands, slipping the metal through the hook. All I had to do was click it into place.

I never made it. The door exploded outwards with impossible force, stripping the lock clean from the wall. The door connected with my body, hitting my face and chest, sending me down onto my shell and causing me to skid several feet. He stood in the doorway just a second, crazed, eyes wide and unseeing, his head twitching to one side like he was under the remote control of some mad, schizophrenic master. He looked at me and bared his teeth, spit and blood mixing, running down his chin.

"Raph stop! Please!"

He answered me by ripping the register from the counter and chucking it at me. I dodged it and made it to my feet, but there was no time to block the next hit. He threw an uppercut into my jaw so hard, I was sure something in there was broken. He followed it up by gripping the side of my face and shoving me backwards. I lost balance, falling into a shelf full of curios. The shelf toppled with me on it, glass and ceramics shattering all around. I tried to get up, ignoring the pain of my palms grinding into the jagged pieces.

I didn't end up on the losing end of a fight often, but I was familiar with it enough to recognize when I was in real trouble. Raph was relentless in his attacks. He wasn't tiring and he didn't even react to my hits. I didn't know what to do. He told me he wouldn't stop, not until one of us was dead. I thought he was exaggerating. Desperate, I looked for an exit. Maybe if I could get myself out of sight, if he had nothing left to attack, he might return to his old self. I reached out for the nearest item, a segment from one of the ants I'd cut down earlier (and was I ever regretting that now). I tossed it at Raph, hitting him square in the chest with it, its juices leaving a wet, orange stain on him. He paused, stopping in his tracks and stared at it. If there was any question that some semblance of Raphael was still in there, that was the proof. I brought my leg around while he was confused and swept him off his feet. I hoped it would give me enough time.

I ran for the basement door. I fumbled with the latch, cursing myself for having locked it earlier. I could hear him coming up behind me. I thought if I could just get it open, maybe I could lose him in the tunnels below. I could go into stealth mode and watch him, follow him, until he calmed down. That was the plan I had going, at least.

I never got the chance to enact it. I pulled the handle, swinging the door wide. The next thing I knew I was hit from behind with the force of a freight train. The two of us fell together, a mess of arms and legs and body parts, down the entire flight of stone steps into the dark below. Somewhere I was vaguely aware that the maniac was still trying to punch me, even on the way down.

I landed sideways, my neck twisted against the wall and for a second I was sure I'd broken it. Only once* had I ever been beat up this bad in my life, and some part of me felt equally humbled and ashamed by it. Still, it made sense, in a way. Certainly none of our usual enemies were able to put up such a fight. Only my brothers were as skilled as I was and none of them would ever fight to the death like this. Until now.

I knew I wouldn't make it to the tunnels. I crawled to where he was, my body slippery with blood and sweat. He was momentarily stunned, on his hands and knees and shaking his head. I couldn't waste the opportunity. I latched onto his back, wrapping my arms around him and locked my wrist in my hand across his chest. His arms trapped at his sides, he couldn't free them to attack. He screamed like a demon possessed, whipping from side to side and it was everything I could do to hold on.

"Raph… get a hold of yourself! You can… do this!" I grunted with the strain. I had to hang onto him, there was no other choice. He bucked and thrashed like crazy and I felt something pop in my shoulder. It hurt like fire, but I wouldn't let go. He shoved against me, sliding backwards until we were against the wall. There, he rocked backwards, smashing me into it again and again. I struggled to remain conscious. I kept trying to reason with him.

"Remember when you almost killed Mikey!* You left the lair for a week… I found you by the docks, getting ready to… leave us for good. I knew you were sorry… I know you still are to this day!" He bashed me backwards again, so hard I could not keep my head from slamming off the brick. I was fading fast. "I know you don't want to do this! And I… forgive you."

I reached my limit. The world lurched forward in tunnel vision and my body gave out. My arms dropped, limp by my sides. I had just enough awareness to look up, ready to meet the final blow. My last thought was a mix of two awful realizations; one that I was about to die, and two, that Raph was going to come to, knowing that he was the one responsible.

The last blow never came. I saw his silhouette, standing over me with the light from the shop pouring down in. I couldn't see his features. I thought I heard him say something, before I finally collapsed on the basement floor, unconscious.

