A/N:
Oh wow you have no idea how sorry I am for the delay! It was a series of me completely forgetting!
IMPORTANT NOTE: YES, THERE IS A TIME JUMP. NO, I WON'T TELL YOU WHY – BUT IT'S ALL A PART OF THE SET UP OF THE STORY.
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Year 841
Tuesday evening, April 20th
Beyond the walls
This day has been a blur.
I'm currently on my first official expedition, sitting around a bonfire. The day started off rather simply.
"Keep your heels down, Grünberg," the drawl of Lance Corporal Levi came from behind me, shocking me out of my titan-infested thoughts as we paraded boldly through Shinganshina on our first expedition of the year.
"Yes, sir," I nodded, damning formality to hell, sitting up a littler straighter in the saddle and adjusting my legs nervously, acutely aware of his eyes boring into my back.
"Onwards, men!" the shout from Schreiber came from the head of the formation, and the legion set out on their expedition, heading out to survey the land beyond the walls, and to set down supplies for out next voyage.
I spotted a titan not ten minutes into the expedition, and it was more terrifying than I could've possibly imagined. Its gigantic form lumbered slowly in our direction, a sadistic, toothy grin on its face. The support team dispatched the beast easily, but my eyes were glued to its sizzling form as we galloped past the scene. I was assigned to the centre of the troop with the supplies – apparently the safest section within the legion, according to Hanji.
(The formation was something suggested and planned entirely by Erwin, and personally I think it's brilliant… albeit terrifying)
It was only an hour in when I began to acknowledge the sheer amount of red smoke littering the horizon as scouts notified the main unit of incoming titans. Squads were being forced to branch off to kill the monstrosities.
I'm not very proud to say I was shaken to my very core to know the man eaters were not far from the place in which I rode. It wasn't my first time out, but it was much scarier with a large group of people attracting more and more titans. Every once in a while a stray black flare was sent up, signalling a deviant case, as Hanji had told me about many times throughout training.
"Deviant cases are abnormal," the bubbly scientist said, a bounce in her step as we made our way to the stables, "they ignore the outer formation and plough through the middle to create more destruction! How fascinating!"
Though I already knew about deviant cases and the different classes, the fact still managed to shake me up. I did promise to brief my bespectacled friend on any special case I might come across in the field.
It had only been two hours before a deviant came stomping chaotically in the direction of the supply carts. It was clumsy, but it was fast. It took more willpower than I'd like to admit not to start screaming at its increasing proximity. It shot through the gap where the left region of scouts should have been, but was taken down before it could reach us. Soon, soldiers were streaming in for treatment.
I left my horse to ride alongside the medical cart, leaping through the swinging door of the small moving room, marvelling at how the inside seemed relatively stable even on the uneven land as I turned to face my first patient. The broken arm he sported wasn't life threatening, but if left for a long period of time unset, the bone would never truly heal. With a sigh, a stick to the man's mouth and a sharp snap, his arm was back into place, set in a splint, wrapped in bandage and hung in a tight sling within minutes. Nodding at my handiwork, I knew the man would be able to ride alongside the carts without much difficulty.
The second soldier had a set of nasty bite marks on her arm. Seeing as they weren't deep, I went to work cleaning them out, disinfecting them, rubbing a thick layer of salve and finally bandaging them, all within minutes. There, I took the time to thank whatever gods there were for my years of working in the emergency ward of the hospital as I sent the girl off, letting two other injured men into the small moving carriage.
It took me little time to patch up the small wounds or broken bones they'd attained, but it was well worth the immediate, thorough treatment, I knew that much. By the time night began to fall and the cart began to slow to a trot, I was carefully stitching a man's finger back in place from where it had been bitten half off. It was hard work, gruesome and bloody, but it had to be done before the blood loss killed him – or before the limb began to rot and fall off. A few minutes after the cart had rolled to a stop, the door at the back of the wooden carriage was thrown open. I didn't have to look to know it was Hanji standing there.
