Part 5: Never be The Same Again
It had been decided me and Aster would be married in secret the following day in Katniss's home. That plan quickly fell apart when late into the evening Katniss received a jaw dropping call from Effie; off of a device I didn't even know existed until it started to make an incessant ringing noise.
Effie and the Capitol crew who had been trailing the victors since they returned home would be coming over to film Katniss organizing her cousin's wedding, as a brief spot in their return home special- a follow up on what the victors have been up to since returning home, a continuation of their love saga ignited in the games. If that news wasn't bizarre enough, learning President Snow had made the request personally sent a shudder down all our spines.
How does President Snow know about an engagement that has barely been spoke of outside Katniss's walls? And more importantly, why does he care? Why would the leader of Panem want to film a wedding between a lowly Seam boy and an orphaned Merchant girl from district twelve? The silent look of fear in everyone's eyes, the disgusted twisting deep in my gut, tells me Aster and I just became pawns in a game that has very little to do with us and everything to do with Katniss and Peeta's victory.
Effie and a small army descended up Katniss's home hours later and quickly begun transforming her house for an occasion. Taking special note to make sure everything done could pass as something Katniss had herself in preparation. If Katniss had a flare for fashion, which the Capitol seems to think she does.
It's decided that Aster would stay with the Everdeens until the wedding, and as Prim was showing Aster to her room, the inevitable news began to sink in, and I knew I needed to have a moment alone with Katniss. The first time I had seen her since the games was the moment she found out Aster was pregnant. I can't leave it like that, not even for a day. There is so much to say, with words, with our eyes, but I know I can't leave things the way they were. That proved easily done as I snuck upstairs and find her sitting alone in her new room.
Our eyes meet as I stand in her doorway. Our eyes lock and hold with a surge of our connection. A connection that nothing can break. Not time, not distance, not Peeta, not even the pregnancy… Nothing. Katniss doesn't say a word, but I can see it, I know. My biggest fear has come to pass; she's different- the Games have changed her. She's still my Catnip, beautiful as ever, but deep in her eyes, I can see it. A fear so deep, it threatens to swallow her alive. Dark shadows where light only used to shine. I can only imagine what hides in the darkness, but I don't need to ask her to know, it's a parting gift the games have left her.
Katniss rises slowly from her bed and even before she moves, I know she's coming for me. Gratefully, I open my arms wide, ready to envelope her in. Her arms wind desperately tight around me, as my own do the same. Clinging to each other for the time we lost during the Games, for the distance it created, and the way our lives have changed in the blink of an eye.
Wounds sting between us, burned across our hearts, but still I hold her tight and she holds me even tighter. Watching her with Peeta as they paraded their love for all to see in the Games, broke my heart, but seeing the look on Katniss' face when she heard Aster is pregnant made us even in a really sad and unfair way. In less than two months, it feels like the world has done everything it can to tear us apart, to come between us. But the hold of our arms tells me we're going to try our hardest not to let that happen. And it's time for the honesty to begin. It won't be easy, but I know where I have to start. Taking a deep breath, I try to explain her what happened between me and Aster before Katniss quickly cuts me off.
"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Gale." Katniss cuts in, rapidly untangling from our embrace as if she's finally realized how close we were and that it's no longer appropriate like it was before. Her eyes only finding mine once again when she's taken several steps back. And despite the strength brimming in her eyes, a strength that has kept her alive all these years, especially in the arena, I can also see shades of anger and betrayal hiding in her iris too.
My head shakes in adamant disagreement of her words, because she couldn't be more wrong.
"You're the first person I need to explain my actions to, Catnip." I push it, my special name for her ringing off my lips. To remind her who she is to me, what she means to me. That she's one of the few people in this world I feel deserves an explanation.
Holding my eyes as I watch her struggle to keep her emotions buried underneath. Emotions that she can never really hide from me, because I know her too well. Silently, she nods in agreement, willing to hear me out, but a message passes secretly but clearly from her eyes to mine… 'Not here'.
"Let's go for a walk." She states, no question in her voice before she grabs her coat and exits her bedroom. Knowing I won't be far behind.
We're well out of the Victors Village and half way to town before her eyes give me the signal it's safe to speak openly now. She keeps walking, but I don't want to tell her like that. It doesn't feel right, feels to casual. Coming to an abrupt stop, I take Katniss's shoulders, halting her before I turn her to face me. Our eyes lock before I ever say a word.
"I screwed up, alright… It all started because of the damn reaping's. Which I'm sure you know wasn't one of my better days. After saying goodbye to you at the Justice building I was… a wreck." My breath comes out heavy; I run an agitated hand through my hair as the feelings resurface inside my heart with the memory.
