A/N: Umm if I forgot to mention anywhere else and if you haven't figured it out yet, my stories are going to have a lot of hurt!Shepard and angst surrounding him. Why? Because it seems like people expect a lot from him in the games and half the time he never gets a chance to relax and people seem to seldom worry about him (him as a person, anyway) and so that's where Kaidan comes in :) So yeah there's probably going to be a lot of that.

I don't know about this chapter... I wrote it when I was half out of it on my meds (again) and so it might be kind of ramble-y. I hope it sounds okay! And next chapter will finally have some action :)

Onward!

Chapter Seven

Kaidan told the group that today was not a good day for investigating. They could continue their search and if they found anything, message Shepard about it but Shepard didn't need to be running around out there with them. Nope. Kaidan was going to force him to relax.

Honestly, it shouldn't have been so damn hard. Relaxing was supposed to be easy, right? Except nothing was ever easy where it concerned Shepard, as Kaidan was learning.

"Kaidan," Shepard huffed indignantly, "I'm fine!"

"You're not fine," Kaidan snapped back, glaring at the commander who sat on the couch, Kaidan pacing back and forth in front of him. "Shall I count the ways? You're burning yourself out!"

"I'm fine."

"If you say that word one more time…"

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Kaidan. These people are after me."

"All the more reason you should stay here."

"It's not fair to have them do my work for me!"

"They're a part of this as much as you are," Kaidan reminded him.

"How? This person's after me specifically. Not them. They shouldn't be involved in this." Shepard took in a breath, expression semi-contorted as he looked at him. "You shouldn't be involved…"

"I'm involved because I care about you," Kaidan explained slowly. "Just like the others. You're not alone in this, Shepard."

Shepard sank back into the cushions, appearing as though he wished they could swallow him whole. Kaidan sighed and joined him on the couch, sitting next to him, arms lightly brushing against each other. He chewed on his lower lip, wondering how to explain it to the man sitting quietly next to him, how to get him to rest.

"I know you think you're made of stone," he said quietly, surprised himself at his voice, "but you're not. And that's not a bad thing, Ryan."

"I'm fine."

Kaidan shot him a sharp glance and Shepard had the good sense to at least look a little abashed. "You're not fine, dammit. What part of 'system shut down' do you not understand?"

"Kaidan. She said it could happen. Could! Just like the Reapers could win. That doesn't mean it's going to happen."

"Are you really willing to risk it?"

Shepard snapped his mouth shut then, contemplating. Kaidan washed the thoughts flicker across the commander's face, waited patiently before Shepard took in a breath and released it slowly, shaking his head. "What else am I supposed to do, Kaidan?"

"Relax."

"It's not that simple."

"Why not? Sounds simple enough to me."

Shepard shook his head. "I'm the commander – I can't just…"

"What? Relax? Take some time to heal?" Kaidan scrubbed a hand across his face. "No one expects you to be a superhero, Ryan. Just… relax. For one day."

"There's no time-"

"Ryan," Kaidan all but snapped, causing Shepard to look at him, "one day. That's all I'm asking. One day of doing nothing but goddamn relaxing. It's shore leave, Shepard. Just… let it go."

For once, just do this.

He watched the hesitation flicker across Shepard's face and reached out, lightly grasping the commander's hand which had previously been resting between them on the couch. Shepard looked down at their now entwined fingers, sighing heavily before he dragged his gaze up to Kaidan's face, slowly searching, but for what, Kaidan had no idea.

He must have found it, though, because Kaidan watched the fight disappear.

Normally that would have bothered him – the drooping shoulders and everything – but right now, he couldn't help but feel relieved because it meant he won the argument.

"One day, huh?" Shepard asked quietly.

Kaidan nodded. "One day. Then you can…" He swallowed. "Then we can jump back into things. Just… give me this."

"You?"

"Do this for me, please. For my own sanity."

"A sanity check?" Shepard asked, semi-smirking, and Kaidan shrugged and nodded.

"In a way," he said.

"Alright," Shepard sighed, leaning into him. Kaidan easily slipped an arm around those strong shoulders, feeling the muscles beneath him. "I can do that. For you."

