I'm so sorry it's been so long since I uploaded! I had assignments due and exams for the end of my Uni Semester and then I went on holidays for a month away from a computer and so on. Sorry again! :/
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter! I'll try to upload in the next few weeks!
Love & Cats xx :)
Chapter 4: You're Not Worthless
Finnick hasn't talked to me all day.
He's still upset that I said I wouldn't kill. He throws me a half angry, half tortured look every once in a while, and then resumes his glowering at the floor. It's a wonder the floor hasn't melted from the heat in his glare.
He doesn't understand. It's not that I won't kill; it's that I know I can't. I couldn't kill someone, take their life! I shouldn't get to decide who lives and who dies. Nobody should.
The Hunger Games make me sick. They always have. How can you force children, children, to kill one another for entertainment? What kind of monster do you have to be to enjoy that? How twisted, how evil, how insane do you have to be to come up with an idea like the Hunger Games?
I know Finnick hates the games just as much as me, he even told me so. But, he's survived them. He's killed people, children. I'm not as strong as Finnick; I don't think I would cope with taking a life. I think it would kill me, or at the very least, drive me insane.
I'm not god; I'm not someone who has the power to decide who lives and who dies. And, personally, I don't think anyone else has that power either. I don't think anyone should decide who lives, and who dies. The Capitol shouldn't decide.
But I guess none of this matters, seeing as I'm going to die in the Arena anyway.
I hide in my compartment for most of the day, only coming out when Mags forces me to eat. I don't want to look at Finnick, see the disappointment and pain etched into his face.
I don't know why he cares so much. I'm just a silly fisherman's daughter who's going to die a bloody and painful death in a few days. Why should he care what happens to me? I mean, it's not like we're together or anything. We've only kissed twice, and I don't really know what they mean. Finnick's probably kissed heaps of girls. Heck, he probably kissed girls after he kissed me. Everyone's heard the stories about him in the Capitol, and I've seen the looks he gives other girls.
And it's not like I have any hope of winning the Games. Finnick and Mags should just forget about me and focus on Tommin. He has a chance, a real chance, to return home alive. See his family, his friends, everyone. Tommin's strong, killing someone won't drive him insane.
I guess I really am pathetic. The only Career from District 4 who won't kill. But I'll help Tommin anyway I can. I'll sneak him food, watch his back, take any blows meant for him. Because I promised Sarlie I'd look after him, because he really does have a chance.
At dinner I tell Finnick and Mags that they should focus on Tommin and forget about me. That I probably won't even survive the Bloodbath. That I'm worthless.
Finnick explodes. The table is upturned and food is everywhere. He's shouting, yelling, furious, his hands waving everywhere. I cover my ears and squeeze my eyes shut.
I assume Finnick stormed off, because when I open my yes and take my hands off my ears he's gone. Nina Bendine left too, muttering about barbarians ruining her dinner.
Mags looks a bit shocked. Then, she focusses her eyes on me, and I gulp. She looks more serious than I've ever seen her, her eyes bore right into me, steely grey and determined. Her voice may be soft and croaky, a bit difficult to understand at times, but I understand every word that tumbles out of her mouth.
"You are not worthless! Never, ever, think of yourself like that. You are worth something, everything, to someone. You will be strong, and survive!"
And with that speech she gets up and hobbles in the direction I think Finnick stormed off on.
Tommin just stares open mouthed at me.
"You really think you're worthless Annie?"
I feel like crying, but I hold it in. "Tommin….I-I can't kill someone! I can't survive the games if I can't kill!" I sound desperate in my own ears.
Tommin looks at me a bit strangely. "You'll be alright". He leaves for his compartment.
I don't know how long I sit curled up in my seat, eyes damp and nose red from sniffling. It's dark out the window and the lights are off in the dinner carriage. Capitol attendants have been and gone to clear away the mess from dinner, ignoring me.
I think I'm stupid. I shouldn't have said I was worthless. I don't mean that I think I'm a worthless person, I just meant that I'm worthless in the games. Someone who won't kill can't win.
I miss my mother. My father. Marcin. Hell, I even miss Pollie from school who always teases me and puts things in my hair, because they tangle easily in the curls.
I hug my legs tighter to me. It's cold in this carriage alone.
Footsteps echo softly done the hall and a shadow enters the dark room. It pauses, looks around, and heads towards me. I know it's Finnick by the way he moves. I'm not sure I want to talk to him. I'm embarrassed about what happened at dinner.
He stops a few feet in front of me, leaning against the table. I can just barely see his face. He looks dejected. His hands are buried in his pockets.
We stare at each other for what seems like forever, his eyes roaming all over my face, like he's memorising it, until he clears his throat and looks away.
"Annie…." He stops and glances at me. I can't read the emotion in his eyes.
"You're not worthless" He says it so quietly I hardly hear him. I look out the window, suddenly wanting to cry. I seem to want to cry all the time now, but I guess that is to be expected. I mean, I did just get sentenced to death after all.
"Annie…." His voice is louder, and filled with pain. He stares at me intensely, then suddenly rushes to me, gathering me into his arms and letting me cry all over his shirt. I can't help it, the tears won't stop. He smooths my hair and whispers to me.
"Annie it's ok. I'll find a way to save you. We'll be ok. I promise. I promise."
Eventually I stop crying and we sit there, clinging to each other. Someone slams their door and we fly apart, Finnick standing on the other side of the room and me in another seat, just before Tommin enters the room. He gives us a strange look, eyes darting between us.
