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Chapter 3: Then you are dead.
The first few weeks after my Victory Tour are the hardest. Not only are the memories still fresh, but I'm now an insane Capitol Psychic.
Ardin, my Capitol attendant, thinks I'm doing ok. At least, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than any other experimental psychic, considering I'm still alive.
The visions only came two or three times a day for the first week or so, and then they steadily increased until I was seeing nearly 7 or 8 a day. After the visions I normally have an episode. Screaming, shaking, crying, crying, crying. No one can calm me except Finnick and Mags, and even then it takes a while.
I don't remember them all, only a few stood out.
Finnick on a boat, his hair flying around his face, eyes dark and frowning at the clouds.
A boy carving a branch into a spear, his eyes constantly scanning the bushes around him, not watching what his hands are doing. His fingers slip and he cuts himself. He still lets out a loud whimper, freezes, then he's off, racing though the bushes like someone is chasing him.
An arrow flying into a pile of supplies that explodes when it hits.
A baby with dark hair and blue, piercing eyes, laughing happily.
A bloody axe clutched in small, blood covered hands that tremble.
Ardin has written most of my visions down and sent them to the Capitol. I never tell him the ones about Finnick, for fear that someone will find out about him. He's my secret and I will not tell.
I don't tell him about the baby either. Or the arrow that explodes the mound of supplies. The baby because it looks innocent and happy, and I don't want the Capitol always watching over its shoulder, trying to see what its birth means.
I don't tell Ardin about the arrow and the explosion because I saw it when I was asleep, and I can't work out if I was dreaming, or watching a vision.
I've only had to use Doctor Santios' pills once. I'd had a particularly horrible set of visions, about two young children fighting to the death. The first vision showed me two small boys, both about 13, chasing each other with knives. I thought it was just play, until the second vision showed me them on an empty plain littered with bodies. One boy had several fingers missing, the other a wound on his left leg, and I knew this was not play. This was the Hunger games. The third and final vision showed me the boy with the missing fingers being stabbed over and over by the other boy, who was sobbing.
Not even Finnick could calm me after that vision, and Mags forced me to take two pills. I drifted off to sleep sometime in the next half hour when the pills finally took effect.
Only one other vision has come true besides the one on the train, where Mags tells Finnick she doesn't like crab pie.
I watched a small girl in a group of mothers and children fall off the Fisherman's Dock, into the ocean. She sunk down, out of sight. No one noticed she had fallen, until her mother started wailing. A young boy, only about 8, jumped in where she fell. It seemed forever until he resurfaced, the little girl clasped in his arms. A woman performed the kiss of life on her, and pumped the air into her lungs with her hands until the girl gasped for breath, and vomited up sea water. The mother cried with joy.
Finnick tells me this really happened; he saw it with his own eyes. He fully believes me now, after he listened to me tell him about the vision, and then two days later he watched it unfold with his own eyes.
I'm getting used to the visions. Finnick thinks I'll be able to cope with them before the next Hunger Games in three months, where he is volunteering as mentor, and I'm thinking l might as well, because I don't think I can bear to be without him for the duration for the games.
I will be signing up for the games after I see a vision of myself, Finnick and Mags back in the same rooms I was in when I was a tribute, except in the vision I'm there as a mentor.
I can handle my visions now, I don't scream when I have one, I don't seize up, unable to move on every vision, and I don't cry and cry after every single vision is forced on me. I still cover my hands and close my eyes during the horrible visions, and I can't help the vacant, staring expression that covers my face when I get enter a vision.
Finnick says he thinks I'll be fine in the Capitol. No one will notice my weird behaviour when I have a vision.
I mean, everyone thinks I'm insane already.
After Tommin's name is read everything becomes a blur of noise and colour.
Sarlie's yellow dress swaying madly as she screams. Finnick's eyes, dark green and stormy. Mags patting my hair. Nina Bendine's shrill voice declaring the Reaping over.
Tommin and I are dragged into the Justice Building and pushed through separate doors. A few seconds pass and my parents come rushing in, my mother conscious again.
"Annie! Annie!" her voice is sounds horrible. She's barely coping. My father wraps us both in a hug. He tells me to win, to come home. But I think we both know I'm not coming home.
I can barely kill a fish without crying. Every fishing trip my father and Marcin have taken me on I have cried at least once. Sure, I can catch fish with hooks made of just about anything. I can tie hundreds of knots with rope, vine, string. I can even spear fish out of fast moving water, but I hate killing them.