"Leo?"

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"Whoa, Leo… are you alright?" I woke to Michelangelo shaking me. He helped me sit up. I pressed a hand to my head and looked at the blood on it. "Oh no… dude hold on, lemme get Donnie."

He shouted for our medic and Don came down the stairs, his first aid kit slung over his shoulder, prepared as usual, though I had no idea how he knew to find me here like this. They helped me up the stairs and into better lighting, where Don began treating my injuries. I asked them about Raph, but they said he wasn't there.

"We have to find him," I said. "He must've run off." I knew I was hurt, but I didn't think anything was broken and I was eager to go after Raph. The city was still full of bugs. I didn't want to think of the trouble Raph was getting into out there, or if he was even himself at all. He seemed like he was under control when he left, but I wasn't sure. He didn't finish me off, so I assumed he must've come back down in the end.

"You're not going anywhere until I plug these holes." Don was threading a needle, so I knew stitches were soon to follow. I started to relay the story. I told them everything I could remember. For some reason, Mike and Don kept looking at each other. I supposed they were surprised at what I had to say. I could hardly believe Raph was in such a bad state myself.

"Mikey? Hold him." Mike did as he said, holding onto my right side and leaning his weight into me. I wasn't exactly sure what they were doing, but before I could ask, Don grabbed my left arm near the top and wrenched it inwards. I yelled out as pain shot through that whole side. "Sorry Leo," Don said. "The shoulder was dislocated. It should be fine now. Don't move for a second." He tied a sling and slipped it over my head, securing my arm inside. I looked at it, then at all the tape and bandages littering my body. Maybe I was worse off than I thought. It didn't matter. I just wanted to get to Raph before it was too late. I urged Don to hurry, so we could begin the search.

"And do what?" he asked. "Wander around the streets? Ask around if anyone's seen him?" He shook his head, thinking. "Mikey and I will search around for clues. You stay here." He looked at me strangely. "On second thought, Mike – you stay here with him, I'll search."

"Do I have to keep him awake?" Mike asked.

Don shook his head. "That's a myth. If he wants to sleep, let him. Just call me if anything out of the ordinary happens."

Mike laughed. "Think we're waaaay past that point already."

Firstly, I didn't appreciate them talking about me like I wasn't there. Secondly, I felt functional and thought we should all be out looking for Raph. I tried to argue the point with Don, but he ignored me and left. I couldn't believe it. Raphael was the priority here, and I was in charge – if I felt good enough to hit the streets, then I would do so. Don was good at playing doctor, but that didn't give him the right to order me around.

As soon as he left, I turned to Mike. "What's with him? And why are you asking him about me sleeping?"

Mike had a strange look, somewhere between concerned and amused. "You have a wicked concussion, Leo. Worse than I've ever seen."

I did feel a little fuzzy, but I didn't think it was serious. Certainly not noticeable. "That's ridiculous. It's not that bad."

Mike snorted in laughter. "Dude. You are not serious." He looked at me, grinning. "Well for one, you were repeating yourself like crazy. When you were telling us what happened? You said one thing like, three times. Plus you're slurring your words bad. I was wondering if you got into Casey's stash or something."

"Really?" I was skeptical. If it had been only Mike saying this I wouldn't have believed it, but that didn't account for Don's sudden attitude.

He nodded. "It was kinda scary, and kinda funny at the same time. You were so out of it you didn't even notice Don pulling all the glass out of you." He nodded to a pile of bloody shards in a bowl on the floor. "He thinks there's probably a few more in there, but you weren't exactly with it enough to tell us where it hurt, you know?"

I raised my good arm and looked at it, working the fingers on that hand. "Everything hurts good enough now," I said.

"No doubt." Mike was looking at me in awe. "I've never seen you so busted up. Can't believe Raph did this to you. I thought you were like, better than him… what gives?"

I gave him a sour look. "It was the parasite, okay? You didn't see him. He was… not himself." I changed the subject. "How did you guys find me, anyways?"

"Raph called us. He said you were hurt bad and Donnie needed to come, but he didn't say why. Donnie kinda put it together though, while we were coming over."

"Wait – Raph has a phone? We can track him through it!"

