This chapter is for the most hated bastard in the land of Marimite universe. However, this is not dedicated to bash him out of his existence, but to humanize him, somehow. It was quite obvious that I like him so much, even though Sei doesn't trust him, even though he hurt Sachiko before, and even though he's always acting so smart-ass. I think that I want to defend his side and put some spine and flaws to him, flaws that everyone might agree and understand.

This is a little Kashiwagi/Yumi fic; I tried to deviate this from my fangirling tendencies, but I guess I failed once again. I am having some crisis about that pairing. Generally, I like Yumi/Sachiko centric fanfictions, however, liking Kashiwagi too, I could not help but notice their chemistry. Sorry. Please don't flame me. But if you bravely read this fic, then please account even on anything! The little plot . . . the wordplay . . . anything! I am so freaking desperate.

HOW THEY WISH IT WAS RAINING

-TheSilentReader-

Chapter 4: Kashiwagi Suguru

Sachiko's Eavesdropping

"You are not going beyond that sixty mark!"

"Am I really a bad driver?"

"Yes, you are! What if Sachiko-sama woke up because of your driving?"

I already was wide awake after I heard Yumi's voice from the passenger's seat. I lost consciousness again, after the long walks from the shopping district. Yumi had been exceedingly excited to roam around town, visiting different shops and establishments. The moment she received her requirements for her study plan, she immediately informed me about her excursion. We belonged to different departments—the college of architecture was too different from the arts and letters—I could not give her any advice about her particular course but only the general guidelines. Even their general course subjects were different from mine. Even though I terribly missed our youthful, sisterly closeness during high school, I could not guide my little butterfly as much as I wanted to.

I insisted that I join her at the district, as I squeezed my schedule to be the day of her trip. I devised a white lie, telling her that a sophomore, too, could still have tough adjustments as one ascend from a lower grade. She's a newly graduate from the prestigious Lillian Academy, and now she would be pursuing architecture in Lillian U. Before, I could just watch her from the side of the university grounds, she walking upon the gingko trees to Maria-sama's statue. Now, she can walk together with me, which is rather too cool in my part. Being her onee-sama, that is. She was quite famous among the uni students; she had done far greater achievements during her high school years as Rosa Chinensis. When the news broke out that she was going to Lillian U, many uni students had been enquiring about her. Particularly the members of a sorority of architecture students.

I am very particular with these people who pursuing my little Yumi to their organization. The first thought that came to my mind whenever I heard sorority was endless, pointless parties, and excessive drinking. Ever since I left high school, I was shocked with the culture that Lillian U had inside its garden. It was as if Maria-sama were not watching at all—the students have given freedom and liberty that chaos had been too normal. I wonder how Yumi would react in this kind of environment. I had a bizarre sense of cultural shock last year; how about her? If Lillian University had been this frenzied, then what would other universities be? If ever she accepted Tokyo U? Or even other universities that had offered Yumi?

"Yumi-chan, I'm not that insensitive."

"It's alright, as long as Onee-sama is not disturbed."

It was also exceedingly annoying that the first person that she should call after I felt lost consciousness was Suguru-san. I had always taken advantage of the fact that, both of them rub each other at the wrong places whenever they meet, as a defense that there would always be someone who would take my side. Like what happened two years ago. After she had heard that my misfortune over the driver, who happened to be my former fiancé, Yumi had always branded him as the sole weed that needs to be eradicated. The experience was too bitter, that to spite the man that has been my closest cousin was my only satisfaction—until I met Yumi.

My body was now covered with a makeshift blanket, something that has been inside Suguru-san's sports car ever since he acquired it. I happen to use the blanket most of the time, in many unremarkable situations, in many disappointing days. I have used it the first time I went to see my ill grandmother two years ago; I have used it the time that I first tried driving Suguru-san's car during one of my private driving lessons with him; I have used it the day that Yumi and I had a date at the amusement park. Now, I am using it again. It was of the same pattern, the same cloth, the same texture. I checked the blanket and rated its cleanliness; I noticed that Suguru-san had been regularly washing it.

Speaking of washing . . . had Suguru ever tried to do his own laundry?

"You know, it really hurts me that we are always fighting. I am not really bad, am I?"

