Don't Let Me Be Lonely Chapter 2, a hunger games fanfic

Author's Note: There is a shift of POV from Aster to Gale at the end of the chapter. I will not be marking it with "POV". It's a style pet peeve and I don't like the look of it. Also, if I can't make it clear who's POV you're reading then I'm not writing well enough. Just a heads up.

There Goes My Life

I'm Pregnant; I'm late, I'm never late. The thought is too enormous to think about. Too terrifying to face. It makes me want to crawl into my bed, hide under the covers, and never come out again. At first I tried to convince myself it was the stress of the games that made me late- having to watch every day to see whether my only friend lived or died, and some days it looked like it could have been either. But then the nausea came; and it came with a vengeance. I've hardly been able to keep anything down. And while I feel more exhausted than usual, and find myself hit by sudden dizzy spells, I know I'm not sick. I know my body when I'm ill and this… this is something different.

Despite sleeping with Gale, this was never an outcome I saw coming. I know I should have, I've heard the girls at school talk, I understand the gist of how babies are made, but I didn't. I mean, what are the odds? The one time we're together, my first time, I end up pregnant. There's only one possible explanation I can find… Its poetic justice. Gale hasn't spoken to me since the afternoon in the woods. I've seen him in the Seam and school. A few times his eyes have caught sight of mine upon him, but he only looks away. I know he regrets what we did. I know he wishes I would just forget and go away. What we did meant nothing to him. I had merely served a purpose. And while it meant something to me, I know it should have meant more. I should have waited, I should have told him no, and now I'm paying the ultimate price for my foolish impulses.

I feel lost in my thoughts, trapped in my head, and have been for days. I can hear the dinner conversation going on around me, but it feels miles away. Completely removed from it, it barely registers when Marigold calls my name. My eyes shoot up from the spot on the table they've been glued to for who knows how long, and find my sister in-law's orbs waiting impatiently.

"It's rude to not respond when spoken too, Aster." She scolds me before getting to her point. "Why aren't you eating? I prepared a lovely braised rabbit and you haven't even bothered to touch it." She continues to pick at me. Always looking down her nose at me, and normally I would have thrown a snide comment back. Reminded her I'm usually the one who has to cook, because she's too squeamish to skin and fix the meat, but today I don't have the strength.

My eye's fall down to the plate before me. Undercooked meat slathered in its own bloody juices with overcooked mushy vegetable waft up my nose, and instantly my stomach revolts uncontrollably. Instinct takes over as I abruptly push back from the table. Covering my mouth, I rush to the bathroom, and make it there in barely enough time to empty the contents of my stomach. There wasn't much in there as I haven't been able to keep much down, but still I heave uncontrollably. Tears burn in my eyes as I retch until I'm left dry heaving. On shaky legs, I rise to my feet. Reaching the sink I rinse my mouth and try my best to make myself look presentable, normal, before returning to the table.

All eyes hang on me as I reappear. Concern hangs in my grandmother's eyes while my brother, Lydle, and Marigold glare with criticism. "Really Aster, the rest of us are eating." My brother admonishes me. "Are you sick? You've been doing this for days." He obliviously prods me with questions. And thankfully for me, with his lack of knowledge on children, none of his own, he hasn't put it together.

"I'm feeling tired. I think I would like to lie down. Aster, be a dear and help me upstairs." My grandmother chimes in. Redirecting their attention, saving me from lies I wasn't sure I had the strength to formulate in my current state.

Nodding, I quickly go to her, wrapping my arms around her small frail body as I move us toward the stairs. I know she saved me. Her body is weak, and her heart broken from a life that stole away too many people who she loved, and yet left her cursed to live to a ripe old age alone, without them. She doesn't have much fight left in her. She spends most of her days in her room reading. Coming down only for meals, but in her own way, she protects me. She takes care of me and makes sure I know I'm loved. She's the only real family I have left.

When we reach her room, I help her to her bed. With slow steady movements, she shifts onto the mattress, her back coming to rest against the propped up pillows. I smile softly upon her with thanks and go to leave, to let her rest, but her hand catches mine. Our eyes meet as she softly smiles at me. Releasing my hand, she lightly pats the mattress beside her.

