A/N: Ummm heyyy guys, I'm kind of nervous about this chapter :P So yeahhh... let me know what you think!
Onward!
Chapter Sixteen
One, two, breathe.
Kaidan wasn't sure how much time had passed since Shepard stopped breathing. Minutes, hours, years – he didn't know, but he kept breathing for him anyway. He'd barked at the others to get Dr. Chakwas, wherever she was in this mess. Tali ran off to do exactly that and Garrus took the clone away before Kaidan did something he would regret, even though all his focus right now was on Shepard.
One, two, breathe.
Between the breaths he counted and did compressions. Forever repeating this process.
One, two, breathe.
C'mon, don't do this to me, Shepard.
One, two, breathe.
Over and over, and yet still nothing was happening. Shepard had yet to start breathing again and he still didn't have a pulse. He was still dead for all intents and purposes. Dead and gone, no heartbeat and still he wasn't breathing. His skin was cold, his lips blue and the blood on his face was dry.
"Please," Kaidan found himself saying between breaths. "Don't do this, Shepard."
One, two, breathe.
Compressions.
One, two, breathe.
"You goddamn idiot – told you not to… Don't do this, dammit."
One, two, breathe.
"Told you not to goddamn do it, Shepard."
One, two, breathe.
"Wouldn't goddamn listen…"
One, two, breathe.
"Don't you do this to me, dammit, Ryan – don't you dare!"
One, two, breathe.
Exhaustion weighed through him but he couldn't stop. If he did Shepard would really die and he couldn't let that happen. He had to keep going, keep breathing for him until help arrived, until Dr. Chakwas could fix this…
One, two, breathe.
She had to be able to fix this. Get him breathing again, bring him back…
One, two, breathe.
"Breathe, dammit-"
One, two, breathe.
"I can't… I can't do this, goddamn it, breathe-"
One, two, breathe.
How long had it been? He felt dizzy and breathless but couldn't stop. Wouldn't stop, because this was Shepard and he couldn't let this happen, not after everything they'd gone through on this goddamn vacation.
One, two, breathe.
"Please, damn it, breathe, Shepard. Ryan, please."
One, two, breathe.
"Don't do this to me, Ry."
One, two, breathe.
"Please don't. You promised…"
One, two, breathe.
Shepard said he'd always try to come back to him. He also said he was fine and he goddamn wasn't. He was it was okay, that he was just going to sleep, and-
One, two, breathe.
"Ryan, breathe!"
One, two, breathe.
Where the hell was Dr. Chakwas? If she didn't hurry… No. He'd do this as long as it took because there was no way he was going to stop. He didn't care if he was tired, if his own lungs ached for his own breaths instead of the quick ones he was doing so he could give them to Shepard. He would do this as long as it goddamn took, until Shepard breathed.
One, two, breathe.
"You're gonna let it end like this?"
One, two, breathe.
"Don't quit on me now, dammit!"
One, two, breathe.
"Ryan, you can't – come back-"
One, two, breathe.
A rib gave way beneath his compressions, causing him to slide half over the motionless and breathless commander. Shakily, he drew himself back up, looking down into that slack and pale face. His vision blurred, both from exhaustion and that rising sense of desperation, that sense of finality.
"Don't do this to me, Ryan – not like this…"
One, two, breathe.
He began the compressions anew, praying Dr. Chakwas go there soon. Where the hell was she when they needed her the most?
Please don't do this – you gave him back, why take him away now?
One, two, breathe.
Another rib gave way and this time when he collapsed, he lingered there, a sob tearing free of his throat. Those unwanted tears blurred his vision further and he squeezed his eyes closed, resting his forehead against Shepard's still chest, breathing in everything he was and everything Kaidan feared he would never be again.
"Breathe," he choked, fingers curling into the soft fabric of the commander's torn shirt. "Just breathe, dammit, don't-… Don't do this, Ry…"
It's useless, a part of his mind said. He's gone.
How long had it been? How long could someone go without breathing and without having a pulse, even with CPR?
"Come back," he whispered without knowing he was even forming the words. "Come back…"
Come back to me. You said you would, dammit, and you have so far… don't change it now.
Hands touched lightly at his shoulder and he snapped his head up to find Dr. Chakwas kneeling next to him, Tali fervently watching next to her.
"Help him," Kaidan breathed, desperation clawing at him. "Fix him."
Fix him, fix this.
Save him.
Shepard surprised himself later and woke up. His chest ached more than anything else, like he'd physically been hit by a ship or something, and it was surprisingly hard to draw in the right amount of air. No matter what he did, he could never seem to draw in enough.
It was incredibly hard to open his eyes and when he did, he found Kaidan sitting next to him in that uncomfortable plastic chair, both hands wrapped around one of Shepard's, gaze downcast and broken.
No, don't look like that.
Kaidan should never have looked like that, after all. It was just wrong.
He gave one of Kaidan's hands a squeeze and the sentinel's gaze snapped toward him. The sight of those unshed tears left Shepard's head spinning.
"Hey," he said, and it was incredibly hard to draw in the breath to do so, to push the word past his uncooperative lips.
What happened?
Kaidan's grip on his hand tightened, both hands clenching around it. "Ryan…" He said the word almost like a prayer, leaving Shepard frowning at him.
"What's… wrong?"
Why is it so hard to talk? And breathe…
"You overdid it, Ry…"
"Oh."
"You really overdid it." Kaidan swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing slowly, his gaze forever trained on Shepard.
Shepard often liked the way Kaidan looked at him – like he wasn't just a commander, but an actual person. And like he was the only thing that mattered. This expression, though… it spoke of dread, fear and pain, and Shepard didn't like it one bit.