Kaidan lightly pressed his lips against Shepard's ear as the commander leaned into him a little more, resting his head on his shoulder. "Thank you."

Shepard chuckled, the sound a low, warm rumble which vibrated through Kaidan. "Keep that up," the commander said quietly, "and everyone's gonna know we're together."

"I'm okay with that," Kaidan said honestly.

"Good," Shepard breathed, "I'd be upset if you were getting second thoughts."

"Never."

"Even if I'm a stubborn, reckless asshole?"

The words were partially teasing and partially serious, Kaidan realized. He tightened his hold on the brunette, urging the two of them closer as they pretty much cuddled together on the couch.

"Even then," he said quietly.

They sat that way for a while, watching the screen across the room, hanging on the wall. It was some random vid Kaidan knew but couldn't name, and it didn't matter as much as the closeness between them at the moment. Once upon a time Kaidan thought Shepard infallible – larger than life, a God among men in all that he accomplished in so little time, with so little resources and little to no backup. Now, though…

Now he knew otherwise. Shepard was human just like him. He had hopes and dreams and doubts and worries just like everyone else. Except where Kaidan could express his concerns, Shepard often could not. It wouldn't do the crew any good to see their commander worrying, after all. And now he was leading the war efforts against the Reapers – he couldn't show any weakness now more than ever.

So it was nice that Shepard was showing him this side of him right now. Once upon a time it might have upset Kaidan to see him like this, and while he didn't like seeing Shepard so down, it also made him feel useful. He could be there for Shepard like Shepard was there for him, was there for so many others. Maybe he could be what larger than life Commander Shepard needed.

What Ryan needed.

"Kaidan."

The voice was quiet, soft, unsure. Kaidan blinked and looked at Shepard to find blue eyes watching him hesitantly.

"What is it?" he asked.

Shepard took in a breath and released it slowly. "I just… I'm sorry, if I've… been stubborn. If I've… complicated things."

Kaidan frowned. "What brought this on?"

Shepard averted his gaze, lightly shifting away from him. A part of Kaidan wanted to argue, pull that warm body back against his own but in the end, he let it happen simply because he didn't want to force Shepard to do anything. Other than take a day off, of course.

"I just… I don't know how to do this."

"Do what?"

"This," Shepard said, like it was simple and obvious.

"I don't understand," Kaidan said, frowning. "What do you mean? What don't you know how to do?"

"This," Shepard said again, gesturing between them. "I just… I don't… Relationships aren't my strong suit."

"And you think they're mine?"

"Well, no, I… I don't know. I just… I thought what I had with Tali was meaningful and important," he said quietly, and Kaidan tried not to flinch at the mention of their relationship. "But that fell apart, mostly because of me. I just… I couldn't do it. And… And now I'm with you, and…"

"And what?" Kaidan asked, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth because he honestly didn't know where Shepard was going with this.

"And I feel like it's going to happen again," he admitted quietly. "I just… I can't do this."

"Can't?"

"I don't want to make you…"

"Make me what?"

You're not making much sense here, Ryan. Help me out.

"I'm messed up," Shepard said, looking at the ground. "And I know that. I don't know if it's because of what Cerberus did or what, but… I just… You deserve better."

Kaidan blinked, uncertainty knotting in his stomach. "I deserve better?" he echoed, frowning.

"Yes. Better."

"Better than you?" Kaidan asked, mostly to clarify.

Shepard's nod was slow but his voice was steady. "Yes."

Kaidan watched him for a long moment, studying the profile he was given, before he shook his head. "That's bullshit, Commander."

"Excuse me?" Shepard asked, finally dragging his gaze away from the floor to look at him.

"I don't deserve better than you."

"Kaidan-"

"You're the best. And I love you. And I'm not going anywhere, so if you're trying to get me to leave, you're going to need to do better than that."

And then he leaned closer to the brunette while Shepard seemed to be struggling to find the right words, and captured those hesitant lips with his own because this was something he couldn't have been more certain about. Shepard might have seen himself in a different light but Kaidan saw all the good in him, but also all the bad, and it didn't bother him.

