Hi guys, I've posted this story a while back, but I decided to reread it, correct it and finish it. I hope you'll read the corrections and then the new chapters I'll write.

This story contains a lot of dark themes (self-harm, self-hate, suicidal thoughts) and might be hard for some to read. If it triggers something for you, don't be afraid to reach out for help. Nobody is more courageous than someone who asks for help to get better.

Chapter 1: I think there's something wrong with me

Emily's POV

I'm sitting on my window seat, lost in thoughts, when my mother comes into my room to bring me back my clean clothes. She looks at me and instantly sees that I'm crying.

"Honey, what's wrong?" My mom asks as she sits down next to me.

I search deeply in her eyes, trying to find some form of comfort. There isn't any. Her eyes are warm, but dark nonetheless. I want to get out what's on my mind, but I don't think I should. Not to her.

"I think there's something wrong with me..."

"What? Emily, there's nothing wrong with you." My mom tells me and hugs me. "You're excellent at school, and you are captain of the school's swim team. Everything is perfect. You are perfect."

"You're right. I just had a long day; I think I'll read for a while." I let out with a fake smile.

"Alright, honey. Don't go to bed too late; you need some rest." She kisses my forehead and leaves my room, unaware that she didn't help at all.

Tears start to run down my cheeks again. Perfect. Normal. Those are words that I wish could apply to me. But they don't. I'm not perfect. All my friends are dreaming about their future husbands, and I'm not. They are all planning which boy they want to go out with. I'm not. The only person I think of -all the time- is Spencer. A girl. My best friend. That's not normal. That's not perfect. That should not be happening. I should be able to drool over the boys in our year with Hanna. But I can't. I don't feel anything towards them. I just don't care. Spencer, on the other hand... Fuck! I'm messed up! I reach down under the same cushion as always, and I can breathe again once my hand closes around my razor blade. I roll up my sleeve and look down at my arm. There are already many cuts there, but for the most part, they are healed. I bring the blade to my skin and slice it open a few times. There might be tears still leaking out of my eyes, but I don't feel anything. Nothing except emptiness. Blood is starting to trickle down my arms, forcing me to stop. I wipe it with a tissue, making sure not to soil anything. My phone chimes, making me jump.

Spence: Do you want to come over? I'm feeling lonely. Melissa and my parents are gone to Philly for the weekend. And I miss you already...

An instant smile appears on my lips.

Me: Of course? Will Han and Aria be there?

Spence: Yes. Will you come over for the night?

I'm disappointed; I wish I could be alone with her. I don't really feel like having a sleepover, but I really want to see her.

Me: Be over in ten minutes, okay?

Spence: Yes, see u soon. xx

I pack a bag with everything I need for the night—not forgetting to pack an extra sweater to hide the new cuts on my arm—and go downstairs to tell my mom I'm spending the night at Spencer's.

Spencer's POV

Someone knocks on the door. I run downstairs to open it. As soon as Emily sees me, she smiles. But something is different in the way she does it. Actually, her smile has been off for a few weeks. She still acts the same, but when I look at her, unbeknownst to her, I can see something different in her behaviour. Something... dark-er.

"Hi, Em," I greet her as I hug her.

"Hey, Spence," she answers quickly, turning her head a little bit—almost like she doesn't want me to look at her.

"Come sit down." I sit on the couch and wait for her to sit next to me. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" She is still avoiding my gaze.

"Em, look at me."

She doesn't. As I intend to take her face in my hands to guide her, someone knocks on the door. It's Hanna and Aria. When we go back to the living room, where Emily is sitting, the sadness I saw on her face earlier is gone. I look at her, and she smiles; she's definitely hiding something.

"What do you want to do?" Aria asks.

"It doesn't matter as long as it involves alcohol," Hanna replies with a smirk.

"Yeah, speak for yourself." Emily argues.

"Same here; I don't want to drink." I admit, not wanting to leave Emily to herself tonight.

"Well, I'll drink with you, Han." Aria adds.

"Nice! The sleepover can officially start!" Hanna exclaims.

She takes a bottle of alcohol out of her bag, and Aria goes in the kitchen to take two empty glasses and two water bottles for Emily and me.

...

"I think Hanna is pretty drunk." Emily whispers in my ear around midnight.

"Yes, and so is Aria." I add, laughing.

"Hey, I... Heard you... I'm so not... drunk." Hanna argues as she sits next to Emily and smacks her jokingly on the arm.

Emily bites her lip, like she is holding back a scream. She gets up and excuses herself to the bathroom. Weird... While Emily is gone, I watch Hanna and Aria play around and have their drunken fun. It normally amuses me to watch them, but right now I can't seem to bring myself to care. I'm worried about Emily.

Once she gets back, we all agree that it is time to go to bed. Emily and I make sure that Hanna and Aria get upstairs safely. Once in my room, we all search for our PJs and put them on. Emily stays farther away from us than usual while doing so. She was always shy about her body, but there's something in the way she's distant tonight that makes me think she isn't just trying to be physically distant but emotionally distant too. Closed off. As Hanna and Aria leave the room to go to sleep in the guest bedroom like they do at every sleepover, I see Emily put her sweater back on, and an uneasy feeling takes over my body. Something really is wrong with her. It's too hot in my room for her to want to sleep with her hoodie on.

I close the door and the light, and we lie in bed. Emily stays far away from me. Unusual. She turns on her side, so her back is facing me. After a couple of minutes, I hear her crying. I get closer to her and put my hand on her hip, so she knows I am here for her.

"Emily, sweetheart, what's going on?"

"I don't want to talk. Please, just hold me, Spence."

"Em, turn around."

Emily turns to face me reluctantly. I take her hand and pull her closer to me. She is still crying. She puts her head on my shoulder. I put my other arm around her waist in a protective way, careful not to move her left arm. She might not want to talk about it, but it's getting pretty obvious to me that either someone hurt her or she did so herself. I whisper sweet words in her ear until she falls asleep.