Mike shook his head. "Donnie already tried that. He said his phone's off and he pulled the battery." He shrugged. "Just like he always does, when he doesn't want us to find him." He looked down, picking at the pieces of a broken vase on the floor. "Donnie wouldn't let me come here, to visit. I wanted to see you guys – well, Raph mostly. I only really got to see him for a minute, when we were running from the Dragons."

I sighed. "He didn't want you to see him like this, Mikey." I looked around the room at the damage. April wasn't going to be thrilled, but it was hardly intentional. "Trust me, it's better you didn't."

Truer words were never spoken. I wished I could erase the memory. It was like something else was attacking me, some mindless, savage creature wearing my brother's skin. Even the physically repulsive things we faced in the hive weren't as unnerving. Maybe I should have listened to Raph after all. He was apprehensive about being out of the restraints. And now he was missing again. Even though he was infected, I still felt good about having him here, back with us. Just knowing where he was, was enough. I wasn't the only one feeling the rift in our family dynamic, though. I hated to see Mikey so down. I slid over and wrapped my good arm around his shoulders.

"Remember the days when we used to just fight Warriors-style street punks and evil ninjas? Maybe an alien race or two?" He sighed. "I just want things to go back to normal."

I smiled a little. "So do I little brother," I said. "So do I."

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Don returned a couple of hours later empty-handed, finding no evidence of Raphael or where he might have gone. We tried to make guesses, but nothing seemed right. He knew how to hide from us. If Raph didn't want to be found, then we would never find him. I called Sensei and April, telling them to be on the lookout just in case. I didn't really think he'd go to either of those places, especially in his condition, but it was worth a try. We three decided to camp out at April's place for the time being, in case he decided to come back. We kept our phones close.

We bedded down for the remainder of the night, Mikey and I on the couches, Don curled up on some bedding on the floor. With my delirium wearing off, the pain had begun to set in and I found sleep impossible with my screaming shoulder and a hundred other cuts and contusions. A reminder to never push Raph too far, I guess. I wondered where he was, right that second. Would he stay below? Maybe hole up in an abandoned shop or apartment somewhere? There were plenty of those to hide in these days. I was driving myself crazy thinking about it. I knew he felt responsible for what happened. Sensei used to tell me that no one was harder on Raph, than Raph. It took me years to fully understand, but when he was off touring the city, moping after another blowout, he wasn't off hating us. He was off hating himself.

Maybe I always knew. Wasn't that really why I always went to go find him, to bring him back home? I'd give him some time to calm down, and then figure he'd punished himself enough before starting the search. This time was different, though. This wasn't his fault. I thought I'd convinced him to stick this out, to fight it. I thought he'd let us help him find a solution. Instead he just ran away again. And this time I didn't know where to begin looking for him.

I lay there in the dark of April's apartment, listening to Mikey mumble in his sleep, picking up on Don snoring ever so lightly, and wondering if this was really it. Our team, our clan… our brotherhood, broken for good. None of those things existed without Raphael. Pure exhaustion was forcing my eyes closed but I did not want sleep. I wanted to be out there, running rooftops until my feet bled, looking for him, the missing piece of our clan.

It wasn't until I felt the vibration across my shell that I realized I actually had fallen asleep. My hand went to the offending device on instinct, before I was fully aware. Only when my fingers touched the phone did it hit me.

I snapped awake and looked at it. A message, coming in. It was from Raph.

"Guys, get up!"

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heard what donnie said about freezing the thing out

locked myself in a walk in freezer, grocery, 7th and Clarkson

leo i'm sorry

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I dialed the number back immediately, but he didn't answer. I left a message instead, calling him an idiot first, then telling him to hold on, and that we were coming. I told him I was fine and none of this was his fault. I told him I was sorry too.

We headed for the window. Don was looking into the map on his phone. "Best route is going to take us twenty minutes, minimum," he said. He didn't sound happy. "He could survive the temperature, but depending on the model of freezer, it might not be ventilated. In which case he's going to run out of air, quick. Especially if he loses control again – exerting himself will use up his oxygen twice as fast."