That question suddenly slashed my train of thought into tiny little fragments. Never in my life that I have heard Suguru say such line of his sense of insignificance and lack of self-confidence. He was not flirting, like he used to do. It was not an easy banter that Yumi's radar was particularly sensitive, but of a sort of like a little boy, trying to please his girl playmate, for spoiling her new dress while playing at the sandbox. For me he was always the big brother, the kind who always has the right answers even to wrong questions. We occasionally fought, more so after he said that he was gay, but these were all just because of my misunderstood prejudice for him. He did not mind. He did not mind changing what I thought of him, for as long as he was able to get off with the silly arranged marriage. But, now, sensing Suguru's speck of desperation to ease Yumi was entirely upsetting. I felt slightly jealous and enraged, because I was foreseeing a dreadful future that could possibly be happening right now.

I could not just snapped out and act that I was finally awake just to break their flow of conversation—it was to disrespectful for Suguru's sake. Not only as I curious of what Yumi was thinking of him, but also of what Suguru-san had been thinking. All this time. He was never a person to speak of his true feelings; he tends to listen and give insights about what he heard. He never told her the truth that he just did not want to marry her, but instead, he said such a ridiculous lie for me to dislike him. Touko-chan and he were very alike—they rather have their reputation spoiled to the people that mattered to them, rather than to let them see their true feelings. But now, everything was out of sorts.

I heard a little sigh at the front passenger seat. The car had been running strangely smooth, and it was not honking along the highway with light-bending, turbulent speed. For the first time, I recommend this kind of driving from the devil himself. "You, know, Kashiwagi-san, you're not really bad." Another ream of silence enveloped the car. "I was very grateful that you're always there to support me, even at times that I've felt worst."

When on earth did that happen? And when did she ever confide to Suguru-san about anything that disturbed her, rather than to consult me first?

"Although you always give the most cryptic advices." I heard Yumi giggled.

Cryptic, that's what he is. In a way, Yumi and I have found an invisible thread that connects our minds. But, no one could ever cloud my mind in confusion other than him and Sei-sama. They always disagree with each other, but that was because they share common sentiments and viewpoints, although with different intentions. It was as if they could read each other's thoughts, and was not happy that they shared similar ideas. Beyond their jolly and devil-may-care exterior were dark secrets that they wanted to get themselves away from, pressures that they secretly hurdle. I could not even imagine Suguru to be close to anyone, except for Yuuki-san and Touko-chan. Even though Suguru claimed two years ago that he was homosexual, did not mean that he was particularly interested with Yumi's younger brother. The fact that Yuuki-san had been in several stages of hell just to capture Touko's special attention, while Suguru-san was delightfully endorsing the poor man to his cousin. Yet, questions still remained unanswered within me . . . when did Yumi appreciate Suguru-san more than she usually does?

And, when was the first time that they changed their attitude towards each other?

"It was not easy giving advices that I myself could not execute sometimes." I felt a small suggestion of guilt upon his voice. He continued, while I tried to appear unmoved, "Although I sometimes knew the answers, I could not just give them away like free instant coffee in a grocery store."

"You know grocery stores, Kashiwagi-san?"

"Of course I do. Being with Yukichi and Kobayashi brings you into a different world, sometimes." I could sense him grinning ridiculously.

"That's so rude."

"That was supposed to be a compliment." For Suguru and I, that is.

I caught, while trying to see though the small slits of my eyelids, an earnest expression that Yumi had while he faced a driving Suguru. He sighed as he continued. "Sometimes, people take such advices for granted because even a slight stress of effort was not done to discover them. Intuition could lead you to the right answers, if you are willing to face the truth behind them. Because right answers do not constantly convey goodness or positivity."

I looked at Suguru-san, without moving an inch, thinking of his situation that made him say those things. He was the only son of the current Kashiwagi patriarch. Of all her cousins, he was the oldest. He was the scion of a great company that his late grandfather ha founded, although the Kashiwagi family was very old, with very close relations with the Ogasawara. Everything was expected of him, as a son, as a future head of the family, of the company. At the age of twenty, he was expected to be prepared for them, that even if his father would have an untimely death, he could step into the old shoes without any splinter upon his toes. He was, after all, the only son of a very rich family, a successor to a very lucrative and successful company. "Otherwise, your search is fruitless."

"It must be hard, Kashiwagi-san, to be always on your own, right?"

Yumi said what no one would dare say to Kashiwagi.