Following her wishes, I take a seat. Her eye's find mine again; beautiful green eyes that have faded with age, but never lost their spark. They say I get my eyes from her. Her gaze holds me captive as she reaches up to gently stroke the hair framing my face. "Sweet girl…" She calls me, and I finally see it in her eyes, she knows. She knows the hopeless predicament I've gotten myself into. She sees the signs for what they are. And I should have known she would. Surely she's been around long enough to see a sad case such as mine at least once. And even if she hasn't, she knows the signs. She knows what they mean.

Seeing she knows my secret becomes my unraveling. Seeing my secret in her loving sad eyes, sends emotion constricting in my throat. And tears burning in the edges of my eyes before they cascade down my cheeks.

"Sweet baby girl…" My grandmother's weathered voice calls to me, filling with emotion as she tenderly pulls my head down to her lap. Her skin feels paper thin, but soft as feathers as she gently brushes my hair away from my face, her other hand holding me near.

I haven't let myself cry over this. I haven't let myself admit it was real in a way that could touch my heart, but as my grandmother wraps me in her loving arms, I feel the truth crash down hard upon me. Tears I've been holding at bay finally break free, slipping endlessly from my eyes. Sputtering bursts of breath shutter past my lips as I tremble with fear. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've never been so afraid and desperate in my life. And despite the comforting support of my grandmother, support I'd died without, I know I'm completely alone in this. And that scares me to the bone.

After the initial shock wears off, I'm left with an unbearable desperation humming through my veins. The full scope of my situation is eating me alive from the inside out. What I have done will surely be the death of me. When my brother finds out I'm pregnant he'll throw me out on the street. He's only kept me this long for the money and the chance to sell me off for marriage to the highest bidder on my eighteenth birthday, like one of the plump pigs we raise for slaughter out back. I'll be a disgrace to myself and my family if I have this baby alone; if I survive at all.

I know living alone on the streets I will die. Despite what Katniss has taught me, I won't be able to survive on my own. And Gale has made it abundantly clear he wants nothing to do with me. Just a memory of a weak moment he'd like to forget. I know Katniss would be there for me, but she's already supporting her family and helping with Gale's; even more, she's now a victor. There's only so much to go around and let's face it, I'm a hopeless case. I contemplate sneaking off into the woods and swallowing a handful of nightlock to save everyone the weight of my burden. The first berry Katniss showed me, and adamantly explained why I should never eat it. But if my life is over anyway….

Even if I managed to survive, scrape by, barely living. My skin and the skin of my child would surely hang from mere bones and empty bellies. Even if I managed to muster that grim fate for my child, what then?

My child will have to suffer six years in the Hunger Games lottery. A lottery unfairly rigged by tesserae's we'd surely have to take out endlessly to survive. Enough to fill the bowl with my child's name so many times, the odds would never be in their favor. They'd run the high risk of being sent off to the slaughter while I watched, helpless, from a world away.

And as if bringing a child into this messed up world alone doesn't sound painful enough, imaging watching them die sounds unbearable. Everyone I've known in district twelve who've lost a child in the Hunger Games, never came back from the loss. It's as if their souls died in the arena right along with their child. They say losing your child is worse than death, that it's the worst pain anyone can experience. And I'm staring it down as a very real outcome in a future that would find me and my child all too soon.

If by some grace my child escaped the games and then it would have to go down into the mines. Where more people are burned or buried alive than ever live to grow old. Dying a slow and painful death of lung disease at an old age is the only gift a cold miner can pray for. And, if she's a girl without a father, she'll be left vulnerable to the predators within the Seam always searching for weak prey; for girls without fathers who can't fight back. Who are desperate for money to survive; who are starving and hopeless; who have only frail broken mothers to protect them.

How anyone could bring a child into this battered world, into district twelve, feels more like a cruel punishment than a blessing. It's a future too full of despair to pass. And that's exactly what brings me to Katniss's door on a muggy summer day; to their tiny run down house that could pass for a shack.

Mrs. Everdeen answers easily enough. She's look happier than I expected, but I can still see from the fine lines and dark circles under her eyes, the games have taken their toll. Her eyes survey me, slightly surprised. "Katniss won't be home for a few more days." She smiles and I can see a light touch her eyes in knowing her daughter is coming home alive. I've been so preoccupied with my own desperate situation it had barely registered that my best friend beat the odds, had not only survived, but won. A triumphant joy that would have me singing from the hilltops if my own plight wasn't so bleak.