"Then there's no time to lose," I said. I told Don to take lead. He grabbed a couple of blankets from the couch on the way out, tossing them to Mike to carry. We took to the rooftops, moving faster than we ever had. Mike was still walking with a limp but you wouldn't know it now; Don, still weak from the assault on his nervous system, the same. Me, just hours after the second worst beating I'd ever taken in my life, using everything I had to move forward. Pain was an afterthought.

Even going at top speed, it seemed to take forever. Finally, Don shouted, pointing out the place he thought it was. It was a medium-sized grocery, brightly colored on the outside and lit up from within. Not all that surprising, since a lot of the neighborhoods still had power. The government had declared a state of emergency and forced the power companies to keep supplying the area, and so it was common to find many shops still looking operational, even though there was no one inside to operate them. We dropped to street level and headed in.

We rushed through the aisles and into the back of the store. "Over here!" I heard Don shout. We followed him back through a door marked 'Employees Only.' There, against the far wall, was the door to a large walk-in freezer. Don was already there. He pulled the handle and swung the door wide.

Raphael was inside, lying on the floor. He wasn't moving.

I was getting flashbacks; of finding Mike unconscious under the dock, of coming back from defeating the mantis queen and thinking Don was gone. Some broken logic told me this would be the same. We were going to grab him and I would find out that he was okay, that it only looked like he was dead.

I yelled at Mikey to hold the door. Don and I ran inside and grabbed each of his arms, dragging him out. He was limp in our hands and frigid to the touch. I tried calling his name. I noticed offhand that there were boxes and foodstuffs strewn all over and I remembered what Don said about him using too much oxygen in that state. I wasn't putting the pieces together yet. It wasn't making sense.

We laid him out on the floor of the grocery and tossed the blankets onto him. I kept shaking him and calling his name. Don had his wrist, checking for signs of life. After a few tense seconds, I looked up and Donnie was shaking his head. No pulse.

He slid over quickly and threw and arm out, pushing us off. The next thing I knew, Don was clasping his hands together over Raphael's chest, getting ready to administer CPR. I couldn't believe this was happening. We were too late. Raph was… gone.

Donnie, stone faced, situated his fingers and reared up. Before he even pressed down on the first pump, Raphael opened his eyes and gasped.

"Ah!" Don yelled in fright.

"Raph!" I said. Mike and I moved in closer. "Raph are you okay?"

Don was holding his chest and panting. "Hibernating," he said between breaths, "you were hibernating. I get it now."

Raphael looked around at us, drowsy, taking it in. We helped him sit up. "What took ya so long?" It came out more like: whaatook ya solong, he was slurring so much.

We grabbed the blankets and put them around his shoulders, trying to warm him up. Without a word I pushed my head into his shoulder, wrapping my one good arm around him. Mikey followed suit from the other side, and Don from the back, effectively giving Mr. Hardass Raphael the biggest group hug of his life.

He squirmed. "Jeez you guys… you think I'd died or somethin'." He chuckled.

We waited a little while, letting Raph thaw out in the blankets before attempting to head back. Now that I knew he was alive and well, I proceeded to tell him how reckless and idiotic this had been. I told him he should have let Don do this in a controlled environment, where we could have kept an eye on him. I told him all the things he already knew, even though I knew it wouldn't stop him from doing the next reckless thing.

"We don't even know if it worked," I said. "For all we know, the parasite is still in you." Everyone was silent for a second. Then, Mikey piped up.

"Oh! I got it." Mike reached back into one of his pouches and brought out a closed hand. He held it under Raphael's nose. "Heeey Raphie. Guess what I got," he said.

"What?" Raph was understandably suspicious.

Mike opened his hand slowly. The second Raph's eyes went to it, Mike brought his other hand around lightning fast, striking Raph across the face with a hard slap. Raphael bristled immediately and lunged for him, too slow from the cold to make contact. I held him back from pursuing it further.

"See?" Mikey said, looking at Don and I. "He's pissed, but not crazy. Well, no crazier than normal." I felt Raph lunge again and I pulled him back a second time.

"It's triggered by fear Mikey, not anger," Don said. "That might have been good enough to trigger it, but I think a more reliable test is in order."

We returned to April's and once again (and for what I hoped was the last time) we strapped Raphael back into his asylum gear. Inside the shop, I picked up pieces of the ant and held them close, testing him. "Anything?" I asked. He shook his head.