"Evening." His voice sounds weird. He heads to the table with the teacups and hot water and makes himself a drink. He looks at us strangely again as he makes his way back to his room.
Finnick lets out a breath.
"Come on Annie, you need to get some sleep before the Capitol tomorrow". He takes my hand and leads me to my room. We stop outside the door, neither of us looking at the other. He still holds my hand.
"Well, goodnight." I murmur. He looks at me for a second, then moves his face closer.
"Goodnight, Annie" he whispers, his face so close that if I stepped forward our lips would be pressing against one another. He steps closer, and we're kissing like never before. This kiss speaks of desperation, pain, sadness. It's soft and warm, gentle. It doesn't last long, and Finnick's gone as soon as it ends.
I lean against my door, knees weak. That's three times I've kissed Finnick Odair.
I wake the next morning to Mags grinning over me, her toothy grin a welcome sight. She gets me up, forces clothes over my head, shoves some food in my mouth and drags me outside before I've even brushed my hair.
I guess we've arrived.
Tommin is already dressed (and his hair is brushed!), waiting for me in the dining car. He smiles at me and says good morning and I smile back and reply. Finnick, who is standing next to Tommin, shoots me a look. I can't quite tell what it means. Is he not happy that I smiled at Tommin and said good morning? It's only polite that I do.
Mags tells us to stand up tall and smile when we pull in, for the cameras. We can't afford to look weak, especially me. I shiver when I think of the girl from 2 watching me get off the train looking weak. I lift my chin and plaster a smile on my face. I got pretty good at wearing fake smiles after Marcin died.
I fiddle with Marcin's necklace nervously, waiting for the doors to open. Finnick stills my fingers. "Don't." He whispers, and I drop my hands to my sides.
Suddenly I'm nervous; I think I might be sick. I don't want the train doors to open. Don't open don't open don't open don't open don't-
The doors open.
Everything was a blur. The train station, the opening ceremonies, President Snow's speech, Mags and Finnick whisking us back to our rooms on level 4, being undressed and scrubbed. I remember flashes, cameras popping everywhere, distorted faces chanting my name, Finnick steadying me as I wobble. President Snow's face, waves of brightly coloured people, faces of the other Tributes.
My stylist, Elida, has hair of shimmering gold with tiny silver specks (which I suspect are supposed to represent stars) peeping in and out of her glittering strands. She has tiny, tiny black stars tattooed all over her skin, much like the freckles that dust mine. She was nice enough, a bit giggly, but nice to me. She made me look beautiful, like a goddess of the sea. My hair was shiny and wet looking, with dark sapphires and green jewels braided through the curls. She dressed me in a (skimpy) dark green and blue swirly dress that looked like the ocean under a dark sky. Small patches of silver flashed in the folds of the dress, like fish or moon beams, I couldn't decide which. My body was dusted with a faint blue shimmery powder, so I looked as if I had just emerged from the ocean. My eyes were outlined in black, and painted with shimmery blue paint (which just made my eyes POP! Elida said).
Finnick certainly liked the effect. His eyes just about burst out of his head, before he regained control of his face and smiled at me and said "you look lovely". Of course, I blushed red as sunburn.
Tommin was dressed sort of similarly; he had a blue/green cape and a silver body suit. He held a trident in his hands and his blond hair was slicked back. He grins at me, "Lookin' good, Cresta!" Finnick glared at him and stalked off.
I don't remember much of the opening ceremony. The girls from 1 and 2 were dressed in even littler clothing then I was! The small boy from 7 was dwarfed next to the huge girl. The boy from 11, with the creepy glint in his eye, he stared at me. It scared me.
The boy from 12, Atiyan, he didn't look so dirty, even though he was dressed as a coal covered miner. But his eyes, his strange empty eyes, bugged me all through the ceremony, until I saw his district partner lead him down from the chariot, and I realised, with utmost horror, that the poor boy was blind.
Blind! He was utterly blind and in the Huger Games. Poor boy wouldn't last a minute. I felt a horrible overwhelming rage at eh Capitol then. What kind of sick government send a completely blind boy to fight for his life? Against other children? I felt like jumping out of my chariot and punching President Snow in the middle of his sick, sick, face. But of course I didn't. Finnick caught my eye and gave me a sympathetic look and jerked his head in Atiyan's direction, and scowled at President Snow. I felt better knowing he felt the same.
I didn't sleep well that night. I tossed and turned and had nightmares about the Arena, and poor Atiyan and the bot from 7 being killed the minute we could move. I think I screamed a bit in my sleep, because Finnick gave me worried looks at breakfast. I ignore him and try to eat. He grabs my hand under the table and rubs his thumb over it. It soothes me. Any touch from him makes me feel instantly better. I can't explain it, he just make me feel better.
Tommin and I wear matching black pants and a shirt, with large number 4's written on the backs. Mags and Finnick discuss strategy. They decide our best bet is to form a Career alliance with the other Career's (surprise, surprise). When has District 4 never been a part of the Career Alliance? We are Career's. Even if I don't want to be.
Tommin and I head down to the training centre. I feel sicker and sicker as the lift descends.
"Don't worry, Annie. I'll do the talking" Tommin whispers to me. I feel grateful.
The lift doors open. The other Careers are already here. They descend upon us. I think I nearly faint.