The bespectacled scientist yelped at the sight momentarily before she broke off laughing, "Hey Mike, get a load of this!"
I ignored my friend's antics, and I frowned as I firmly shot the needle through the bloody skin and pulled the thread tight, as though I were merely concentrating on an intricate crochet. When I was done, I used the bottle of water at my side to squirt the blood away. Being quick about it, I applied the salve, wrapped the limb and sent the man off on his way. I'd counted forty men and women that had sought me out for treatment.
"Come on, Adelheid!" Hanji exclaimed, reaching in the cart to drag me out of my den, "Dinner time!"
I shrugged her hand off and took a moment to stretch, groaning at the kinks in my sore back for a moment before I was dragged along to the bonfires by Hanji yet again. Max was sitting beside Dita, laughing at something or another. I sat on the log beside her, looking to Hanji.
"Why is Levi glaring at me like that?" I asked my bronze haired friend, slightly nervous as his cool eyes bored into me.
"Hn? Oh, you have a speck of blood on your cheek," the researcher informed me chirpily, "you know how he is with neatness-"
She was cut off as the man himself strode over, grabbed me by the face tightly in one hand (ok, I admit I wouldn't have been against it if he chose to lean down and – oh, never mind) and began scrubbing furiously at my cheek with a handkerchief. When he was finished with that, he pulled out his water bottle and splashed it over my boots. I squealed in shock, but made no attempt to pull away.
"There was blood on your shoes," he bit out, reaching out a hand to pat me on the head stiffly before he strode over to Erwin, leaving me with slightly damp socks and a sore cheek.
"Wh…What…?" I murmured as Hanji roared with laughter, handing me some bread, cheese and a ration bar (eugh, ration bars don't count as food!).
"You should have s-seen your face!" the woman cried, slapping her knee and successfully drawing the attention of dearest Maxine, "I wish I could freeze frame that moment!"
"Hmph!" I huffed, elbowing the eccentric in her side as the tall bane of my existence strutted over.
Mike chose that moment to sit beside me, "Good job Miss Nurse!" he smiled, nodding to the recruits, "Seems like everyone's bandaged up around here!" True to his word, many soldiers were strolling about the camp with white bandages in several places.
"It's good I'm of some use – it's not like I'm of any help on the battlefield," I laughed nervously, rubbing the back of my neck.
"We're lucky to have you," Max grinned as she came to a stop before us, plonking herself unceremoniously on the floor.
I felt my cheeks become hot and I looked away, hoping I didn't look as much a fool as I felt. Everyone had fought today, aside from me. It's not that I wanted to be a hero, but I still felt useless whenever the titans got close.
Everyone's in bed, sans the soldiers on watch, and I think it's time I retired too. Hopefully tomorrow is a calm day.
Thursday evening, April 21st
Beyond the walls
I jinxed it. Again.
Horribly.
Not an hour before midday yesterday, everything went horribly wrong.
I rode alongside a new recruit named Sarah, and was telling her how to properly stop blood flow from an amputated limb as we approached the edge of a forest and prepared to stop to rest the horses.
"I need some more Poppy," I told the girl, dismounting clumsily, "I can find some in the forest."
The girl's blue eyes widened, "The forest with those giant trees?" she nodded to the massive trunks behind us.
I nodded, "Yes. The Red Poppy has many uses, it can be used to ease pain and cools all inflammations amongst other things."
"Can I come with you?" her voice was excited, eager to learn more.
I smiled at her then, "Let's go ask one of the squad leaders for permission."
We wandered around until I spotted a familiar figure, "Erwin!" I called, waving as he turned to look for the source of my voice.
"Yes, Adelheid?" he replied, observing Sarah and I curiously.
"Do you think it's safe enough to venture a little ways into the forest? Sarah and I must retrieve some Red Poppy, I'm running a little low on my stores."