It dances around in the chambers of my chest like a festering wound that refuses to go away. I don't think I'll ever forget the pain, fear, and helplessness I felt that day. Wanting frantically to help her in some way and being impotent to do anything. The look in Katniss's eyes says she can feel my pain.
"I went to the woods to be alone, to clear my head. Guess Aster had the same idea, because that's where I found her. I just couldn't handle losing you for another second. Knowing where you were headed and that I couldn't help you… I had to get away from everything, get away from myself; she was just there. I know that doesn't justify what happened, but it's the truth." I lay it out there in a way I only feel comfortable doing with Katniss, with brute honesty. I know how ugly it sounds, when I replay it in my mind I feel like a selfish bastard, and I was. A fact I would be too ashamed to admit to anyone, but not Katniss. But I need her to know the truth.
Katniss eyes me silently for a moment, but the fire in her gray eyes tells me what's coming.
"How could you risk it, Gale? Another mouth to feed, another name in the reaping bowl. I don't understand why you would take that chance. You know better than most what the stakes are." She shoots back at me, her tongue lashing with reprimand.
Her head shaking in disbelief as she tries to wrap her mind around it, because even now I can read her like a book. We've had this talk before, the day of the reaping, in fact. I know where she stands, I know she thinks I've made the biggest mistake of my life, and she's probably right.
I take her harsh tone and drilling gaze, because I know I deserve it. She feels betrayed and she has every right to.
"I wasn't thinking. If I had… It wouldn't have happened," I respond, knowing it's a little too late, but needing her of all people to know this was never my intention. Looking into her deep gray eyes, eyes I have desperately longed to get lost in since the day she was kidnapped by the Capitol, and I see what my foolish actions have cost me. A price I know will haunt me the rest of my days. I swear to myself I'll never let Aster know. It wouldn't be right to let her carry the weight of that once we're married.
Gaze pointed, shoulders squared, Katniss isn't done with me yet. "But it did. And now what? What's the plan Gale?" She nails me with the reality of the situation. We've been surviving off strategic planning for years. It's what has kept food in our families' bellies, kept us alive. And now she's challenging me to solve this new riddle now too.
"I'm going to do whatever it takes to care for my kid. I don't know what's going to happen with Aster, but I know marrying her gives my kid the best chance in the Seam, so I'm starting there. I need you to know though, there wasn't something going on between me and Aster. I would never hook up with your friend's behind your back, Catnip. I just lost control for a moment and I'm sorry." I lay my heart bare for her to gut or accept.
Hoping she chooses the latter, because even though I'm about to marry Aster and I'm committed to making things work with her, I love this girl. I made a mess of everything, but I'm trying to own up to it. Losing my chance with Katniss might be the hardest pill to swallow, and I'm just begging I don't lose her entirely because of this.
Katniss has always been someone special to me, but a little over six months ago, I saw the truth. And having her ripped away from me before I could even tell her had almost killed me. It kills me now I still can't tell her. I may never be able to. But I need her to know what she means to me. That I would never intentionally hurt her. Never.
I can see it in Katniss's eyes, practically feel it in her heart. She hears me, knows what she means to me, even if she doesn't want to put words to it. Even if she doesn't want to face it fully with herself.
"I was just surprised. I never thought…" Her words are softer before the breath dies on her lips as she struggles to find the words to express what she's feeling inside. Words and emotions never Katniss's strong suit. Just one of many things we have in common. "I know you'd never intentionally hurt me, Gale." The words shine from her eyes like a promise. She might not be ready to see the love I have for her, but she can't deny I feel something deep.
This time it's Katniss speaking up, needing to clear the air. "I'm not in love with Peeta. It was an act. I did what I had to do to survive." She admits on a heavy breath, acknowledging silently with her eyes that she knows it must have hurt me to watch. Admitting she knows I'm not the only one who's made mistakes.
There it is, that bitter pill we both have to swallow for misdeeds done while she was away. Mine's Aster, hers is Peeta.
"I figured as much, but it was a good one. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard to watch." I confess, seeing no reason to try and hide how I felt about the situation after she was so brutally honest with me. A chance for something more between us may have been stolen away, but nothing can take the honest connection we share unless we let it.
Up close, the look in her eyes as she speaks of the Games, even just in vague terms, I can see the pain it causes her. That wound is fresh and deep and I wish I could fix it for her, heal it, but I know I can't. I may have watched what she went through, but that's a very different cut than having to be the one who lived through it. The look in her eyes warns me not to bring it up, and screams she wants to forget. So I respect her boundaries as I always have.
