A/N: Hey, guys. We're getting into things I'm probably going to botch because I know like... nothing about it even though I have been looking it up and replaying the second game so I can possibly know more about it :P but research has never been my strong suit, so... Yeah there will probably be a lot of silly mistakes :P Sorry.

Onward!

Chapter Seventeen

A day later found Shepard at C-Sec despite the fact he was told to remain in med bay for obvious health reasons. Kaidan would have a field day if he knew Shepard was here, but he hadn't exactly told the sentinel where he was going. Kaidan was probably only just now finding out that Shepard managed to escape med bay by bribing Dr. Chakwas. The woman loved her Serrice Ice Brandy, after all.

Currently Brooks and his clone were being kept here at C-Sec, and he needed to talk to his look alike. He wasn't sure what drew him to the clone but once the thought crossed his mind it was all he could think about, was the fact that he should really talk to him.

The clone's actions all made sense now, after all. Trying to take over Shepard's life, the desperation with which he tried to do so, why he was targeting him specifically…

It made sense now.

No one liked being a carbon copy of someone else. If Shepard was, in fact, a clone of his former self, he at least had the memories and experiences and everything, while this clone did not. This clone knew only that it was created for spare parts, and that just wasn't right. Every living thing had rights, after all – including clones.

What if their roles had been reversed? What if he was the clone, and found out he was only alive to be the back up parts for someone he didn't even know? He'd probably go a little crazy, too.

Commander Bailey got him his private interrogation room. He pushed open the door and entered it now, finding his clone sitting there at the small table, hands chained to it. His gaze snapped toward Shepard's face and irritation clouded his features.

"What do you want," he muttered.

"I just came to talk," Shepard said quietly.

His whole body ached and he was freezing despite the fact he wore an N7 hoodie. No matter what he did anymore, he just couldn't seem to get warm, just like he never seemed to be able to draw in enough air. He knew why this was, and while he didn't like it, there was a part of him that was strangely at peace with this.

Not that he'd ever tell Kaidan that, of course. The sentinel would take it the wrong way.

"I don't want to talk to you," his clone said.

Shepard sighed heavily, scrubbing a hand across his face. "I just want to talk. I just want to… tell you that if I had known you existed… I would have gotten you out of there."

It was odd, watching his eyes widen without looking in a mirror. "You… what?"

"No one should be forced to be someone's spare parts," Shepard said, shaking his head. "Had I known you existed…"

"Why?"

"Because I agree with you," Shepard said quietly, watching his clone. "Why me and not you."

The clone's mouth snapped shut.

"Maybe I'm the real Shepard, or maybe I'm just a clone that thinks it's the real Shepard… Either way, why me and not you? There's not really a difference between us, right?"

"Why are you saying this?"

"Because I don't agree with the way you've been treated."

"Is that why you spared me?"

Shepard frowned, shrugging. "I don't really know. I just couldn't kill you in cold blood, or let anyone else do it either. Especially when our roles could have easily been reversed." He took in a breath, the effort at having this ongoing conversation rather taxing.

"I would have killed you," his clone said.

Shepard shrugged. "You can't clone everything. Anyway, I just… wanted to let you know that I don't agree with you being used for spare parts, and in a way… I can kind of see where you're coming from."

"Why tell me any of this?"

"I just felt like you should know," he said quietly. "That's all."

Silence wrapped around them for a moment as those words sunk in.

"I don't want to be like everyone else," Shepard said. "I won't let them use you for spare parts."

Not even on me.

Everyone deserved that chance, after all – no one deserved being used simply as a back up incase the original didn't work properly, or needed something fixed.

Like a heart, for instance.

Currently his heart was racing even though he was sitting perfectly still. He tried to take deep, even breaths but it was incredibly hard to do so at the moment. He pushed to his feet and began moving toward the door.

"What's wrong with you?" the clone shocked him by asking.

He stopped and turned back to face him. "It, um… looks like you might have won our little fight."

"Won?"

"My body was already tired," Shepard explained. "Thanks to our fight, I… My heart's going."

The clone's expression darkened. "And you expect me to give you mine?"

"No," Shepard said, scowling at him. "In fact I told the others not to use you like that. I told you – I'm not going to be like the others. You're a human being, clone or not, and no one should be used for spare parts."

"Then won't you die?"

"I'm…" He took in a breath. "I'm okay with that."

The funny thing was, he wasn't entirely sure he was lying.

"Where the hell have you been?" Kaidan growled as soon as he saw Shepard enter the shuttle bay on the Normandy after having been gone for at least two hours.

"Had a talk with my clone," Shepard replied simply.

"You what?"

"Talked to my clone," Shepard repeated, hands tucked deep into his hoodie's pockets.

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't know… I just felt like I should."

Kaidan swallowed, watching as he practically swayed on his feet. He reached out and grabbed him by the arm, unsure if he was steadying Shepard or himself. "You idiot," he breathed quietly. "You shouldn't be out of med bay. You should actually be in the hospital."

