Chapter 12

A/N: This chapter sucks. I hate it. But I had to set some things up for later chapters, so hence the reason it is so short. On the upside, chapter 13 is going to be great. Like, I'm super stoked for that one. So please still leave me your thoughts, you have no idea how much they mean to me. :)

P.S. and to the person who said they would like to see Quinn, she'll be in the next chapter. Sorry, I couldn't figure out a way to organically get her into this one.

xxx

Jesse still felt the exhilaration from all of the events at regionals two weeks later. The first place trophy sat triumphantly in the choir room, and looking at it, Jesse had a sense of real pride coursing through his veins. Vocal Adrenaline, the highly touted and aggressive rivals had failed with a mashup of Kei$ha and Queen, creating a warbling and highly offensive display that he was glad none of them had been witness to except for Mr. Schuester. And he seemed to be recovering in light of their win, so all was well.

They also recently discovered that Principle Figgens had extended the clubs residency in McKinley for another year, regardless of what happened at nationals later that month. This news had visibly relaxed everyone when Mr. Schue announced it the day after the competition. The pressure was still on, but it was a less intense one. This kind was manageable.

And so with a new lease on the club, a brand new trophy to show them they were actually good enough, New Directions set forth with a blistering rehearsal schedule for nationals. They had been set to occur in New Orleans, but hurricane threats and the like had shifted the event to sweet home California. More specifically to Los Angeles, on Hollywood Boulevard, at the Pantages theater.

In other words, Jesse's old haunts. And he was ecstatic.

He had already called Anthony and been informed in a slightly awkward moment that his old school hadn't made it to nationals, but they would all be there to see and support him and his new group. So with a new fervor, Jesse and the group threw themselves into the nationals routine with a conviction Mr. Schue dubbed religious in nature. But as with anything, the routine was not the only thing the senior was obsessing over.

After having solely focused on getting the routine down pat and getting his relationship with Rachel off the ground, he had almost been neglecting the unpleasant thoughts of post high school life as much as he possibly could. And despite clinging to them when he first arrived in Ohio as his safety net to escape from the cow town hell, he now almost dreaded them.

He also sort of dreaded Rachel's reaction. She knew he had been accepted to UCLA, pending his commitment and graduation from McKinley. However, she did not know that his parents had already cut the check for first semester's tuition. Or that he had been getting his packets about dorm information. Or that the brand new set of luggage that was sitting in his room was not just a gift from his uncle for the regionals win, but another reminder from his father that he was going to be gone in a matter of a few months at this point. Basically, Rachel didn't know that her boyfriend was going to be leaving her for the other side of the country in a short amount of time. And Jesse had no idea how to tell her. She had just told him at regionals that she loved him.

She loved him.

Sure, he had hoped she would say it back, but he was still slightly stunned when it actually left her mouth. And the fact that she timed it immediately before he had to walk onstage and do what he did best made it all the more sweeter in Jesse's opinion. Very dramatic. Very Rachel Berry-esqe.

So the thought of her flawless face at the news that the boy she now loved leaving her for his own selfish reasons was no better in his mind than what Finn did. As such, he kept putting them off and instead focused himself on being the perfect boyfriend while she still saw him in that light instead of the traitor to her heart she was bound to see him as after. The new locale of the nationals competition did not ease his nerves though, and it was with a pang of guilt that he realized he would be flying home after the event only to get his belongings and then fly back out for school. So until he was forced to face telling her, he was switching his focus completely to being the guy Rachel deserved.

Operation "Not-a-Douche" was easy for Jesse, it wasn't like Rachel was high maintenance (for a mortal man, perhaps, but Jesse St. James held himself to a higher standard than that) and she essentially just wanted someone who could supply the emotional steadiness she needed and which he felt he needed to give to her.

The students at McKinley had abused her. Not in the traditional physical abuse sense, but emotionally, in which she was the equivalent to being battered with the years of verbal assault for being exactly who she was and not conforming. Jesse saw where some could find her determination deterring, but that was one (of the many, many) things he had come to adore about her. So he did his absolute best to protect her from their wrath, for hating her for having ambition they couldn't even imagine. And for the most part they respected her now.

That rat bastard Jacob Ben Israel was still trying to get in her pants, but all it took was a well developed glare from the senior and Jewfro took off for his life.

It wasn't all that difficult to blame him though. Jesse often found himself absentmindedly staring at her in practice or when they were studying, and not just at her face. Nope. Jesse was all of a sudden overtook with thoughts of Rachel that her fathers would have promptly beaten out of him if they knew what floated through his mind at least several times a day.

It wasn't like Rachel wouldn't let him even get close to her (he had even heard about a certain outburst in a chastity club meeting decrying commonly spread by religious leaders opinions on sex), but he knew that she wasn't as, well, experienced as he was in certain aspects of relationships. He wasn't a man whore, but he had taken the next step with his previous girlfriend (before the bitch ran off and cheated on him with the lead of another rival show choir), and he knew about certain things that Rachel didn't. But in fear of pushing her too far just as he was trying to be perfect for her, he would not press the issue of sex. She was in complete control of the pace, and he would simply go along with it until he dropped dead or was dumped. So it was a slow, wonderfully awful hell Jesse was exposed to as he and Rachel spent more time acting like the hormonal teenagers that they were, and the frustration the senior felt kept making itself an issue he was determined to ignore.