Something passes between the pupils of our eyes as we stand in the no-mans-land between town and Victor's Village. A language only we know. 'Are we alright?' I ask her with a message sent straight from my pupil. Taking a moment and a heavy breath, she answers with a nod and subtle smile, 'yeah'.
Katniss's home became a whirlwind of activity, making the already crowded house feel unbearably crowded. And with my wedding just a day away, when Katniss suggested we go to into town to get supplies for her mom, I quickly jumped at the chance. Even though I would be lying if I didn't admit my impending marriage to Gale has put a rift between us. Katniss hasn't said anything, but she doesn't need to. The distance is undeniable. We barely speak a word the entire trip into town, moving from shop to shop as needed. Our few words hold little meaning and skirt around the real issues crippling us.
Side by side as we stroll out of town, back toward Victor's Village, I begin to listen to the silence. A million things running through my mind, but they suddenly become quiet as I notice what words can't capture, Katniss is different, feels different. More distant, more quiet, if that's possible, and all afternoon I've thought it's because of me, I know in part it is. She's upset with me about Gale, but I finally begin to see it isn't just about me. The games have changed her, and how could they not.
I watched every moment from a world away. Watched her almost die several times. Watched the look in her eyes when the Capitol forced her hand to kill. There had been times I wanted to look away, but refused to, because Katniss didn't have the choice to look away. And in some way, I felt by watching I was there for her after everything Katniss has done and seen in order to survive. It's stolen away a piece of innocence she never realized she had until it was gone. But knowing her as I do, I know she wouldn't want me to see it, the chink in her armor. I want to reach out her, but I'm not sure how, or if I even have the right to anymore.
Unsure of how to broach my road block with Katniss, my overloaded mind drifts to my impending marriage once again as a fog of anxiety descends upon me. I understand why I need to do this, I have doubts in that, I'm doing whatever it takes to give my baby the best chance. Alone, I have almost nothing to offer this child, but together with Gale, this baby will have the best chance I can offer it.
As if marrying Gale Hawthorne, especially under these circumstances, wasn't stressful enough, now there's a crew ready to film our young love. Young love, we don't actually share, but I've been informed I will need to produce when the camera's start rolling. The whole situation makes no sense, and even though there's a good chance I shouldn't ask, I find myself needing to get answers on at least one thing.
"How did Snow hear about my wedding?" I bring up casually, trying not to place too much weight on my words as we move down a lonely dirt road that only we occupy. Dense weeds and wild grass surround us as we make our way along a path that's rarely seen life until Katniss and Peeta won.
Katniss doesn't miss a beat before revealing a piece of information that sends a shiver down my spine.
"I think he has my house wired up so he can listen anytime he wants." Her voice edges with anger, but she manages to remain remarkably composed. Her eyes focused ahead, never even darting my way, but this is the first time she's really opened up since we reunited.
"But that's your house?" I stammer, holding not nearly the same amount of restraint as Katniss. Everyone knows President Snow is an all-powerful dictator who loves to spread the blood and pain of his people, but listening in on the homes of victors goes beyond abusing that power.
Isn't it enough that the victors survived in the sick games? Isn't it enough they saw things no one should see, killed to preserve their own existence, sold a piece of their soul just to breath? I thought that was the deal, if you manage to keep your heart beating after everyone else has died than they leave you alone. To live your life and try to muster whatever peace you can find. Now I'm learning they never leave his pocket, the leash just gets longer.
Katniss's eyes finally hit mine, in a moment where she truly reveals herself. Something she does so rarely that I'm left hanging on every word.
"I'm not sure anything is really mine anymore." She admits on a heavy burdened breath. Her eyes hold mine only for a second longer before her resolve kicks in and her gaze swiftly pulls away. I can't help but feel the well-deserved sting that part of that comment was meant for me.
I want to be there for my friend. Pull her into a hug, reassure her it's safe to open up further, that she can trust me, but I know that's not what she wants. I've burned her, I've crossed that invisible boundary between friends that risks the relationship forever. And complicating matters further, in the past forty-eight hours that I've been in Katniss's home has made the change in her abundantly clear.
Katniss never wore her heart on her sleeve for anyone but Prim, but she's different than before she left. Every night she has woken up screaming in the dark. I can hear her from a room away. I want to go in there, but I'm pretty sure I'm the last face she wants to see.
The arena has changed her, and it would be impossible to imagine that it wouldn't. Look at our past victor, Haymitch, the man is barely a shadow of a human being, drowned out with enough booze to numb everything inside him. I want her to know that I'm here if she ever needs anything, but I can see Katniss just wants to forget. So as her friend who's trying not to make things worse between us than they already are, I will respect her wishes. Never forget, but never bring it up either without her doing so first.
