A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the slight delay. This chapter was hard and painful to write :P I feel so bad for this! But had to be done, so O.o yeah... Sorry, Kaidan.
Onward!
Chapter Nine
It was decided that they would travel in three groups, 'all hands on deck'. Liara and Garrus were working directly with Shepard while everyone else was split up. Kaidan himself was left behind at the apartment, much to his surprise, and to the surprise of the others.
"But, Shepard-" he tried to argue, looking into those cold eyes.
"You're too emotionally involved," Shepard replied before he looked back at the others.
Kaidan tried to argue some more but each time he did he kept getting cut off with yet another reason for him to stay behind. He questioned Shepard too much; he was too emotionally involved; he wasn't thinking clearly because he'd been knocked out…
Before Kaidan was really aware of what was happening, he was left behind at the apartment as Dr. Chakwas arrived finally, but there was no time to look Shepard over before he easily pushed his way out the door and disappeared from view. The others hesitated momentarily, glancing at Kaidan because they seemed to know something was wrong, too. This wasn't how Shepard normally behaved and Kaidan wasn't sure if he was just simply angry with Kaidan, angry at the whole situation, or if the hooded figure had done something to him while Kaidan himself was unconscious.
He had no way of finding out, though, because soon he found himself alone in the apartment, save for the presence of Dr. Chakwas who watched him worriedly.
"You should sit down," she said. "I heard you were attacked?"
"Someone broke in," Kaidan said, shaking his head. "But I'm fine, it's… Shepard."
"He seemed fine to me," she said, frowning at him.
And Kaidan hesitated then, because why did he think something was wrong with Shepard? Physically the man appeared fine. He seemed a little more angry but that could simply be attributed to stress. He thought he was safe at the apartment, after all, but then someone broke in. Anyone would be a little upset and cranky about that. He snapped at Kaidan and left him behind but perhaps Kaidan himself did something wrong, did something to upset him.
Maybe he'd been worrying too much. Maybe he'd been acting too 'emotional' in front of the others. He honestly had no idea.
"Sit," Dr. Chakwas said, breaking him from his thoughts as her hands landed on his shoulder, softly pushing him downward until he sighed and finally sat on the couch. Her fingers brushed through his hair. "Looks like it was a nasty blow."
He shrugged. "I guess. I don't really remember."
Everything happened so fast, after all.
Shepard's shock when he saw the attacker's face…
"I think Shepard knew the attacker," Kaidan said, it finally dawning on him. "He looked…"
Shocked, more than anything. Confused. Not betrayed, though, so it wasn't someone on the crew, thankfully.
"I am sure he will tell you about it when he feels like it," she said. "Now hold still, this might sting a bit."
Dr. Chakwas told him to get some rest while Shepard and the others were out, but it was hard because his thoughts just kept wandering back to those cold blue eyes and the way Shepard snapped at him, threw him against the wall. Something was wrong with him but Kaidan had no idea what, why he'd been left behind while the others got to go.
Even if it was because he was 'too emotionally involved', he could have easily been put on one of the other teams instead of left behind completely. He wondered again what he did that could have offended Shepard so much that he'd act like this, but again he came up empty. He remembered the pancake, remembered the showing and lying in bed afterward. Remembered the easy closeness they shared only to have it be ruined by the attacker. Remembered Shepard's face, shocked, confused… somewhat horrified?
And then nothing but darkness until he woke later and found everything spiraling out of control.
He had no idea what he did wrong or how to fix it.
Where to even begin doing so.
He wasn't sure how long he lay there, tossing and turning, trying to follow the doctor's orders, when he heard the apartment door open. He sighed, got to his feet and left the room, going downstairs to find the group in the living room. His gaze instantly sought out that familiar set of shoulders and found Shepard standing off to the side, talking with Brooks.
He quietly approached them.
"…hard to convince them," Brooks was saying before Shepard's eyes snapped toward him, seemingly cutting her off as she looked over at him too.
He couldn't help but feel as though he were intruding. It was a feeling he never expected to feel around Shepard, not after all they'd been through together, but it rose painfully in his chest and he swallowed thickly.
"Hey," he said somewhat weakly. "Can we talk?"
"I'm kind of busy," Shepard said, looking back at Brooks.
Anger stirred in Kaidan's gut and he snagged Shepard's wrist. "We need to talk."
Blue flashed briefly around Shepard's captured hand, leaving Kaidan instantly releasing it, taking a step back. "Fine, but it better be important, Major."
Major.
Why's he keep calling me that?
Once upon a time Shepard told him he didn't like it when people called him 'Commander', so why was he now doing the same thing to Kaidan? It left him feeling more than a little like he didn't belong, like he was, again, intruding. Shepard had never once made him feel that way before, surprisingly, despite everything.
He always made Kaidan feel welcome, like he belonged…
And now…
That feeling was mysteriously absent and he didn't know what to do as he led Shepard upstairs, away from the others so they could finally talk privately. He didn't miss the way Brooks reached out and rested a hand on Shepard's shoulder, her hold lingering even as the commander walked away.
They entered the bedroom they'd been using the past few nights and Kaidan turned, facing the brunette.