"I actually came to see you." I say, my eyes dropping from hers and down to my feet out of a shame I'm not ready for her to see.

Ushering me in, Prim bursts through the room, and comes crashing into my arms for a fierce hug. "She did it! I knew she could do it!" Her young elated voice fills the room with life and vibrates through me. Prim is truly a small piece of heaven, a drop of sunlight in the midst of a storm. It's no wonder everyone, town or Seam, love her so dearly.

I hug her tightly in return until she pulls free. "Never doubted her." I smile back, even though the elation doesn't touch my eyes in quite the way I know it should.

Mrs. Everdeen walks me over to the kitchen table just off the door before she turns to me. Her eyes hanging preemptively upon me. I swallow hard to build my nerve. "I have a problem I could use your help with." My voice comes out steady, but slow from nerves. Now that I'm standing in front of her this feels harder than I ever imagined it would be.

Mrs. Everdeen nods simply. "Alright, well what seems to be the problem?" She asks me.

My eyes nervously scan the room. Falling on Prim and holding for a moment. I'm not sure if I should be sharing this in front of her. Then again, I'm not sure I should be sharing this at all. I'm not even sure I should be here. I'm not sure of anything these days. "I'm pregnant." I manage to slip out on a hushed breath barely above a whisper. The horror of the words passing through my lips unnerves even me.

An audible gasp bursts off Prim's lips and echoes throughout the suddenly quiet room. Shaking me, reminding me how disgraceful I've become. How foolishly I've thrown away my whole life.

"Prim dear, go check on Lady. I think she's due for a feeding." Mrs. Everdeen quickly speaks up as if realizing this situation was too sensitive for Prim to aid.

I can feel Prim's shocked eyes hinged upon me even before I look back at her. She appears frozen and immobile by my news and I instantly regret confessing it in front of her.

"Prim." Mrs. Everdeen calls more firmly, catching her daughter's attention this time. Something in her eyes seeming to convey it was time for her to go, before Prim nods, and slips out of the front door.

I say a silent prayer as she disappears that she'll keep this news to herself. I barely have time to turn back to Mrs. Everdeen before I see her rapidly approach me. "You know for certain?" She questions in a matter of fact tone and I know I'm now speaking with Mrs. Everdeen – healer. Her voice is delicate, but the look in her eyes reveals how bad this really is.

I shake my head no as I chew nervously on my lower lip. "But I'm pretty sure. I'm late… I'm never late. And I… A little over the month ago I…" I confess on a heavy breath unable to finish. Feeling the emotion stir back to life within my chest. Threatening to surge upward and leave me a crumbling mess in moments.

Mrs. Everdeen quickly rattles off a series of questions. I can tell its protocol, really. Diagnosing me, while probably hoping I just have the flu. My mind begins to drift away with her questions. My body is still there, but I allow myself to slip away. Thankfully my lips manage to provide her with an answer. Questions that only seem to dig my grave a little deeper with each confirmed response. Do you have tender breasts? Check. Fatigue? Check. Frequent urination and dizziness. Check. Nauseas? Check. Check.

I finally seem to come to as I take in the sullen look that washes over Mrs. Everdeen's face before she nods. Finally coming to the same conclusion that I had- I'm pregnant.

Her nod confirming what I already knew sends a rush of panic racing through my chest. My breath begin to pump out in erratic frantic bursts. My heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest. I feel I could black out any moment just before Mrs. Everdeen takes hold of my elbow and seems to lower me into a chair. "Breathe slowly," She instructs, mimicking her own words as if to give a demonstration as her eyes burrow into mine with concern. "The father?" She finally asks me after I've begun to slowly do as she asks. Slow breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth, repeat. Don't think about your fate. Don't think about why you're here. Just breathe.

Gale rushes into my mind and everything I felt for him, still feel for him. And how I let those feelings cloud my judgment into making the biggest mistake of my life. All of it a bittersweet kiss of doom. "He doesn't know me, not really. Barely tolerates me." My face drops with shame. Shame that Mrs. Everdeen has to know I gave myself away so recklessly to a boy who cares so little for me. Feeling the need to explain, to make Mrs. Everdeen see how desperate my situation is, if she doesn't already, my lips begin to fly. Words shooting out in rapid succession. "I was just so upset after the reaping's, and he was there, and… When my brother finds out he'll throw me out onto the streets. I'm not strong like Katniss. We won't be able to survive. The baby will surely starve to death if it even makes it to birth." My words rattle off as fear and panic build in momentum within the chambers of my heart.

