Chapter 8

Rachel awoke from her light slumber, and by the way the sun was completely down and the stars were peeking through the cavernous windows in Jesse's room, she could tell she had been asleep for quite some time.

Yawning slightly, she stretched as much as she could without disturbing the warm body next to her with its arms encircling her waist, and the slow, rhythmic breathing on her neck signaling it was still firmly asleep. She gently tugged herself out of his arms and began to scoot off the bed towards her bag, long abandoned on the ground next to his closed door.

"Where are you going?"

A sleepy voice halted the stunning young ingenue from leaving the bed and the embrace of the tousle haired senior. Gripping her tighter and pulling her back down, she smiled softly at him and allowed him to entrap her next to him. He nuzzled closer to her, immersing himself in her sweet pea aroma, getting drunk off her presence.

"I was going to check my phone" she mumbled, dizzy from the actions of the boy now gently kissing the spot under her ear he had recently discovered

"Don't go anywhere ever" He breathed into her neck, planting kisses up and down it, relishing in the soft exhale of pleasure emitting from her golden vocal cords.

"I won't" she promised, putting her small hand on his defined cheek and pulling him close to her. "I'll never go where you aren't" she said against his lips, before succumbing to them. Their embrace tightened as their tongues gently brushed each other, taking their time, savoring the close proximity. As Jesse rolled them over so her small body was gently on top of his, he felt small hands working at his shirt buttons, lips still together, but now more frantic in their contact, passion overtaking adoration.

"Jesse" Rachel moaned into his mouth as he pressed her against him, running his hands down her body, resting on her hips, her back, everywhere he could reach. There was no way, absolutely no way this wasn't heaven...

"Jesse! You're burning bro! Wake up!"

A soft object came into contact with the side of Jesse's face, and he groaned with frustration at realizing it wasn't the palm of Rachel Berry. He opened his eyes to see a beach ball bouncing back to the sender who was doubled up in laughter.

"You're lucky that I've known you since the formative early teenage years Ant, or else I'd be forced to bitchslap you" Jesse sat up and removed his Ray Bans, blinking with the last vestiges of sleep and the blinding rays of sunshine reflected off the sand around him.

He couldn't smell Rachel anymore, the only thing filling his nose was the salt of the expanse of Pacific ocean in front of him. The massive expanse of the home he longed for before he met the girl. The girl whose sweet perfume was thousands of miles away now...

He got up quickly, knowing that if he didn't move he might start bawling like a girl at the hole he felt had been punched in his stomach at the remembrance of his last conversation with her. His friend stood next to him, bouncing the offending beach ball off the sand and watching him. He knew he was acting bizarre, but he felt like he was losing his mind. He had showed up at Anthony's house at 1 o'clock that morning, and hastily explained that he needed a place to crash for awhile. Anthony, being his best friend on the golden coast, willingly lent his floor on the condition that Jesse explain the reasoning for his completely un-Jesse-like behavior at a more appropriate time. Jesse readily agreed and threw himself onto the floor, and was out cold in 10 minutes.

After a long breakfast (which Anthony had deemed Jesse should pay for as part of his room fee), the unexpected guest had explained everything in painstaking detail. Anthony felt like he had been there the whole time it was such an in depth tale.

Jesse had talked for a full hour, going over everything that had happened in the last few weeks. He spoke of New Directions, how McKinley had accepted him with open arms despite his assimilation into the most unpopular club. He talked about Finn, and how even though he was a sophomore, he had managed to land a few solid punches and lingering bruises on the upperclassman. And he talked about Rachel.

Most of the time was spent going over every moment the two shared, and how Jesse felt like she was too good for him and now that she saw him at his darkest moment, she might have realized that too. Anthony just listened the whole time, every now and again asking a question, but mostly just letting Jesse talk.

"So she was with this finn guy, he dumped her, the first time you met her was when she was covered with a Slurpee, you joined their show choir, she is the other lead, and now you've fallen for her"

"I haven't fallen for her" Jesse mumbled unconvincingly. Anthony laughed in his face

"Jesse, I haven't heard you say something as untrue since you lost that bet to try and convince Angie to tell Director Shellen that doing a Grease/Mamma Mia! mashup was a good idea." Jesse winced.

