Note: I have been having a hard time these last 2 weeks. Energy has been on an all time low and when i thought i had just a shed of it, it was gone the moment i came around to write. So i have been frustrated and i am sure it is visible in the chapter. Not one of my better, but i need to get something out, to get it out of my mind. Need to show myself that i still CAN! I got a feeling that the rest of this little story is going to suffer my unintended break and frustrations, since i have come away from my initial thoughts, but i will see if i can get back on track.
Ratchet stares satisfied at the black and purple frame on the berth in front of him. His hands and arms are drenched in drying energon and other fluids, but he ignores his dirtied state in the face of yet another medical victory.
Skywarp has survived his fifth close encounter with death.
Now is only to hope that the new weld is going to hold. If it doesn't they have no other choice but to try a transplant and pray for a success. At least they have the components in stock. It is one of the parts they have in abundance. It is a rare component to replace since either the mech is already dead when arriving at the medical bay with failures in the system or component, or is dying, suffering damages not instantly killing, but fatal enough that they are unable to salvage the mech through a transplant anyway.
Skywarp is one of the rare cases where they have been able to do something, where they have had the time to deal with the damages and prolong the seeker's survival. The fact that the reoccurring issue with the fuel pump isn't directly related to the component is a major factor in the black and purple seeker's continued survival. But it is annoying enough that the welds on the energon line are unable to hold.
With a sigh he looks from the prone frame to the energon drip slowly replenishing the drained frame. At the moment there is more energon outside Skywarps frame than inside it and the process of replacing the lost energon needs to go slowly to not strain the newly done welds as well as the fatigued systems.
"Call me if anything happens and you need my help." Firstaid's tired voice filters into the CMO's awareness and with faded optics Ratchet turns to look at his assistant medic.
"I will. Go and get some recharge." He replies with a tired smile; it is one of the rare gestures showing his satisfaction with his co-medic. Firstaid did well in assisting him in the emergency and Ratchet knows that Skywarp wouldn't have survived without the assistance of the both of them.
When Firstaid leaves the ICU room Ratchet turns to prepare the next few drops so he will just have to change them whenever the alarm alerts him to an empty drop. Then with energy-fatigued systems he staggers towards his office and the very tempting field berth located there. He needs his own recharge if he is going to be worth anything in the morning.
In fact he is in such a need for recharge that he doesn't even register when the door to the medical bay hours later opens with its usual small ping to his systems. Instead the medic recharges peacefully through even the heavy sound of dragging thrusters on the floor as a distinct frame walks across the room towards the door into the office.
"Ratchet…?" Thundercracker calls gently into the silence, having returned from his flight. He is weary about returning to his own quarters, and don't really want to return to the Aerialbots. He is still very much troubled and the flight did only little to sort his processor, which is why he is here, in the medical bay, to seek out advice from the only confident who knows him and his past, who might know the answers to the questions filling his mind and who truly cares for him.
The gentle swoosh of the door to the office sounds as Thundercracker keys it to open and when he looks into the dim darkness beyond he smiles caringly at the sight of his old friend resting in sound recharge. He feels bad about having to wake Ratchet, but he needs someone to talk to and the matter is something he finds hard to wait until the morning to address.
With the smile still on his lips, he silently walks into the room and kneels beside the berth. It is rare to see Ratchet like this, curled into a ball, one hand beneath his head as a pillow, the other held against his chest as if to protect himself in his recharge. Gone is the usual fearsome frown, instead the medic's features are untroubled and calm, the lips moving slightly now and then.
"Ratchet…" Thundercracker breathes into the medic's audio, hoping to rouse his friend as calmly as possible and not scare him too much in the process.
Unfortunately he just happens to do it at the exact same moment as a small continuous pinging sound begins in the distance and not a second later Ratchet's optics onlines and stares directly into Thundercracker's, only a few centimeters separating their faces.
The frown is back as blue optics adjusts to the darkness and then Ratchet sits up with a shock when his processor catches up with the fact that there is another mech staring at him up close, invading his private space.
"Oh my Primus, Thundercracker! You almost gave me a spark attack!" Ratchet breathes, holding a hand to his chest to try and calm down his wildly pulsing spark.
"I'm sorry about that Ratchet, but I need to talk to you." Thundercracker murmurs apologetically, his wings drooping low on his back.
"It is okay. I just need to do something, and then we can talk as long as you need." Ratchet reassures in a calm voice so far from his usual grouchiness. Thundercracker dutifully sits down on the berth as the medic rises to address the alert informing him that he need to change Skywarps energon drop.
Moments later he is back inside the office. Adjusting the light to a bearable intensity he sits down beside Thundercracker. The energon cube he offers the other as he sits down is ignored and the trembling and twitching wings are all indication he need to know that something serious is troubling the serkhar. With a sigh, Ratchet settles in a relaxed pose beside Thundercracker, giving the other time to sort his thoughts and tell him what is so wrong that he needed to wake the medic in the middle of the night.
When the silence just stretches on between them and Thundercracker keeps staring fixatedly on the floor beneath the berth, Ratchet gently places a hand on a blue thigh and caresses the plating in a calm and reassuring movement. They have the whole night to talk and he knows it won't work to push at the matter.