What I'm saying isn't implausible. Mrs. Everdeen knows this. Hell, her own children almost suffered that same cruel fate after her husband's death. People drop dead of starvation all the time in the Seam. Starvation of one degree or another is common place within the Seam. So often no one bats an eye. With the life I've lived, the little survival knowledge I have, I have no doubts that would be me and my baby decaying in the cold unforgiving streets. My future so unbearably set it sends tears I can no longer hold back building in the brim within my eyes, because the words I'm about to say kill me almost as much as my fate does.

"I've heard the talk before. I know there are herbs that can…" But I can't say the words, they're too painful, too ugly. They make me feel cruel and callous. As if I have no regard for the life growing within me. But I do! And that's why I'm here's making this unbearable choice. Tears I can no longer contain fall down my cheeks as I feel my face crumble in despair. "There's a difference between suffering a cruel death and never being born… There's a difference." I break down with the words. Tears fall hard and fast down my face as I try to justify a choice that I know will destroy me, in a situation that leaves me with no good answer. I begin to choke on my own breath as Mrs. Everdeen wraps me in her arms. I don't want to do this. I don't want to kill the life growing inside me, but I don't see a better solution.

Mrs. Everdeen's hands feel gentle and comforting as they hold me near and rub my back. Softly she sooths me. "It's ok. It's going to be ok." She whispers, lying words to me in a motherly way that reminds me how badly I wish my mom was still here. That maybe I wouldn't be in this situation if she was. Holding on until I begin to get ahold of myself. Until I feel like I'm able to bear the weight of my predicament, my fate, my request, again.

Pulling back slowly, Mrs. Everdeen offers me an empathic smile as she gently wipes the tears from my puffy tear stained face. "Who's the father, Aster?" She quietly speaks. Keeping it low as if she understands this is a secret.

I hesitate, not wanting to say it, least of all to her, but I'm caught between a rock and hard place. She's the only person who can help me, and if she's asking for the truth, it's the least I owe her. "…Gale." I whisper out on a shuttered breath that's barely audible.

I watch as Mrs. Everdeen's features grimace, shaken by the news, but still she manages to holds it together. It takes her a moment to speak, but I can only imagine there's a conversation bursting inside her mind as she stares at me.

Taking my hand, Mrs. Everdeen looks me square in the eye. "Talk to him. You must tell him…" Her words are firm and adamant. She isn't asking me. She's insisting. "Then… then if that's still what you choose, I may be able to help you." I can tell by the way she speaks, her words have been carefully chosen. She doesn't want this anymore than I do, but she understands the severity of my situation too. Seeing something in Gale I don't, having faith in him, Mrs. Everdeen is trying to save me this pain. After what happened between us, after what's happening to me because of it, I don't share that same faith in Gale, but I know now she's right, I have to tell him. So reluctantly I agree.

Gale turned nineteen a few weeks ago. I know because his birthday is only a month from mine; even though we're two years apart. He's been working in the mines ever since coming of age. Which has made it exceedingly more difficult to catch him in private. And I want to tell him before Katniss gets back in a few days and consumes Gale's every free moment. He works long twelve hour shifts, but I remember they have Sundays off, and instinctively I know where I'll find him.

I slip past the fence in the late morning. When I can get away without it being questioned. I slip into the trees and trek on as the woods begin to swallow me. I have a pretty good idea where to look. A few places Katniss has taken me before, with Gale alongside. Silently, I beg he's at one of them. Rounding a valley and climbing a small hill, I let out a sigh of relief when I spot him. Bow in hand. I don't make it two more steps before he turns on me. Whips around in a flash. Bow raised, arrow aimed surely for my head.

Instinctually I freeze, my eyes grow as wide as saucers, and I pray I haven't just taken my last breath.

Thankfully, he recognizes me in time and sends the arrow whizzing past my shoulder, instead of into my skull. "Could have gotten yourself killed." He barks at me, making the journey over my way to retrieve his arrow that lodged in a tree just a few feet past me.

My eyes follow his every move, but I refuse to let him think he's phased me. I refuse to reveal most of myself to him anymore. "Making smart choices hasn't been my strong suit lately." I say flatly with a shrug of my shoulders.