"I know that its bizarre" he started, swirling his coffee in his mug absentmindedly "but I swear to God, she's as good as what we do as I am"

Anthony raised his eyebrows "I've never heard you admit that anyone but yourself has talent"

Jesse raised his back "Does that convince you that this girl is special? I cant stop obsessing over how she was looking at me. I've always wanted her attention, but not the disappointment that was all over her face" he lowered his head into his hands "I'm screwed" he groaned "I fucked up, I shouldn't have tried to defend her like that, all I wanted was for Finn to understand he had no right to even think about her anymore and now she hates me-"

Anthony smacked the top of his head. Jesse sat up, eyes flashing. He hated people touching his hair.

"Stop whining" his friend started "you did the wrong thing for the right reasons. Just because you showed her in the wrong way doesn't mean that you blew your shot. Just go back and fix it, and do so preferably without showcasing the now nationally infamous St. James temper."

Jesse sat back and considered his friend. Maybe he had a point. But he wasn't going back till at least the end of the weekend. Perhaps the week. He was tired and lacking in sun. He was going to see how he felt after the next few days. Maybe he could figure out how to fix things by Monday with a few hours asleep on the sunny California beaches.

xxx

Rachel was losing her mind. After Jesse and Finn's fight, her and Jesse's fight, and being told what for by Quinn Fabray of all people, Rachel had finally run out of people to blame except for herself. And of course, after deciding that the only acceptable course of action was to find Jesse and apologize for her outburst and finally explain to him how she felt, he was nowhere to be found. She gave him that Friday and the weekend to cool off, and unsurprisingly didn't receive as much as a text throughout Saturday and Sunday.

When Monday rolled in however and he wasn't in Glee, his car wasn't in the parking lot, and nobody as much as asked where he was in Glee (Finn was present and furiously staring at anyone who dared mention any word beginning with the letter J), Rachel approached Mr. Schuester after class and learned that he had been going to ask her the same thing. He had no idea where his new male lead was and regionals were in little more than a month.

Wednesday came and with still no word from him, Rachel decided to find out for herself. Borrowing her fathers car (with their permission of course, she had her learners permit) and headed towards the immense gated community where the St. James mini-mansion was. A single light was on inside the entire place as she pulled up and made her way along the immaculately kept front walk.

As she knocked, she heard it echo cavernously on the other side of the door, the house so devoid of the life that burst from it when Jesse had been there.

She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

She knocked again, this time hearing someone clattering down the stairs, and then the sound of someone apparently having some difficulty opening the door. Rachel stood bewildered as it finally flew open and revealed someone who could only be a direct relative to the boy she was calling on. The woman had the high, almost sculpted cheekbones Jesse had, the beautiful blue eyes and the wavy hair that had turned to slight curls on him. Rachel had never met her, never seen a picture of her, but was certain when she spoke in the same condescending voice Jesse occasionally had that this was no other than Mama St. James.

"Yes?" the woman asked when Rachel was quickly reeling from the similarities and apparently dumbstruck to be meeting her.

"Hello!" Rachel quickly snapped into her showface demeanor, pasting the toothy smile on and positively radiating charisma. "My name is Rachel Berry, I'm in glee club with Jesse and I was hoping I could speak with him."

"You're in what?" the woman asked after sipping from the amber liquid filled glass in her hand. In the light of the overly large porch light, her wedding ring almost blinded Rachel with its absurd size.

"Glee club," the diva repeated, growing apprehensive of her new acquiescence "the show choir at McKinley High, Jesse's school"

"Oh so thats where those phone calls have been coming from" Mrs. St. James said unconcernedly "apparently he has been absent for a few days now" Rachel's showface slipped.

"You were aware he hasn't been attending any of his classes?"

"I knew apparently someone was missing him, we've been getting calls about it at least twice a day by someone who calls herself Irma Pillsbury or something pastry related-"

"Why haven't you made him go?" Rachel demanded, cutting the woman off. Mrs. St. James raised her eyebrows at the tone the diva took.

Rachel saw where Jesse got his attitude with people he considered irritating. "Well, Ms. Berry, I can't very well make him go to class in Ohio if he is in California, now can I?"