"I need you to tell me what's going on," he said, watching for any hint of that usual warmth in Shepard's expression but again, it was all mysteriously absent and Kaidan didn't know where he stood.
"Nothing is going on, Major."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Then what would you have me call you?"
"My name, for starters," Kaidan said, watching him. "Why are you acting so…? So different."
Something flashed in Shepard's eyes. "I'm not different."
But you are, Ry… You are.
"What's going on, Ryan?"
Blue blazed faintly around the commander and Kaidan growled.
"Stop it! You know you're not supposed to use your biotics."
"I'm not?" Shepard actually seemed confused about this, which left Kaidan staring at him.
"You know you're not," he replied. "What's…? What's going on?"
"Nothing. We're just trying to figure out who is trying to kill me."
"Ryan…" Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly, taking a small step toward the commander, feeling grateful when Shepard didn't step away. "Why are you being so distant?"
"How am I distant?"
"You won't talk to me, for starters," Kaidan muttered, shaking his head. "And you left me behind, and-"
"I see where this is going," Shepard said, holding up a hand which clearly meant 'stop talking'. Kaidan did so, snapping his mouth shut.
"You do?"
"Yes. I don't know what you thought was between us," Shepard said, causing Kaidan's breath to catch in his throat, "but you were mistaken, Major."
"Shepard, what are you…?"
What are you saying?
Doubt plagued his mind.
"There's nothing between us," Shepard said, gesturing back and forth between the two, voice calm like he wasn't crushing Kaidan's heart. "It was just a game and I'm sorry you fell for it. Now, if you would, please, leave me alone, I have important work to do."
And with that Shepard turned. Kaidan watched him walk away a few steps before a growl caught in his throat and he lunged forward, snagging Shepard by the shoulder, turning him to face him because no.
"What the hell are you saying?" he growled, glaring into those emotionless blue eyes, searching for something, some sign of the man he knew, the man he loved. "Shepard, what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong with me," Shepard snapped, "and you have exactly three second before I throw you off."
Kaidan retracted his gaze only because he knew Shepard was serious, and him doing anything straining could potentially be detrimental to his health and Kaidan wouldn't be responsible for that. Not even if Shepard's words cut him to the core. Not even if Shepard…
"Are you breaking up with me?" he asked, voice a quiet breath of air, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth. He felt sick even as the words tumbled out of his mouth but that smile Shepard flashed him, it was wrong on so many levels and he couldn't…
"And the last horse crosses the finishing line," Shepard said with that smile that was anything but warm, anything but how Kaidan was used to seeing him.
"Shepard, what…? Why?"
What did I do wrong?
"I don't have time for distractions," Shepard said. "Are we done here?"
"Are we…?" Kaidan echoed, like his world wasn't suddenly falling down around him. And then Shepard was walking away again, and Kaidan didn't know what to do.
No.
He wasn't going to let this happen, dammit, not without an explanation.
He grabbed Shepard and spun him, pushing him against the wall all in one move as he stood there, pinning him, leaving him no room for escape. It reminded him of before, when they'd been about to shower together, and how happy he'd been then – how happy they'd both been because no one could feign that reaction, could fake those kisses and looks and…
All of those looks were strangely absent now as Shepard looked at him, eyes cold and unforgiving. Shepard had never once looked at him like that before and the sight of it took his breath away, left him opening and closing his mouth as he struggled to find the words, find out how to fix this…
"Ryan, I…"
"Let go, Major."
Please stop calling me that.
It was too formal, too distant and too cold and all the things Kaidan never wanted to hear from Shepard.
"Please," he said quietly, silently searching Shepard's eyes for a hint of how they were only yesterday, but again, everything was mysteriously absent.
No. C'mon. Shepard, please.
He didn't know what else to do, and irritation was crawling over Shepard's features, so he leaned his head forward and forced their mouths together in a heated, desperate kiss, tongue gliding feverishly along the curve of lips that were not his own, hands gently sliding down those strong shoulders, down his arms and his sides and-
Blue blazed around them and suddenly he was flying backward, the punch heavy and painful on his jaw as he hit the headboard and slid to the ground, watching as Shepard walked away from the wall and glared at him.
Actually glared, like Kaidan was the enemy.
"Never do that again," Shepard said, voice cold and low, leaving Kaidan flinching, "or I'll have you court martialed. Do you understand, Major?"
His vision blurred and he blamed it on the punch to his jaw, the pain lingering yet oddly welcome because at least it was a little distracting from that other pain, the kind he couldn't fight or fix. "Understood, Commander."
The words were sandpaper over open wounds but he forced them out anyway, and watched from where he sat on the ground, back leaning against the bed, as Shepard tossed him one last glare and walked away, finally disappearing out of the room.
And then, like a kid, he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and buried his face in the darkness offered to him by his own pain.
What did I do wrong…?
A/N: Like I said, this chapter was hard to write, for obvious reasons. I've debated about finally switching between POVs and showing Shepard's POV (the real Shepard, anyway) but unfortunately it's a little late to be changing such things up now, so... yeah, stuck with Kaidan's POV. Hope that's okay. Well... okay next chapter might feature a different POV simply because this chapter was hard enough to write and I kinda sorta broke him, sooo... we'll see, I guess. Thanks for reading and please review!
~Muffy the Dough Slayer~