"I guess. I claim my pride for the bounties that I've gain, like the advices I used to give you. They were hard to find. They're not free, as they should always be, but I've violated my personal mandate by giving you hints."

He did not laugh at what Yumi said. He took the blow without any resistance. I hate to admit this, although I am proud of Yumi about her special ability that Suguru-san was confiding at her in countless levels than I could account for myself. As if Yumi had been there all along.

"It took me a few months to discover the answers from your hints about Touko-chan, you know. I was quite proud of myself, that I've felt peace even at that tremulous time. For me to experience peace, not just for Touko but for everyone, gave me a clearer perspective about everything, about Touko's feelings, about my feelings."

Only the sound of the car's hum was heard.

It took a while for Suguru to reply. "I'm glad to hear that." He did not chuckle, but only joy was felt after I heard it.

"I wish that I could repay you for everything you've hinted." Yumi chuckled again.

Then, the rain began to pour. No one spoke as small drops of rain began to transform into big globules, as if it came from a thunderstorm. At that time, I felt the shiver, and unconsciously adjusted the blanket that was covering me.

Suguru might not want to hear this, but he was having a communion with my little Yumi, that later on, he might regret that he had gone far too close for comfort. Yumi might not want to hear this too, even from the mouth of her Onee-sama, that she could wrap anyone in her finger even with just a little effort. She was unconsciously manipulative, however never intimidating. Her honesty was rather a blessed sword. It does not scare you, but it could make you do everything just to see it again with your eyes. Suguru was now being struck by the blessed sword.

Suguru, may Maria-sama bless you.

"Why don't you go out with me."

No, I take that back.

Go out? What do you mean by that? Like a date? No, that is definitely out of the question! Even if you were my cousin! And even if you were gay!

"Are you flirting with me again, Kashiwagi-san? You know that's never going to work with me."

I was about to clap my hands in jubilation—I was so proud with Yumi's words—but I stopped myself, realizing that there would be more information to extract being in stealth mode, rather than to break into rampage and shut the whole conversation forever. But, who knows? Suguru-san might attempt to have his way with my cute little sister. I would not allow that. Not at all. Yumi deserved a better man than him—only that I could not think of anyone more worthy.

"No, I am not."

This is horrible. Kashiwagi Suguru: not flirting? This is becoming dangerous. Please do not lead this conversation to a future similar of what I foresee a while ago.

"You are joking, are you not, Kashiwagi-san?"

Please do not lead this conversation to a future similar of what I foresee a while ago.

"No. I am very serious about this."

I felt Yumi's life suddenly crumbling away, like dried sand against raging waves. "What about you being . . . being . . ."

Please do not lead this conversation to a future similar of what I foresee a while ago.

"I never said to you that I'm gay. I may lie to Sachiko about my sexuality, but I have never lied to you." You—you're not?

How dare you lie to me! Please don't—don't—do not lead this conversation to a future similar of what I foresee a while ago!

"But I still don't trust you, Kashiwagi-san."

Please do not—What?

That was an unexpected answer from Yumi. After all that she'd said her profound speech a while ago, now she was saying that she doesn't trust him? Isn't following someone's advice an indication of trust?

The rain was beginning to slow down, and the hum of the car was getting more pronounced than the late afternoon rain. Suguru-san was still not reacting from what Yumi said a while ago, which was making me more nervous. I was relieved that somehow Yumi was able to deflect the course of the conversation, and negate it entirely by initiating her mistrust to the man. But, must I rejoice to Suguru's despair?

"May I know why?"

His voice was dreadfully quiet; this was the first time I heard this tone from him.

Yumi's voice was lower than before that I had to inconspicuously adjust myself to hear her speak. In any way, the passenger's seat at the back was narrower and closer than the family car, therefore, a little shift was enough to hear her again. Oh, forgive me for having sinned. "You may have not lied to me before, but you might in the future. If you could lie to Onee-sama even though I know that you were close, then how am I going to expect that you would not do the same in the future?"

My Yumi had matured a lot. I was still shocked even by the selection of words that she used. When did she get to learn to decline without giving cute-little-dinosaur sounds?

"I tried to protect her from me."

What are you saying, Kashiwagi-san?

"I could not give her the half the love that she was willing to give me even when she was sixteen. I could not love her as a wife. I loved her dearly as a little sister, but never more to desire her. Do you understand me?"