The golden haired man nodded grimly, "Yes, but tread with care. The scouts have checked the area, but be on guard, and don't be long."
I nodded, trying to hide my smile as Sarah practically bounced with excitement beside me. And so the two of us headed into the forest.
"Look around the base of the trees," I advised her, "they're a bright red, you can't miss them!"
"Aha!" she cried after only a few minutes of searching, pointing to splotches of red around the base of a few trees in the distance, "Over there!"
We strolled over leisurely, admiring the awesome height of the trees around us. Stooping low, I plucked as many Poppies as I dared, shoving them into my uniform pockets and gathering as many as I could in my arms before I stood and faced Sarah.
"Come on, Sara-" my breath caught in my throat as she crouched, not one tree over, bending down to pick out some flowers. Behind her was a ten metre class titan. I froze in place, eyes widening in fear as it stood surveying her, a gentle smile upon its face. I wanted to call out to her to stay still, but my voice failed me.
"Hold on a minute!" she called back, hurriedly stuffing her pockets, making to stand.
No! but my internal cry refused to vocalise.
She chose that moment to glance up at me. The expression on my face must've been quite the sight, for she tensed up, hands moving towards her swords. I tried to convey my thoughts with my eyes, but I was paralysed. She glanced over her shoulder just as its hand snatched down and wrapped around her middle.
"No!" she cried – but we were too deep in to be heard by anyone that could help, "Let me go!"
The Poppies fell from my trembling arms as I watched on in terror as it brought its fist closer and closer to its gaping mouth.
"S-Sarah," my voice was small, weak and faltering.
Her eyes found mine in a final plead for her life. She was shouting at the titan, but it felt as though she was shouting at me.
It lowered her into its mouth and my voice finally found me as its jaws began to snap shut.
Her scream mingled with mine, our voices echoing through the vast expanse of trees. Her cry was cut off in a horrid gurgle as the bottom half of her body was severed. Blood splattered the green grass as her lower half was swallowed, soon followed by the rest of her in one foul munch.
The titan's gaze shifted to me, and it seemed as though my body shocked itself into action. I screamed again, horrifically aware of the fact that it was blocking my exit as it advanced closer. Stifling a sob, I spun on my heel and ran, trying desperately not to stumble.
Despite being an utter coward, I wasn't stupid. I knew I couldn't outrun a titan. I had to lose it somewhere in the trees – but no matter what I did or how much I dodged, it would pop up.
"Heidi!" the cry came from somewhere in the distance, up in the trees, but I couldn't look up to search for it. I kept my eyes trained on the terrain in front of me, painfully aware of the titan closing in.
"Heidi! Don't you dare fucking die!" ah, typical old Max.
It was at that moment that I did perhaps the single most stupid thing to date. I looked up.
Yes, it was only for a few seconds, and yes, it was to check how far behind the titan was (only a few metres), but it only took that long for me trip and fall. I thought it was the end as I went flying forward, bracing myself for the large hand that would wrap itself around me at any given moment.
Instead of meeting a hand, however, I flew through a set of bushes, and crashed into a heap with twigs and leaves everywhere.
"Fuck, no!"
"Shit!"
"Run!"
A different mirage of voices sounded from somewhere not too far off, but I didn't have time to do anything but roll to the side as the titan's massive fist smashed down through the bushes where I'd been moments before. It was to my utter surprise that I went rolling into a burrow of some sort.
The little hole wasn't too deep, but it was narrow enough for the titan's hand to be kept out, despite the frivolous effort the monster made in smashing its way in.
It was the first time in my life that I was so grateful towards my tiny stature. Up above I heard the whizzing of the 3D Manoeuvre Gear, the battle cries of some of the Recon Soldiers, a massive thud, and then silence.
"Heidi?" I could hear Max shouting, but my mouth was buried in the crook of my elbow, and I was rolled into a ball so tightly that I couldn't move just yet.