Mikey took it a step further (as usual) and picked up the head of another, shoving it into Raph's face. In a funny voice, he said, "Don't you love us Raph? Aren't we beautiful? Give us a kiss." He pushed it towards Raph's mouth, making smooching noises. Raphael stumbled backwards, disgusted and spitting a few of his more colorful words, all aimed at Mike.

I let it go on for a second or two, before stepping in. "Alright Mikey, I think he's in the clear. Congratulations, Raph. You're incredibly stupid stunt paid off." I had to smile. I was just too relieved. And well… I couldn't deny that what he did worked. But I did think he got pretty lucky.

I moved behind Raph and made to undo his straps. "Hold up a second," Mike said. I looked up and saw him with his phone out, holding it high. "I gotta get a picture of this."

"Mikey, don't!" Raph yelled. "I swear t'god Mikey, if you take that picture I will make you eat your own shell."

We all froze, eyes on Mikey. He just stared at Raph for a second, phone still in hand. "Click," he said out loud.

"Leo. Get me outta this friggin' coat."

Mike's fate was sealed. Don turned to him and said, "I wouldn't waste this head start, if I were you."

Grinning like a madman, Mikey ran for the basement exit. "See you guys back at the lair!" he yelled. "I'll send you each a copy!"

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I just wanted sleep, in the end. Everyone was safe and accounted for. I told them to stay put, I said it was my turn to disappear, and they laughed. They understood, though. I went up my room and sunk into the bed like I'd never seen one before, and there I slept for nearly twenty-four hours straight. I dreamed calm dreams, and was content.

When I woke up, Splinter called me into the dojo. I entered and kneeled, waiting to be addressed.

"Leonardo. You have shown that you can withstand even the most challenging of situations, both in the physical and mental disciplines. Your loyalty to your brothers and this clan is unprecedented. In all of my years, I have never encountered another warrior so devoted to his duty. I am proud, to call you my son."

He gestured for me to stand, and I did. We embraced and he said, "Thank you, for bringing my sons back to me." He turned his back to me and I thought I would be dismissed. Instead, he paused, speaking to me again over his shoulder. "It was very… interesting, watching you at work. I regret now that I do not often see the four of you apply your skills to the world above." He was talking about our shakedown of the Dragon gang. It wasn't often Splinter would join us topside. Most of our interactions with him involved training, and so I was of the same mind; getting to see my master apply his skills in a combat situation was something of a treat.

"Thank you, Sensei. I don't know if I could say it was fun exactly, but it was… refreshing, to partner up with you. We make a very good team, I think."

"Indeed." He smiled. "Go now. Your brothers are eager to show their appreciation as well. Be… patient with them."

I wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but I was about to find out.

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Still a bit groggy from my extended nap, I shuffled towards to kitchen, eager to fulfill another basic need. That's when all the noise started to happen. Barely had I set foot inside the kitchen when everyone came in, grabbing things out of the fridge and pulling out cookware. I tried to protest, but I already knew what was going on. Someone grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me down into a chair. The smell of breakfast foods soon filled the air.

"C'mon, you guys don't have to do this," I said.

"We know," Mike answered. "But we do it just for you, Leo. Did you know I had to infiltrate a secret grocery lab just to carry this bacon out of there? It was pretty intense. Don't even get me started on the information the eggs were holding out on." He giggled like a maniac, cracking shells into a pan. I watched as he flicked his hand a few times, trying to free it from goo, and then finally turned to wipe it off on the shell of an unsuspecting Raphael. I shook my head.

A large plate of greasy breakfast foods eventually made its way in front of me and even though it wasn't my preferred cuisine, I could appreciate the effort that went into it. I was actually a little embarrassed. "This is really great guys, thank you," I said. They all pulled their own chairs and joined me. We sat for a couple of hours there, sipping tea and coffee, laughing, talking, and catching up.

"So… what's the plan today?" Mike asked. "I'm feeling pretty good, I could probably keep up with whatever you guys wanna do."