Gale eyes me unamused as he yanks the arrow from the thick trunk; careful not to bend or damage it. "Can we talk?" I speak up as he makes his way back down the hill. As if he's done with whatever game I'm playing. And needs to use what little time he has to hunt instead of shooting spiteful banter with me. I'm bitter, I'm willing to admit that. I feel burned by Gale Hawthorne and seeing him now only makes the wound sizzle again.

Gale hesitates, his feet coming to a full stop. His broad back to me as he seems to contemplate my request, but ultimately he concedes. And I like to think it's because he knows he owes me this much. Nodding, he takes a seat in the tall grass lining the hill I emerged from, his brooding eyes overlooking another deep valley that lay before him.

I take a cue and come to sit beside him. I draw my knees up to my chest as if unconsciously creating a further barrier against him. We sit in awkward silence for what feels like forever. Now that I'm here I don't know how to start this. Blurting it out doesn't feel right, but we don't exactly have much else in common to break the ice with. That's when Katniss fills my mind.

"She did it." I say, my voice filling with a sense of awed reverence as I gaze out in the valley below. Allowing my heart to swell with pride for my dear friend, who's stronger than anyone I know. Who beat the unbeatable odds and who is finally coming home.

"Yeah, she did." Gale agrees, a lightness filling his breath as a smile he can't seem to hold back softens his face. I grow mad at myself as his charming smile summons an all too familiar fluttering in my belly. This is the first sign of real emotion he's revealed since I arrived and I can't believe I'm letting it get to me. And I know it's because he loves her. I've known that for some time. You'd have to be blind not too. And while some girls in my situation might feel resentful toward the girl who holds his heart, I don't. I'm not foolish enough to think it's Katniss who stands between me and Gale, it's just me; or rather his lack of interest.

The awkward silence settles in around us again. In a second we've run out of things we can talk about, we share, beside the giant elephant in the room neither of us seems to want to bring up. My fingers begin to fidget upon my knee and I know I'm rapidly hitting my make-it or break-it moment, an all-in kind of thing. And just when I think the nerves in my belly are going to strangle me they're so tight, Gale finally speaks up. "Aster, what happened between us was…." He starts, his voice is flat and detached in a way that only feels sterile and cold, but I can tell he feels the need to explain.

He starts to say it, A Mistake. I can already hear the words before they ever leave his breath. And I can't bear it, I can't bear to hear him say it. I'll never be able to tell him why I'm really here if I have to hear him call me a mistake. So despite the anxiety waging war on my body, just under my skin, I know I have to beat him to the punch. Before the damage is done, and I'll chick-out of telling him. "Gale, I'm pregnant." I blurt out suddenly, not nearly a yell, but far more vocal and firm than I had intended.

Instantly his breath dies, killing those words on his lips that I couldn't bear to hear. I don't dare look at him. I'm too afraid of what I'll see written across his face, contorting his features. He sits silently, shocked I presume, for what feels like several agonizing minutes before he finally finds the nerve to speak. "Are you sure?" He questions me. His breath his hollow, but I can't read any other emotions that must be bursting inside him.

A relieved breath slips quietly past my lips that he at least has the decency to not ask me if it is his. To not insult me after blowing me off. "Yeah." I answer meekly, unable to elaborate any further.

I hear a heavy sigh leave Gale's breath, but still I don't dare look at him and I can feel, he doesn't dare look at me either. We just sit there in a silence that seems to drag on forever. Crushed under the weight of what we've done. Of what our foolish actions have cost us. Every minute that passes and he doesn't say a word feels like it's cutting deeper into me. I turn my face away from him as I feel a tear slip down my cheek. I refuse to let Gale see it. My trembling hand quickly wipes it away. And I know in that moment I have to get out of here. I've already stayed too long and if I stay any longer, the world around me will surely cave in. Summoning my strength, a strength that has kept me going through all of this, kept me going after my parents died, I rise to my feet, and walk away.

After Aster leaves, I spend most of the day in the woods. I don't return home until it's almost dusk. Not ready to face my family until I absolutely have to. I have very little to show for the hours I put in; two squirrels and a small rabbit. My mind was too haunted, too distracted by the news to achieve any real hunting after Aster left.