But when the gesture likewise is ignored Ratchet grows more and more concerned. Gently, belying his worry for the other, he reaches a hand to lift Thundercracker's head beneath the jawline, forcing the serkhar to look at him.
"Tell me what is troubling you?" he asks, almost pleads.
It is slowly killing him to see the ancient protector this vulnerable and affected. He can still remember the fierceness with which Thundercracker refused to give in and give up during the first hardships they encountered long before the Quintesson war became a war. He is the one that kept them together when everything seemed to fall apart around them.
He still vividly remembers Thundercracker's flinty optics staring defiantly into the faces of their former masters before he attacks, giving the rest of them time to escape yet another capture. He remembers the roars of pain when damages needed to be repaired without any form of anesthetics. And all this suffering is because of them, for them. Because Thundercracker cares so deeply about them all that he is willing to give his own life to make sure they survive and carry on. It is a marvel for all of them to watch the transformation happening in the serkhar, in their protector. And with each cycle he suffers their numbers grow.
Shaking himself out of the many memories that are trying to resurface, Ratchet refocuses on Thundercracker's pale blue optics. The pain and sorrow so evident in them almost causes Ratchet to shed a tear. Ingrained instincts created so very long ago screams inside him about how wrong this is. If Thundercracker is this vulnerable they are going to die! 'Do something. Do something!'
He is so caught up by his own internal distress that it takes a moment for him to realize that Thundercracker finally is speaking.
"Why didn't he leave together with the others you told me left Cybertron?" Thundercracker asks, his voice filled with the same pain and sorrow that is visible in his optics.
"Who?" Ratchet stalls for a moment, slowly regaining his composure. He can't allow himself to fall apart. He is stronger than this. Fraggit, he is the autobot medic from the Pit, he can damn well keep himself together until Thundercracker doesn't need his comfort anymore!
"Sunstar." The name is barely a croak and Thundercracker wrestles his head free of the gently touch to his jaw and returns to stare down at the floor.
"How do you know?" Ratchet asks, knowing very well that no one among the autobots or decepticons should know about the connection between the deceased Winglord and Thundercracker. And if they knew he can't imagine anyone among the autobots who would want to hurt Thundercracker like this. He knows that Prime avoided specifying this particular knowledge on Ratchet's own request, and even if Optimus had looked puzzled at the request, he had accepted it and followed it. So who?
There is once again a stretch of silence and just when Ratchet is convinced that Thundercracker isn't going to elaborate further, the serkhar looks up with, if possible, optics conveying even more pain than moments before.
"I saw him in a memory influx during my recharge, in a memory belonging to Starscream. I can only assume that my merge with him went so deep that it caused an unintentional transfer of memories between us, and that it has lingered in my sub processor until it surfaced in relation to one of my own memories of Sunstar." Thundercracker explains in a voice this time completely flat and devoid of any feelings. Then he looks away again, fleeing the deep care and concern visible in Ratchet's optics. He had been there, been the one to lead Starscream to Sunstar. He is as much a murderer as Starscream in this, and he can't handle Ratchets worry and care at the moment. He feels like purging, not only because of the memory, but of the fact that he has been enraptured by Starscream without knowing what the seeker has done. How can he ever look at Starscream and feel anything but spark deep pain?
"This is why I didn't like that you merged with him instead of the Aerialbots." Ratchet sighs, "One thing is to hear Prime explain what has transpired during the war, another is to experience it, especially second handedly through another's memory. You can't change the past, and that is what the memory is, no matter how real it feels in the moment you witnesses it. This is also why I preferred that you only merged with the Aerialbots. The merge can't go so deep that you unintentionally become a witness to unexpected memories and they are so young that they only have memories from our time here on Earth, sparing you the truth about the first vorns of the war where city-states either aligned with the decepticons or got wiped out. I wanted to spare you that pain." Ratchet explains in a soft voice.
"There have been so many pointless deaths in this war. I can't understand how you all can seem so unaffected by how few of us are left." Thundercracker sighs, "I don't know what to do Ratchet. I feel so lost. I miss my trine and the reassurance and comfort they provided. I know the regular merge keeps me from fading, but there is still a hole in my spark where Solarstorm used to be and my coding is frayed due to the broken trinebond. I don't know for how much longer I can remain sane. I had hoped that Starscream and Skywarp could have filled the emptiness within me, but now? I don't know. I need your advice in this Ratchet. While I trained them during their time at the Academy, you have seen them develop through the war. Starscream seem more like the seeker I remember than the seeker I experienced in the memory, but I don't feel like I know him anymore after witnessing what he did." Now that the words are out, Thundercracker already feels so much better. He can feel how his spark already feels lighter and the feelings aren't running rampart inside him, he is slowly regaining control and common sense. Turning his head to face Ratchet again he silently waits for what advice the medic has to give, a small hope blooming in his spark that Ratchet might have a way for him to regain his trust in Starscream.
Hope you dont feel that the end of this chapter is too much of a break, but i needed to stop mulling around with this one and try and move on to the next where you will see what Ratchet did suggest that Thundercracker does to regain his faith in his hopefully still to-be trinemates.