A/N: Hey guys, sorry it has been so long since I posted anything. The last episode inspired me, I admit it's not some of my best work but I felt really raw and connected when I wrote this. Thank you for everyone who is still with me. I hope you like it.

~Lovelife xoxo

Summary: After a talk with Castiel, Sam contemplates everything that has happened in the past several years and wonders if a certain angel has been watching him all this time.

Pairing: Sabriel. Sam/Cas friendship.

Some strong language, not much.

Soundtrack: Evanescence- My immortal. I highly suggest listening to this song while reading, I really felt like it related to Sam as I was writing the story.

My Immortal

'He wasn't real Sam, he wasn't real. It took me a while to realise he wasn't but I wanted to hope. I wanted to hope he was real. Despite my failures Sam, he's my brother and he's like me, Sam. He chose humans over Lucifer just like I chose you and Dean and I wanted to believe that he was there, I wanted to believe that my brother was back to help me, to lead us' Castiel looked to the ground as he finished his speech, he hadn't planned to tell Sam all that. He felt weak. He glanced back to the younger Winchester.

Sam stared into Castiel's eyes. Pain and longing painted clearly on his face, Castiel looked broken and hopeless yet Sam had never seen him look more human. Not when he was actually human, not the countless time he lay beaten and bloodied, he had never looked more human than he did now, grieving over his brother once again.

Cas lost him again and Sam wanted to comfort Cas he really did but he couldn't, he couldn't force his own pain and longing back enough to comfort the angel. He longed for Castiels brother, he needed him. It had been years since he witnessed Castiel's brother murdered. He still had nightmares of the archangel lay upon the floor of the motel, majestic prints of black wings scorched into the smooth flooring of the fucking motel. They had gone back, Sam had begged and pleaded with Dean to go back, just to be sure that his archangel had gotten away, to be sure Lucifer had been tricked somehow and his angel had be able to get away. That was not what he had come across, instead he had found him, his archangel, dead.

He wanted it to be real too. He wanted to hope.

'But Cas, he never answered you. Y-you said he never answered you if he was alive. You know what he is like Cas, he's the trickster, Loki, what he said could have been true!' Sam's voice cracked, emotion thick in his throat.

It wasn't much, it may have been idiotic but he had to believe in the trickster. He had to hold onto this last slither of hope that the archangel had survived the slaughter of the devil. It was that thought that was keeping him going, that one thought that his angel had survived which held him together during the hard times him and Dean were going through.

That one thought that Loki was out there somewhere, alive. It kept him strong. It kept him balanced over these rocky paths he was racing on.

That one thought also tore him apart. It clawed at his every hopeful thought, scaring his hope with rationality because when it came down to it, that's what Sam is the best at. Being rational was who Sam was and the cold hard fact is that if the trickster really was alive, if he had been alive for all these years. He hadn't contacted Sam, he gave no thought to him, and the bastard had let Sam grieve. If the fucking bastard was alive he would have watched as Sam felt part of his heart and soul be ripped from him. So Sam questioned, he desperately wanted his angel to be alive but if he was, Sam didn't know how to deal with the betrayal. The deep, gut wrenching feeling of sorrow because if Loki was watching, he would have seen it all, seen all that Sam had been through and not intervened, not reassured him that he was alive. Despite Sam feeling empty without him , feeling hollow. Despite wanting him back so fucking much that he curled into a ball most nights in his room at the bunker, he couldn't help but question.

If his trickster was alive, had he been watching Sam?

Had he watched as Sam dropped into that sticking pit and endured hell. Locked in that cage with Lucifer, being tormented and tortured for years?

Had he watched Castiel pull him half fixed from Hell ? Had he watched as Death grasped him from the cage and thrust him back into his body? Was he watching when the wall cracked and he felt his mind was burning and breaking. Where was he when Sam felt his own memories clawing and scratching to the surface of his brain begging for his attention? Did he hear when Sam screamed? The nights where Sam could feel Lucifer in each molecule of his body, the days when he would shoot at hallucinations that weren't there. For all he knew it could have been Loki playing a trick on him. But if he saw the excruciating pain Sam was going through, why didn't he help?

Did he watch as Castiel was consumed by leviathans that nearly destroyed him? Did he see as Sam lost Dean once again to purgatory? Did he watch when Sam was once again left alone with no one to survive with? Did he see, did he watch as Sam tried to move on with someone else but despite how wonderful Amelia was, his heart would always belong to his trickster?

Did he see the trials?

When Sam was being slowly broken down piece by piece because of the trials, was he watching? As the trials crept up on him and destroyed him with eerie patience, was he watching? If his angel was in Heaven didn't he care that Sam was going to lock him in. Did he not care that he would never see Sam again?

Did he see Sam crumble?

Would he have shed a tear when Sam was dying or when another angel was in Sam, saving him.

He claimed to love Sam.

So why did he not come back to him.

If he was alive, why did he not come back.

Could he not see that Sam cannot survive without him, he was a part of Sam's soul.

He was dead and he still haunted Sam's every thought. And now, now he needed to know. He needed to know if his archangel was alive. The final answer, if he was truly dead he could try to move on again, he would try to heal. He needed to know if his trickster was alive.

But there was no way of knowing.

Sam jerked his head back, he must have zoned out. The space that Cas had perched was now empty. Cold and unwelcoming. Just like Sam, he dropped his head into his hands. Fingers gripping into his hair, nails scratching into his head. He wanted them gone, all the memories, all the pain he couldn't cope with it any more. The thick aroma of dark un-purified chocolate surrounded him. He was even fucking smelling him, his sanity was thinning. He felt the trickster curling his way through Sam's brain destroying every last drop of normalcy and sanity left. A silent tear slipped from his eye and dropped onto the smooth, empty snickers wrapper that lay at his feet.

Slowly his picked up the wrapper and gingerly stroked his thumb over the teardrop. His head snapped up and his breath caught in his throat. Silence descended upon the room.

He breathed out,

'Gabriel?'