"You… okay?"
Kaidan's laugh was sharp and rough, nails against a black board. "No, Ry, I'm not."
"What…?"
What's wrong? What happened?
He tried to sit up, get a better view of Kaidan and assess his injuries for himself, but Kaidan's hand was suddenly on his chest, pushing him back down, brown eyes wide and frantic.
"Don't," he breathed. "Don't you move."
"Kaidan…?"
"You overdid it, Ryan."
"So you… keep saying."
"Your systems are fried," Kaidan said quietly, watching him, hand hovering over his heart, over where it actually physically hurt. "Beyond fried. Your cybernetics and biotics, along with your injuries… Shepard, the strain is too much."
"Too much?" Shepard echoed.
Why does he look like the Reapers have won.
Kaidan's expression crumpled then and he leaned forward somewhat, bringing Shepard's hand up, resting his forehead against the knuckles, elbows resting on the bed. Kaidan's breaths were shaky and uneven, and Shepard squeeze that hand holding his.
"What's wrong, K?"
"I can't stop it," the sentinel replied brokenly.
"Stop it?"
"I can't stop it…"
"Kaidan – look at me."
Those glistening brown eyes sought out his own blue ones, forehead lifting from his knuckles.
"What's wrong, K?"
Kaidan swallowed thickly. "Ryan, you really overdid it…"
"You keep saying that… What's it mean?"
It doesn't sound good.
He was exhausted and everything ached, and it was surprisingly hard to draw breath into his lungs. It felt a little like his heart was skipping beats, but maybe that was just because everything hurt and he hated that look on Kaidan's face.
"You fried your systems, Ry…"
"Meaning…?"
The sound which escaped Kaidan could have been a sigh or a sob. "You're dying, Ryan."
"I'm…?"
"You're dying," Kaidan repeated just as brokenly as before, eyes bright with unshed tears, and suddenly his fatigue made sense.
"Fried my systems…" he murmured, mostly to himself as he averted his gaze.
"It took all we had to get you breathing again," Kaidan said quietly. That hand was still on his chest, over his heart, and now he understood why.
"Heart's giving out, huh?" he asked, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth as he looked down at that hand on his chest.
Makes sense. I overdid it – knew the risks before I did it.
"I told you not to use them," Kaidan was saying when he tuned back in, the sentinel's voice broken and rough. "I told you not to do it, Ry… I told you, I told you, I told you…"
"I know," Shepard said quietly, squeezing Kaidan's hand as he looked over at him. Kaidan's gaze was focused on his chest as well, fingers curling lightly into the skin since he was without a shirt at the moment.
"Told you not to do it, Ry…"
"I know," Shepard said again.
Kaidan drew in a shaky breath, dragging his gaze away from his chest to look him in the eye. "How can you be so calm about this?"
Because I can't break down, Kaidan. What am I supposed to do?
"One of use needs… to keep a clear head," he said in response, swallowing thickly.
"You're dying, Ry," Kaidan said, like he didn't know the meaning of the word. "And there's nothing I can do… I can't… I can't fix this."
"I know."
It's okay, Kaidan. I knew the consequences going in.
This was true – he knew he was walking a thin line before he used his biotics against his look alike, his clone. He knew the risks, the consequences of his actions, and yet what else was he supposed to do?
Kaidan took in a ragged breath. "Chakwas thinks she can save you, if… If we take the clone's heart and give it to you."
Shepard shook his head. "Absolutely not."
"Ryan, it could save you," Kaidan said, like he didn't understand.
"No."
"Why?" Kaidan asked, and Shepard hated that tone, that look in his eyes.
"I won't… be like Cerberus. I won't use him."
The clone's words still echoed through him. Why you and not me.
Was he somehow better than the clone? More important? If Cerberus made two of them… then was he even the real Shepard? For all he knew he himself was a clone but made to think and believe he was the real Shepard. It would make much more sense than Cerberus bringing him back to life, after all.
And he could have easily been that clone, left alive only for spare parts.
He couldn't do that to clone, no matter how many times the guy tried to kill him. No matter what he did to him in the past, he wouldn't become something he hated. He wouldn't become like Cerberus.
"Ryan, you'll die," Kaidan whispered.
"I know."
"Stop saying that!"
"Kaidan…"
Kaidan shook his head, removing his hand from his chest but still clinging to that hand he held with his own. "You'll die if you don't let her do this, Shepard. The operation will work – you're the same blood type, same everything, and-"
"No, Kaidan."
"You can't ask me to sit here and watch you die!"
"Alright – then leave," Shepard said, narrowing his eyes even as he hated saying those words, hated the look of pain and shock flash across Kaidan's features. "But I won't take his heart, Kaidan."
And then he sat back, because talking was surprisingly painful and apparently used up more energy than he remembered.
"Ryan," Kaidan said quietly, a hint of desperation in his voice, "you have to let her do this. She won't do it without your permission…"
Shepard knew that already, though. There was no other reason Kaidan would bring it up with him directly. If he had his way the clone would already be dead, his heart given to Shepard. Shepard couldn't do that to him, couldn't take someone else's life simply so he could live.
Why you and not me.
Yeah… why me…
What made him so special?
"Ryan… please."
Shepard snapped his eyes closed. Kaidan rarely ever said please to him, and never so sincerely, almost begging him. It was incredibly hard to refuse the man anything when he said things like that, but he needed to be adamant about this.
What makes me so special?
"No, Kaidan," he breathed, eyes still closed so he wouldn't have to see the hurt on the sentinel's face. He felt it nevertheless. "I'm sorry."
A/N: And there's that chapter :P Like I said, kinda nervous about it. Thanks for reading and please review!
~Muffy the Dough Slayer~