"Adelheid? Heidi, please don't be dead!" there was the strangest tone to her voice, one I'd never heard before. "Please! Please, just crawl out from wherever you are and I promise I'll never be mean to you again! I won't tease you about your height! I won't – I won't tease or drink or do anything you don't like! H-Heidi! Adelheid!"
"Maxine…" the low voice was Erwin's, "she's… she's not… it must've crushed-"
"Shut up!" her shout was distraught, "I was supposed to – how could I have-" she broke off, and I heard heavy breathing. My limbs were starting to loosen up as the shock wore off, and I struggled to move my arms. I made a noise somewhere between a whimper and a moan.
"Can you smell that?" Mike's voice rung out, coming closer, "I… I can smell something." (No, I didn't wet my pants despite my predicament!).
"Smell what?" Erwin asked, and I heard his footsteps getting closer as well.
"Vanilla…" the footsteps got closer.
I tried to lift my head, but the burrow was almost collapsing on me, and the only source of light was somewhere to my right. Another strange noise snaked past my lips as my shoulder throbbed painfully at the constricting hollow.
"I heard something!" Erwin almost shouted, tearing at the bushes somewhere close.
"Huh? No blood around here?" sniffy guy questioned, "Then what happened…?"
I shifted slightly, hoping they'd have the sense to pull me out right away before I suffocated.
"Did you see that?" it was Max this time, sounding much like her usual self.
I groaned into my arm, wanting them to hurry up already.
Suddenly the small circle of light was blocked, and then a large, warm hand was on my arm. With a swift pull and a few grunts, I was suddenly pulled into the light, hissing as the brightness met my face.
When my eyes did adjust, the expressions on Mike, Erwin and Max's faces was priceless. I didn't have time to laugh, however, as Erwin reached over and helped sniffy guy tug me out the rest of the way. Wordlessly, I staggered to my feet and brushed off the debris clinging to me, tutting at the nasty dirt stains on my white pants.
"Heidi?" it was Max, half standing, watching me as though I'd disappear any second.
"Hm?" I didn't trust my voice quite yet, sure my tearstained face was quite the sight.
"You're so fucking stupid!" and she crashed into me, pulling me off my feet as easily as if I weighed nothing more than a rag doll. I know it was weak and pathetic, but tears sprung to my eyes at her embrace.
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed, clutching to her desperately, "I was s-so scared!"
"Shh, shut up you idiot!" she cried, somehow laughing at the same time, "You scared the life out of me!"
When she finally set me down, I raised a hand to my hair, wincing at the tangled mess that probably resembled a bird's nest, "Thanks for saving me," I directed my statement to all three of the Recon soldiers, cheeks aflame with embarrassment at the prospect of having been saved.
Cries sounded in the distance.
"We need to go back and help!" Mike exclaimed, readying his gear.
"You're right," Erwin nodded, "take Heidi up to a safe branch and join Max and I as soon as possible. They need us."
I could do little but squeak as I was thrown over Mike's broad shoulder a second before we went soaring through the air at a ridiculous pace. He set me down not far from camp, where the sounds of battle could be heard clearly, "I'll direct the injured up here," he nodded to the wide, sturdy branch we were situated on, "that okay with you?"
I nodded, "Send my pack, it has the supplies I need!"
With a brief pat on the shoulder, he was gliding towards the bloodshed, and was out of my sight before long. Nanaba came to me with my pack then, a few other able bodied soldiers hoisting the terribly injured along with them. I got straight to work, ordering the few soldiers who'd stayed around to help me about frantically, advising them on how to stop bleeding and set bones. I may have been a coward, but no man would die on my watch.
The stream of the injured was never ending, but eventually the strongest soldiers were the only ones left fighting, and so the injured remained at a steady number, strewn about the treetops with me.
I caught rides on Nanaba's back to other branches to treat the wounded as fast as I could. It was messy, and blood went everywhere, but I did my best to save all the lives I could. Some, however, were too severely injured, and so all I could do was inject them with milk of the poppy to ease their passing. It felt strange to be so useless to the dying.