Rachel froze, her mouth open, stunned at the woman's words. He's in California. He left.

"Why is he in California?" she blurted, all tact gone at this point "how could you allow him to leave in the middle of the school year?"

"Because, young lady, it is hard to stop someone from leaving when all you get is an email from them stating that they have already landed and will call if they need us to send the rest of their belongings to him" she snarled, all pretense of patience with Rachel gone.

"Unbelievable." the young girl said, staring incredulously at the woman who was so similar in appearance to her son, but who had either by the neglect or by the drink she was holding in her hands had made her own son so disconnected by his family that he emailed them to inform them that he was going to the other side of the country.

"You aren't worried at all, are you?" she said, taking a step back from the woman, incredulity all over her features "you wonder why he emailed you? Besides the fact that you didn't even know what school he attends, you don't even know what he does with his spare time, and who he even strives to be completely escapes you" Rachel was almost yelling, channeling her anger at Jesse for leaving to California without telling her, anger at this woman who had fulfilled the awful picture Rachel had conjured in her mind of her, and anger at herself for failing to understand until this very moment why exactly Jesse had gone ballistic on Finn. He had figured out that someone finally gave an honest damn about him and had been able to throw himself completely into defending her because he finally had someone who was important enough for him to risk his future education on.

"You should be ashamed of yourself" Rachel said, turning her back on the woman and walking purposefully back to her fathers car. "because when he is gone, you'll realize exactly how much he means. And that is a lot to lose."

That person who Jesse had found was the girl who stood on his porch, yelling at his mother, and finally comprehending her relationship with the boy.

xxx

At the end of the week, Jesse had still not returned. Glee had been quieter without him, despite Mr. Schuester's efforts to continue practice as normal. With the male lead awol in California, Finn had been assigned his parts in rehearsal. It honestly didn't seem like it could be more uncomfortable if it had been designed to be. Singing with Finn was almost a foreign concept, something uncomfortable and just wrong to Rachel now. The song choice, the choreography that focused heavily on the two leads emotional ability, all of the points that made Jesse and Rachel's rendition of it magical now made Finn and Rachel's version a liability. The feeling simply wasn't there. And everyone knew it, but there was nothing to be done.

As they moved through the motions, Rachel felt herself resenting the song choice. It wasn't her best rehearsal, she knew it, and although she was nailing her parts of it, singing to Finn (more acting, really) was absurdly awkward.

As she stood on the stage, hands grasped lightly in both of Finn's large and calloused ones in the (usually) most intimate part of the opening number, Mr. Schuester was once again exclaiming that they needed more interest in the song. Rachel, feigning attention to Mr. Schuester's rant, watched in her peripherals as Finn sidled closer to her. All week he had been trying to engage her in conversation, to apologize for what had happened, trying to explain away what his reasoning was behind his assault on Jesse, same old sob song. While she previously had a brief discussion with him and accepted his apology in spite of her feelings for Jesse, Rachel wasn't ready to throw herself into another friendship with Finn. But of course, he couldn't understand that. so as Mr. Schuester was going on and on about the importance of continuity and camaraderie within the group, Finn was now attempting a joke with Rachel.

"Think if he yells at us some more we might get better?" he offered, half a smile on his face. Rachel shrugged noncommittally, and continued to focus on Mr. Schuester. She felt Finn's frustration, and for a brief second she was the Rachel Berry of what felt like years ago in that bowling ally, kissing Finn hard, quitting the lead role in the play to make him smile at her. The Rachel who actually dropped what she dreamed of to please the boy who broke her heart the next day. Who kept breaking it. Who turned her into the strong Rachel she was now, who would not let herself be pulled in by his games anymore.

She pulled her hands from his and crossed her arms. "What is your problem?" Finn hissed at her, obviously angry at her lack of enthusiasm. She shot him a look that was clearly warning him of the impending danger if he didn't shut up.

"Alright guys, take five." Mr. Schuester said as Finn opened his mouth to continue arguing with her. She grabbed him and pulled him off the stage to the suspicious looks of the rest of the club behind them.

