Chapter 8

The concert we went to was very great. Actually I had the best night of my life. Besides James' presence, I finally got to know Kendall's new "friend", who of course was more than a friend for him, but Logan appeared a nice guy so I didn't want to bring up my concerns about this sudden new relationship yet. For one because James was present, and just like before I did not want to embarrass Kendall with getting through very private stuff with an audience, and for two because I really had to get my head around my own problems first.

Or not.
I wasn't sure if this made me a bad friend, so I made a mental note to talk to Kendall sometime later. Better make sure that your friend is alright, yes?

On our way home Kendall drove, but he was of course part of the conversation, as ever, he wouldn't miss gossiping for all the money of the world. "Don't get us killed though." I joked as I noticed he was constantly glancing at James and I in the rear view mirror. Logan laughed and gave me a wink that didn't go unseen for James either and with that I also received a raise of eyebrows and a weird frown from my handsome stepbrother. Did he think Logan had his eyes on me as well as on Kendall? I'd find that out later, I thought.

While Kendall came up with some stupid lie that he was looking at the approaching cars behind us, I made my best to smile at Logan and James, and trying not blush because I knew too well that Kendall was observing me to see if we did anything with James. Was he really a pervert, or he did know something about James that I didn't. After all Kendall was attending a school far the other end of town, but James was a popular guy, as was his father. And me, well, me and gossip stood on the other side of the road. People could have talked anything about the Diamonds, and I would not even know.

Whatever. I trusted James. Kind of. I mean, we hadn't yet come to sort out our disagreements, but we were on the way. We'd done something together, went to a concert, and had fun! Laughed and talked and James seemed to enjoy himself a lot. I was very happy to have been there with him, them. I'd never had so many friends.

"You boys be good." I really, really didn't like the way Kendall eyed James. He hadn't told me earlier that he'd known him, or that he'd had anything to hold against him. And yet tonight all those weird looks given to my stepbrother offered me another reason to have a talk with Kendall.

"I'll make sure Carlos is good. I can't speak for myself though." James intended to make a joke, but the results were light, almost invisible. I grinned though.

Kendall shook his head and forced a smile to his lips. "We'll have to repeat the whole 'let's do something all together' thing. It was definitely fun." Within a heartbeat he pulled me into his arms and whispered in my ear. I was aware no one else could hear him because as if he had planned this previously, Logan spoke something to James, blocking Kendall's voice. "Carlitos, I swear if he hurts you again I won't forgive him so easily."

As I backed away and looked into his eyes I almost melted by the warm expression on his face. Kendall knew that James had made fun of me at school the other day and he had given him a chance, for me. On the other hand I knew that I was in for a rant for not being honest with him. I gritted my teeth. He was in for something from me too. Testing James like that wasn't nice, but he did it for me, and so I liked what he did.

Logan friendly shook my and James' hands and then he left with Kendall.

"They're really nice guys. You're lucky, Carlos." We were already in my room when James decided it was time we engage in conversation. I sat on my bed pulling off my boots and sighing. "I had a lot of fun, though Kendall's suspicious looks told me he either doesn't know that we're not in that kind of relationship, or doesn't believe that I can keep myself from you." That kind of relationship. The kind of that I promised myself to stay away from. Kendall feared me getting in trouble of the heart, while he was the one constantly putting his heart out on a silver plate for every nice or less nice person. They'd hurt him, he'd take it, move on and get hurt again. Wasn't he a little masochist though?

"He just wants to take care of me." I said. "We're like brothers, you know. He's older than me, it's just a couple of weeks, but he always comes with the I'm the big brother you just do as I say thing. He wants to protect me."

I glanced up to have my eyes on him as we speak but he wasn't standing in front of me anymore. Rather he sat next to me on the bed. I hadn't noticed. "I've never had friends like that." He whispered, like he was ashamed. "I'm quite closed up about such things. I've always been the bad kid, you know?" So I heard. "And so people don't trust me. I don't trust them either."

"You trust me though." Our eyes locked for a brief second.

"After all we are brothers in some twisted way. Heard that's what brothers do." He winked at me. Two winks at one night from two hot guys. What a good night it was.

"Despite how you talked to me the other day in school and yelled at me, I want this to work. Us, being brothers. Friends. I don't know why. That's just how I am. Always looking for peace. But ... even if it disturbs the peace I have to tell you something."

"No, you don't." James stopped me. I wanted to look him in the eye again but he avoided looking at me. "It's not a one time thing, Carlos. I can't really change who I am. When I feel I'm in some sort of danger I pull those walls up, defend myself any way I can. I become angry. I must say and do things to ... to calm down, to assure myself that the control is in my hands. That no one can hurt me. And then it doesn't matter who I take it out on... I just do it. And I hurt people. I'm an asshole. I don't want you to be on the line for that."

"Who hurt you?" That was the only thing I could think of. Somebody hurt him. Why? And then he smiled again. Why was he smiling now.

"You really are someone to love, Carlos." Possibly the heaviest sigh that I'd ever seen leave a man left James then. "Just don't care about me, okay? Don't want to like me any more than it's needed for us to be good friends."

"I don't understand." I really didn't. I was so confused.

"If you keep wanting to be so nice with everyone, Carlos, you'll just get yourself hurt, over and over again. There are mean people in the world who are not worth that." I was so much like Kendall. I realized it then. Neither of us did it on purpose, but somehow we'd both always gotten to burn ourselves while all we wanted was to love someone. "I couldn't give you all that openness that you see with Kendall and Logan."

"You mean, you don't want people to find out you like guys?" He shook his head. "Why? It's ... who you are. People will accept you that way." Then James sadly shook his head again.

"I know it's a coward-y thing to do. Nowadays it shouldn't be a problem... but I'm so young... I feel very unsure. Wouldn't like you to feel like you're some sort of life lesson for me, you know?"

I knew. "It's okay, James. But you'll have to get this sorted out with yourself. And," I pushed him a little just because I wanted to feel him, "I'll be right here to help you with that. Everyone must learn their lessons, one way or another. I'm sure I've yet got quite a lot of those too. But I'm not afraid.. well not always afraid." We both grinned. "I want to help you. Okay, James?"

"Thanks, Carlos." Rising, James said and then surprised me by quickly leaning down and touching his lips against mine ever so softly. Within seconds I was alone with my thoughts. My poor brain had a lot of work lately. I couldn't get James out of the 'crushing-on-zone'. I didn't really want to. And however James' words said he didn't want me having feelings for him, his actions screamed the opposite. He was starved to be loved.