Finally, after what felt like hours, the injured were moved to somewhere else on the perimeter of the forest, and I was allowed to climb onto Gunter's back to be taken to the new encampment. Flying through the tress with the 3DMG was slightly exhilarating, but I was glad when we landed on steady ground.
The camp was almost completely set up, with the tents for the injured lining the tree line and the bonfires going as early afternoon arrived. I made a beeline to the tents, hurrying to help the injured onto their mats. I went around with wet cloths, cleaning the wounds more thoroughly and replacing the hurriedly done bandages with fresh, firm ones.
By the time I was done with the major injuries, late afternoon was upon us. I then darted around camp, treating scratches, dislocated bones and nasty bruises. Night was falling when I finally found Max again.
"You look like shit, cherub," she commented, patting me on the head as we walked around the encampment.
"Thanks," I murmured, too tired to disagree, "are you injured?"
"Me?" she scoffed, "Do I look like an imbecile to you?"
I shook my head, supressing a yawn, "Getting injured doesn't mean you lack skill, Max."
"Like hell it does!" her loud voice echoed briefly over the soft murmurs of everyone else, but it comforted me in the strangest way. If Max was here, then everything would be alright.
"How…" I tried to force the words out without letting my voice shake, "how many died whole?"
I could feel her staring at me out of the corner of her eye, but I refused to meet her gaze, "Twenty one."
My sharp inhale pained my chest, but I kept my eyes trained on the ground in front of us, "In addition to the men that died later… that's twenty six." It hurt to say those words. It hurt that I was a healer, and that I still remained powerless to save those privy to the wrath of the titans.
"All the blood got to your head, then?" Max asked casually, though I could tell she was trying to be considerate towards my feelings.
I shook my head, "It's not… the blood, or the gore," I confessed, twiddling my thumbs, hesitating before I spoke again, "I've…- just, being a doctor means saving people who are about to die. Out here… I've never been so helpless to stop death before."
I berated myself for the way my voice hitched at the end of my sentence, but Max, ever so tactical, reached out a calloused hand and placed it on my shoulder, "Hey," she murmured, turning me to face her, hazel eyes that were usually so sharp and twinkling now filled with something I could only place as sorrow, "you can't save everyone. Trust me, I know better than anyone how impossible that is, no matter how good of a fighter, or how brilliant of a doctor – not everyone can be saved."
I nodded, though my bottom lip was still dangerously close to trembling.
"Do you know how my heart pummelled to the ground when I heard you screaming?" her eyes bore into mine, their endless depths swirling with emotion, "And when we finally caught sight of you, do you know how sick I felt when you fell? Me – one of the best fighters, couldn't even reach you in time. If I'm not good for fighting, then what use do I have? I couldn't save you – one of the most important people in the world. That made me feel like a failure."
I opened my mouth to speak, but she held up a hand, shaking her head, "Let me finish."
I snapped my mouth shut and waited.
"When Mike pulled you out of that hole I thought I was going to throw up and laugh and cry and dance all in the same moment. It made me realise that fate works in strange ways, Heidi. You were meant to live, and so you lived despite the fact that I couldn't make it to you in time. Know that when someone dies, it's not because you were incompetent, it's because fate made it so. I usually don't believe in this cynical bullshit, but it's true as far as I'm concerned."
Nodding, I opened my mouth to ask her something before –
"He's walking over here now," Max whispered, grinning softly. She spun me by the shoulders and pushed me in his direction, "off you go, cherub!"
I stumbled for a second, but righted my footing just as he came to a stop before me. His eyes roamed my form, finally settling on my face in the most curious display of relief, "You're alive," he whispered, stoic mask non-apparent.
I nodded, flushing under his gaze.