"Finn, I apparently need to clarify something for you" she said, enunciating clearly in hopes that maybe if she spoke with enough clarification he would get it "I'm just now starting to be okay with being friends with you. Don't expect me to throw myself into whatever it is that you expect from me. Baby steps are the only thing that I'm willing to participate in now when it comes to our relationship."

"What the hell Rachel, I said I was sorry!" Finn roughly palmed his hand through his hair with frustration "What more do you want?"

"I want to be able to be in the same room with you and not feel like I either have to be with you or not look at you in shame and regret Finn!" Rachel's whisper was high pitched, tired of the drama that hung around Finn like his constant moods. He looked at her with exasperation

"How am I supposed to fix us if you won't let me?" Rachel involuntarily took a step back at his word choice

"There is no 'us', Finn. There is you, there is me, and there is the tentative reformative friendship, but there is no 'us' anymore."

A silence rang between them. For the first time in their tumultuous relationship, Rachel was the one turning Finn down. A tangible shift was felt in the air between them. In those few words, the dynamic between the two changed instantly.

"What if I want there to be an us," Finn began slowly, moving closer to Rachel, eyes on hers "what if I realized what a mistake I made, letting you go. What if I told you that all I want now is for us to be a real couple Rachel. Like you said you always wanted."

Rachel's head was spinning again, and before she had time to react, to answer Finn with the no, never again!her head was yelling at him, he was kissing her.

She heard the eavesdropping club behind her gasp, and she would have laughed if she hadn't had her lips commandeered by Finn's. For another second she was old Rachel, desperately wanting this to happen, but something was still off. An unpeggable, unidentifiable sensation that this was just like the song, it just shouldn't be happening. And then, as Jesse's face popped into her mind, she remembered why.

With her mind finally clear, her old feelings for Finn completely and finally vanquished and replaced by those of Jesse St. James, Rachel Berry pulled away from him. Putting her hand on his cheek, she whispered "I'm sorry Finn, but you don't get to make up my mind for me anymore." and turned on her heel, marching away from him and to Mr. Schuester to discuss rehearsing the second number for now.

xxx

Jesse spent most of the next week alone on the beach with his headphones in and sunglasses firmly on, covering his now sensitive Ohio-weather conditioned eyes from the endless sun. Anthony had school (as Jesse technically did) and so the days seemed longer without him to vent to. He had seen a few of his old friends, but felt rather indifferent about saying goodbye again where they were all tears and tight hugs when he said he had to leave. He attributed this out loud to Anthony as shock of seeing everyone, but he knew what was really going on.

None of them were Rachel Berry. So in order to avoid physical reminders of his unresolved predicament, he had retreated to the beach.

You're being pathetic he thought angrily Ant's right. I couldn't spit it out because I dont want to ruin what you give me. So I pulled a mom and dad and bailed.

He whipped out his phone and began typing a message to her I'm so sorry Rachel, I- He grappled with himself, hands frozen over the iPhone's screen. His music pounded in his headphones and he switched off his phone suddenly. Really? A text message? Might as well email her how you feel idiot, it has all the sentimentality of a text and none of the AT&T charge.

He threw the phone down on the towel next to him, disgusted with the lack of control he was showing. What had happened to the old Jesse St. James, the continuously confident and tunnel-visioned young man? He had turned into this, this kid, who fled across the country to hide from a girl. A young, beautiful, immensely talented woman who saw who he really was. As if God was playing DJ with his iPod, Jack's Mannequin's "Lonely for Her" came on, and Jesse groaned. He knew what he had to do, he had a sinking suspicion that he had always known what to do, but that it had taken a week of being away from her to clearly understand what that was.

He stood and made his way back to Anthony's mothers car he had borrowed. Getting in, he felt a similar sense of deja vu as he sped away from the sand and cresting waves behind him. But this time, instead of fleeing from the girl, he was headed towards her. He was going back to Ohio to make things right.

xxx

Jesse's plane landed almost exactly at midnight, and he exited it feeling as if he was still on California time, not tired at all.

The airport was almost deserted, and since there was no chance in hell his parents would have come to meet him, he went immediately to the luggage claiming area to wait for his single bag they refused to let him carry on.

