A/N- Right guys, so I'm going to turn this into a series of Oneshots. I'll take any requests if y'all want. Thanks to the reviews of the last chapter. Hope you enjoy. Title taken from the episode where Dean and Sam take the dream root and Dean talks to his doppelganger before going to hell.

This is set after Season 5 but Sam was never resurrected, he's still dead.

Summary: Dean can't deal with live without Sam. He has no one and all the hate he sees in the mirror starts to take its toll.

~Lovelife xx

I'm my own worst nightmare

Pain.

Pain was consuming Dean, excruciating pain that clouded his vision and caused the room to spin. He gripped the rough surface of the brick wall, gritting his teeth to hold back the screams of agony. Fuck, it hurt. His blunt nails scraped at the brick as he fought to keep consciousness. The hard concrete floor met his knees with a loud, painful whack as he lost balance and crashed.

He crashed hard. Everything, anything that had happened in the last year came flooding to the front of his mind. All the heartache, the death, life. The depression. How could he not be depressed. He's just lost Sammy, his little brother, his son, his family, his everything. He watch as his only family, the one thing that he had fought so hard to protect, his Sammy, had jumped into the the dark, fiery pits to save the world. To save him. Dean couldn't stop the flood of tears that broke from his eyes. How could he stop them? He couldn't save his own brother so how the fuck would he be able to stop his pathetic tears. He was stronger than this yet without Sammy, how could he be strong?

Dean gripped the sides of his stomach as he slid down the wall to sit on the floor. Blood poured from his wound as the tears flooded from his eyes. He deserved this. He deserved to die in this dirty, rotting alleyway. He deserved to be left here, he didn't deserve to be saved. Not like he had anyone who would.

Why? Why Sammy, what was his life without Sammy? Sure he had Lisa, she deserved better than him. How could he corrupt their lives? Like his had been, he would always be a hunter, thats why he was here hunting a black dog when he could be curled up in bed with his hot girlfriend.

"Help!"

He didn't deserve it, yet he called because even though this pain would never be penance enough for what he had done. He was never the man his father was, he couldn't deal with the pain, he couldn't in Hell and he couldn't now. He was nothing. He hates what he sees when he looks in a mirror, he cares little for himself, his life was meaningless.

He gave up.

His head flopped back onto the wall and he clenched his eyes shut. He waited for death. Maybe Tessa would be the one to reap him. Maybe Dean was always supposed to die dirty and broken. Maybe this was Dean's destiny.

To die as nothing,

as a failure.

Darkness crept at the corners of his mind and the life was draining away from his body, like a vampire sucking its victim dry. He was going to die, not peaceful, not loving but he didn't care, as long as he died.

"Why do you want to die Dean?"

Deans eyes shot open at the unexpected sound of a certain gruff, alluring voice. Green met Blue as the hunter stared wordlessly at the Angel. Castiel, the Angel of Thursday. Dean gave a little chuckle, ironic that he was dying on a Thursday.

"I don't deserve to live" Dean deadpanned.

Castiel gave him that cute little head turn and that look he gets when he is trying to understand human emotion.

Confusion laced his voice. "Why do you not want to be saved Dean?"

Dean looked away from the angelic eyes that were before him, he couldn't look at them, not when they were filled with such kindness and compassion. Sympathy and adoration. He didn't deserve any of it.

"Everyone wants to be saved Cas, its whether they deserve to be saved. That's the real question that matters."

"Why do you think you don't deserve to be saved?"

Dammit Cas.

"I am nothing"

Dean looks back to those blue eyes, how he has missed them. That one sentence summed up everything he felt. He was nothing, nothing for Sammy, nothing for Lisa, for Mary or John.

Nothing for Cas.

Cas placed two fingers to his head. He felt the skin of his side stretch and slowly knit back together again. The tissues and muscles repairing themselves, from the touch of this Angel. More tears gathered at the corner of his eyes, as he stared intently at Cas, drinking every feature of this son of God.

His voice broke, "Why?"

All his self loathing and doubt poured out into that one word. Castiel never looked away, always training his eyes and his own Green ones. Confidence deep within his throat.

"You deserve to be saved Dean. That's why"

Dean had never heard Cas sound so sure, not when Cas was a servant of God or when he was adamant God was alive and willing to help. Not when he convinced Dean the demons had the Colt or that his necklace was a rare amulet. Cas had never sounded so sure as he did right then, as he was talking about Dean.

Two complete views on the same man, To himself Dean was nothing, to Cas, Dean was everything.

Dean jolted in surprise as Cas took his face gently in soft hands, still staring at him like he was something precious.

"Let me heal you Dean"

Dean stared dumbfounded at him.

"Errm you just did Cas"

"All of you Dean. That me heal all of you."

With that Cas pulled Deans face and rested their lips together. Cas's lips were soft and slightly dry Deans, he moved their lips together, coaxing Cas to move his. Their lips moved in a easy dance and their breaths mingled. When Dean pulled away to catch his breath, Cas leant his forehead against Deans.

"Okay"

That was the last thing whispered into the night. Dean would let Cas try and heal him, if anyone could it would be Cas. With Cas the ache for family would would take time, but with Cas maybe Dean could dream again, without seeing his face as his enemy. Maybe with Cas, Dean could be happy again.

Maybe with Cas, Dean could stop being his own worst nightmare.