Instead it just made him want to be closer to the man, not farther away.

Everyone had doubts in relationships, and maybe neither of their relationships had ended very well in the past, but that was behind them because now they had each other, and that was really all that mattered in the end.

Shepard's hands were under his shirt. Kaidan wasn't sure when that happened but he wasn't complaining, his own hands encircling the commander's waist. Shepard pulled back from him slightly, watching him for a long moment. Kaidan allowed the scrutiny.

"Last chance to back out, Kaidan," Shepard said quietly.

Kaidan smiled. "Not going anywhere, Ryan."

Shepard grinned in a way that seemed far more sincere than anything else, and suddenly Kaidan found himself pinned beneath the man, and he had no desire to break free.

"Got any eights?"

"Go fish," Kaidan replied as the two sat in the game room sometime later, playing cards.

Shepard grumbled to himself and snagged a card from the deck which rested between them in the center of the table. "I still can't believe you had Hackett enforce shore leave on me."

Kaidan blinked at the sudden topic. "You didn't give me much choice, you know."

And you didn't see your face…

That damn face. He never wanted to see it again.

"Still. That's pretty sneaky, Major. Your turn, by the way."

"Sevens. And you forced my hand, Commander."

"Go fish. I did no such thing. I was in med bay when you had this secret discussion. I wasn't even conscious, if I recall."

That was true. Kaidan shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Still your fault for being so damn reckless."

"Twos. And that's kind of in the job description, you know."

"Go fish. Alright, fine, then it's in my job description to keep an eye on you and get someone to enforce shore leave when you need it." He smiled. "Just so we're clear, Commander."

Shepard rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "I underestimated you, Major. Didn't know you had it in you."

"There's a lot I have in me," Kaidan said, smirking. "If you're interested in finding out."

"Oh, I'm interested. And I'm not reckless, you know."

"You're not? Could have fooled me."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "I've never actually gone into a situation thinking I won't get out. Well… except for the suicide mission but that's a given. I mean, it was the mission's title."

Kaidan hummed thoughtfully. "So that makes you not reckless?"

"Well… not as much as you think I am."

"Uh huh. Not very convincing, you know."

Shepard shook his head. "I'm not reckless. Just… determined."

Recklessly determined, maybe.

"I see. So when you charged that atlas after you were shot…"

They both kind of froze then. Kaidan didn't mean to bring it up, didn't want to do so because that was a memory he wished he could forget but it was seared permanently into his brain, a perpetually visual nightmare he could never erase. That look…

"That was different," Shepard said quietly. "It wasn't reckless."

"Wasn't reckless?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

"No. To be reckless means I don't think of the danger. I thought of the danger. It was an informed decision."

Shepard made it sound so simple. "Informed decision?"

"You and Garrus would have been killed had I not charged at the atlas," Shepard said slowly. "It was only logical. Not reckless. Just… determined. I was determined that you two would live."

"You almost died," Kaidan growled like Shepard didn't understand, because it didn't seem like he did.

He was entirely too damn calm about this.

"One life for the good of two," Shepard said quietly, not looking at him but instead staring at the deck of cards between them, the game forgotten. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Dammit, Ryan, you didn't see… that goddamn face you made…"

"I'm sorry. I only reacted. If it saved you, then…"

"Never do that again," Kaidan said, voice just as quiet as Shepard's, merely a hesitant breath of air because this was something he did not want to think about. "Do you hear me? Never again."

"It wasn't reckless, Kaidan. It was practical."

"No, it was crazy!" Kaidan snapped. "And would you look at me?"

Shepard slowly dragged his gaze away from the deck of cards, up to Kaidan's face where blue eyes met brown.

"You say you did it for me? So I could live?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard nodded quickly, watching him.

"You honestly think I would want to live with myself after that?"

"Kaidan-"

"It wasn't practical, Shepard. How would you feel if I did the same thing for you?"

Shepard didn't quite pale but his eyes did darken enough that it almost appeared as though he had. "Don't even joke about that."

Well, at least he's starting to understand.

"Then don't ever do that to me again, for me. I wouldn't want that."

"But you would have died," Shepard said simply. "That atlas had a clear shot."