As he walked through the scarcely inhabited building, he turned on his phone. A voicemail was waiting for him from Anthony, informing him that he owed him another breakfast for gathering every single beach ball Anthony owned (he had a surprisingly large amount of them), popping them, and putting them all on his friends bed, with a note that had a big "Love, Jesse St. James" written on it, with a smiley face for good measure. Jesse laughed and deleted it, and saw that he had a text from Santana Lopez that had arrived earlier that day. This girl was hot, but kind of insane. And she really liked sending Jesse filthy text messages that he immediately deleted for fear of someone thinking that he actually liked that stuff. But this one was more disturbing than the rest. It was a fuzzy picture with some text at the bottom of the screen reading whenever you get over her, Brit and I are waiting for ya ;). The picture was of two people, one of whom looked like Finn, and the other of whom Jesse couldn't really see the face of at first glance.

As he arrived at the luggage carousel and was able to stop walking and completely devote his attention to the device, he toyed with some of the settings on his iPhone and sharpened the resolution of the message photo. He could now clearly see that it was indeed Finn, kissing someone who looked a lot like Rachel.

Jesse could feel himself begin to sweat.

He fiddled frantically with the phone again, and zoomed into the picture. It was a lopsided picture, obviously taken quickly, but it was clear none the less.

Finn was kissing none other than Rachel Berry.

Jesse turned of his phone. As his bag came around the track to rest right in front of him, he grabbed it automatically and began walking furiously towards the lot where his car had been left a few days earlier. He was making a detour before he stopped at home. It was going to be this stop that decided whether or not this trip back to Ohio would be only for a few hours before Anthony could collect on the breakfast he was owed by the curly haired senior.

xxx

Rachel's night had been uneventful. She had turned her phone off, which she suspected as the main reason it was such a quiet evening. Between the 15 (at last count) voicemails from Finn and about ten texts apiece from Kurt and Mercedes asking if this meant her and Finn were back together, her phone had gotten quite a workout, and was now turned off on her bedside table.

Settling back into her bed, she began typing up ideas she had for potential future routines, assuming all went as it should. She didn't hear the boy pull up. She did hear the banging on the front door and the shout of her name, and quickly ran downstairs, hoping against hope that this wasn't a bad situation she was walking into.

xxx

Jesse slammed his car door and thundered up the stairs of the front porch of Rachel's darkened house, unaware of the light rain beginning to sprinkle down. He began to bang on the front door, yelling her name, uncaring that it was 1:30 in the morning.

The porch light came on and her front door flew open, the same fire in her eyes that was igniting his.

"What the hell are you thinking Jesse?" she hissed, closing the door behind her and pushing him and her off the porch and back to beside his car in the driveway in the drizzle "My dads are asleep inside-"

"Is it true?" Jesse demanded, looking right at her, his eyes accented by his heightened emotions and bluer than she had ever seen.

"Is what true?" she shot back, hands on her hips and refusing to back down "And nice to see you, by the way. Next time you decide to skip a week of school, rehearsals, and sectionals set list planning, giving the other lead some advance warning would be helpful"

"Don't try to turn this on me Rachel, you were the one who demanded that I go somewhere and learn how to control my temper" He spat out, disgust evident on his face as he recalled her words.

"Fighting with someone is the most uncivilized way of handling a problem, and fighting with a member of the same team is unacceptable. You both could have been injured and unable to compete! Don't you ever think about the consequences of your actions-"

"He swung at me first Rachel!" Jesse bellowed, throwing his hands angrily in the damp air "Over something that isn't even happening!"

Rachel's eyes narrowed at him even more, stung by his words.

"I'm not doing this with you Jesse. Why are you here" she challenged him, her arms firmly crossed, rain dropping into her hair and settling softly on top of it.

"I just landed. I got an interesting text from Santana." he started, his gaze unwavering from hers, trying to measure her reaction. "She sent me a picture of you and Finn. You were kissing him in rehearsal" He said, choking on the final words a bit.

She paused briefly, then decided to push. She wanted to see just how far this could go. "Why would that even matter to you Jesse, you don't seem to think that being someones best friend qualifies them to know that you're taking off to California for a week" she said, not caring that his resolve to be angry with her was breaking more with every second he was standing so close to her. His face went rigid.

"Why would that matter?" he repeated, his voice low. "Why would it matter that you were back with someone who made you feel so badly about yourself that you actually began to act differently?" he was trying to control himself very hard now, all his effort going into keeping his voice even.