I'll never be able to kill a person. I'd probably kill myself first.
We don't get long together, my parents and I. My mother tells me to be brave; my father presses a necklace that belonged to Marcin into my hand, telling me it can be my District token. A few whispered "I love you" 's.
Then they are dragged away. I can hear my mother crying that it's "not fair, first Marcin and now Annie". The tears start to fall now.
Sarlie comes in, tears still falling, dress a little dirty and torn at the bottom. She races to me, hugs me hard.
"Annie, you have to look after him. Annie you have too!" I know she's chosen her brother, is begging me to help bring him home. I understand. Tommin is her brother, her baby brother. And we both know he has a much better chance of making it home then me.
Tommin might only be 15, but he's tough. He's taller than me, which isn't hard considering I'm quite small. He's been working on the Docks the past two years helping to repair Jensen's Dock, then smaller, less used dock to the left of the Main Dock. The work has left him fit and strong, able to lift heavy loads, throw things far and fast. He's already a brilliant swimmer, as all District 4 children are. And I also know, from Sarlie, that he is skilled with the harpoon, and was being recruited onto one of the whaling ships as a trainee Harpoonist. Only the best of the best get recruited at 15.
Tommin has a damn good chance of coming back. I don't. It's an easy choice for Sarlie to make.
I promise her I will do everything I can to help Tommin. And then she leaves.
The last person to visit me is old Tally. Tally is even older then Mags. So old, in fact, that he was too old for the first Hunger Games. He walks with a cane and his back is bent so far that he would be almost half the height of himself when he could stand straight. I do his washing for him and sometimes cook or clean if he needs it. He's a lovely old man, his mind is a bit addled but I love talking to him.
He sits down next to me and pats my hand.
"No washa wee?" he asks, grinning.
I laugh. I actually laugh.
Here I am, my worst nightmare taking place. I've been reaped for the Hunger Games, I'm struggling to keep it together, I've got tears all over my face, and I'm laughing at an old man who just asked if I won't be able to wash this week. I think I'm crazy.
I throw my arms around Tally.
"I'll miss you Tally! You'll have to find someone else to do your washing now. And don't think you can sweet talk them into loosing at cards with you!"
This is an ongoing joke between us. The first time I came to help Tally with his washing, he managed to talk me into playing cards with him. Thinking that a senile old man won't be much competition, I went easy on him, even betting one of my mother's home cooked muffins if he won by a small amount. And I got my ass handed to me. He may seem senile, but that old man's mind works perfectly! Tricking a poor, innocent, unsuspecting young girl out of every muffin she had in her basket because she unwittingly fell into his trap and got thoroughly beaten. But, as Tally is a kind old man, he only took one muffin and let me keep the rest.
I'll miss Tally. His easy laugh and kind voice.
As he leaves, he turns around and says "Nah need nah washa. You bah." He grins toothily, and limps off.
I am shocked. Tally just told me he doesn't need a new Washer, I'll be back.
Well, at least someone believes in me, even if I don't believe in myself.
We are herded onto the train. I stare at Marcin's necklace. It's just a simple metal fish on a piece of old string, but I know it was important to him, to my father. I clutch it close.
Tommin stares at me. I stare at him. We both open our mouths, but Tommin speaks first.
"Don't worry Annie, I'll look after you."
Once again, I am shocked. Tommin can't look after me; I have to look after him! Sarlie said!
Tommin studies my face. "Sarlie told you to look after me, I'll bet. Well I'm going to look after you, for her."
And I'm crying again. Finnick and Mags arrive, stopping anything I would have said to Tommin.
Mags sits next to me, and pats my back while I cry. I've seen Mags around, always a ready smile and helping hand. She may be old, but she always helps when she can. I like her.
Finnick stands in the corner and scowls at the ground, avoiding my eyes.
Nina arrives, all green hair and enthusiastic hand motions. She twitters on through dinner, no one really listening. Tommin talks to everyone. Mags says an occasional word. Finnick scowls. I am silent.
The food really is lovely. Warm, tasty. Thick stews, creamy sauces, juicy meat. Beautiful, delicate desserts. I manage to eat a fair bit, after Finnick gives me a look when I haven't touched anything for several minutes after the food is brought out.
After we've eaten, Tommin wants to talk strategy. Finnick asks what he can do. Tommin talks about his future Harpoonist career. I add in that Tommin can also lift and throw, and swim pretty darn well. Tommin gives me a weird look.