Rachel wasn't stupid though, and it was after one unusually enthusiastic bout of making out on her bed while her fathers were at a work function that she voiced the problem she apparently had noticed as well.

"Jesse" she mumbled against his lips as she gasped for some desperately needed oxygen

"Hm?" he barely got out before reclaiming her mouth and rolling them over so her hair dangled in his face and tickled his nose while he supported her light weight.

"We need to talk" she said again, with much more conviction. Undeterred, he moved his attention to her neck and found the spot she loved to have said attention paid to.

"Seriously, I need to talk to you" she said, searching and finding the conviction she wanted and pulled back from him. Well, the spot she usually loved to have attention paid to.

"Okay," he groaned, regaining control of himself at her tone and propping himself up on his elbows to look at her sitting on him "what is so important that you want me to neglect that neck of yours?" He secretly was expecting to be admonished for his lack of self control in regards to certain anatomy... it wasn't really like it was missed by either of them, just silently acknowledged as the sign to slow it down. Or talk about Quinn's recent birth-giving event. That usually solved the problem.

"You've been acting differently lately" she started, seemingly searching for the phrase that fit better "like...like you've been trying to make up for something."

He kept his face in the position of slight confusion/intrigue at her words. He refused to have this conversation right now. He did not know when exactly he was going to tell her, but he knew it could not be before nationals. Any distraction was unwelcome, and she needed to have the upcoming days as drama free as possible.

So he bitched out and offered a lame, "Oh?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Jesse!" she said, getting irritated. She rolled off of him and sat on the edge of her bed, arms crossed, and a severe look on her face. He guiltily joined her on the edge, feeling like he was in boyfriend time out.

"What? I don't think I'm acting weird. I think I'm trying to make out with you while your dads aren't in the house"

"That isn't what I mean" she sighed, frustrated with how this was going. She didn't want to fight with him, she wanted to figure out why he was being especially doteful. And she had a sinking feeling why. "And I think I may have unintentionally made it more difficult for you."

What? She was moving in a completely different direction-

"You want to have sex. And I think we should"

If he had been drinking something, Jesse would have either spit it all over her face or choked to death in shock. The look on his face apparently was the equivalent to it, because she laughed slightly and grabbed his hand in her small one.

"It isn't like it's a secret. We both know that the Quinn baby thing isn't talked about because we both care that much about it."

He didn't know how to respond. He wanted to tell her no, he didn't think about that but he didn't want to lie to her either. The only thing that he was sure of was that he was pretty damn resentful of her putting him in this situation.

"I don't know how you want this conversation to go Rachel" he began, deciding to go with honesty "either answer I give you, I'm not going to be happy with myself."

"I think that you're over thinking it" she began earnestly, fiddling with his hand in hers "sex isn't something to be avoided, that is when you get a baby gate situation, all that pent up frustration-"

"I want to sleep with you Rachel. But I don't want to right now" he cut her off, not able to handle a scientific conversation about this.

"I don't feel pressured by you, if that is why you're saying that. I want to. For you."

He groaned, pulled his hand from hers, and put his face in them. Peeking out at her from in between his fingers, he saw her looking confused at his reactions. He stood up and began to pace.

"I'm not sure what inspired you to begin thinking this. Of course I want to take our relationship to the next level in that regard, but I don't want it to be rushed because you think I have some master plan to get into your pants."

"You don't have to lie Jesse, I am fully aware of the way many males your our age view sex, and I believe that since we have both verbally expressed out obvious commitment to one another that sex is the next logical step in our journey.

Jesse smiled sourly "There was absolutely no connection between me saying I love you and what you're coming up with. I'm not like that Rach, you should know that at this point."

"I do know that" she said hurriedly, getting off the bed and coming right into his line of sight and staring up at him with those doe eyes. "I also know that since we've been, for lack of a better phrase, spending an increased amount of time together, things should naturally progress. And I'm ready." At her last words she pressed into him a bit, slinking her arms around his waist and entwining her fingers behind his back. "I just want to make it epic. I think we should see what happens in California. Maybe we can grab some time to ourselves."

She stood on her tip toes to capture his mouth in a kiss before he could voice any distaste for the idea. No matter what he said, she seemed determined to get her way in doing what she thought he wanted her to do. He was in a position he simultaneously hated and felt guilty for.

"I really don't want to," he began, raising his voice to override her protest "But we'll see what happens at nationals then." He said this and her look of frustration turned to satisfaction. Nodding and wearing a slight smile, she let herself be pulled into a hug by the senior.