Yumi remained quiet. Suguru, however, lowered her voice, because they were talking about me. I, on the other hand, remained as dead as a rock, trying to find balance while hearing Suguru's sentiments about me. I have never heard the real reason why he rejected me, and even if I discovered it out of eavesdropping, I don't care. It was about me.

"She was just sixteen. Although I know that maturity doesn't lie on age alone, I could not just let her emotions get to the real situation. She was always conforming to her parents, doing everything they wanted her to do. Without qualms, she obeyed. She never decided for herself. Even the marriage she was never consulted, as it was an agreement of my parents and hers. I am afraid that when the time comes, when everyone more powerful than her was gone, she could not be able to find herself again."

Oh my.

I wished I have a voice recorder. I felt stinging upon the rim of my eye. There was an eerie feeling that Onee-sama, Mizuno Youko, just whispered me to a lullaby. On second thought, she was probably in the middle of sneezing.

"But it was the other side of the coin. I was selfish too. You were right when you said that I want her to decide to cancel our engagement. It was because I was afraid to tell my father myself that I don't want to wed her. Because it would cause another disappointment for my father. There would be less injury for my pride if Sachiko would cancel it herself."

I also thought about that probability, we knowing each other do well. Oh, you selfish imp.

"But, still, Kashiwagi-san. I couldn't go out with you yet."

That's my girl. "Why not? It would just be a cup of tea."

"I want to have my feelings sorted out before I go out with anyone."

Therefore . . . ? "Yumi, it would just be a cup of tea."

"Tea?"

"Yes, just tea."

"Not a date?"

Of course not! "Depends on how you see it. You see it as a mere 'thank you teatime' while I considered it as a date."

"That's unfair. You will have your way with me."

"That's all I ask of you in return,"

"Alright, alright, fine."

"For now."

"That is so unfair. We're quits after we have tea. Nothing more. And I am still angry about you lying to Onee-sama."

"You're not happy that I'm not gay?"

Yumi was quiet again, until she squeaked with delight. "I guess I am. Because that would confirm that you did not attempt anything ecchi to my little brother. When I thought about it, I want to bury you alive because, of all people, you target Yuuki as your punching bag at flirting."

"I never touched him. Although I pecked at him one time . . ."

"Kashiwagi-san, do not joke about my brother!"

"Shhhh. Be quiet. Sa-chan might hear all of this. Are you going to keep this a secret from her?"

"What secret?"

"The date."

"Yes, I'm going to tell her later. But not now. She's tired."

"She'll most likely be enraged at me trying to steal you away."

"I would not let myself be stolen away. Besides, you're Kashiwagi-san. I don't think you're interested with the likes of me."

"Have you not been listening to anything that I say?"

"Does she know that you're not gay?"

"Who? Sa-chan? I would not care. But if you accept my request for a date, I probably have no choice but to tell her the truth."

"You're kidding."

"I'm serious."

"Yumi?" I intervened. I could not take any more "I'm serious" from my cousin. I noticed their agitation upon hearing my voice, and quickly acted as if nothing happened, as if there were no conversation between them. Yumi turned her face at me. "What were you serious about, Suguru-san?" I muttered.

Oh, there, he crawled back in his old skin again. My cousin had changed his demeanor to all flirty but detached. He was hiding his feelings again, in front of me. He laughed nonchalantly, and said, "Oh, Sa-chan, that was nothing. I was just teasing Yumi-chan here." He reached out his hand to my petite souer and ruffled her hair. "Right, Yumi-chan."

Yumi too, became different. Her answer was not like I used to overhear a while ago. "I—I guess so."

"Yumi?" I tried to ask again, in case that she changed her mind about keeping her secret from me.

"It's nothing of importance, Onee-sama."

The car bolted beyond the sixty mark, and was now speeding up to the point that I was beginning to get carsick again. This was a way for Suguru-san to get over an obvious lie that Yumi had just said. That conversation, somehow, weighed more than they wanted to admit, more than she wanted it to be. It was written all over her face, that she still could not understand my cousin, and because of that, she could not trust her more than she wanted to. She knew that he's dependable and kind.

Yumi once again scolded Suguru-san. He complied again. All were quiet.

I suddenly wondered why I never got car-sick while eaves-dropping to their conversation.