Shepard shook his head, scowling. "I don't want to die in a damn hospital, Kaidan."

Kaidan flinched at the words, felt that despair rise through him again, felt the burning in his eyes and the hitch in his breath. The truth of the matter was that Shepard was dying, his body too exhausted to keep going, his heart giving out on him due to his unstable and fried systems, and there was nothing Kaidan could do about it. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

Shepard's expression softened somewhat. "Sorry," he said quietly, shaking his head. "I just… I don't want to go to the hospital. I'm fine here."

"Fine?" Kaidan echoed.

"Right. I don't know the meaning of the word, huh?"

Kaidan wanted to smile at the attempt of humor, at least give Shepard the illusion that it was working, but he couldn't muster the strength or the will to do so right then. Instead he looked at the pallor of the commander's skin, the rings around those bloodshot eyes, and the slight blue tinge to those lips. The blue tinge never seemed to go away.

He took in a slow, shaky breath. "Let's get you back to med bay."

"Let's just… do something for a little while."

"Like what?" he asked quietly, even though what he really wanted to do was force Shepard into the med bay where Dr. Chakwas could keep a constant eye on him.

It wouldn't do any good, though. A part of him knew that, maybe even on some level accepted it, but a much larger part of him raged against the thought. Watching Shepard died was like watching himself die.

Because that was what he was doing – watching Shepard die.

They got him breathing again, but that immense relief was short lived upon entering med bay. Dr. Chakwas did her examination, patched up his wounds and gave him some medi-gel, before she looked at Kaidan with that apologetic look in her eyes, and he knew. Knew just like he did when he opened that escape pod and found only Joker inside.

They might have gotten him breathing again but that didn't mean he got to stay with them. Now Kaidan was watching him die in slow motion, unable to stop it. No one could stop it. Dr. Chakwas was insisting on making him 'comfortable' and Kaidan knew that was a bad, horrible sign.

"Let's have some shore leave," Shepard said.

The laugh which ripped out of Kaidan's mouth was anything but happy. If anything it was slightly hysterical. "Shore leave…"

What a joke that is.

This was all his goddamn fault. He told Hackett to enforce shore leave, ironically so this very thing didn't happen. Their vacation was supposed to be relaxing – it wasn't supposed to kill Shepard. It wasn't supposed to lead up to this.

And it was all Kaidan's fault…

Shepard's hand was ice against his skin, fingers rubbing faintly against his stubble. He swallowed and reached a hand up, capturing that ice cold hand, holding onto it tightly as though his grip alone could warm it, could somehow stop this from happening.

"Let's go back to the apartment," Shepard said, watching him.

Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly. "Alright," he breathed, "whatever you want."

The apartment was just like he remembered it, which felt wrong somehow. How could it be the same when everything seemed to be falling down around them? Kaidan swallowed and closed the door behind them as Shepard walked into the kitchen, instantly going for the refrigerator. He pulled out a bottle of water and took a long swallow of it.

His movements were slow and tired. It had only been three days since the attack on the Normandy and yet he was already so tired, so pale and weak and Kaidan hated it. Hated it more than he'd ever hated anything before because this was something he couldn't fix. Had no hope of fixing, of making it right.

And he was simply forced to watch instead.

Watch him fade away. Watch him slip away from him like sand in a sieve, his life slipping through the cracks in Kaidan's hands.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Shepard frowned at him. "Sorry?"

"This is… It's my fault."

"How's it your fault?"

"I told Hackett to enforce shore leave. This all happened because of me," he said quietly, unable to look at Shepard just then. He focused his gaze on the small island counter in the middle of the kitchen instead. "It's my fault, Ry…"

"It's not your fault," Shepard said.

"If you'd just let Chakwas-"

"No, Kaidan," Shepard said adamantly, and Kaidan closed his eyes against that familiar burning sensation.

"You could live, Ryan."

Why are you choosing death?

"I'm not going to condemn someone to die simply so I can live."

"But, Shepard-"

"I don't want to argue about this, Kaidan. I just… want to relax. With you."

Kaidan took in a breath and nodded slowly, opening his eyes, glancing at the commander. "What do you want to do?" he asked quietly.

"We can order something to eat," Shepard said. "And watch vids and play cards. We can… actually get back to that shore leave."

Kaidan nodded because he could refuse Shepard nothing right then, no matter how much his heart clenched at the thought that this could very well be the last time they'd ever do these things together, because Shepard just kept getting worse and he wouldn't let them use the clone's heart to save him.

Why?

Because he didn't want to condemn the clone to death. That clone tried to kill him and take over his life – he didn't deserve to live while Shepard died. If only he could convince Shepard of this…

Shepard grabbed his wrist and led him into the living room, where they sat down on the couch. The screen across the room turned on but Kaidan wasn't really paying any attention to it, focused instead on the dying figure next to him. Shepard leaned into him and Kaidan easily slid an arm around his waist, pulling him closer so the two were snuggled together.