How he was going to convince her that he didn't want it to happen like this, he didn't know. If he told her the truth about UCLA, she would be furious. If he kept his mouth shut, his hormones and her insistence might get the best of him. Between a rock and a beautiful girl was where Jesse St. James found himself stuck, and he wasn't sure how he was going to get free without hurting her or himself in the process.

xxx

Despite their talk, Jesse couldn't help feeling like Rachel was rushing herself. She swore up and down that she was waiting for an epic memory, that being together in that way would bring them closer together, etc. In reality, she was saying all the things that she apparently thought Jesse believed. Which was sort of true, but for different reasons. Jesse wanted to be as close to her as possible while he still could. That fact was completely separate from the longing he got when she strutted around in the middle of a song, her sinfully short skirts twirling around legs that reached for miles, but he still considered that separate from the main goal of just being with her.

Luckily, she seemed distracted by the quickly approaching nationals, and along with Mr. Schuester was working at a breakneck pace to get things in order. As far as Jesse knew, the nationals set list was much different from regionals. In the regionals regulations, teams were allowed to have a performance time of between six and nine minutes. At nationals, due to the larger number of teams (five as opposed to three), performance times were limited to four and six minutes and there was only enough time to do one number. Saying it needed to be epic would just be a given at this point, to stand out in a group of teams that had gone through what New Directions had gone through to get there.

So when Puck of all people walked into the choir room with the sheet music for "Viva la Vida", they knew that it was perfect, and immediately set to rehearsing. With the song chosen, Jesse felt like he was getting out of bed and then someone with the remote to his life was hitting fast forward on his days. They were melting away as if they weren't even happening.

One day Puck had been walking in with the sheet music, the next they were dividing the vocals, the next they were layering and adding harmonies, and quickly the senior found himself abandoning his morning run in leu of an extra hour of sleep to make up for the workout he got with their new choreography. It was a schedule even he was having trouble keeping pace with, and so when all of a sudden he was a night away from flying home to California again, he was happy simply that soon this would all be over and he could figure out how he could work out the whole college issue.

The big plus side to this was that this time, Rachel would be next to him, and the mental peace of mind the senior received from that was immeasureable. The night before they were slated to fly out, Jesse dropped Rachel off after practice and headed straight home after saying a quick hello to her fathers. Pulling in, he noticed with a bit of shock that his fathers Porsche was sitting in the drive next to his mothers car. Looks like another family night with the St. James clan he thought sarcastically as he made his way up the walk.

Opening the front door as quietly as he could and beginning across the foyer, he had almost made it to the stairs when he heard "Jesse! Get in here!" bellowing from the kitchen.

Groaning and looking longingly towards the direction of his room, he went towards the slurred voices awaiting him.

"You got a letter today" his father barked at him, skipping any greetings "A letter from Tistch." the seniors eyes trailed down the older mans arm to the glass of amber liquid clutched in his hand and resting on top of the large envelope bearing the schools crest.

"I told you that you are going to UCLA. I also told you explicitly that you were not to apply anywhere else."

His mother flitted around, cleaning up the empty bottles surrounding her husband. Apparently he'd been home for quite some time judging by the number of them. Jesse found himself staring at the envelope. It was roughly the size of the admission packets. His heartbeat quickened.

"I figured it would be best to exercise all my options." he said slowly, not taking his eyes off of the package. His father lifted his hand to take a sip of his drink. He had left a ring of the liquid on the paper of the envelope.

"You wasted your time with this then" his father said finally downing the drink and shoving the envelope towards his son. "You are going to go where I went, and you're going to send them your letter of acceptance tomorrow"

"I'll be on a plane tomorrow. I'm going to California with my show choir for nationals." His father waved a dismissive hand.

"Then you'll do it when you get back. This isn't a democracy Jesse. I am the dictator. You are the citizen with no rights unless I grant them to you."

"If you haven't noticed Dad" Jesse said, laying on the sarcasm with his use of the D-word "most dictatorships fail and collapse in on themselves, due to excess," he nodded at the leftover empty bottles "or infighting" he nodded at his mother, who for years had been a slave to self medicating thanks to her husbands neglect in favor of work "or due to someone who has more of a reason to do something you don't want strictly to spite you" at this, he pointed a finger at himself and smirked at him.

He grabbed the packet and stalked out of the room. "See you in a few days!" he yelled over his shoulder and slammed his bedroom door shut.

He had the acceptance to two prestigious schools for acting. One was in his home state, filled with sunshine and beaches and familiarity. It also had the distinct advantage of being favored by the son of a bitch who would be footing the bills.

The other was an hour and a half plane ride from the girl he now couldn't imagine not seeing on a regular basis, let alone for weeks at a time if he went to California. If it was up to Jesse, it wouldn't even be a contest at this point.

He flopped down on his bed before he went to hop in the shower. He reached for his phone and pressed a button to make it come out of sleep mode. His wallpaper picture of he and Rachel sticking their tongues out at the camera lit up and in that brief moment, his heart ached a little bit more. Not only for the fact that he was probably going to be dumped when she found out he was leaving, but for the fact that she thought he was so cut up because he only wanted to sleep with her.

Sighing, he tapped out a short text to her and then went to shower. A few miles away, her phone buzzed with the new text. She opened it and a soft smile lit her features as she read it

Can't wait to show you where your star will be on the Walk of Fame this weekend. Love you. JsJ