"Still a lotta bugs out there," Raph suggested. "I got word from Angel, she's back in town. She's holed up just outside Chinatown. She said they're pourin' out into the streets like the sewers are on fire. I don't exactly like the idea of 'em taking up residence in our neck of the woods. Maybe we oughta take care of it."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Don said. He turned his laptop around for all of us to see. Bugs Squashed! the headline read. He pressed the 'play' button on the video broadcast. "As you can see, the military has taken care of the alien threat, destroyed the hives, and saved humanity," he said, the sarcasm heavy in his voice. I wasn't fazed. We were used to letting others take credit – it's what being a ninja was all about. I could tell it always bothered Don though, I think because he sometimes felt his contributions in general were underappreciated. I made a mental note, reminding myself to lay on a little more praise the next time he was showing off one of his gadgets. "The soldiers are pushing them back," he continued. "That's why they're heading in this direction. But, they've got the full military right on their heels. It's getting pretty hot out there. I think we should lay low for a while, just to be safe."

I watched the screen for a minute, but my decision had already been made. "Don's right. It's just too much gunfire for us to get involved. We'll keep a close eye on the situation. I'm sure there's going to be plenty of leftovers underground." I looked over at Raph, who was shifting in his seat. He was never happy at being grounded, but I had a feeling he wouldn't put up too much of a fight this time. "Besides," I said to him, "you're the only one in any shape to fight. If you think I'm going to sign off on any solo action right now, then you're ready to go back into that white coat."

He rolled his eyes. Mike snorted and ran with it, stating that he was going to have that picture of Raph he'd taken framed, that he was going wallpaper his room with it, and that he had to remember to look into getting it blown up to poster size. Mikey was really enjoying himself and would have kept going if his chair hadn't mysteriously toppled backwards, taking him with it.

"I still owe a visit to Hun," I said, leaning over and speaking to Raph. "He might not have orchestrated this little fiasco, but he did double-cross us. We can't go letting him think we're such an easy target." I stretched, thinking on it. "I'm sure he'll be expecting us, now that he knows we've got you back. He's probably surrounded himself with quite a few men…"

Raph gave me a sly smile. "Sounds like you're gonna need some back up."

"You know it." I raised my fist and bumped it with his. "Next week," I added. "This week… we're on vacation." I looked over to see Master Splinter in the doorway, watching, sipping from a small cup. He smiled at me and moved on.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone. I thought that saying didn't apply to me. I also know that even the wisest of men tends to find himself humbled when he least suspects it. Maybe I didn't fully appreciate these small things; these moments in-between, the mundane, the everyday. The life of a ninja is one filled with conflict by default. The life of a mutant ninja, even more so. Against rival clans and gangs, mutated monsters and humans with agendas, we often concentrated our efforts to protecting the ones who could not do so for themselves, all while staying hidden from those we sought to protect. It was a noble life and a unique one, to say the least. It was easy to appreciate those aspects of it, because I poured the entirety my focus into making my team better and stronger in order to deal with these challenges.

I leaned back in my chair and watched them. Living together, maintaining peace and camaraderie between us – this was a challenge too. Whether it was trying to entertain Mikey, suffering through Don's long explanations, or dealing with Raph's volatile nature, my role as leader extended far beyond that of the battlefield. But it wasn't all effort on my part. I was, and am, honored to be in the position to lead them, for we each have our roles. When I was stressed, Mike would make me laugh. When I was injured, Don was there to dress the wound. When I was in danger, Raph had my back. When they were gone, I could not focus on anything except getting them back. Without them, I was lost.

As I looked across our small kitchen, reflecting on the events of the last few weeks, I realized how much I did indeed appreciate every moment with them, no matter how insignificant it seemed. These were my brothers, my clan, and so they would be until we reached the end of our days. Just as I once took the fall for a broken vase, today I would gladly fall in battle to protect any one of their lives. There are times when they annoy me, frustrate me, defy my orders and test the very limits of my patience. They are a team of sophomoric, reckless, stubborn individuals.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

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- END -

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[A/N – *1. Leo's first beatdown - referencing the Mirage Leonardo micro-series (revisited in the first movie with Raph in place of Leo, and again in the 2k3 episode, The Shredder Strikes Back) *2. Raph almost kills Mikey in training - referencing the Mirage Raphael micro-series (revisited in the 2k3 episode Meet Casey Jones).]

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