"Why does he want to film the wedding?" I continue, refusing to let her last words silence me. Refusing to let this gap between us grow any wider as I take advantage of the fact that we are nowhere that could draw unwanted attention to us. In the distance between Victor Village and town, we are free to speak openly, which is a rarity in district twelve.
There's a sadness in Katniss's eyes. Not the overwhelming, on the brink of tears kind, but the twisted around, exhausted inside kind.
"Same reason Gale's been transformed into my cousin. I don't think he wants anything getting in the way of mine and Peeta's love story. If Gale is married, it ties up another loose end. He wants Panem to see that." Her voice is somber as she relays this to me. And even though she doesn't say it, I can hear it beyond her words. The pain she's feeling, because her life is no longer hers. And it sounds like every time she turns around another piece is taken away.
I can't listen to it anymore, the change in her breath. A part of her spark stolen. And I'm afraid my actions have only aided in that. Katniss has always been a good friend to me. Not once has she pushed me about what happened with Gale or lashed out. Even though I can see in her eyes she's painfully upset with me and I feel guilty as hell.
She's my only real friend, my best friend, and I slept with Gale under the guise of ignorance toward what he means to her. Because the truth is Gale was always hers. I just didn't want to see that, and because Katniss never spoke it aloud to me, never claimed him outright, it was easy to be ignorant. It was easier to pretend the feelings were one sided and lay with Gale alone. And now that the truth is painfully clear, I feel like the worst friend in the world
Grabbing her hand, I halt us both. Her eyes are full of surprise as they nail me before my lips shoot to life.
"Katniss, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I slept with Gale. I wish I could take it all back. You've been nothing, but a good friend to me. And I should have known Gale was yours. I broke the code. And if you never forgive me, I understand, but I need you to know I never wanted to hurt you." I blurt out, emotion thickening my voice as I struggle to keep the tears at bay. I feel horrible for the way I've treated our friendship. I would understand if she never wanted to talk to me again, but I can't go on without her knowing the truth.
She stares at me blankly for a moment. I hope taking in my words and weighing their worth. "The code?" She speaks up flatly.
I quickly nod, because she hasn't shut me out. She hasn't pulled away and refused to hear me out.
"The girl code. You know, you can't be with boys your friends like, friends first." I explain the unspoken rule between friends. Not surprised she doesn't know. Katniss never did get mixed up in the social mores of teenage girls; she had bigger priorities.
Her eyes hang glued on me, her features strong and blank, but the look in her eyes has finally begun to soften around the edges.
"I didn't know there was a code," She admits honestly.
Searching her eyes, I don't want to lose this, this windows she's offering. "I wasn't trying to come between you and Gale. No one could do that. I just wasn't thinking. And I want you to know, I would never try to take what you two share; not even now." I emphasize, I need her to know even though things are changing, I will never come between her and Gale. I know it's something sacred, I would never touch that, but I also know I can never make up for what could have been.
Katniss's eyes narrow with my words. "Gale and I were never…" She tries to clarify, but with one look from me, her words die. Because we both know deep down, in the places no one speaks of, that isn't entirely true.
"Maybe it's better this way. People might have thought we were going to end up together, but I never want to get married, never want kids. Gale does, he told me once. You could be good for him. Good for each other." She changes the angle she's trying to express. I can see she wants me to know she's trying to be supportive.
Supportive of what we're doing, because I think she knows the damage is done, but I can still see in her eyes this isn't easy for her either. In that moment I know I don't deserve a friend as a strong and loyal as Katniss Everdeen, but I don't know what I'd do without her. I can also see, Katniss is feeling the ropes from the Capitol tightening around her, strangling the life she once had right out of her grasp.
Author's note:
Does it bother anyone that there's two versions of this story floating around? I'm still trying to figure out to resolve this pickle I've created. Do I dump one story? Or just keep them both going with slight alterations?
This was definitely another filler chapter, but I felt Katniss needed to addressed before I could move forward with Gale and Aster. I wanted Katniss to be upset, because in catching fire, after Gale got whipped, she reversed their positions in her mind and found she would be upset if Gale came home with some girl. So I wanted to stay true to that. But I did not want to go down the road of pitting girls against each other, especially over a boy. I think it's done too often and I don't care for it. Aster and Katniss's relationship will be changed because of this, more strained, but I didn't want it to end entirely. Also, I felt Katniss would be quicker to forgiving Gale, because she is so close to him.