A/N: hello :) as I said in the last update, I'm going away tomorrow so there won't be an update on any of my stories (including this one) for about a week.. to leave you all with something to read and be excited for, I have this short chapter now :)

I really hope you will like it! Please forgive me for any mistakes that may occur. I'm still a human being.. lol

I love you, thanks for the nice reviews :) and new followers, favorites etc.

Chapter 4

Studying the azure with James was a real good thing, but as it was getting late and cold we decided to go in. I watched James carefully lifting the telescope from its place. He'd told me that it was indeed an expensive piece, he'd called it a "treasure", so he insisted on taking it into his room and carrying it back outside every night rather than leaving it out there "unprotected" as he'd composed.

At that minute I'd made a mental note about buying some kind of protective tent for the telescope, so then he shouldn't bother with carrying the thing forth and back all the time. Although it seemed like a good idea for me, I could seriously picture him still not being able to leave it outside. He'd say "it feels better if I know that it's inside and safe".

I smiled.

His frame was beautifully lit by the almost full moon and I was glad that I stood in the shadow so he didn't see my expression.

I didn't want to give him the impression that I liked him too much, mainly now that he knew that I wasn't exactly straight.

But then he'd said he understood it.

Too bad that I couldn't trust him perfectly and I feared he was going to spread it in the school the minute he was going to get a chance to do so.

I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality but it just wasn't the way I wanted it to get out.. you know.

I was also afraid of what people would tell him if they found out that we were basically in one family now.

It was so unbelievable to see him being so kind to me, but so far he hadn't shown any disrespect towards me or mom.

I wonder how long it will last. I sighed closing the balcony door and waiting for James to reappear from the closet. Till people are going to tell him how miserable it is that he has got to live with me, the loser. Would it be tomorrow? Or the day after? Or next week?

"What are you thinking about so deeply?" James snapped me out and hopped onto the bed.

"Honestly?" I asked moving closer to the bed and then sitting onto the edge.

James nodded. "Of course. Why would I ask for a lie?"

"To make yourself feel better about something?" I wondered if what I said made sense at all.

This time James shook his head. "I don't think a lie would ever make me feel better about anything."

"And what if you ask your girlfriend if she loves you and even though she doesn't, she tells you that she does?" I had no idea why i started to speak about girls.

With another shake of his head James signaled that I was saying the wrong thing. "It would never happen."

"Why?"

"I would never ask a girl if she loves me. All of the girls, the ones I know, don't do love." He seemed pretty sad to me. I was sorry to upset him.

"I'm sorry if you have bad experiences." I said turning away and staring at the floor.

James slid down next to me, "It's okay. None of what happened to me is your fault, I know it. You don't have to be sorry about something you're not responsible for." His hand touched my thigh. It rested there and I looked at it like it was some kind of ugly thing, but actually I just didn't know why he was so kind to me. After all, it was me upsetting him a minute ago. I felt like I was missing out on something. James was too kind to me, let alone his father.

Why are you seeking every chance to make me feel better? I eyed his face and watched as a little smile showed around his lips. You obviously like what you see, don't you James? I didn't dare ask any of those questions though.

"So, what was it you were thinking about?" His lips moved but for a few seconds I didn't recognize the words he was saying. The way those lips formed to make sounds was ... a too nice sight for me to look at.

Looking into another direction I decided it was best if I asked what I wanted. "Why are you so kind to me, James?"

"I've been expecting this question." A heavy sigh left those perfect lips of his. I didn't question why, because I knew exactly why. So I let him think about his answer and my gaze turned back to him. "The right question would be "Why have I been so rude to you at school during all those years?". Because Carlos, that is the real problem, I know. And even if I say sorry for that, I also know that it is hard to forgive."

"Well, you keep surprising me." I managed to say because there was a too long and uncomfortable silence between us. "I suppose you're not going to answer neither of the questions. Right?"

"If I did, you'd hate me." Was his reply. His eyes sank into mine. "I know there's no excuse for hurting someone, anyone. Nobody deserves that. And I admit, I'm afraid I'd get the same treatment if you knew my reasons." Should I tell him that I know about his mother? But then, if he's got another reason, or more, then I'd be blown for talking him out with his father.

"Do you want to know a secret?" I took his hand into a strong grip. Damn, this is too gay. I hope you won't run out on me. When James nodded, I started speaking. "I have never hated you."

"I told you I don't want lies, Carlos." He sighed releasing his hand from my hold. All right. It was definitely too gay for you. "It's fine if you hated me, or if you still do. And I hate myself for saying this, but I'm not sure myself how tomorrow or any other day at school will go."

So he may be continuing to bully me.

"All right." I exhaled. "I tried not hating you, because as nobody deserves to be bullied, nobody deserves to be hated without actually being known. I know almost nothing about you, James. And I couldn't bring myself to hate you, because I don't know your reasons. Reasons are not excuses, yes. But I understand you're hurt yourself, you may be. And before I go after you, I want to know those reasons, so I can understand you better. I didn't hate you. I was just upset ... and never understood what I did to get this. I mean, I've never been in your way ... and ... you know.."

I see him going still. I was certain I was badly missing out on something.

"You're too kind, Carlos. I don't even deserve to know such a good person like you are." James sighed and lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "I don't understand how you can be so amazing after all I've done to you. I just don't get it."

"It's in my mother." I joined him on the mattress. "I'm who I am because she's been raising me to be someone and not just anyone. Someone that my papi would be proud of."

"He is proud of you, Carlos. I bet he's smiling down at you at this very moment, hitting his chest with his fits and yelling around heaven "that's my son, that is! See!". Just believe me, okay?"

I laughed. That was a very nice thought to imagine. "Okay." Our eyes met once again. I had to use the opportunity. "James, you're not a bad person either, okay? Everything since last nights tells me that you're a good man. I like this you, and even if you continue to be a jerk to me out of the house, I'll like you still, if you stay being so great inside these walls. Nobody is judging you here. You can be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do."

"Really?" James' smile was huge. One I'd only seen when he looked at the stars. I nodded. His hand found its place on my cheek. His skin was soft and warm, long fingers caressed me and the short hair behind my ear. I could feel his breath on my face. "I can be anyone and do anything I like here?" He whispered and came closer to me. Our noses touched and my eyes closed. Is this really happening? "I want to kiss you now." James said before crashing his lips against mine and moving ever so slowly and deliciously.

That was my first kiss.

And it was James Diamond kissing me.

I must be dreaming.