When I finally return home my mother, Hazelle, seems to know instantly something is wrong. The way she always seems to know with a glance. Besides Katniss, she's the only person who can take one look at me and instantly read me like an open book.

I'm silent as night settles in, lost in the confines of my own mind. Aster's words ringing over and over in my head like an incessant gong that offers no peace. On the rare occasions I make eye contact with my family, especially my mother, I can tell from the worried look in her eyes I look like the weight of the world is resting upon me. And it is.

I sit silently throughout dinner; here, but not really. I know I need to get it together, and usually I'm the first to put my feelings aside, never let anything phase me, in order to spare my family that burden. But I can't do it this time. I can't find it in me to pretend everything's ok, my life hasn't felt this out of control since the day my dad died. When Posy approaches me, asking me to read her a book before bed, a beloved tradition we've enacted since she was very small, I find myself stuck under the collapsing pressure inside me.

I stare frozen upon my baby sister, my dark eyes fixated, because it's like I'm seeing her for the first time. Her big doe eyes, round rosy cheeks, cherry little pout, I remember when she was just the swell of my mother's belly, and look at her now. The baby growing inside Aster, my baby, this is what it will become. A living breathing child, it will need me the way Posy does and more. And no matter what step I make from here, there's nothing I can do to change this from becoming reality. This baby is coming whether I'm ready or not. My eyes slowly begin to grow wide in horror with the weight of my realization. "I… I…" My lips stumble in response as Posy stares up at me with big innocent eyes, obvious to the conflict swimming in my head.

"Not tonight, baby. Rory is going to read to you." My mother quickly steps in. Wrapping gentle arms around my sister's shoulders as she guides her over toward my younger brother. Rory offers our mother a disgruntled huff in response to his new added responsibility, but quickly obeys under the weight of Hazelle's stare. "Get the kids ready for bed." She instructs before shooing them off into another room.

Returning to the table, Hazelle finds me just where she had left me. My gaze focuses upon my fisted hands resting on the tabletop, my head hangs low. Almost more dazed and lost in my own mind than before, if that's possible.

Sucking in a deep breath as if to prepare herself for whatever is weighing me down to my bones. News she seems to already sense will be devastating, my mom takes a seat beside me at the table.

"Gale…" She calls to me in that familiar melody that she has been singing off her lips since the day I was born.

My big brown eyes shoot up to my mother seated beside me. I can tell with a glance, the fear and vulnerability blinding in my usually strong eyes is heartbreaking for her to see. "What happened?" She questions me as gently as possible. A look of empathy and support shooting from her eyes. Reaching out to me as I hang on by a thread beside her. I can practically read her mind, she's plagued with fear for Katniss. Surely, the only person she can think of who could have this big of an effect on me.

My eyes shoot away from her suddenly with the question. I can't bear to look her in eye as I share the news. I can't bear to see the disappointment. How much I've let her down. Too ashamed of what I've done. "You know Aster Alloway?" I manage to spit out on a low deep breath. The question is rhetorically really. Of course my mother knows who she is. Distinct twelve isn't that large and there was a time when Aster's family had once been prominent, but it feels like a good place to start.

"Yes," My mom confirms, waiting preemptively to see where this will lead. A twinge of confusion in her eyes tells me she was sure this was about Katniss and the mention of another girl has thrown her. I'm pretty sure my mother knows more of Aster Alloway than she knows the girl personally. Her family is well known, I remember my mother speaking fondly of Aster's mother after the train accident. But most people in the Seam only know Aster as the lost girl who wanders the Seam looking for things she'll never find here. And on occasion, I know my mother has seen her tag along with Katniss and me when we return from a hunt.

I feel my throat tighten, my chest constrict as the moment of truth arrives at my feet. "She's pregnant." I barely whispers out on a husky breath. And as the words leave my breath, come to life in a world larger than my own tortured mind, I begin to feel an anger fill within me too. Saying it out loud feels humiliating, shameful, and crushing. It makes it real in a way I don't feel prepared to face.

My mother's eyes fall shut as my words impact her. She fights to restrain an audible emotionally driven response. I know, the last thing she wants to do right now is drive me away. Because even though I don't say I'm the one who got Aster pregnant, we both know I wouldn't be sharing this, wouldn't be so torn up, if I wasn't.