"I- when I heard you scream I just thought…" his brow furrowed for a second before he stepped forward and tugged me into his arms. My face seared, but I wrapped my arms around him best I could, revelling in his touch. He held on longer than I thought he would.
"L-Levi," I mumbled, peeking over his shoulder to see we were attracting quite some attention, "they're staring."
He only held me tighter, "Let them stare, I couldn't give a damn what they think as long as you're here."
That had my face as red as a tomato, and so I buried it in the crook of his neck to hide from the curious onlookers. After what felt like eons, I pulled away slowly, eyes scanning his profile, "Are you safe? Does anything hurt?"
"No," he shook his head, his hand finding the small of my back to lead me over to the logs by the campfire as the sky began to darken, "come, you need to eat." I sat down on a log as he went off for a few minutes before returning with food, and most curiously, a handkerchief and a hairbrush.
"Eh?" I mumbled as he thrust the food into my hands.
"Eat," he demanded, sitting beside me as he unscrewed the water flask.
After a hesitant bite, he thrust the water to my mouth, "Drink," he commanded, and I complied. It felt strange to be babied by him, but not bad.
"Why are you doing this?" I mumbled as he continued forcing me to eat and drink.
His bored gaze lingered on my cheeks (which I now only realise must have been tearstained – probably with dirt from the burrow staining them aslo), before drifting back up to my eyes, "It's your first time watching someone being eaten. You're in shock."
"I'm not in-"
"Your skin is pale, and it's cold and clammy," he began, his voice low, "your breathing is shallow and uneven. I can tell you're anxious because your knee hasn't stopped bopping up and down for the last ten minutes. You're confused and just the slightest bit disorientated. You know it well yourself, so let me take care of you just this once."
He left me speechless, but I let him feed me and coax water into my mouth. He doused the handkerchief in water and wiped my face clean, with a gentleness I didn't know he possessed. I could vaguely hear Hanji and Max chuckling somewhere in the background, but I couldn't bring myself to care all that much.
Levi stood behind me, pulling the tie out of my hair and holding up the brush, "May I?" his smooth voice sent chills down my spine and I nodded quickly, enjoying his proximity. Softly, slowly, he eased the knots out of my hair, picking out leaves and twigs occasionally. It calmed me enough that I let myself lean back on him. Even when the knots were out, he kept brushing through my tiresomely long locks, eventually trailing his fingers through it gently. I struggled to keep any strange sounds from escaping me.
With a finally stroke of the brush, he pulled my hair to the side and tied it into a pony tail, letting the blonde waves fall over my shoulder. I yawned.
He made to walk away, but I clutched onto his pant leg, "Stay with me?"
He hesitated, but eventually chose to sit beside me. I was tired, and my body hurt, but Levi sat close enough for me to lean my head on his shoulder, and everything felt just that little bit better. I could see Erd, Gunter, Hanji, Mike, Dita, Nanaba and Henning across the fire (Max and Erwin were strangely missing…?).
He slowly edged his arm around my waist, and we sat that way for a while, neither of us speaking as we stared into the fire together.
"How did you know that?" I murmured, leaning heavily into his side.
"Hn?" he didn't know what I was talking about.
"About the shock? How did you know?" I clarified, my voice still at a whisper.
"I… learnt it from my past. My line of work often saw blood and fall outs, and many comrades faced shock," he explained.
"Ah… before the Recon Corps then?" I yawned, my hand creeping over his leg to find his.
"Yes," he muttered, leaning his head to rest on mine, "I wasn't the noblest of people then."
"You?" I giggled, "Anything but noble? I don't believe it!"
His thumb began rubbing circles into the back of my hand. It was soothing.
"I lived in Sina," he breathed.
My ears perked up at that, "Sina? When?"
He paused, arm around me stiffening, "I was last there when I was fifteen. That was ten years ago."
"Ah," I hummed, sensing his discomfort towards the topic, "If you'd been there two years more we might've met."
I felt him shake his head, "If I stayed there two years more I'd be dead."