"I don't care. I don't… I don't need you dying for me."

Again, his mind said helpfully.

Shut up.

"Kaidan. I'm the commander – it's my job to ensure the safety of my crew, and that includes you."

"Don't give me that," Kaidan growled, glaring at him. "That's just an excuse."

And suddenly it hit him, almost like a physical punch to the chest, and he couldn't goddamn breathe…

"Kaidan?" The touch of anger which had been present in Shepard's voice was gone now, replaced with concern. "Kaidan, hey?"

"You looked relieved," Kaidan said quietly, looking down at the deck of cards now.

"Kaidan?"

"When you charged the atlas. You looked goddamn relieved."

Shepard went quiet and Kaidan looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

"Why were you relieved?"

"I…"

"Do you want to die?"

Shepard snapped his mouth shut and that was answer enough for Kaidan.

Feeling like he'd just been kicked in the chest, the sentinel pushed to his feet and left the room.

Shepard found him sometime later, upstairs on the balcony, half leaning against the railing. The commander stayed a fair distance away and anger chewed at the fringes of Kaidan's mind.

"Kaidan," Shepard said quietly, "are you okay?"

Am I okay?

What a ridiculous question!

"I'm not the suicidal one," Kaidan said, and if it came out bitter like bad coffee, he didn't care. Not at the moment.

"I'm not suicidal."

"Yeah, right. Just like you're not reckless either."

"I'm not," Shepard said simply. "I'm just willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. You can understand that, I'm sure."

Kaidan closed his eyes and took in a long, slow breath. "How'd we get here, Shepard?"

"I don't know. I… don't like it."

Kaidan laughed but it was anything but happy. "I don't either."

Silence surrounded the two for a long moment. Finally Shepard moved to stand at his side, and Kaidan glanced over at him, eyes searching.

"Do you want to die?" he asked.

"Kaidan."

"It's a simple yes or no question, Ryan."

Shepard was quiet for a moment, before he nodded. "Alright. No, I don't want to die."

"I hear a 'but' in there somewhere…"

"But," Shepard said, "I don't think I would fight it, either."

Kaidan swallowed, mouth dry. "You would just give in."

Give up. Let go. You'd just… let it happen.

And that was not something he wanted to hear, dammit…

Not from his friend. Not from Shepard. Not from Ryan.

"It's not that simple," Shepard said quietly. "I just… I'm tired, Kaidan."

Kaidan swallowed, thinking back to a similar conversation a few weeks ago, in Shepard's cabin. "But you'll fight."

"I'll fight," Shepard agreed. "I'll fight until I'm dead."

"No. You won't."

"Kaidan?"

Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly, struggling to find the words. "You fight as hard as you want, as much as you want… but you better come back to me in the end."

Shepard blinked at him, shocked.

"Do you understand?"

The commander nodded slowly. "Alright, K," he breathed, "I'll do everything I can to make it home at the end of the day."

Sleep didn't come easily, despite the day's events. First he woke to Shepard practically tormenting him, then they tried to have some down time and relax but all that seemed to do was bring up things Kaidan would have rather left in the dark recesses of his mind.

But at the end of the day, they oddly enough seemed closer because of it. Normally Shepard would fall asleep and at some point in the night would become an octopus and practically wrap himself around Kaidan. He always started out on his side of the bed, though. This time…

Now he was easily curling into Kaidan's side, head resting on the sentinel's chest, and Kaidan brought an arm around the vanguard, half in shock and half relieved. He didn't ruin everything and Shepard was still there. That was always a good sign in his book.

Shepard drifted off fairly quickly even though Kaidan knew it was because he was exhausted, his system's fried as Dr. Chakwas told them. He wished he could get Shepard to relax another day but it was hard enough to get the man to relent to today, and that was only under the promise that it was only for one day. Tomorrow it would be back to work.

Let's just wrap this up quickly.

And then they could all rest and continue with their shore leave.

A/N: And there's that chapter :) It's kind of slow and ramble-y and not too much happens but hope it sounds okay :) Returning to the action next chapter. Thanks for reading and please review!

~Muffy the Dough Slayer~