Reaching out, my mother takes my hand. Giving me a silent show of support. The look in her eyes conveys silently, she can't tell me things are going to be ok. She can't tell me this one will work itself out. Because those would be lies. All she can offer me in this moment is her loving support as I walks into an unknown future.

Anger begins to swell inside me. What have I done?! I've ruined everything! How could I let this happen?! I should have been careful, I should have pulled out, or never touched her at all. It's not as if she's the first girl I've taken a run of it with. Merchant girls love to go slummin' with a boy from the Seam. But I know the unspoken rules. You don't get to keep them. You don't get them pregnant. You never get them pregnant! But instead I let my emotions get the best of me. My 'I don't give a damn about anything attitude' after watching Katniss be taken away, and now I've landed flat on my face in a pile of shit for it. Taking my family and Aster with me, because they too will have to deal with this new burden.

How am I going to feed another mouth? Do I want to feed another mouth? I love my brothers and sister, but am I ready for another Posy or Vick running around? Am I ready to be anyone's father? And God, with Aster of all people. A girl I've always written off as privileged and naive. How will she ever survive in my world, in the Seam? I don't want to be responsible for her. Especially not since Katniss is finally coming home. And despite the show with Peeta during the Games, I still feel confident I have a chance to win her back. A chance to make Katniss see what we share. What we've always shared. And Now… Now I've gotten Aster pregnant! I erupt to life with inner turmoil, my free hand's been slowly fisting tighter with each unbearable realization. Only to release in a fury as I slam my strong tight fist upon the table top with a vengeance. Sending the table hobbling under the pressure and my mother shooting back in her chair with surprise.

Deep in the night, I awake suddenly covered in a cool sweat. The unbearable truth found me. Late at night, in my dreams. A nightmare paints the horrific possibility of watching my child be raised on the sidelines of my life, because I refused to claim her. In my dream, it had been girl, mirrored Posy. A child who suffered the brutalities of growing up in the Seam without a father to protect her. With a mother who was unprepared and barely scraping by. Too young to fight for herself like Katniss had. As I stood on the sidelines watching her as if she could be anyone's daughter.

Those images terrify me as I recall them in the twilight. The gravity of the situation finally beats inside my heart, because I know what's like to grow up without a father. And I finally see, this baby will be tied to me in a way that is deeper than any I share with my family now. And nothing matters more to me than family. No matter what I feel for Katniss. No matter what I don't feel for Aster. My wants and desires no longer have a say. The baby growing inside Aster is mine. And if I don't take care of that child, the grimy wolves that wander the Seam dressed as men surely will. Catching my heavy breath, I know what I have to do.

Authors note:

Some of you may have noticed, some of you may have not, but I'm running this story in two versions with either Aster or Madge. And I'm planning on having this chapter settle which character wins, which story continues. I did it this way, because some fandoms aren't interested in OC's and since Gale/Madge already have a following, I thought I would throw it out there. So please, let me know which do you prefer Aster or Madge for this story, or both stories? Every comment/vote counts so please let me know what you think. Thank you.

Gale will have a real turn around in the way he approaches Aster starting next chapter now that he knows what's happening. I didn't want Gale to have an instant a-bout-face after learning Aster is pregnant. She's a girl he isn't fond of. So I wanted Gale to go through the motion, let the realization of what's happening come to him at a natural pace and then have him make the right choice. Which I do believe he would, make the right choice that is. Gale lives for his family, he's an honorable man, I believe he would step up for his child once the initial shock wore off and he dealt with his feelings about the situation.

As for the abuse in Aster's family, Peeta's mother in the books really set the foundation on that for me. Also, physical abuse is more prevalent in families of low SES as these families tend to experience more stressors and strains, among other issues. Since district twelve is the poorest district, I felt it was very likely Peeta wasn't the only person with a family like that. And having a family like that, I explain aster actions with Gale a little more, why she goes to the Seam.

Authors note:

This chapter was extremely emotionally charged, posibly the most emotionally intense chapter, and I really tried to write it with realism and honesty. I want to also explain my take on Aster going to see Mrs. Everdeen. It's a touchy topic and I really tried to be delicate. However, the book's makes such a point of how horrible the conditions are in district twelve, Katniss herself never even wanted to have kids, so I felt someone of Aster's age and in her situation would consider everything. She's desperate, and desperate people make desperate choices. If you hate it, try not to judge too hard.