"Annie is probably the best swimmer district 4 has." He says. I stare. What.
"She never loses a race long or short distance. She teaches swimming lessons. She can hold her breathe for ages. She swam from Sailing Dock all the way to Bartin's reef last year, without any help. She only stopped to rest twice. That's just over 100km. I have never seen anyone swim as fast, long or as graceful as Annie."
It's true, I teach swimming. I can't remember losing a race but I don't know. I can hold my breath for pretty long, but so can most in District 4. But I did swim to Bartin's Reef last year, without help. I actually stopped 5 times to get a drink from my water bottle strapped to my arm and to rest.
Finnick's looking at me weirdly again. Sort of proud, yet sort of pained.
I tell them I stopped 5 times, actually, thank you very much. Finnick laughs.
Mags is dead impressed. She only knows of two other people who have made it all the way to Bartin's reef unaided. Both are long dead. We all talk for a while, discussing strategy, weapons, tactics.
I don't think being able to swim well and hold my breath is going to help me in the Games. Unless the arena's a giant bowl of water.
The recap of the Reaping's are played.
Finnick has a notebook, and he writes down names, ages, descriptions, whether they are a threat or not by his judgement, potential allies.
I watch, horrified.
The pair from District 1 are the same as always. Blonde, sexy, deadly smiles. I know they can kill viciously. The boy is a volunteer, but the girl isn't, surprisingly. The perfect Careers. The girl has a ridiculous name: Satin.
District 2 are disturbing. The boy is a mountain. Huge. His arms are wider than me! He has black hair cut close to his skull. He grins menacingly. The girl is smaller, but packed with muscle. She jumps onto the stage, her smile wide and threatening. I notice a tiny scar in the right corner of her lip, like she had a knife between her teeth and it cut her. I shiver.
I don't catch either of their names. They are both volunteers.
I barely register District 3, a small boy and a scared looking girl.
The suddenly I'm on the screen. My face is white, but expressionless. A mask of stone. I am secretly glad. I imagine what the girl from 2 would do to me if I looked weak. Tommin appears. He looks calm. He even manages a grin. I see my face in the corner of the screen, tiny, but contorted into a look at shock and horror. I pray the girl from 2 doesn't see it.
District 5 and 6 blur past. The girl from 5 faints as she gets on the stage. Not good.
District 7 produces a girl with the biggest legs I've ever seen. Her arms bulge with muscles. Her eyes are quite close together, and I think she might be slow. Good. With arms and legs like that she'd kill everyone if she was clever. The boy is only 12. No one volunteers. He takes a frightened look at the huge girl beside him. I am scared for him. His name is Jay.
District 8 is awful. A brother and sister picked. No one volunteers. The girl looks to be around 13, the brother around my age. I catch a glimpse of a screaming mother, another tiny child hugging her leg. I feel horrible. Zeah and Flax, they are called.
District 9 tributes look around the same age, 14-15. Not young yet not the oldest. The girl is tiny, a wisp. I bet the girl from 2 thinks she's an easy kill. I think they said her name was Halli.
I don't register District 10.
District 11 has a girl, maybe 16, and a tall boy, skinny, but looks to be older than me. He has a dangerous glint in his eye. I think he might be harder for the Careers to catch then they think.
District 12 is sad. The children in the crowd look mostly malnourished, under fed, sickly. The girl is blond and pretty, small but better fed then most of the crowd. The boy has dirty skin, dirty clothes, longish black hair, and huge, grey, empty eyes. His eyes make me shiver. They look dead. Their names are Nymph and Atiyan.
After the recap, I leave for my room. Finnick follows me.
He shuts the door behind us and just holds me in his arms, his face buried in my hair.
"Oh Annie" he mumbles. I hold him tighter.
"I can't do this Finnick. I can't kill someone." My voice sounds dead. Finnick pulls back and gives me a gentle shake.
"Annie you've got to survive. You've got to!" He's angry all of a sudden. He punches the wall and curses. I flinch.
"You have to survive! Even if that means killing someone! Even if it means killing the little boy from 7! You have to Annie!" He's shouting now.
I know I can't do it. I know I couldn't kill that little boy. I won't become a killer! I won't!
"I won't Finnick! I won't do it!" I yell at him, my fists scrunched up at my sides.
His face stills. Becomes cold, mask like.
"Then you are dead."
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