"Yes. Why does it matter Jesse." it was more of a dare than a question. Their eyes were drilling holes into each others, sharp blue at soft brown. He sighed suddenly, and ran a hand through his hair which seemed to have been victim of many rough handthroughs this evening by the way it was tousled.

"I love that I have enough talent to escape from here" he started, ignoring answering her directly "I love that it's been enough to keep me focused on my future to forget that my parents really didn't want a relationship with me" he was speaking quickly, he seemed to be shaking a bit, and his pupils were dilated. Rachel was getting freaked out by his behavior. The passionate, shouting Jesse of a moment ago was gone, replaced instead by this one who was speaking like he had been bottling up these words for a good long while.

"I love that I know I'll make it. I'm sure of it. I've gone on that knowledge for years, it being in stead of relationships and memories I wanted and never chased. They are all I craved, all I knew, and the only things I put my faith into. But now, the only thing I know more is that I've never loved anything like I love you."

Rachel Berry, unable to say her line, unable to think what her next move was supposed to be, froze. Her acting skills never prepared her for a role as tumultuous as the one that her reality had cast her in. She didn't dare believe that this boy who had swept into her life, filling the hole that Finn Hudson had burned into her heart, the one who was all confidence and bravado, the one who simultaneously made her want to bang her head against a wall and kiss him, was here saying that he loved her.

Things like this happened in movies, plays, the occasional music video. Scripted. Guaranteed happy endings. Not in Lima Ohio. Not at two o'clock in the morning. Not in the gentle drizzle falling around them. Well, that was kind of cinematic. But the rest of it? Straight out of the lines of a well written character.

She stood there, staring at him standing in front of her, his hair curling a bit in the damp, the oh-so-trademark Jesse St. James black tee shirt and jacket he was wearing sticking to him with wet, his state of mind finally completely open to her.

"I'm not with Finn" she said breathlessly, to appease the voice in her head yelling at her to get that bit of information out ASAP. He didn't move, but inwardly sighed with relief. She wasn't with him. Jesus, I never thought he'd hear such beautiful words said about that son of a bitch

"Are you sure?" she continued, her face disguised of anything she was thinking

"Am I sure what?" Jesse asked bewildered This isn't what it should be he thought frantically this should have been epic, should have swept her off her feet

"That you, that you feel that way," she stumbled a bit on her words, finally letting the nervousness that was coursing through her show. The possible effectuation of what his recent declaration could mean was intoxicating to her. But she wanted assurance before she let herself go under the influence of it. When Rachel fell, she fell hard, and Jesse was so important to her now that she didn't want to jump and fall without him being there to catch her.

He didn't answer, but instead reached both hands to cup her face. He said simply, "Yes" and he kissed her.

It wasn't demanding like Noah. It wasn't one sided like with Finn. It was passionate and reciprocated and full of want. It was the kind of kiss she wanted Jesse St. James to have in him, and he came through for her. Her hands lightly grasped his forearms as his remained in place, neither of them caring that it was the middle of the night, that they were in Lima Ohio where this kind of stuff could fuel the neighborhood gossips for weeks. All they saw was each other. That part was the same, but everything else was brand new. His lips on hers, her hands gripping his arms, the shared breathlessness they both were experiencing, it was perfect. Rachel Berry expectation perfect.

As Jesse pulled back to seemingly gauge her reaction, she remained still with her eyes closed, savoring the feeling of having throughly been kissed. As she opened hers to meet his waiting ones, she smiled, and leaned back in to reclaim his lips with her own, feeling at peace with the boy she had been scared wouldn't come back to her safely in her embrace.

A/N: So I thought on having them say the L word later , like any normal couple would likely wait, but then I remembered that this is Jesse St. James and Rachel Berry we're talking about here. The canon had Rachel declaring she loved him the very first episode we met him, so I don't think I'm rushing it. Anyways, someone want to throw in an idea or two about possible stuff you'd like to see in the next few? I'd love to have some subplots running about as well. Sophomore year of college begins tomorrow for me, so updates will be only once a week from here on out. As always, please feel free to review and let me know what you thought! :)