I don't want you to die…

What he want didn't matter, though, because Shepard had made his choice. He chose death and Kaidan was still trying to come to terms with that.

"Do you want to die?" he asked before he could stop himself, memories of a similar conversation plaguing his mind.

Shepard's gaze slid toward him. "Hmm?"

"Do you want to die?" he repeated quietly.

"Kaidan…"

"Ryan, I just… I can't just sit here and watch you die."

Shepard watched him for a moment, expression calculating, before he sighed and looked away. "You can leave, if you want. But I'm hoping you'll stay, K – I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be with right now."

Kaidan swallowed thickly, tightening his hold on the brunette curled into his side. He seemed so much smaller, so much more breakable, than he had before. "I'm not going anywhere, Ry," he said quietly.

I just wish you weren't, either.

Something was beeping in the background. Shepard's eyes fluttered open, greeted by darkness. As his eyes adjusted he looked over at Kaidan, who was asleep next to him, one arm wrapped carefully around him. Shepard smiled at the sentinel before he quietly crawled out of bed, easing out of Kaidan's hold. From there he walked over to his laptop, grabbed it and took it downstairs so he wouldn't disturb the sentinel.

Once he was in the kitchen he put his laptop down on the island counter and opened it, searching for that new message which was apparently marked urgent, as the laptop was still beeping. He'd set his laptop up for those kinds of messages. Usually they were fed right into his omni-tool but currently he had that disconnected as he'd just wanted to relax a bit with Kaidan. He kept the laptop with him, though, just in case.

It was from Dr. Chakwas.

Shepard,

I believe I might have found a way to save you that doesn't involve using your counterpart's organs. Please meet with me at your earliest convenience.

Dr. Chakwas.

Shepard stared at the message. A way to save him that didn't involve using his clone's heart? He was almost afraid to hope, and wasn't sure why he felt more conflicted at the moment than anything.

"Do you want to die?"

Kaidan's words echoed through his head and he sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face as he closed his laptop. Did he want to die? No – that would be crazy. He knew they were still fighting the Reapers – he couldn't lay down yet. He wanted to be there to win this war, wanted to be there with Kaidan when it happened.

But news of his possible saving grace left him somewhat uncomfortable, as well. He just wasn't sure why.

Warm arms encircled him from behind and he leaned back into that warm, solid body.

"Hey, K," he said quietly. He opened his mouth to tell Kaidan what Dr. Chakwas said but for some reason he couldn't do it. She said she believed she might have found a way to save him – nothing was ever certain, and he didn't want to get the sentinel's hopes up.

So instead he kept quiet, feeling that quiet trail of kisses along the back of his neck.

Getting away from Kaidan long enough to speak with Dr. Chakwas alone was harder than it should have been. Not simply because the sentinel seemed to practically be glued to his side, but because it was surprisingly hard to tear himself away, let alone distract Kaidan long enough for him to do so. In the end, though, Garrus wound up helping out, pulling Kaidan aside long enough for Shepard to disappear and go to med bay. It would take at least a few minutes for the sentinel to find him.

"Alright, Doc," he breathed, "lay it on me."

"How are you feeling?" Dr. Chakwas asked instead of answering.

He scowled. "Tired. What's this miracle cure you've found? Kaidan's only going to be distracted for so long."

"You haven't told him?"

"No – not gonna get his hopes up if this fails. So? What is it?"

She waved her omni-tool over him. "Well, since the main problem is that in trying to keep your body from rejecting your cybernetics, it put a strain on your heart. That combined with all the close calls and the use of your biotics, leaves you in the state you're in now."

"Alright… so?"

"I've been studying the cybernetics in your body," she said. "Despite everything else, at the moment they actually seem fairly stable. This leads me to believe that if we could repair your heart using more cybernetics, you could, in theory, be saved. It would be like getting a new heart except it's still your old one, slightly modified."

Shepard frowned. "I hear a 'but' somewhere in there."

"Even in this day in age, matters of the heart aren't to be taken lightly, as I'm sure you know. There are still risks involved with such an operation. Your heart would need to be stopped for several minutes while we reconfigure it and enhance it."

Shepard nodded slowly. "So… you're saying this could very well kill me."

"In theory."

It's our best shot, though.

He knew this, knew that other than using the clone's heart, this was his only option for survival. It could just as easily kill him, though. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do – leave it as it was and die slowly, or risk getting killed instantly so he could get those cybernetics which could potentially save him.

Screwed if I do, screwed if I don't.

At least this way he had a chance. At least this way, if he did die, it would be quick and he wouldn't be aware of it. It was better than slowly dying like he was right now. It was better than not being able to really catch his breath, better than freezing all the time.

"Okay," he said quietly, "let's do it."

A/N: Next chapter is where it will probably become strikingly obvious I don't know what I'm talking about, but :P Meh. Thanks for reading and please review!

~Muffy the Dough Slayer~